Is this a selfish reason to break up a family?

[Grabbagrun]

I’ve been married a long time, three dc.
Gradually over time I’ve realised I’m gay. I know to straight people that probably sounds insane, how could I reach 40 and not know well before. But I didn’t. Well I did and I didn’t. I sort of suspected it and tried to come out a couple of times and got shut down and then made myself ignore it so I could get married and have children.
However a couple of years ago I had therapy for something else and suddenly my sexuality became urgent. I’m gay. I know it. I feel it and once I’d accepted it about myself I felt like the constant searching stopped.
But in order to explore this further I’ve now got to let down and upset everyone in my life. It’s easier to box it back up and ignore it but what if I can’t?
I do appreciate that it sounds crazy to most people. I told a friend and her reaction wasn’t great. I said to her imagine being in a relationship with a woman and having to sleep with them etc and she said urgh, no. And I said that’s how I feel about being in a relationship with a man.
I’m aware this isn’t fair to DH but he’s perfectly happy at the moment and so are the dc. They’ve no idea at all that anything is wrong, I’ve pretended my whole life to a greater or lesser degree and I’m not sure why I can’t keep doing so but I’m really finding it very difficult.

I'm not sure living with a man you say is unpleasant and homophobic, doesn't communicate and takes the piss out of / is dismissive of self harm sounds particularly good for your children regardless of your sexuality OP...

I suppose he didn’t know what to say re the self harm. He’s quite closed off. It’s part of why I feel our relationship has degenerated - I don’t think it’s entirely my sexuality although I could be wrong.

I agree he deserves to meet someone who is really into him.

A decent man doesn't find his wife self harming and say "you'll get locked up if you carry on like that". A decent man isn't "perfectly happy" when they know their wife is self harming. A decent man doesn't have "no idea at all that anything is wrong" if his wife is self harming. Seriously. This sounds like a much more dysfunctional relationship than you perhaps realise.

I’m aware this isn’t fair to DH but he’s perfectly happy at the moment and so are the dc. They’ve no idea at all that anything is wrong

The fact your husband is not communicating with you very well about your self harm is troubling me.
Suggests he has also checked out.

I think your sexuality has little bearing in many respects here, as he doesn't sound that great a person.
Your separation could have nothing to do with your sexuality and more to do with lack of communication and respect.

I think he just wants me to get on with things and not cause him any bother.

Op you have the right to live your life the way you want to. I have a friend who was married for 15 yrs had kids and then had a gender surgery. I respected and liked him before and even now nothing has changed and I still respect her choices. She is a fantastic parent, now divorced. I can't imagine the suffering you are going through. My suggestion for you would be take some time and then decide what you want to do. It must have been incredibly difficult for you all these years. And shame on your friend for reacting the way she did when you opened up to her. I feel sometimes people don't deserve to know the truth... and I hate it when close ones don't understand us that too when we need them the most. We are all here for you op. I know it's difficult but please try to ignore the negative comments on here. You sound lovely and I don't think you have stringed your Dh along. Explore your feelings. Right now all this must be quite a lot for you to deal with....so take your time... Once the storm inside you settles, you will be in much better position to think clearly and take any decision. You don't have to decide anything right now. Please be kind to yourself op. sending u virtual hugs

You mentioned getting married at 18.
Have you had any experiences with other men or women?

If sounds like your H is horrible in bed and just a crap person.

You can leave a marriage for any reason at all.

Youre miserable to the point of self-harming. That's reason enough. I don't think you have to tell him or anyone you're gay if you don't want to. Once you're away from him and the stress that goes along with it, you'll have more clarity.

See if you can find a counsellor to talk to and seek some legal advice to see about a divorce.

First, please change your user name. Divorce is extremely common and far from anything so dramatic or traumatic as that!

And of course you know you're a good person and did not have anything but good intentions here, so please don't wallow in guilt. You've got far more important things to do right now than that anyway.

I think you need to see a counselor/therapist and a good divorce lawyer as soon as possible and get this moving. The stage you're in right now is like that horrible phase where you're extremely nauseated but haven't yet thrown up, to put it nicely.

I agree with not telling your husband that you've realized you're gay. You won't be with him any longer so there's no reason to hand him information that will likely only make things harder on everyone at this point. Your marriage sounds like it's obviously only that in name and for convenience at this point anyway - and that in itself is definitely reason enough to go your separate ways.

I think you will feel much better as soon as you get this rolling. This marriage is not a good place for you to be anymore and it is certainly not good for your children to live with a mother who is self-harming and the rest. You'll be able to be a better mother when you are at a better emotional place. This is not a healthy environment. Please keep us posted. It will all be okay.

Hi OP, I’m on the other side of this. My exDH came out after 16 years and I am glad he did it. Our lives were a bit like yours though my ex was and still is a really lovely man. It was very difficult for a while while we processed it, but we’ve come out the other side and have a great relationship as friends and coparents. He’d had depression on and off for years and couldn’t work out why - and he thinks that hiding his sexuality is the reason. He’s been so much happier since he accepted and became who he was. The kids are happy, I’m happier because I’m in a full loving relationship now.

My only other experience is my boyfriend I had from 15-17. Who I did like. Prior to him I’d thought I was gay and then when I met him I thought oh maybe I’m not gay and I was so relieved. Sadly, he’s the only man I’ve ever been attracted to though.
I don’t have any others. I mean I went on dates but I was never very bothered - and then I didn’t have very much time between reaching the age of being able to have more serious relationships and meeting dh.

It’s good to hear it can work out after the initial massive upheaval. I am under no illusions re DH though - he won’t be amicable and were I to come out he’d likely try and use it as a reason for me to not have the dc.

What @SimonJT said.

Take your sexuality out of it, your husband is unsupportive and can be cruel. No children should grow up in a relationship where one partner is dismissive of another's needs, you're modelling this for them.

Can you afford to split and house the children etc?

You may fuck your children up leaving, we fuck our kids up all the time for things we do and don't do. My counsellor picked apart a number of things my parents did which underpin my low self esteem; my parents were bloody ace.

I tend to blame everything on my sexuality - it’s hard to know if I wouldn’t be happy anyway or if it mostly comes from being gay.

We could afford to split and house the children. I do think it would fuck them up. I am concerned sometimes though that they’ll lose entirely if I stay, maybe dh is right and they will lock me up. Or I will just gradually give up, year in year. I’ve lost over two stone in weight in the last 18 months and I’m now thin. I rarely feel like eating.

@M0rT

I think you should seek a divorce from your husband, getting legal advice yourself first. I don't think it would be helpful to tell him it was due to your sexuality if he dislikes gay people. It's just causing unnecessary hurt and anger for him and stress for you. Just tell him the part of the truth he needs to hear, you are not happy in the marriage anymore and want to leave it. You need to do it for yourself and if that is selfish so be it. The longer you know this about yourself and have to actively suppress it the more resentful you are going to become towards your husband and possibly your parents and DC also. The little annoyances we overlook in the ones we love will become heinous crimes that you can't let go and have angry arguments about. Then your DC will grow up and leave you in a marriage you are miserable in if you're husband doesn't leave you first for being argumentative and resentful towards him. Also it would be far better to have divorced and got your DC through that trauma before you meet a woman you want a relationship with and might want them to meet. I know your not actively seeking romance, but now you've acknowledged it to yourself it will become more and more likely.

This is wise.

One thing at a time.

There is NOTHING to be gained by giving all this information together and causing huge drama.

I couldn't be with a man who hated Gay people.

Check out your financial situation.
Get legal advice.
THEN tell your husband you have been unhappy for a long time.
How medicated you are indicates that.

Once you are divorced your life can move forward.

Get out of your marriage first.

You’re in a bad marriage, is it a bad marriage because you’re gay or is it a marriage that ran its course years ago yet has continued? I don’t know but I do know that pretending doesn’t help anyone including your H and children, pretending brought you here and you know what an incredible waste that was.

Who benefits from you being anxious and depressed? Now the genie is out of the bottle, it’s going to be ten times harder pretending then when you were unsure. The toll on your mh and the impact that it has on your children will be greater. It isn’t as simple as pretending = them being happier.

Leaving the marriage and coming out doesn’t have to be done at the same time and I do think you need to give yourself time to experience life outside of the pressure cooker of being in an unhappy marriage.

Selfish is staying in an unhappy relationship. I can not tell you the number of devastated people I met at uni whose parents split up the second they went to uni. Their first year was blighted by guilt at being ‘the reason —excuse—’ their parents stayed together, frustration at knowing something wasn’t right but it being dismissed or excused and anger that the supposed ‘sacrifice’ that was made was for their parents benefit and not for them. Staying for the kids sounds so selfless, when really it is an excuse that some parents hide behind because they’re scared.

What would you say to a straight friend who was in an unsupportive relationship, where they were deeply unhappy? Would you advise them to stay for the sake of the kids?

I'm trying to understand if this dilemma is borne out of a feeling that parents should always stay together if at all possible or due to guilt you feel about your sexuality.

Children adapt. It will be hard on them but it is also hard growing up in a house with an atmosphere of something being not right.

Having a happy parent separated is surely a more positive model than unhappy, self harming parents?

I think go with some counselling. Get your head into a place where you can accept the way forward. You don't have to leave, announce you're gay and start a new relationship all at once. Focus on one stage at a time.

I am a bit unsure about the comments saying what your ex deserves. You haven't deliberately mislead him. Yes of course you don't want to hurt him but talk of 'he deserves someone who really wants him,' etc. Well, lots of us do but I'm still single. It's not about that. It's about you being authentic, for everyone's sake but mainly your own.

Trying to live to consider what others want entirely above our own needs isn't healthy as you've found to your cost. It's ok to put your needs first.

It’s so ignorant for someone to just state you strung your hubby along. Life and relationships are a whole lot more complex than that base statement.

I would start with individual counselling via the appropriate channels and then once you have adequate knowledge and support in how to deal with and make appropriate decision for yourself and your family, then see if you can bring your hubby into joint counselling.

You absolutely deserve to live authentically. Yes it’s going to cause major devastation for your hubby and your children, but hopefully in time they or some of them may be able to accept the situation for what it is.

There is still SO MUCH discrimination and judgement out there and lack of acceptance in the community and within families so please try not to feel too guilty about having to have made past decisions that are now impacting your true identity.

My heart goes out to you. Best of luck for you and your family’s future happiness.

I agree that your sexuality is not the most important reason to get out of this marriage. Your children will cope.

Being with a man who manipulates you into thinking your mh issues will get you locked up is not a good person. That alone is a valid enough reason to end the marriage.

It is very hard for me to separate the two things. Is my marriage distant and empty because im gay? Or would it be so anyway? I suppose it doesn’t matter really, the end result is the same.
On the odd occasion DH suggests doing something together I don’t want to. I suppose that’s my answer.

You're probably doing more damage to your children by teaching them that this is what a relationship looks like (not laughing together, not being totally relaxed and yourselves, not being affectionate, not being a solid team with a United front...) than you would be splitting up, don't you think?

I didn't really realise until my 20s that people in 'normal' relationships weren't as described above and could actually have a real laugh together, be a team, be affectionate etc. I just hadn't ever seen that growing up so didn't think it was what I should be wanting. Took me therapy galore and some rubbish relationships of 3/4 years a time to unravel it all and only now at 34 am I in a healthy, fun, loving, happy relationship.

Staying 'for the kids' is all too often doing more harm than good.

I know quite a few women who became lesbians in their 30/40s after LTRs with men and kids.

It's really not that uncommon.

If it's any consolation op, I ended my marriage simply because I was unhappy. No one else was involved. I felt like you. We hadn't slept together for a long time before I finally realised I couldn't do it any more. I was miserable. I didn't want to be intimate with him, I didn't want to do anything eith him snd I couldn't cope eith the idea of that being the rest of my life.

My sexuality was nothing to do with it (I'm bisexual, but never told him). He's also a very closed off person and I am not. We are polar opposites.

My children didn't like it but they coped and are doing fine. It's not ideal, but neither is a lifetime of misery and depression.

I know a couple that went through this. The husband has been marvellous and it has allowed them to continue to be best friends following their divorce. Both have happy relationships and their children love and support them both.

I think he found it easier to separate knowing it wasn't him or their relationship at fault, just that she needed to be with someone of a different sex.

The future doesn't need to be bleak, I wish you all happiness in the future

Your marriage is already over you just need to be brave enough to call time on it and end it.

It must be awful for your DC seeing you so so so unhappy and their Dad not giving 2 f*cks about you.

Yes the upheaval is difficult.

You end it because you are unhappy and aren't in love with him anymore. You do not need to give anymore detail than that.

Stay single until things are settled with child residency/contact and you are feeling much happier and bette Ron yourself. Do not rush into another relationship!!!

You do have time to find a satisfying relationship in the future just give yourself a few years to recover and adjust to single parenthood.

@Grabbagrun I have some experience of your situation from the 'married to' as opposed to your end.

My ex husband is gay. He won't openly admit it to anyone else apart from me and his other ex but he is (his Mum is Catholic and disown him).

My ex was in the Army. Gave the impression of a virilant male (sorry can't think of another way of saying it). Very macho man's man.

7 months after we married, and I was 6 months pregnant I found out he was emailing graphic sexual images to a man, and found him from there on multiple gay hook up sights. I was devastated. He lied and said he was 'bi curious' which I accepted and we moved on. Finding out several years later it was not the case.

During this time his depression and stress ramped up and his eating became a problem (binge eats due to depression).

He is so unhappy, and because he feels he can't come out I don't think he'll ever get through his depression. This concerns me because I just want him to be at least content in his life.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is be honest with those around you otherwise it'll eat you up and it's a big secret to carry.