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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know it's late but please help if you can

107 replies

LucyCielo · 18/11/2007 00:34

Tonight went out with df (getting married next month). I mentioned something that he thought was a dig at his family and he then pushed me off my chair in the middle of quite a posh bar. Everyone seen this and some kind random man had to help me up. He has since apologised but I am still not sure whether this is something I should put up with. Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyCielo · 25/11/2007 00:39

Just an update. He has apologised properly and seems very contrite. I have taken notice of all posts but am going to give him another chance. I may regret it but hope everything will work out. This is a last chance.

OP posts:
OverRated · 25/11/2007 00:41

Best of luck, Lucy

QuintessentialShadowOfSnowball · 25/11/2007 00:43

You have very little time before your wedding. What will you do if he behave himself just until after the wedding?

This is probably the most important decision in your life that you are taking on behalf of your child. I sincerely hope it is the right one.

But whatever you do, you know where to come for advice and support. And if you ever DO need to escape to a refuge, you can always post and there will be people who will quick come up with the phone number.

Good Luck.

slim22 · 25/11/2007 00:47

Lucy, please do not accept anymore abuse be it only verbal.
He's got to break the habit completely and consistently and what I see is a pattern of bullying even if it seems mild to you.
You need to be completely lucid about the fact that you are going to be trapped in a marriage next time round. And it will be much more traumatic trying to get out.
It's a very sllippery sllope and you have just given him a freepass.
Why get married now if you don't mind my asking? You already have a child, you are together anyway.

Original poster
LucyCielo · 25/11/2007 00:50

Thank you. I am hoping my instinct about my df is right. One more incident and I will not be around to support him. Since I wrote I have been to the docs and been put on anti-d's, I need to sort myself out before him

OP posts:
amytheearwaxbanisher · 25/11/2007 00:55

you seem to be saying he is seldom bad tempered and violent[and pushing you off a chair?hitting you in the head}is violent and when he does it it is your fault!!!you dont need to put up with this!!!he really needs to agree to anger managment for a start and you need too get some self asteem at least enough to stop blaming yoursef for his actions

Original poster
LucyCielo · 25/11/2007 00:58

I am hoping that I am wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyCielo · 25/11/2007 01:01

I don't want to be guided

OP posts:
slim22 · 25/11/2007 01:04

Lucy, FGS!
I do wish you a happily ever after but starting AD's 1 month before your wedding because you are not sure about being totally happy with accepting to be in an abusive relationship is not a good sign!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Can't you postpone? send him a real message about how you feel? are you afraid of his reaction?

Freckle · 25/11/2007 08:20

Why don't you at least postpone the wedding? Tell him that you are prepared to give him a chance and that you are pushing the wedding back 3 or 4 months so that you can see that he has genuinely changed.

Taking ads because of the way he has made you feel is a clear indication that you are, deep down, unhappy with this relationship and this is not the way to start a marriage. I do think you owe it to your child to ensure that you are completely happy with your partner before embarking on a life-time commitment. You obviously are not happy with his behaviour and seem unsure about your own acceptance of it, which will make for a very weak marriage and,if you give him a sign that you are prepared to put up with his violence, it will escalate.

slim22 · 25/11/2007 09:18

Lucy, so sorry you are not replying, you must be really upset.
Can you confide in someone in RL?
You don't want to be guided fair enough but you need love and support. Please don't let this isolate you from your loved ones.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/11/2007 09:53

You received anti depressants from the GP?. Lucy this is not a solution for you, this is like putting a bandage on a festering sore. You need primarily to think of your own self and your daughter, you are putting him before her and your own self by saying that you need to sort your own self out before him.

I think you have been conditioned by him into accepting this poor treatment of you, no wonder you blame your own self by stating that you don't want guiding and saying you need to sort your own self out before him.

I would think your own friends and family are frightened for you, open up to them. They will help you but you need to make that first and hardest step.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/11/2007 10:05

What would you say to a friend in this situation?.

Being on anti d's due to him is not a good sign a month before the wedding. There may have been a lot of money on this already spent and you've sorted out the caterers but its only money after all and it comes a dim and distance second to your emotional welldeing and happiness, not least of all your daughter's as well. That's just one day, it what happens after that you need to think of.

I guess you are stil going to go ahead with the wedding as planned as you are also afraid of his reaction to any postponement.

You certainly do not want to be standing at the aisle making vows whilst all the time thinking, "I am taking a huge gamble here". I know of someone who did that - her marriage remained violent. She hoped against hope - do not make the same mistake.

onebatmother · 25/11/2007 10:22

Lucy, I'm so sorry that you're having such a dreadful time.

But I must reiterate what I think EVERY SINGLE POST has said.

You must, at the very LEAST, postpone the wedding.

This is not a man who has your best interests at heart.

If he does not have your best interests at heart, he does not have your daughter's best interests at heart.

ADs are not the solution, because YOU are not the problem.

Thinking of you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/11/2007 10:25

Lucy - you previously wrote the following:-

"I can totally relate to your messages but when I think about my own situation I feel it is my fault. If I wasn't going on about a load of rubbish he wouldn't be angry at me. Like I have said it only happens now and again but I feel I am falling into another marriage that won't work".

It is not your fault that he is violent, don't take the blame for his behaviour towards you. Please don't make excuses for him (this post of yours is full of excuses and self blame); this all enables him to continue.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/11/2007 10:28

You won't lose your daughter either if you tell someone. Perhaps that fear also hangs over your head.

hickorydickory · 25/11/2007 10:53

Agree with pp that antidepressants are not the answer here. You need to ask yourself why you would need these a month before getting married! Your df is the problem here, not you.
Really can't blame you for staying though, thousands of women do as they are so manipulated and blame themselves, though they do leave in the end - when they realise the man isn't going to change. Unfortunately this is not until they have been attacked an average of 35 times by their partner. Really hope this does not happen to you.

QuintessentialShadowOfSnowball · 25/11/2007 10:53

LUCY! See some sense, woman!
You dont need ADs. The cause to your depression is most likely your relationship. Dont take ADs just so you will tolerate his abuse, LEAVE him.

You dont need ADs they are NOT going to make your abusive partner stop abusing you! They will make you care less that he treats you like utter SHIT. That is not the way to go.

I am so sad that you value yourself and your own dd so little that you are willing to continue to be a doormat and a nothing, AND put yourself in a position where you become emotionally "immune" to his abuse.

Did you tell your GP about your fiances behaviour towards you?

hickorydickory · 25/11/2007 11:01

Also, all wifebeaters apologise to start with and are very contrite as you say. Once they realise you're not going anywhere despite their violence they very quickly lose the need to apologise. Hope a family member intervenes on your behalf - you are putting you and your dd in danger, unless of course you are going to put her in a place of safety if you are going to live with this maniac?

Sorry to sound so harsh, I really don't mean it, but I wish someone or something could just get through to you. At least acquaint yourself with the details of your local woman's aid. Keep a separate bank account so you have money to get away.Good luck

Monkeytrousers · 25/11/2007 11:11

I think you need to go for couple counsel;ling - relate or somewhere else.

YOu say you wond him up - why? He reacts when you wind him up. Hitting isn't acceptable, but I wonder if you have an unhealthy dynamic between you - and that needs to be sorted out if before you get married and if you want to bring your kinds up in a house where respect for each othert is a given.

Monkeytrousers · 25/11/2007 11:15

JUst reading back the posts, I think it's easy for people to tell you to leave, but it is difficult when you love someone and have children with them.

I think you should postpone the wedding, both go to counselling, and then reassess the situation on the basis of what you wond out about each other.

But you have to be prepared to leave if that is the best thing - you both have to put your kids first, and you cannot excpose them to an abusive relationship if you do have their best interets at heart.

QuintessentialShadowOfSnowball · 25/11/2007 11:22

Monkeytrousers speak sense.

If you tell him you want to postpone the wedding because of his behaviour, then for sure he knows you mean business and that you marrying him is conditional to his acceptig he has to change and actually changing.

Freckle · 25/11/2007 11:41

You absolutely know that this relationship is unhealthy and dangerous otherwise you wouldn't have posted here seeking others' opinions.

The general consensus is overwhelmingly that you should, at the very least, postpone the wedding and seek further help or, at best, leave this abusive and violent man permanently. Yet you still say you are going to go through with the wedding. Why???

Elizabetth · 25/11/2007 13:05

Don't do it Lucy. Don't swallow your feelings about the way this guy is treating you along with the anti depressants.

You don't deserve this treatment, nobody does. The problem is that however much you want it to happen, he's not going to change. That may be one of the hardest things to accept in an abusive relationship. It's easier to blame yourself and think that if only you change things about you then he won't do it but it's not true.

What if he hits you at your wedding? He seems to like attacking you in public. How would you feel about that? Of course he'd have some excuse about how you'd said something to provoke him. Who the hell does he think he is blaming you for his violent behaviour?

Does he remind you of someone in your past who treated you like this and blamed you for their abuse? That's often the reason why people remain attached to partners who mistreat them.

mellymooks · 25/11/2007 13:14

Lucy,I implore you don't do this. I did and it took me years to get out, when i did I realised how much of my life I had wasted and how demoralised he had made me, please please please do not marry this man once he has a ring on your finger he will think he can do whatever he wants to you, it will be as if you are giving him permission to treat you like utter crap.
You don't deserve this and ad's are so not the answer.
please reconsider, at least put the wedding back and give ourself sometime for your daughters sake as well as your own.