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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need a hand hold

377 replies

iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 26/05/2021 18:38

After almost two years of bullshit I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm booked into a refuge through women's aid.

So why do I feel guilty? I feel deceitful. I feel like a terrible person.

OP posts:
LtDansleg · 10/07/2021 22:11

Is he back in the house op? I think you need to call the police

brokenbics · 10/07/2021 22:14

Hi sweetheart, if you've asked him to leave and he is refusing then you really need to call the police. You don't know what will be the final straw for him and god forbid he lashes out and does something silly. Please, please get help for the sake of you and your children.
Sending so much love and strength your way Thanks

fantastaballs · 10/07/2021 22:16

Every single person in this thread knew that this would happen, apart from you. This, NOW, is the time to call the police and press charges. That is the only way out of this. You can't protect yourself while he is there. You can't protect your children. Otherwise social services wouldn't be involved.

Just call the police already!

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 10/07/2021 22:17

He is back in the house. I have mentioned that we made an agreement when I came back. Thing is I don't feel I can just insist he goes back to his mums. He reacts all glum and flabbergasted at the mere mention.

It's not fair on him either, I recoil when he comes anywhere near me

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 10/07/2021 22:18

I'm tempted to get in contact with women's aid again. Just can't face leaving my dog

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 10/07/2021 22:21

@fantastaballs I know you're right. Life doesn't run that easy though.

OP posts:
LtDansleg · 10/07/2021 22:40

So the refuge threatened you with safeguarding measures because you wanted your children to attend the school near where he was living. But now you’ve actually moved him back in? You’ve had all the support in the world, got given a flat and the chance of a fresh start for the girls, but now they’re back in that house listening to your oh abuse you. I don’t mean to make you feel horrible op, but as soon as everyone knows he’s back in that house then there’s a chance those safeguarding measures will actually be taken. You can lose your children. I’m assuming the eldests dad can take her. But where will your youngest go? You need to phone the police and get him removed op

User57327259 · 10/07/2021 22:40

Devotion to your dog could be the very thing he is using to control you.
Dont worry about his feelings when you send him back to his mum. He is not considering your feelings now that he has landed back at your house. He has got what he wanted. Just chick him out

LtDansleg · 10/07/2021 22:45

@User57327259

Devotion to your dog could be the very thing he is using to control you. Dont worry about his feelings when you send him back to his mum. He is not considering your feelings now that he has landed back at your house. He has got what he wanted. Just chick him out
The op clearly doesn’t want to and has no intention to. Her reasons are just excuses. She’d risk her children going into care so they don’t have to move schools, which they will have to do anyway if they go into care. She couldn’t go to a refuge because she’s worried about the dog. She can’t ask him to stay at his mums because it makes him look glum..
CockapooMum · 10/07/2021 22:58

If you have to go into refuge then the refuge staff can help with putting your dog into temporary foster care until you are able to have them back.

Children are so resilient and if you did have to change your daughters school then they will soon settle in. It's tough I know as I had to do the same for my daughter as my ex would turn up there at home time as it was the one place he knew where I would be. Moving her was better for both mine and her mental health as I was terrified of bumping into him.

You can do this! If he won't leave or you fear for your safety call the police and they will remove him for you. I know it's hard but break all contact. Block him. If he has anything to say it can be thru solicitors or SS. If you do nothing and school find out he is living with you again it will be reported as a safeguarding issue and at best you'll end up on the child protection register or they'll remove them from your care. If you seek help you will be supported tho.

Youreacockarentyou · 10/07/2021 23:07

I have read your entire thread & I was so sad to get to the end and see his back OP. I’m so sorry you’re doing through this.

But PPs are right, if they wouldn’t even house you back in your hometown because of this pathetic loser than what are social services going to do when they find out he is back in the house? You could lose your girls!

Moving schools, homes etc is all massively shit for your girls & they shouldn’t have to but losing you would be the absolute worst thing that could happen to them.

Whenever you feel this guilt towards him, get fucking angry. For the unnecessary upheaval, the stress he is causing you all…

Kick him the fuck out, & if he comes back call the police. If he comes back again call the police again, & again and again. You need to become desensitised to it. Don’t even think, just do. Your children are depending on it Flowers

lompolo · 10/07/2021 23:10

I going to be harsh. Safeguarding your children needs to be your priority. ... not which school they go to, or your dog or "glum man". You need to get this man out of your life. No excuses.

If you fail to safeguard your children, the authorities will have no choice but to step in. If they felt you shouldn't be housed locally, they obviously have serious concerns about this man and currently you have demonstrated a complete disregard for that by not only going home, but also letting him back in.

Glowbuggy · 10/07/2021 23:53

Social services need to step in and take your children away. At least send them to their father, or your parents.
You’re allowing your children to be in an environment when sexual abuse is taking place. Your children should be removed immediately. You know that, right?

Glowbuggy · 10/07/2021 23:57

And it’s disgusting that you’re more worried about a bloody dog than your children’s safety. I work in this area and I’m so angry and disgusted by this. I’m sick of it, these poor kids are raised with mental and emotional problems because of their parents failure to protect them. No second chances.

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 11/07/2021 00:16

@Glowbuggy I hope your posts have made u feel nice and superior.

If you work in this area then perhaps you should be more aware of how fucking hard it is to leave an abusive relationship!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 11/07/2021 00:18

@Glowbuggy

And it’s disgusting that you’re more worried about a bloody dog than your children’s safety. I work in this area and I’m so angry and disgusted by this. I’m sick of it, these poor kids are raised with mental and emotional problems because of their parents failure to protect them. No second chances.
And also, given that you work on this area apparently, you should be able to look at this with a professional mindset. Narrow minded and judgemental points of view do not make a healthy practitioner.
OP posts:
LtDansleg · 11/07/2021 00:31

[quote iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto]@Glowbuggy I hope your posts have made u feel nice and superior.

If you work in this area then perhaps you should be more aware of how fucking hard it is to leave an abusive relationship!!!

[/quote]
Going by the way glowbuggy worded that post, I doubt very much she works in this capacity. But your thread is very upsetting and people are running out of empathy. The thing is that you DID leave op. I know someone going through horrendous abuse but has had to ‘sofa surf’ for 18 months with 3 children because the resources aren’t there to help her. You were helped to leave and actually given accommodation. Social services knew you weren’t taking this seriously enough to the point that there was a risk of you returning the children to your abuser, so put in conditions to keep them safe. Instead of following their advice you’ve shit all over everyone who’s tried to help, moved back home and allowed him back in. You’ve failed your children. At this point I don’t even know what anyone can say that will make a difference to you. You and your children are beyond help. At this stage I’d seriously consider giving them to relatives before they end up in a foster home. Does your ex even know his daughters living back with your bf?

Redruby2020 · 11/07/2021 00:48

@KarmaNoMore

One step at a time Op, it may take years to stop considering his needs even after you parted. But honestly, once the shock wears off it is, literally, as if the sun has come out. There’s a wonderful life out there, you just need to let go of the one you are used to.
Yes absolutely! Me and my ex have lived apart more than a year, broke it off with him officially at the end of last summer, and I still find the thoughts etc how to deal with it, quite hard, you do get there, bit by bit OP.
Glowbuggy · 11/07/2021 02:37

When I say ‘work in this area’, I’m a lawyer, I work for legal aid, and have witnessed some of the most horrific neglect of children possible. I’m angry and I am sick of mothers and fathers who put their children at risk and ruin their lives. No more compassion from me. I cheered for you when you left, do it again.

No more compassion from me. And no more second chances.

Glowbuggy · 11/07/2021 02:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lilmishap · 11/07/2021 02:59

OP I would be explaining to him that SS are likely to be knocking on the door if he stays.
It's understandable that you're defensive, I've been in your shoes, you know everyone's going to be judging you for going back and then letting him back in which can make him seem like the lesser evil.

Nip it in the bud while you still have the inclination to do so.

You may go through this routine several times before you actually find the strength to be without him. But it will be worth it.

It is hard, but it's much better if you do it off your own back instead of waiting until you get told to do it by SS.

Lexiconoflove · 11/07/2021 05:09

^^
Today 02:37 Glowbuggy
….

Today 02:37 Glowbuggy

And no, I don’t fucking feel good, you absolute twat.

So you claim to be a legal aid lawyer and you have come on here to abuse a victim of DV for returning to her home, at a time when she obviously needs encouragement and support and is she having to make really difficult life choices. How does one word of what you have typed go any way to protect the children that you claim to care about so much.

Lexiconoflove · 11/07/2021 05:24

Glowbuggy I suggest you apologise to OP and log off til you have something useful to say. This thread isn’t about you.

OP sending you strength and solidarity. I have not been in your situation and can’t imagine how difficult it is to run yours and your children’s lives with an abuser around. I hope you can stop feeling sorry for him soon and find the strength to do what it takes to get him out. ✊🌻

hashbrownsandwich · 11/07/2021 05:40

Does he own the house?

Itsallok · 11/07/2021 06:10

Has there been any update to this thread?

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