Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need a hand hold

377 replies

iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 26/05/2021 18:38

After almost two years of bullshit I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm booked into a refuge through women's aid.

So why do I feel guilty? I feel deceitful. I feel like a terrible person.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 28/05/2021 15:58

I know I sound such an ungrateful mare. I'm sure I'll soon be much more content. Thanks you all for your encouragement and support

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/05/2021 16:04

You don't sound ungrateful, you sound understandably fucked off that right now his life seems to have continued while yours has been turned upside down. But it's for long term gain and you really can't go back there for quite a while - you need your support worker to talk you through your options like occupation orders. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face by going back because it's not fair. It's not fair, not at all, but you need to play the long game for the sake of your girls. It'll be so worth it.

If you go home too soon he will talk you round somehow. He'll make such a fuss at the door that you end up opening it. He will say he just wants to talk / clear the air, then he just wants to see the girls / misses you all etc. None of that would change the fact he is an abuser. Drug user. Used to pick girls out from a line up with his dealer and have sex with them for them to get drugs. Assaulted you. Daily. Sexually. Absurd you. Daily. Emotionally. That's what you'd be going back to, not just your house.

The authorities and women's aid will help you but only if you do everything by the book from today on. No impulse moves, no wavering, no minimising.

Long game for the win Thanks

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/05/2021 16:05

And please do keep posting if it will help you keep strong - you've done so, so well this last few days Thanks

SengaMac · 28/05/2021 18:14

But it's for long term gain and you really can't go back there for quite a while - you need your support worker to talk you through your options like occupation orders.

It will be much better for the children to be nowhere near that man - where he might cause trouble with them or the people looking after them.

Get all the help you can to keep yourselves safe.

Queenie6655 · 28/05/2021 18:21

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

I'm devastated. I had arranged for my youngest to still attend her school 2 days a week, they've said it's not allowed and if I dont follow their advice it then becomes a safe guarding concern. They want her to go to school here. We're not allowed to go to our home city at all so she can't even have her Friday night sleepovers at her nanny's house anymore.

My eldest is with her dad until Monday but our plan was for her to stay with her dad Monday - Friday and with me Friday-Sunday so that she didn't need to miss school. But now even that is a concern since my ex knows where he lives.

I honestly don't know what to do. I really dont want to change their school.

I am so fucking isolated here and any semblance of normality for us has been stripped away.

I have considered calling the police and asking them to remove the arsehole from my house and getting a restraining order so we can go home and things can go back to normal.

None of this is fair.

Right ok

Your part about calling the police and getting the bastard removed

What do others think?
Why is the fcker in your house?
Is it an option to do so and get a restraining order?

Gosh I am sorry you are going through this

For the other posters on here is it better to stay in refuge or speak to your support worker and say hang on
My home is our home he must be removed?

Sending good wishes to you

Lillygolightly · 28/05/2021 18:27

You’ve done so very well, and you don’t sound ungrateful at all. Nothing about this is fair right now, but you are free and your girls are free. It’s going to take some time for you to find your feet, but you will. Everything is different, and new in that unfamiliar alien was, it takes time to be comfortable but it will happen. For all the nice things and home comfort your old house offered you were never really comfortable there, you were abused and lived on eggshells daily. Where you are right now may not be anything like as nice, but once it’s clean and you’ve made it feel like home (which you will) you’ll get to have that lovely calm, warm comfortable feeling that you’ve been missing for hod knows how long, I bet you can hardly remember how it feels, but trust me when I tell you that it’s coming and it’s so so worth it!!!

FantasticButtocks · 28/05/2021 18:51

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto
I'm devastated. I had arranged for my youngest to still attend her school 2 days a week, they've said it's not allowed and if I dont follow their advice it then becomes a safe guarding concern. They want her to go to school here.

But if the dc continue in their schools wouldn't he be down there hanging around at pick up and drop-off? Surely that would be a real danger. An easy way for him to be in contact with you. I know it's more upheaval for the dcs to change schools on top of everything else, but safety (yours and dcs) does need to trump everything else.

And yes, it must be absolutely galling that while you're making the most of your surroundings, he is languishing in your lovely home. That is shit. Thanks

loosingmymind99 · 28/05/2021 20:53

I didn't want to read and run and just wanted to say how brave and wonderful I think you are. Once you find your feet in your new place you'll look back at this and be so glad you did it. Don't look back, you might some rubbish days but you have an amazing future ahead of to do as you please. Best of luck to you and your girls. Keep posting we are all behind you Thanks

masha17 · 28/05/2021 21:29

You're doing so well. You're right to feel angry he is in your beautiful home but you should be immensely proud of yourself for getting you & your girls out. You can build from this and give them a far better life.
Changing their school feels so hard but they will be ok. I'm sure their new school will make them feel special and they'll be safe and you'll be safe which is what they need.
Take care of yourself, allow yourself to cry & allow yourself to be happy. Sending strength your way Flowers

trevthecat · 29/05/2021 13:50

How are you feeling today?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/05/2021 16:28

Just stopping by to see how you are @iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto this weather is lovely - have you managed to enjoy some time in the sun with your girls? Thanks

Sorrento2014 · 29/05/2021 21:26

I know Op has enough on her plate and shouldn't feel any pressure to update until it suits and unless it helps, but I am worried the situation with School may feel like a real setback for her 😞I hope you are ok Op and have had a good day with your girls. Things will get better.

Queenie6655 · 31/05/2021 09:33

Lots of love to you and your little ones xxx

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/06/2021 08:14

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

There's never any obligation to come back to a thread, but if you have a second to let us know you're safe that would be so appreciated. Have been willing you and your girls on and even if you've gone back, many of us just want to know that you're ok? Thanks

Queenie6655 · 01/06/2021 11:51

Sending you all best wishes xx

PinotPony · 01/06/2021 12:23

Hope you're doing ok, OP. You've been so incredibly brave.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/06/2021 21:33

Just wanted to let you know I'm still thinking of you @iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto and hope you're ok. Even if you've gone back, if you need support then there are still people who can help Thanks

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 16/06/2021 23:42

I returned home. The refuge said I wouldn't be rehoused in my city and that my children would have to move schools. This absolutely broke me. So I had my mum remove him (although he went willingly) and we are home. I have seen him time to time but I'm being very careful. Social services are video calling tomorrow.

That is the worst part because I'm an excellent mum and social services involvement is just not justified: it all makes me terribly sad.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/06/2021 10:02

I am so pleased that you are home and he left.

You have done nothing wrong.

Just keep going, it takes time but life will get better and better Thanks

Sorrento2014 · 18/06/2021 09:12

Well done you for standing firm and ensuring he left, that is a great example to your daughters. Social Services will know that you are doing all you can to protect them and yourself in difficult circumstances.

Stick with it and good luck with the Social Services call.

masha17 · 18/06/2021 21:43

That's completely understandable and it's such good news that he left and you were able to get home. Hope the call went ok. Thinking of you.

balzamico · 19/06/2021 09:39

Oh well done
@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto that sounds like it could be the best outcome. Just remember that social services are there to help not to catch you out in some way. Engage with them and stay away from to know that you are doing the the best for you and your children

Lex634412 · 20/06/2021 13:11

Just read through all of your threads OP. And I'm so so proud of how far you have come! You and your girls deserve so much better than him. If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to DM me. And if you ever have a wobble please just come to this thread and we will all be there to support you Flowers

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 10/07/2021 21:53

You'll all flame me for this but I'm back at square one. I said to stay apart 6 days a week. He won't leave. He won't leave my body alone. I can't face another refuge. Somebody please talk to me

OP posts:
Kwackerly · 10/07/2021 22:05

Oh OP you sound so down. Can you talk to your mum? I really feel you need proper real life support here. If it helps, it sounds like you are nearing your limit? You have tolerated this behaviour for so long, but everyone has a point where they say no more, do you feel like you might be nearly there? It took my mum a long time to say no more, I understand it comes when you are ready. I hope this is your moment.

Sending strength and love to you as I would to my daughter.