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Original poster

Red flags on second date

122 replies

Beauxandarrow · 29/05/2021 07:15

Hi all.

Before I dive in to this, I’m not asking if these are red flags or not, I know they are. I just want an opinion on how likely this scenario is to be true, because all my senses are telling me to run for the hills to be honest.

So I went on a second date last night. We went to dinner at a nice sushi restaurant and I was looking forward to it after a good first date and good conversation over messaging following our first meet up.

It started well last night and we talked about a few things we have in common such as values etc. After a few drinks though, he told me that in the interest of being transparent, he wanted to tell me that he has a conviction for sexual assault.

He is in the military and said that he was on a night out a few years back and him and his friends got chatting to some girls in the pub and one of them accused him of putting his hand down her top and groping her. Apparently the CCTV didn’t show the table they were sat on so it was very much a he said/she said scenario. This turned in to a 9 month long court process and despite 6 of his friends apparently telling consistent stories to the court, there was a risk of him being found guilty so he was advised to plead guilty to save his job.

Something doesn’t feel right about this story.

9 months of court for groping? I’m not minimising that at all, but it sounds like more actually happened than he is letting on. Also, under what circumstance could it be advised to plead guilty to something you didn’t do? I questioned this and told him I can’t understand why that would save your job and he said if he had pleaded not guilty and then been found guilty he would’ve been kicked out.

He then went on to mention how he has been verbally and physically assaulted by blokes on his ship following the incident because of hearsay and people making rumours about him being a rapist.

This is just not right is it? I am just not convinced that this is because of ‘transparency’. I have friends in the military and I feel like he’s only told me this before someone else does.

Very, very odd. Needless to say I don’t feel another date is on the cards.

OP posts:
FlowDownStream · 29/05/2021 10:14

How comes he would lose his job if found guilty in court but not if he pleaded guilty. Maybe he was charged and going to trial with a even more serious offence and took a plead deal to a assault offence?

moofolk · 29/05/2021 10:15

No. No. No.

There is no way this is true. When it's the word of six men against one woman, the woman barely ever wins, even when it's very clearly a gang rape.

See the trials in Belfast a d Cyprus but yes, same happens here.

Most rapes never go to court because it's a one persons word against another, and those that do have a terrible conviction rate.

So groping in a pub? Nah. That's not what happened.

Budapestdreams · 29/05/2021 10:21

I agree with pp, although we don't know the full story the chances are it was probably a more serious sexual assault/rape and he was most likely guilty.
Unless you can find the court/police records you'll never know

What would he say if you asked for more details including official records?
He probably wouldn't agree to it or would deny having any.
I wouldn't actually bother going down that route though.

I would tell him you're not going on another date with him and block him.

You know these are red flags op, so do something about it and walk away.

Maskedrevenger · 29/05/2021 10:27

Sad to say that I don’t think many service men would take a colleague giving a drunken grope, if that is what actually happened, seriously enough to call your date a rapist and assault him. Just going by my experience of military personnel of course and the amount of sexual assaults female personnel are subjected to.

Budapestdreams · 29/05/2021 10:30

I think he is setting up his version of events so that when you hear about him being a rapist, you will say "oh no, he didn't do it, he only pleaded guilty to save his job, he's a great guy really".

Gemma2019 · 29/05/2021 10:35

I'm shocked that he kept his job in the military with a conviction for sexual assault (whatever the conviction was - obviously he isn't telling the truth).

Original poster
Beauxandarrow · 29/05/2021 10:37

For those saying my counselling hasn’t worked... it has. That’s why I’m not buying what he’s said to me.

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 29/05/2021 10:38

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? Have his babies? If not what is the point? There are so many other men who just aren’t dragging around this type of baggage. Leave him for someone else to unravel, he really isn’t your problem.

justanotherneighinparadise · 29/05/2021 10:41

@Beauxandarrow

For those saying my counselling hasn’t worked... it has. That’s why I’m not buying what he’s said to me.
I’m not sure you’re correct that the counselling has sorted your boundaries. I think they’re still off. I think you’re feeling some sort of obligation to give this relative stranger a chance, like you owe him something. You owe him nothing. You don’t need to try and fix him. You don’t need to spend hours googling to see if his story is accurate. It’s a red flag and your obligation is to yourself and to act on it for you own safety and preservation.
Nonmaquillee · 29/05/2021 10:41

Walk away

Don’t waste a second more

Anonapuss · 29/05/2021 10:45

I bet what happened here is that he was accused of rape & sexual assault and he plead guilty to the sexual assault and the rape wasnt enough evidence or something. Or it was a deal to just plead guilty to the lessor.

It would tie the story together of him being called a rapist by colleagues.

Mondy · 29/05/2021 10:51

Look to the horizon. See those hills? Run to them.

HollowTalk · 29/05/2021 11:02

Pleading guilty to this isn't like accepting a parking fine. He would have to stand up in court and say he'd done whatever was claimed.

What was the sentence? I'm surprised you haven't got anywhere with Google.

Happycat1212 · 29/05/2021 11:02

My ex told me after a few dates that he had been to prison for dv, he later went on to be violent to me. I googled his name and there is absolutely nothing online so it doesn’t always show online and it’s 100% his name. I wish I had walked away.

Lipz · 29/05/2021 11:03

His story is a bit suspicious. A 9 month trial is not for a grope. I'm not in the UK but we have similar laws to you.

I definitely think you should end things, his stories are not adding up. Don't feel bad, just tell him straight. You'll meet someone else.

Tigertalk · 29/05/2021 11:04

@Beauxandarrow

For those saying my counselling hasn’t worked... it has. That’s why I’m not buying what he’s said to me.
Thing is, most people wouldn’t start a thread to even discuss this. It would just be a block and onto the next person
HollowTalk · 29/05/2021 11:04

Oh sorry, just seen you haven't actually mentioned Google.

Does anyone know if Clare's Law would apply here, so the OP could speak to a police officer about what he was charged with?

Happycat1212 · 29/05/2021 11:05

Oh I should add my ex told me what had happened and said he had only flicked his ex in the eye with a string Confused and that was classed as DV , years down the line I mentioned the story to his sister and her exact words “that’s a new one” as in he had never said it like that to her and it was a new story. So of course he is going to tell you a different version.

NeedToKnow101 · 29/05/2021 11:12

I continued dating someone who talked about all the fights he had been in on our first few dates. Completely not my usual type. Hate fighting. Anyway it was a mistake to keep dating him. Made life very difficult for me when I ended it.
Run!!!!!

NeedToKnow101 · 29/05/2021 11:13

And you don't owe him anything, remember.

Umberellatheweatha · 29/05/2021 11:36

@HollowTalk

Oh sorry, just seen you haven't actually mentioned Google.

Does anyone know if Clare's Law would apply here, so the OP could speak to a police officer about what he was charged with?

No, they have only had two dates.

There are other people far more in need of Claires law being processed for them than someone who has got two dates in and already knows someone has a record for sexual assault.

That's literally all Claire's law would tell you anyway. That they have previous.

Happycat1212 · 29/05/2021 11:42

Does Claire’s law not tell you the details then? I’ve always wanted to do it with my ex to know the truth but never been brave enough (and before anyone says why bother he’s an ex, we have children together)

championthewonderhorse70 · 29/05/2021 11:45

I know someone who bumped into someone on a night out. She reported him sexual assault. His solicitor recommended he plEad guilty even though CCTV literally showed her walking into him on a fairly empty street.

The accusations made no physical sense as were not actual possible due to the difference in height.

So it's not usual and courts are backed up so some cases take years to be heard.

I've got no advice because only you know how much you like him. But his version could well be true

SpeakingFranglais · 29/05/2021 11:48

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

There's no way a case would get to trial without solid evidence. If it happened as he said the CPS would not have approved a prosecution. He's lying.
100%

DIL was groped in a pub two Christmas ago, it was on CCTV, it went to and from police and CPS and the police tried really hard to get it to court. In the end they dropped it as it wasn’t in the public interest and they couldn’t guarantee a conviction.

He was guilty.

Tigertalk · 29/05/2021 11:51

@championthewonderhorse70

I know someone who bumped into someone on a night out. She reported him sexual assault. His solicitor recommended he plEad guilty even though CCTV literally showed her walking into him on a fairly empty street. The accusations made no physical sense as were not actual possible due to the difference in height. So it's not usual and courts are backed up so some cases take years to be heard.

I've got no advice because only you know how much you like him. But his version could well be true

Hmm
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