More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

You never need to apologise to us Legs

I completely understand where you're coming from on the pain front. It's really pants being in pain every single day, ether that or spaced out on painkillers. Some days you just want to scream at the world that you just want to be normal! I have no advice, other than one minute, hour, day, week at a time.

As for your trip, go with whatever you are comfortable with. I think that your own room would give you the option of withdrawing if you want to, but if you don't use it then that's ok.

There is absolutely no reason why you can't please yourself. You have no one to answer to other than yourself (and your children to a certain extent), so why shouldn't you make a selfish decision? There is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all.

Darling @MoreLegsThanMe, you know that your RA is playing up because your histamine/inflammatory levels are sky high. You need a break. Tying yourself in knots over all these “what if’s” is really hurting you. Even if you don’t go away with your friend, perhaps you could consider some kind of retreat where you get some YOU time, like some massage or Pilates or gentle yoga (I know… I have skeleto-muscular deformities and a connective tissue disorder. Something that requires you to move (walking on the beach would be fabulous) and NOT think about them, or what other people may be thinking about you. I need to share a little secret. 99.99999% of the time, other people are thinking only of themselves and worrying about what other people are thinking about them. You probably barely factor into their headspace at all unless you happen to be affecting them in that very moment.

Don't explain Legs.

We have all been there, still are there at times, nuclear meltdowns are par for the course.

You have had so much on your plate, that pair of shits, the divorce, your new friend with all the mixed emotions that go with that and to top it off a very painful chronic condition to endure.

You deserve a break if you're up to it, get sinking those feet in the sand and get to know your lovely friend better. Go at whatever pace you feel comfortable with, he sounds an understanding type.

xx

Thank you. You’re all so right, as usual.

I think part of my problem is I have never been selfish. I’ve spent so long trying to make everyone else happy that I don’t know how to stop! It’s just how we’re made isn’t it, some people like me and others who can put themselves first (I envy them sometimes).

I’m going to be super organised and get DS’s uniform sorted for next year. Can’t really wrap my head round it that it’s the last year he’ll wear it. Sixth form wear more like business suits.

He’ll need new PE kit too, as well as about four pairs of PE shoes, as well as ‘proper’ school shoes. Remains to be seen if STBXH will make any contribution. I think he expects me to buy it all then ask him for half of it. I’m not going to him cap in hand for money he should hand over voluntarily.

DD3’s birthday at the end of the month. Blip time.

On the upside she’s meeting a guy she found on Tinder and I think that’s today so fingers crossed she finds a new friend if nothing else..

I hate when I can’t sleep properly. I have to sort this part out

x

@MoreLegsThanMe that was always my problem, but it’s got easier as I’ve got older!
If it helps, what would make all of us happy is for you to do something that will make yourself happy. Could you give it a try? It really isn’t selfish, you need to demonstrate to your DC that you value yourself, as it gives them permission to value themselves too. You do deserve to be happy you know.

@MoreLegsThanMe

Thank you. You’re all so right, as usual.

I think part of my problem is I have never been selfish. I’ve spent so long trying to make everyone else happy that I don’t know how to stop! It’s just how we’re made isn’t it, some people like me and others who can put themselves first (I envy them sometimes).

I’m going to be super organised and get DS’s uniform sorted for next year. Can’t really wrap my head round it that it’s the last year he’ll wear it. Sixth form wear more like business suits.

He’ll need new PE kit too, as well as about four pairs of PE shoes, as well as ‘proper’ school shoes. Remains to be seen if STBXH will make any contribution. I think he expects me to buy it all then ask him for half of it. I’m not going to him cap in hand for money he should hand over voluntarily.

DD3’s birthday at the end of the month. Blip time.

On the upside she’s meeting a guy she found on Tinder and I think that’s today so fingers crossed she finds a new friend if nothing else..

I hate when I can’t sleep properly. I have to sort this part out

x

Morning legs

It’s not going cap in hand, it’s requesting what is owed.

Get the uniform, send him copies of receipts with a simple ‘here is the uniform required for this year you owe me £x as your contribution’

Don’t be shy and do t beg.

I agree send him the receipts. He's not going to guess how much he needs to contribute.
Take care OP!

Yep! Don’t ask… Email - and cc FIL.

You aren't selfish now OP but you can learn to be. This is what I found most freeing about the end of my marriage, digging deep and finding out what it is that I really want. 'Selfish' is such a pejorative word. I think of it as being 'authentically me'.

I don't think asking for his share of the uniform costs is going cap in hand. It's unlikely that he would think of giving you the money, so a quick text saying the uniform cost x so your half is y is not unreasonable.

Hope your ok @MoreLegsThanMe

Thank you x

Sorry been quiet. Turns out D was not quite who I thought. I had three messages from him in a thirty-minute timespan. One said his mother had been taken into hospital for respite care, the next that his niece had been diagnosed with breast cancer, and the third that his son had been diagnosed with Covid. Then a fourth a few minutes later that started off by saying he wasn’t sure about this “dating lark” then just went on and on. About what I’m not sure because I deleted and blocked him. I just can’t deal with anyone else’s problems, dramas, lies, whatever. I feel awful he has BPD but I can’t help him can I. So I thought just get rid.

I promise to think about what you’ve all said about the uniform! It’s just that really, honestly, wouldn’t a decent man just ask or offer an amount? I’d even return what I didn’t use.

I’ve been keeping busy as a taxi service here and there, and in the garden too.

DD3’s date also came to nothing - they had little in common it seems. When she told him he asked what he’d done wrong. Poor boy!

She’s not bothered at all bless her. I’m not entirely sure she’s looking for a boyfriend anyway.

I’m just the same, no better, no worse.

Selfishly i think hey I’m the injured party here. Why the fuck can’t they/he be suffering. Probably going here there and everywhere in this weather. Something he never did with me or any of the DC….just doesn’t seem right or fair.

x

Aw legs sorry things didn’t work out with D but you had a fun time and got past the first hurdle for you so that is a positive as next time you won’t feel so nervous about saying yes.

Thing is with the uniform shop I’m guessing Stbxh has never done it, he’s still of the opinion the uniform fairy kits the kids out every year. So unless you’ve actually told him you need to go here’s no way it would occur to him that he needs to offer. I do get where you’re coming from, and I feel bad defending him on anything as he’s behaved appallingly but on this one I think you do just need to do it then send the receipts for his half. Or get in touch and tell him it needs doing and see what happens but billing him afterwards is the easiest way unless you need the money.

As we’re coming out of lockdown why don’t you arrange to meet up with some of your other friends that you mentioned way up thread?

Sounds like D might be having an episode. I think you’re right that you don’t have space for that. It’s sad, but it’s better to know the reality of life with someone with BPD now than when your heart is more heavily involved.
You keep hoping that STBXH will turn into a decent man. He never was one. Why would he become one now? I honestly think you had a fantasy, idealised version of him that you created so that you could live with him. I suspect that he didn’t try and burst your bubble because it suited his agenda, but he probably deeply resented it at the same time. It must be hard trying to live up to a fictitious standard that is nowhere near the reality - which was the cheating, lying, psychopathic bastard he hid (and you also chose not to see) for so long.

Sending hugs legs 😘

Hope you're ok Legs.

Op in your situation it sounds like D isn't right or good for you. Infact I don't think he'd be right in any situation. You need to surround yourself with people who love and cherish you, you don't need anyone who needs 'fixing' it's time for you to be selfish and cut anyone out if your life that doesn't add to it in a positive way.

Thank you x

Bang on about D as you always are. I think I probably sounded selfish but I just honestly can’t deal with, well, most things right now, least of all an illness I have no experience of and feel I don’t understand. It wasn’t nice because he genuinely seemed lovely in other ways.

@Justilou1 you’re right that STBXH wasn’t a good person and that he hid it so well. I feel such a fucking idiot for choosing to ignore him you wouldn’t believe. It’s because of that I feel that there’s no way I’ll ever trust anyone again. As far as he’s concerned I’d not believe him if he told me the time……

I barely “wanted” anything you know, just a husband who loved me and trusted me, and look how I’ve ended up. He no doubt is quite happy with his little partner in crime, whereas I, apart from my lovely DC, have nothing do it. If what we both had was written now, my list would be pathetically short….

A whiny post to start the day rather than to end it!

x

Your list

Incredible DC
Beautiful garden
Home
Live in a gorgeous part of the world
Dignity
Strength

His list
Blow up dick
No DC as they won’t talk to him
DF who doesn’t respect him any more
DP who has shown herself to be a screaming fishwife
‘Lovely home’ but we only have her word for that all we know is it is a flat with no garden or visiting family.

I know whose list I envy and which list I feel pity for.

Adding to @Billybagpuss's list:

Self respect (you may think you don't have any but see how far you are from where you were.

Respect as well as love from your children (counts for a HUGE amount).

Integrity (a no-brainer for you. Can anyone say the same for him?)

You are doing better than you think and will be stronger and do even better in your future. 🌹

He probably has ED because he couldn’t maintain his persona of the loving husband and good father. Lying and wearing that mask for so long is utterly exhausting. It’s more common than you think.

Adding to the list ..

• Intelligence (it shines through on your posts)

• Sense of humour

• Possibilities in front of you

• Nice slim fingers!;)

Sorry it didn't work out with D. Personally the phrase 'dating lark' would have, in itself, done it for me. Hope he gets the help he needs.

Your daughter sounds like she is a clear thinker. You've done well there. Oh another one to the list ..

• successful parent

By the way don't torture yourself with a montage of them running around the place together enjoying chicken sandwiches and bellinis in the sunshine etc. My guess is that neither of them could organise anything.

Hang in there Legs.

I’m going to add ‘legal brains to burn’ to your pro list.

I’m going to add ‘stuck with fishwife’s small visiting DC’ onto Blow Up Bob’s list

I'm shocked that you think what he has is better than what you have... Seriously? You would rather have a relationship that came out of an affair and is based on decit, than the love of your three children???????

To add to your list - peace of mind. It might not feel that way now but now he's not your problem, you aren't living with any nagging doubts or suspicions about what he could be up to.

Those two - can they really trust each other? Doubt it.