Is this a selfish reason to break up a family?

[Grabbagrun]

I’ve been married a long time, three dc.
Gradually over time I’ve realised I’m gay. I know to straight people that probably sounds insane, how could I reach 40 and not know well before. But I didn’t. Well I did and I didn’t. I sort of suspected it and tried to come out a couple of times and got shut down and then made myself ignore it so I could get married and have children.
However a couple of years ago I had therapy for something else and suddenly my sexuality became urgent. I’m gay. I know it. I feel it and once I’d accepted it about myself I felt like the constant searching stopped.
But in order to explore this further I’ve now got to let down and upset everyone in my life. It’s easier to box it back up and ignore it but what if I can’t?
I do appreciate that it sounds crazy to most people. I told a friend and her reaction wasn’t great. I said to her imagine being in a relationship with a woman and having to sleep with them etc and she said urgh, no. And I said that’s how I feel about being in a relationship with a man.
I’m aware this isn’t fair to DH but he’s perfectly happy at the moment and so are the dc. They’ve no idea at all that anything is wrong, I’ve pretended my whole life to a greater or lesser degree and I’m not sure why I can’t keep doing so but I’m really finding it very difficult.

You seem to be fixated on a divorce ruining your children's lives. If your kids primary relationship reference is their parents loveless and toxic marriage it will be equally if not more damaging. I speak from first hand experience.

@floofycroissant

You seem to be fixated on a divorce ruining your children's lives. If your kids primary relationship reference is their parents loveless and toxic marriage it will be equally if not more damaging. I speak from first hand experience.

Spot on.

It doesn't really matter in the short term whether you are gay or just with the wrong man. The relationship you are in is definitely not working for you to the extent that you are self harming. You feel you are a person whom he would despise if he knew the truth. Leave because of these reasons. Tell him whatever you like or nothing other than you no longer want to be married to him. No one has the right to know your private thoughts and feelings if you don't wish them to.

Once you are away from him, you will have time and space to fully get to know and understand yourself. When you are at peace with that, tell whoever you feel comfortable telling. And decide how you want to live your life going forwards.

Don't feel guilty for wanting a fulfilling life for yourself- we all want that. You made a mistake long ago, but you didn't realise it or understand the implications. You were very young and lacked much life experience - we've all made mistakes but we haven't all had to live with the consequences for so long. There's nothing to feel guilty about - ignore the self righteous posters who say you have. To continue as you are will be hugely damaging to yourself and possibly your children. To leave could be the making of both you AND your husband, who, whatever his faults, also does not have a fulfilling relationship / life.

Hoping you have the courage to make the right decision x.

Well done for taking the first step in admitting this to yourself - I don't mean that to sound condescending. I think it is really brave.

Your family obviously love you and would want you to be happy, I'm sure. And you obviously also respect your husband and he deserves to experience the full love that a good and true relationship can offer. Frankly, there is a lie between you and you are starting to acknowledge this.

I don't think it is selfish, it is probably better for all of you but you have to be prepared and ready for a shitstorm to ensue. And for people to be angry with you for a while. Prepare yourself for the worst. But time is a great healer and you deserve to live your life fully and openly and be as happy as you can and so does he. Think hard but be true to both of you. Good luck.

@ConfusedAdultFemale

Looks a lot like you strung him along. Poor bloke.

Of course not. It is an incredibly difficult thing to acknowledge and deal with. She has had a happy relationship with him it sounds but now is facing the truth.

Children do want their parents to be happy. There are so many stories on here from women who wish their parents would have divorced.

Your DC will adjust. I hope you can get in touch with a counselor. You deserve happiness.

I'm trying to figure these things out too. Got married to my first/only partner young, been married 16 years, two young kids. Now feel that I am, at least bi, maybe gay. Trying to understand myself. Worried about hurting a good man who loves me when I'm not even sure. Wondering if I am just Bi, that my dissatisfaction might just be other parts of my life that I'm not living to the fullest, and of I resolve those I might be happier in the relationship.

I've read Glennon Doyle's book "Untamed" that was mentioned above too and I was going to recommend it as an example of this going well. An interesting thought from that was that one of her children later came out.

What do we want our children (who may be gay themselves) to learn about relationships and being true to themselves?

We can't make them feel more free than we allow ourselves to be.

I’ve read Untamed as well - it all seemed to go pretty easily. They’re all friends. I don’t know how often that happens.

Children want their parents to be together in most cases. I’m not convinced mine are bothered if I’m happy or not. DH certainly isn’t. Everyone would much sooner I carried on pretending.

My parents divorced for different reasons but the moment they did was a massive relief. Both were happier and more relaxed so we were happier and more relaxed.

Same Golden I only felt relief and I wish they'd done it sooner for theirs and my benefit.

OP would you even want to be friends with your DH? He doesn't sound like a very good friend as a husband, let alone as an ex.