Is this a selfish reason to break up a family?

[Grabbagrun]

I’ve been married a long time, three dc.
Gradually over time I’ve realised I’m gay. I know to straight people that probably sounds insane, how could I reach 40 and not know well before. But I didn’t. Well I did and I didn’t. I sort of suspected it and tried to come out a couple of times and got shut down and then made myself ignore it so I could get married and have children.
However a couple of years ago I had therapy for something else and suddenly my sexuality became urgent. I’m gay. I know it. I feel it and once I’d accepted it about myself I felt like the constant searching stopped.
But in order to explore this further I’ve now got to let down and upset everyone in my life. It’s easier to box it back up and ignore it but what if I can’t?
I do appreciate that it sounds crazy to most people. I told a friend and her reaction wasn’t great. I said to her imagine being in a relationship with a woman and having to sleep with them etc and she said urgh, no. And I said that’s how I feel about being in a relationship with a man.
I’m aware this isn’t fair to DH but he’s perfectly happy at the moment and so are the dc. They’ve no idea at all that anything is wrong, I’ve pretended my whole life to a greater or lesser degree and I’m not sure why I can’t keep doing so but I’m really finding it very difficult.

The thing is I’ve got more and more checked out - and Dh hasn’t even noticed.
I’ve found lockdown really hard because I’ve been here with him the whole time, I’ve ended up self harming several times. He’s seen and just said ‘they’ll lock you up if you carry on like that.’ He knows I’m really unhappy but he’s carrying on like normal.

@Sheeeeeep but if she stays now, knowing what she knows, then she is lying.

My friend's circumstances are slightly different. His ex had a fling with a girl at uni and knew she was gay but got married in order to have kids. She didn't come out until both parents had died as she knew they wouldn't be supportive.

I've seen the turmoil that he's been through since. He is in no way homophobic but he's very bitter that he was tricked into marriage and kids by someone who couldn't truly love him.

I think the OP needs to come clean asap and move on with her life. I know that's easier said that done and that there will be lots of upset, but she can't go on living a lie like that.

Your dh sounds unpleasant. I think you need to leave him and then decide what you want out of life.

It would chocolate but only the OP can decide if it’s worth it or not.

I think you're really unhappy being married to your H and your mental health is suffering. I really don't think that is a selfish reason to get divorced.

Fwiw, I don't think divorce is "breaking up a family". It's just remodelling the family. I agree you don't need to tell your H why you want a divorce.

My friend's father came out after which he completely cut himself out of their lives. They were small children at the time. That is the wrong way to do it. You really do need to be truthful and although it's hard, it would be crueller, now you've realised yourself, not to tell your family. I wish you luck with it xx

Grabbagun I feel for you and totally understand. I'm 52 and didn't know. I'm married with three teenagers and it's only the last two years it's dawned on me why I've never been man mad in my younger years. I fancied some for sure but looking back I had crushes on women more but didn't recognise it at the time. It's strange as I thought it'd be black and white and you'd just know.

I met a new friend over two years ago and I know it's limerence but she's all I think about.
I'd never tell her (I very strongly suspect she feels the same but is married to a woman) but I know we'd never cross that line.
We do a hobby together and are close friends but that's all.

I've grown apart from my husband for other reasons long before that but I also wonder what to do but my kids come first and they are happy well adjusted teenagers and I could also never hurt my husband as I know he loves me so much. I do love him also. He has Aspergers so I feel lonely so much but he's as happy as can be and a good man.

You have my sympathy , hope you work it out.

* I sort of suspected it and tried to come out a couple of times and got shut down and then made myself ignore it so I could get married and have children.*

^So you did know before you got married. So yes you did string along your husband. He will be devastated to know your whole relationship has been a lie. Poor, poor guy.

Op, I'm in the exact same position. I'm 31 and living with my male partner of 9 years. We have a four year old. I've always known I was at least bi but over the past year, it struck me that the idea of sleeping with men- and my partner- makes me shudder. I know I'm gay.

We have 25 years left on the mortgage and the only way to leave fairly would be to sell the house. His income means he wouldn't be able to get another mortgage, which means our four year old's home(s) would be up in the air.

I'm trapped.

drpet well I also had a boyfriend who I was attracted to in my mid teens and who I really liked. So it wasn’t totally cut and dry.
I’ve got more gay over time? I don’t know if that’s possible but that’s how it feels.

namechange can you just wait it out do you think? My concern is if I wait another 14 years I will be 54 and will have wasted more of everyone’s time. Although it’s probably better for the dc for me to wait it out so I don’t know.

Sadly, I have no choice but to wait it out, at least for a while.

If I left, and he stayed in the house with our DD, it would be the fairest option ... but I'd need to pay half of the mortgage (as he couldn't afford it all) on top of rent in a new place. I couldn't afford it. Unless I get a massive pay rise or win big on a scratch card, waiting is all I can do.

You're not alone OP there's a whole movement called late bloomer lesbianism and how women misreading their own sexual desire is actually rooted in patriarchy e.g. we are taught to need men and suppress our own needs It's equally interesting/depressing.

I'd also recommend you read Glennon Doyle's autobiography, she's a writer who went through the exact same experience. She's done a lot of podcasts too and there is a lots of other anecdotal stories from other women online.

Ultimately you're living a life of regret and that will surface in your day to day even if you don't realise it. But equally you have the benefit of being able to take your time and plan what your future could be.

Really all older kids need are happy parents. Although it will likely be painful in the short-term for your DH, if he wants you to stay in an unfulfilled/unhappy life then is that really the kind of person you want to sacrifice your life too? It's not uncommon for partners to remain friends, especially when children are involved.

I think it will only get harder for you as you get older. Could you open up to your husband? Work together to take small steps to a future that works for you, him and the children. Good communication is key here.

But your marriage is so unhappy you are self harming???

Your DC deserve a happy Mum! You don't need to rush into a new relationship BUT neither should you continue with this charade of a marriage. You are demonstrating to your DC that a relationship where one person is utterly miserable is normal.

@ConfusedAdultFemale

Looks a lot like you strung him along. Poor bloke.

No it doesn't, it's a process. If the OP were to continue the relationship now that she's fully conscious of her feelings then that could potentially be seen as stringing him along.

Your comment is total rubbish, horribly manipulative and very unhelpful.

Lots of women come out later in life, often once they feel their children are old enough to underatand and accept it. You are certainly not alone and you're definitely not too old to find happiness - either now or further down the line whenever you're ready.

I am so unhappy that I am self harming. Some of it is coming from frustration and anger at myself.

If you are straight, imagine having to sleep with a female friend for the next 14 years. That’s where I’m at.

Thank you for the replies. I didn’t mean to mislead DH and I think I’ve been a good wife and mother. It would be impossible for us to remain friends, there’s no way. If I leave him I have to be prepared for it to be very acrimonious and aggressive. If I were to date a women further down the line that would make it even harder so it’s not really that that makes me want to leave. It’s the constant nagging feeling that something is deeply wrong.

I think you know what you have to do. You and your husband deserve to be happy and clearly that's getting a divorce. Your children deserve to have happy parents. Seperate and take your time to find out who you are - I wish you lots of luck xx

I dont think it is fair to marry some one if you have doubts about your sexuality. The same way it isnt fair to marry some one you are having doubts about loving. Especially if the person you marry has no clue about your doubts.

It's done now though and hating your life so much you are self harming is not good for your children. You don't have a happy marriage so you should leave it.

Only then and when you have worked on building your new life and improving your mental health should you think about exploring a new relationship when you are ready.

@Grabbagrun

I wouldn’t leave and then parade a woman in front of my children though. They wouldn’t have to be aware of my sexuality as all. I don’t communicate with DH. He doesn’t know me. He would understandably be very angry were I to tell him I was gay and he doesn’t like gay people as an added bonus.

I realise I'm ranting a bit here, but there is a subtext od guilt in a lot of the comments on this thread. And it's not fair on you OP.

The woman AntsWomans has described is simply a bad mother who just happens to have been gay. You can be openly gay and a good parent, without the need to hide it from your kids. Not all divorced hetero parents dump their kids and run off into the sunset with the first fling they have, that's personality driven and not tied to sexuality. And frankly the lack of care you've described your husband giving you, I'd leave him regardless of how you identify and I wouldn't want him near my body.

Lead by example, would you want your children to live a miserable, suppressed life? Don't leave your marriage only to go even further into the closet. What is the point in that? Being your genuine self is not parading.

And a child has no reason to be embarrassed of their parents sexuality, there's plenty of far more shameful things - like dancing in public and hugging them in front of their mates . In fact you're might be surprised to find that they're more open minded than yourself.

I think in a similarly to how we're now seeing the highest rate of divorces happening in the 50/60+ generation, we'll probably see a higher rate of our generation coming out at a later age, as it's become more of a social norm

OP look at wikivorce online and for non-confrontational solicitors that offer a free initial session, start to view how you can separate.

You cannot have sex with him anymore and hurting yourself mentally and physically cannot continue.

I think it's selfish of you to assume that you can make this decision, your dh has a right to know and see what he wants, rather than you deciding for him that you're going to stay with him even though you are gay!

He doesn’t have a right to know I’m gay, necessarily. Not when he makes unkind and homophobic remarks about people who aren’t straight.

@Grabbagrun

He doesn’t have a right to know I’m gay, necessarily. Not when he makes unkind and homophobic remarks about people who aren’t straight.

Well if you don't want to tell him that you're gay then you at least need to be honest to the point where you tell him you don't love him like that, you're not attracted to him 'anymore' and it's not going to come back.

You don't just carry on pretending.

Also I just want to point out I completely understand where you are coming from about having sex with a friend.
I was basically manipulated into being in and staying in a relationship from when I was around 16 for 12+ years.

I did not want to be with him, i wasn't attracted to him but he would threaten suicide and other people put a lot of pressure on me to look after him.

Agreeing to sex that I didn't want to have caused me an incredible amount of sexual trauma! I was raped previously but sex with my ex caused far more sexual trauma. I wanted zero foreplay because I didn't want him touching me and as rough as possible which helped me switch off from what was happening.

I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone but luckily I am now free and I'm healing from the sexual trauma.

So I think you need to get yourself out of that situation, but the other side of it is that he does have a right to know that you don't love him even if you don't want to tell the truth about your sexuality. He could have a chance to meet someone who is obsessed with him and you don't have a right to take that away from him!