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Original poster

Red flags on second date

122 replies

Beauxandarrow · 29/05/2021 07:15

Hi all.

Before I dive in to this, I’m not asking if these are red flags or not, I know they are. I just want an opinion on how likely this scenario is to be true, because all my senses are telling me to run for the hills to be honest.

So I went on a second date last night. We went to dinner at a nice sushi restaurant and I was looking forward to it after a good first date and good conversation over messaging following our first meet up.

It started well last night and we talked about a few things we have in common such as values etc. After a few drinks though, he told me that in the interest of being transparent, he wanted to tell me that he has a conviction for sexual assault.

He is in the military and said that he was on a night out a few years back and him and his friends got chatting to some girls in the pub and one of them accused him of putting his hand down her top and groping her. Apparently the CCTV didn’t show the table they were sat on so it was very much a he said/she said scenario. This turned in to a 9 month long court process and despite 6 of his friends apparently telling consistent stories to the court, there was a risk of him being found guilty so he was advised to plead guilty to save his job.

Something doesn’t feel right about this story.

9 months of court for groping? I’m not minimising that at all, but it sounds like more actually happened than he is letting on. Also, under what circumstance could it be advised to plead guilty to something you didn’t do? I questioned this and told him I can’t understand why that would save your job and he said if he had pleaded not guilty and then been found guilty he would’ve been kicked out.

He then went on to mention how he has been verbally and physically assaulted by blokes on his ship following the incident because of hearsay and people making rumours about him being a rapist.

This is just not right is it? I am just not convinced that this is because of ‘transparency’. I have friends in the military and I feel like he’s only told me this before someone else does.

Very, very odd. Needless to say I don’t feel another date is on the cards.

OP posts:

Naunet · 29/05/2021 19:43

@Sidge

Generally military guys are pretty loyal - for his colleagues to beat him up and call him a rapist means that he probably raped her, even if that’s not what he was convicted of.

Despite their laddish behaviour and regular desire to get their leg over, all the military guys I knew and worked with had a strong sense of right and wrong, and justice, and did not tolerate that sort of thing at all.

Yeah, my guess is that it was a woman they knew too. One of the other guys sister/girlfriend/wife for them to react like that.

Or, he hasn’t been beaten up at all and just said it to try to look like the victim.

viques · 29/05/2021 19:47

Ignore the fact that all his friends backed up his story, because sadly that is what friends in this situation do. Rely on your own instincts and feelings. If you feel uncomfortable with him, and with the story then let that be what guides you.

Sampafie · 30/05/2021 00:07

Wow imagine bringing someone like this into your circle of friends and family and he ends up assaulting one of your nieces or daughter. Too many women are soo desperate to have a partner nowadays its disgusting

Unsure98 · 30/05/2021 00:22

Hi OP, sorry your first date back out there turned out to be so awful. But glad you found out sooner rather than later. Don’t let this put you off, keep dating and listen to your instincts

Triphazards · 30/05/2021 00:26

The red flag is him telling you this story.

ferando81 · 30/05/2021 00:45

Plead guilty to sexual assault to save your job :
A guilty plea is more likely to lead you to lose your job
Secondly what job in the military is worth keeping if it means you have to plead guilty to a sexual act you didn’t do

happytohavefoundyou · 30/05/2021 01:07

@Beauxandarrow sounds like he was the victim
Now his story could of been true but adding how he was bully by others cause they believed this women sound like he is a poor me kind of guy & I would run! Theses are not people you want in your life

CharlotteRose90 · 30/05/2021 01:34

Please do a Sarah’s law on this guy. It’s definitely more then a grab especially with no cctv. He’s been honest bringing it up but there’s defo more. Also what rank was he in the army? If he was just a standard soldier then he’s definitely lying .

CharlotteRose90 · 30/05/2021 01:37

@CharlotteRose90

Apologies it’s clares law not Sarah

SionnachGlic · 30/05/2021 01:52

I would have thought employment likely to be in jeopardy by a guilty plea & conviction on a sexual offence charge whereas had he tried to defend himself there was a chance at least that he could have been found innocent. Something is not adding up for me with this part at least. Can you go to your local police & ask for some info ...surely if it is on public record they should be able to tell you something about the case.

EnjoyingTheSunshine · 30/05/2021 02:01

I doubt that someone would go to court for merely groping.

Bigbluebuttons · 30/05/2021 02:46

He has told you this on a second date. That alone is MASSIVE. He gets in first, controls the narrative and reels you in. As @Triphazards says, there is the red flag. Right there.

IdblowJonSnow · 30/05/2021 02:58

I agree. This has bullshit all over it and he is testing your boundaries OP.

Please don't see him again.

fedupwiththeguy · 30/05/2021 05:15

Two dates? Why bother? Next!

That being said, my NEX has made my life hell after divorce, making many allegations. I was charged with two counts of assault, CPS involved, etc.

From the beginning, the Crown offered me a deal, guilty plead with a peace bond. I could NEVER take it. However, it took months to get the discovery file (the evidence that the police gathers, such as interviews, medical files, etc). After that, negotiations are started. It took about 10 months to get the Crown to agree to a withdrawal... that with covid became over two years to be signed.

I could have taken the peace bond, criminal record clean after a year if no reoffence, save 2 years of my live and many thousand dollars... My values did not let me do it, but I understand why some people would plead guilty to save all the gried I went through to fight this.

Original poster

Beauxandarrow · 30/05/2021 07:22

@Sampafie sorry....who is desperate please? I have said obviously we won’t be dating again. Read the thread.

OP posts:

MsJinks · 30/05/2021 12:15

I imagine he pleaded guilty to a lesser offence than the original charge - it’s plea bargaining - the original charge might have been more difficult for the prosecution to win for sure, plus of course it saves the victim having to testify and an awful lot of court time. Or he may have arranged to plead guilty to one offence not all, for reasons as above again.
He said, she said are so difficult to win that I think he’d have been unlikely to plead guilty without good evidence.
Second date is quite early I would have thought, so at least be grateful for that. It almost sounds like he thinks it’s an ok thing and that he can explain, so that’s really worrying in itself. He either wonders if you’re up for accepting this behaviour going forwards, or thinks you could find out - eg if he’s around kids, or has to report as on a register - I’m sure some rare folk are genuinely found guilty when they’re not, but this guy isn’t one of them.

inthenameofthemother · 30/05/2021 12:39

Lawyers don't let people plead guilty if they aren't. And no one pleads guilty to any type of sexual assault unless they absolutely have to because it rightly carries such stigma and shame. I'm a criminal lawyer. If someone disclosed this to me, I might have stayed and finished my drink but I probably would have just have got up and walked out the door there and then. Because that's what you do when someone has told you they have stood in court and admitted to sexually assaulting another person. Everyone says my lawyer made me or I did it for a b and c. He pleaded because he did it. And I can be 100 % certain he isn't telling you the truth of it.

Iseeyoulookingatme · 30/05/2021 13:19

Speaking from experience do not go on another date with this man. My Stbex told me a similar story of how he was falsely accused of rape and it wasn't true and I naively believed him. He raped me and now denies doing it to me. I would run a mile from anyone who ever said this to me.

Sandra15 · 30/05/2021 13:50

I posted a few weeks ago about a bloke I had a couple of dates with who has now been arrested for possession of child and animal pornography. I was horrified. He didn't show any leanings when I knew him, but it was only a few dates. But he did tell me that he was told to plead guilty to headbutting his ex when he swore blind he hadn't. He turned out to be a wrong 'un!!!

DoingItMyself · 30/05/2021 13:58

Stop thinking about it, OP. You're throwing this one back, and that's all that counts.

GammyLeg · 30/05/2021 20:06

The ins and outs of his guilty plea is a red herring. To even get to court police need to make a case and it needs to be watertight - the bar is very high. That’s why the majority of sexual assault cases never even make it to court.

I think he’s lying. Sorry OP.

Twitchynose · 30/05/2021 20:27

I think your gut feeling was absolutely right OP. I’m sure the next guy you date will be better, if nothing else you must have improved the odds of that by getting rid of this creep!

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