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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I know it's late but please help if you can

107 replies

LucyCielo · 18/11/2007 00:34

Tonight went out with df (getting married next month). I mentioned something that he thought was a dig at his family and he then pushed me off my chair in the middle of quite a posh bar. Everyone seen this and some kind random man had to help me up. He has since apologised but I am still not sure whether this is something I should put up with. Any advice?

OP posts:

Carmenere · 18/11/2007 00:40

Was he drunk? Has he ever hit you or pushed you before? How long have you known him?

ClassAct · 18/11/2007 00:40

So..how did you react??

expatinscotland · 18/11/2007 00:43

That's a bit whacked even if he was drunk, tbh.

I mean, he didn't ask you what you meant first?

Original poster

LucyCielo · 18/11/2007 00:45

We had a few drinks but we were not drunk. We have known each other for 6 years and been together for 4. He does get frustrated with me and I know I can be a pain. The last time we argued was at his friends wedding in August when he hit me across the head infront of his friends which was pretty embarrassing. He is normally very calm and is a brill dad so I am very confused.

OP posts:

Carmenere · 18/11/2007 00:49

Well I wouldn't marry a man that raised a hand to me. And if you do without addressing this issue you will probably regret it.
In my universe there just is no time when my dp would hit me more than once due to the fact that I have legs and I would be out of there immediately.
And being a 'pain' isn't an excuse

S1ur · 18/11/2007 00:51

hiting you across head sets off some alarm bells imo, just don't think it would occur to a lot of people, have you disucssed how out of order assaulting you is (even 'minor' assault?)

ClassAct · 18/11/2007 00:51

Well, IMO, it's your choice. He gives himself permission to hit you if he wishes to, and you, it seems, blame yourself for his violence and humiliation of you.

Don't be afeared of delaying yoyr marriage if you have doubts. MUCH better to make a brave decision now, than make a whole string of decisions you regret later.

Also, I am unsure how a man is a good father if he is willing to hit the childs mum. And when does it do it in front of your dc??

Mummy2TandF · 18/11/2007 00:52

I don't know your whole situation but I am afraid that I would be thinking twice about marrying him ... you can't be treated like that - especially not in public, sorry that you find yourself asking this question but I think you already know the answer

S1ur · 18/11/2007 00:52

I mean it wouldn't occur to most dps, my dp and all other dps i know just wouldn't even think to strike out,

Carmenere · 18/11/2007 00:55

No I agree with slur, it is really not even vaguely acceptable for a partner to strike you and most decent men would never even think it.

Original poster

LucyCielo · 18/11/2007 00:57

He has never actually hit me but does get fits of temper now and again which is usually when I have provoked him. For example tonight he said that his parents and sister had opened an account for our daughter. He then said he didn't know why I was asking for money for her as she is only 10 months old. I explained that she would need it for uni and if not, for a house deposit when she is older. He then became angry when I mentioned my family had been saving for her since birth. This wasn't meant as a sleight on his family but it obv came accross as this.

OP posts:

Mummy2TandF · 18/11/2007 00:58

Although I hate to say it about my dh but he could be verbal at times but in 11 years he never hit out, pushed, shoved or anything like it and it would never have entered his head, I don't think behaviour like that is acceptable and shows lack of respect for you

Buda · 18/11/2007 01:00

Actually he has hit you. Hitting you aroudn the head is hitting you. Pushing you off a bar stool is hitting you.

Original poster

LucyCielo · 18/11/2007 01:00

In 'hit' I mean he has never punched me or anything, just lashed out or pushed. I admit at times I have tried to hit back (or bite). I am ashamed of this but it was before I was pregnant with dd.

OP posts:

ClassAct · 18/11/2007 01:03

Off to bed, but he sounds like a fearful, insecure man, easily given to jealousy and this episode over money for your little one should ahve been met with gratitude and appreciation. Not violence.

Good luck.

Original poster

LucyCielo · 18/11/2007 01:03

By the way, thank you for responses. I just feel I need some impartial advice

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Carmenere · 18/11/2007 01:03

Oh FFS you can't provoke a decent man into striking you and you just said he hit you accross the head in front of your friends.
Even if you made stupid remarks about his family that in no way allows him to be rough with you.

Make a decision now - either say nothing and go ahead and marry him and continue to blame yourself as he gets more and more gradually physically violent with you until you have no self esteem left.

Or deal with it now. Talk to him about it. tell him that you don't want to marry a man who could hit you and that he needs to get some councelling befor it gets serious.

Original poster

LucyCielo · 18/11/2007 01:12

I would normally be hardline about any kind of violence and carmenere your words make me v uncomfortable. Am I really being so stupid/foolish? That is what I am struggling with. Normally he is a lovely, calm, funny and supportive man. I know he loves me and I know he loves DD. I realise the voice of a victim says 'it's my fault' etc. but I know I can be a pain in the arse and maybe have unrealstic expectations of how other people should be. I can be less than positive about how others behave.

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gigglewitch · 18/11/2007 01:13

just read the whole thread. At the risk of sounding harsh, why do you keep blaming yourself for his behaviour? A decent man should not be "provoked" by anything that his partner does or says, definitely not over a pure misunderstanding. Try to stand back and see the situation from an observer's point of view?
You will spend all of your life trying to please him and make sure you don't 'annoy' him - better to consider now whether you really want to continue with this situation.
wishing you lots of luck.

Buda · 18/11/2007 01:18

We can all be "a pain in the arse". Doesn't give him the right to hit you.

FWIW I was with a fab guy for years. Then we had ONE instance of him grabbing me by th throat. His best friend was there and decked him. We split then and there but got back together about a year later for 18 months and in those 18 months I was terrified every time we had a row. So I finished with him and never really regretted it,

Am now with DH and I must admit that we have HUGE issues. I have stomped and screamed and thrown things at him. But he has never ever even once retaliated. I trust him implicitly - that is what you deserve.

Original poster

LucyCielo · 18/11/2007 01:25

I have tried to make him accountable for his own behaviour and said it is his responsibilty to control his temper. He said that nobody can wind him up like I do and he is trying. When we got together we were both in other relationships. He is 41 and I am 28 so he has had more relationship stuff than me, although we have both been married before. I do really love him and have noticed that the violence only happens after a few drinks (on both sides although we don't need to be drunk). He is in no way an alcoholic but would not give up drink totally.

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jamila169 · 18/11/2007 01:31

I second that Buda - My DH and I can get very loud and I know I piss him off on occasion as much as he does me- but despite us both having very quick tempers, we'd never lay a hand on each other (saying both of us as we're pretty evenly matched IYKWIM) We trust each other, pure and simple. Lucy if i were you i'd cut and paste your posts and read them as though it was someone else -you're not even married and you're apologising for his appalling behaviour and blaming yourself

Original poster

LucyCielo · 18/11/2007 01:36

I can totally relate to your messages but when I think about my own situation I feel it is my fault. If I wasn't going on about a load of rubbish he wouldn't be angry at me. Like I have said it only happens now and again but I feel I am falling into another marriage that won't work.

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gigglewitch · 18/11/2007 01:47

just sounds like you are feeling pretty negative about yourself. Stop beating yourself up and look at it with at least 50/50 responsibility - as in NOT that you 'piss him off' and make (?) him hit or push you.
It is NEVER ok for someone to hit you. if it were one of your female friends who hit or pushed you would she still be your best mate?

Original poster

LucyCielo · 18/11/2007 01:58

No I would not think it was ok for a friend to treat me in the same way. I just feel that I have a lovely man and dad who has a slight failing in terms of his temper. Plenty of people enrage me on a regular basis and I resist from pushing them from their chairs. You are all right that I should expect the same courtesy from my man.

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