Is this a selfish reason to break up a family?

[Grabbagrun]

I’ve been married a long time, three dc.
Gradually over time I’ve realised I’m gay. I know to straight people that probably sounds insane, how could I reach 40 and not know well before. But I didn’t. Well I did and I didn’t. I sort of suspected it and tried to come out a couple of times and got shut down and then made myself ignore it so I could get married and have children.
However a couple of years ago I had therapy for something else and suddenly my sexuality became urgent. I’m gay. I know it. I feel it and once I’d accepted it about myself I felt like the constant searching stopped.
But in order to explore this further I’ve now got to let down and upset everyone in my life. It’s easier to box it back up and ignore it but what if I can’t?
I do appreciate that it sounds crazy to most people. I told a friend and her reaction wasn’t great. I said to her imagine being in a relationship with a woman and having to sleep with them etc and she said urgh, no. And I said that’s how I feel about being in a relationship with a man.
I’m aware this isn’t fair to DH but he’s perfectly happy at the moment and so are the dc. They’ve no idea at all that anything is wrong, I’ve pretended my whole life to a greater or lesser degree and I’m not sure why I can’t keep doing so but I’m really finding it very difficult.

I wouldn’t leave and then parade a woman in front of my children though.
They wouldn’t have to be aware of my sexuality as all.
I don’t communicate with DH. He doesn’t know me. He would understandably be very angry were I to tell him I was gay and he doesn’t like gay people as an added bonus.

I’m not ashamed of it but I think when you see 13/14 your parents reacting with horror and disgust is hard to stand up to.

No, I'm saying that there was an added element to his parents split because he felt embarrassed to talk about it.

I would never advocate you stay because I think you need to be true to who you are. I just wanted to give you the experience I know of. My ex boyfriend did eventually repair the relationship with his mum, but it took a lot of years and I think some of that could have been helped/sped up if his mum had realised her decision had an impact on him, made space to talk about it and gotten him some therapy.

But no two situations are going to be the same, just wanted to share what I'd seen.

Yes 🙁. I am acutely aware of how my poor decision making would impact everyone else.
I do feel it’s all a bit no win situation but I am certain I am gay, as soon as I accepted it I just knew it. I suppose in the same way that people know they are straight?
For a long time I just thought maybe I was asexual but lm not, I’m gay.
My options are either stay and keep pretending or leave and risk making everyone unhappy.
It is selfish to choose the latter option and I know it.

I think you should seek a divorce from your husband, getting legal advice yourself first.
I don't think it would be helpful to tell him it was due to your sexuality if he dislikes gay people.
It's just causing unnecessary hurt and anger for him and stress for you.
Just tell him the part of the truth he needs to hear, you are not happy in the marriage anymore and want to leave it.
You need to do it for yourself and if that is selfish so be it.
The longer you know this about yourself and have to actively suppress it the more resentful you are going to become towards your husband and possibly your parents and DC also.
The little annoyances we overlook in the ones we love will become heinous crimes that you can't let go and have angry arguments about.
Then your DC will grow up and leave you in a marriage you are miserable in if you're husband doesn't leave you first for being argumentative and resentful towards him.
Also it would be far better to have divorced and got your DC through that trauma before you meet a woman you want a relationship with and might want them to meet.
I know your not actively seeking romance, but now you've acknowledged it to yourself it will become more and more likely.

I was going to come on and say that if this were me and I'd managed to get this far then I'd probably soldier on until my youngest had left home. Then I saw that your husband doesn't even like gay people! So you're basically married to a bigot, that would make it very difficult to stay and keep up the pretence.

I was in this position several years ago. I left and as much as I want to tell you that I have been happier being my true self I really hate it and wished that I’d carried on pretending.

Do you & your husband have a good relationship in general now? Remember this will end once you break his heart.

Your beautiful children that you see every day now, that will be no more and you will have to share them. Is it really worth it ?

I’m not sure. I don’t know. But every time I sleep with DH it feels like I’m being violated and it makes me cry.
We have a very transactional relationship, I suppose.
permanently what happened? Is everyone unhappy now?

Can I do that for another 12 years or more? I don’t know.

If he’s an angry man in general and homophobic to boot I’d not have any reservations on leaving. That is not the kind of person that deserves to be put first and you definitely shouldn’t soldier on for the sake of the kids. Kids need a happy home with people who can freely show love and affection (regardless of their sexual orientation! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a gay mum!!) You don’t want them to grow up learning that not talking and anger are the way a relationship should be

@DifferentHair

This makes me so sad for your DH and for you.

It's so unfair to your DH who lost his chance to meet and start a family with the right person.

I don't have any advice, it's really a no win situation. Are there LGBTI services that provide counseling for this?

Best of luck to you OP.

This. So unfair that you suspected you were gay and married a man anyway, living a lie and dragging him and your children into it. Very selfish IMO just to keep up pretenses with your parents. You've wasted his time and yours. I know I've been through it from the other side.

Yes I suspected but I didn’t know and I I didn’t want to be. I don’t think people quite understand the not wanting to be and the fear around it. I met Dh aged 18. I married at 20. I didn’t have a whole lot of time to find out who I was - I know it’s my own fault but I didn’t marry him thinking I was lying to him.
I loved him and I thought that was enough.

You are depressed and anxious and you don't have to decide on your sexuality in the situation. You do, however, need to leave him as the relationship is causing the issues. When apart, take time for you to get to know yourself. If you feel the same then get onto the dating scene and see women, but you really need time after a breakup to recover so there's no benefit if bringing sexuality into this.

I’m not sure. I don’t know. But every time I sleep with DH it feels like I’m being violated and it makes me cry.

This is not okay. Take being lesbian out of it, what do you think you would do if you were in a relationship feeling like this and there was no one else nor questions about your sexual orientation? What would you advise a friend to do who came to you and said just this?

I would ignore the ‘stringing along’ comments and read the post by MuthaFunka61

Good luck.

To be honest I think it's unfair on your husband to stay. I know someone (man) who was in this situation and when his wife eventually came out he was angry that she had effectively lied to him for years.

Remember you only have one life. Times have changed and people are more accepting now. There are many women like you.

My DH’s first wife came out when she was forty. Their DCs were a little older than yours. They’d also had a long marriage where she had tried to repress her sexuality.

She had a mental breakdown snd was hospitalised so when she finally came out DH was relieved it was all explainable. He still loved her and just wanted her to be happy. I came on the scene when they still shared a house and were planning the next steps for separation.

What she did was to show her DCs that it is important to be true to yourself - the people that love you will always support you. I have huge admiration for her for coming out as she did ...plus I bagged her gorgeous DH .

She is now also re-married to an incredible woman and they have a wonderful life - the DCs are great too.

It was not easy for her financially (or their DCs - change is never popular). But in some ways it was not so hard as she and DH didn’t argue (snd still don’t). Remember being gay is very mainstream for kids now (for my DCs anyway).

Whatever you decided, I recommend you see a psychologist and join some support groups. You are not alone.

*sorry for typos, on my phone!

So you are only early 40s, you feel violated when you have sex with DH and your relationship is very transactional. You are depressed/unhappy/anxious.

It really does sound not that happy? Why don't you end it, even if you stay single you will be happier?

@chocolatesaltyballs22

To be honest I think it's unfair on your husband to stay. I know someone (man) who was in this situation and when his wife eventually came out he was angry that she had effectively lied to him for years.

Thing is though, the OP hasn’t lied.

Let’s say someone pops a can of Coke or bottle of water in my bag. I am asked if I’m carrying any liquids and say no. I’m not lying, answering truthfully with the information I have.

(That’s a crap example, I know. There’s a Coke next to me!)

But the OP was informing her H truthfully. Later events have made her realise that this isn’t the case.

In the OPs case I’d be inclined to stay put but I’m not her.

Your sexuality is a bit of a redherring, you don’t love your husband, you aren’t attracted to him etc, for those reasons alone the relationship isn’t healthy and they are more than enough reasons to end.

You aren’t the first one in this situation and you definitely aren’t the last, if you look at people who have been through this and had the strength to be honest with themselves you’ll see they are thriving.

There are some fantastic support groups out there, be it in real life or online. Please look after yourself, you’re really important.

Look I feel sorry for your dh in a way as he's got no idea what's about to come but please live your life for you!

There's a new exciting journey ahead of you now and you'll feel so much lighter going forward living true to yourself.

Your kids are all old enough to deal with it and surely they'd rather their mum was happy than living in misery.

I think you need to go for it

The first step is maybe to end the marriage and the rest can come later.

I think your relationship is over - its sounds awful you dont communicate and its transactional.

Sort that out and remain I think for awhile single while you sort it and figure out who you want to be and take it from there.