Tell me your horror stories about so called "friends"

[leftout1]

I seem to have real bad luck when it comes to female friends. I had 3 close friends of 20+ years, who didn't so much as phone me when my first marriage broke down. I lived a long way from them at this point, so didn't expect a visit, but to not even phone me really shocked me, and I have found it hard to feel as close to them ever since. The same 3 ladies all knew that my H was cheating on me, and no one told me.

When I moved areas, I made friends with 3 new ladies, mainly through school.

One of them turned out to be a raging alcoholic, and I ended up having to rescue her from so many precarious situations, often caring for her child.

One of them had an affair with my husband, whilst still being friendly with me . He is now obviously an ExH.

One of them attacked me on a night out, because a man she fancied chatted me up, and not her.

I left all those friendships behind when I moved to another area. In new area, I have made some friends. One of them can be a bit moody, and one day a few months ago she was quite rude to me and we haven't spoken since. Then, I see from FB that they've all been out last night and left me out. Also, they will have known I will see the photo's, so that's a bit shit, isn't it?

I'm starting to think that female friendships are a bit shit!

Anyone else got any similar stories, to make me feel that I'm not the only one?

billy1966 sounds like you're teaching them something really important that will save them a hell of a lot of pain as well as wasted time and energy. I went to church as a child and although it did have some positive influence, the message drummed into you was mostly about forgiving and being kind to others. I wish they had taught also that you need to protect yourself against abusers, but as I wasn't taught in this way I thought it would be un-Christian. I think constant messages about self sacrifice and forgiveness to a kid who is already too forgiving is not healthy. I mean, there are lesson to be learnt in the bible such as not casting your pearls before swine and not lying down with dogs etc, but the message drummed into us was always one of putting others first. I'm not so much religious now, but I think it would have helped me then if my religious education also emphasised self preservation. The more places where kids are taught healthy boundaries the better.

This post could not have come at a better time for me as I’m struggling with crappy friends right now and have made the recent decision to ‘consciously uncouple’ from them (yes I really did quote Gwynnie there!!

Friend 1
I’ve put up with so much shit from the one over the last 5/6 years, even when I’ve called her out on it she’s continued! Like laughing in my face and continued to make jokes after my beloved pet died, I told her it hurt me but she carried on til the ‘joke’ wore off.
Same friend told me I wasn’t sexual enough for me ex and that’s why he dumped me. Previous ex to that who was emotionally abusive and extremely unpleasant to me, she told me I wasn’t accommodating enough to his needs and that’s why he also dumped me!! There’s many many more things she’s done, that’s just a few examples.

Friend 2
Very VERY flakey! Known her over 10 years and always been the same, I’ve been left waiting outside a cinema (50 mile round trip) after we arranged the time and film to watch, she eventually replies to call saying she had to collect the kids at 4 so can’t possibly do the cinema today!!
Another time we arranged to meet, she (as always) goes quiet the day before so I text asking are we still on...she’s too busy painting the house!! Each time I think I won’t make the effort again but never learn! Was meant to meet last week, I do relief work so pick shifts the day or so before, I kept myself free turning down good work... yup she went quiet on the day and I’ve not heard from her since. I’m done this time!

Friend 3
Been friends since early teens. My mum died in my late teens, she chose to go to a college drunken night away instead of the funeral. Then the months after I wasn’t going out much, she wrote me a letter saying I was a crap friend and I was neglecting her! Me being me phoned her straight away apologising and then spent the next few years pandering after her needs!
A couple of years ago I was signed off with with terrible anxiety, I told her and asked to meet up saying I’d go to hers for a coffee to make it easy (she lived an hour away) she responded she was fully booked up for 8 weeks!

Friend 4 (who I did cut out of my life following this)
She spent over a year trying to fix me up with one of her friends, she had a separate group of friends that were all quite gothy/rocky which wasn’t my style. She went on and on about this guy (this was early naughties so pre social media), I had no interest as thought he wouldn’t be my type. One night out she invited him, he WAS my type and we immediately hit it off. She acted very off with me all night which I couldn’t understand, then slammed a door in my back when I was kissing his goodbye! Long story short, she’d was after him and used me to try and get him! She had mouthed me terrible to him and about him to me! Backfired as we were got together and stayed a couple for a while!

I could go on but you get the drift. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, mainly as I’ve made some major life changes over the past 6 months and I’m in such a good place mentally and physically. I’ve come to realise that in order to keep my happiness I need to move forward and not allow these toxic people in my life anymore.

It’s funny how we’ll soon dump a man for being a dick but put up with it from friends!

@Novelusername

billy1966 sounds like you're teaching them something really important that will save them a hell of a lot of pain as well as wasted time and energy. I went to church as a child and although it did have some positive influence, the message drummed into you was mostly about forgiving and being kind to others. I wish they had taught also that you need to protect yourself against abusers, but as I wasn't taught in this way I thought it would be un-Christian. I think constant messages about self sacrifice and forgiveness to a kid who is already too forgiving is not healthy. I mean, there are lesson to be learnt in the bible such as not casting your pearls before swine and not lying down with dogs etc, but the message drummed into us was always one of putting others first. I'm not so much religious now, but I think it would have helped me then if my religious education also emphasised self preservation. The more places where kids are taught healthy boundaries the better.

Again, I agree with you completely.

A subliminal message to constantly turn the other cheek, is very damaging to anyone.

Love yourself FIRST is my message...then love others.

@BinocularVision

I agree with *@UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea and @billy1966*, and I grew up with two parents with absolutely no boundaries and a long history of being exploited by 'friends' and family.

I actually think that when you grow up watching a parent bustle around people-pleasing in 'friendships' in which they continually allow themselves to be exploited even when they have neither respect nor liking for the other people, but are unable to say no, it is

(a) a very good lesson in how not to do friendships (my sisters and I got walked all over in our teens when we still worked on our mother's model of relationships, but have strong and egalitarian friendships and excellent boundaries as adults) and

(b) also a very good lesson in how complicit the people-pleasers themselves are in long-running exploitative situations.

Nobody can blame you for a friend suddenly behaving badly towards you out of the blue. That's bad luck, and not your fault. But if they keep doing it and you're still there taking it, or if there's a pattern of unrelated friends from different parts and eras of your life exploiting you and behaving badly towards you, then you have to take some responsibility for the situation.

It's not just 'having bad luck with friends', or 'women always being nasty' or 'I'm too good natured'. It's something you are doing and/or allowing to be done to you, and you're the only one that can change it. The good news is that you can definitely change it.

Great post. Of course no one can legislate for a good friend for many years suddenly going rogue.

When that happens, of course you have reflection, compassion, but ultimately IMO self preservation.

But those that repeatedly treat you badly and use you....you need to look hard at ehat you want from your life.

Without a doubt, maturing massively in my 30's was a turning point for me.

Whilst I never accepted a fraction of the bullshit described here I definitely accepted treatment that was inconsiderate at times.

But my mid 30's onwards I definitely moved on happily and ruthlessly from a few surprised people in my life.

I never regretted it, I know they did.

Knowing your value is a life skill as the poster suggests should be taught in schools.

I had a really close friend in my early 20s she was a single mum in her 30s with 2 little boys. We lived close to each other, would see each other all the time. DH and I doted on her boys.

She got back together with the boys father (big mistake he had a history of being abusive, but I said my piece and we moved past it). She started asking us to take the boys more often which was fine. But then she was asking us to do things like back to school haircuts at a specific barbers, could we take them for a few hours so she could have a bath in peace etc. She was constantly complaining about her bf to the point where it was a call every day just to rant. On Mother’s Day she called and I ignored it as I was spending time with my mum and I needed a break. I called her back the next day with no reply. After a week of no responses I popped to her house. The place was empty with a To let sign up. I didn’t see her again for 6 years. I missed her and the boys so much, I was devastated. For years I thought it was my fault for not picking up when she called.

I bumped into her on the street and I was so relieved she was safe. She gave me her mum’s number so I could get in touch. Her son answered and my heart broke with how much I’d missed him. I gave her my number and that was the last I heard of her.

A few years ago she friend requested me on Facebook. I didn’t respond, I couldn’t do it again.

Just came across this thread , thought I'd pour out my story and see what opinions are
2019 .. my friend went through a rough time
Separated - accused of something awful at work - suspended for a period of time - took 5 months to resolve - gallbladder out in emergency
I called her almost daily , visited weekly , took her out for pub lunch , always paid , always there to listen while she vented cried whatever
All kind of settled down and she sent me a letter saying how grateful she was for support and just being there anytime day or night
Fast forward - 2020 this is now me
Cat 1 becomes poorly - dies beginning of lockdown
Find out my daughter is having second baby with waste of space bf
Health scare - B/P through the roof
Cat 2 gets run over and also dies
I'm distraught
She knows all of this and I don't hear from her for about 6 weeks .. she messages " how you coping with lockdown?" My reply
I'm not coping with anything
Silence ... I'm so so angry hurt and disappointed
I told her so - had a grovelling apology 3 months later saying I'm always the strong one , I've not shared difficult times before etc and she hadn't realised I might need her
So I've left it ... cut contact and ignored messages and calls
Am I being too sensitive or am I right to feel I didn't get the same support and friendship back that I gave her when I needed it.
Please be kind

OP,
So sorry that you have had to bear such a tough time.

I'm about actions, not words.

She knew how tough things were and did nothing, I dont believe for a second a real friend does that.

She now has tried to use words to explain that you are strong and she doesn't expect you to need support...bullshit, and how convenient.

I think she has shown you who she is, believe her and mind yourself.

I definitely would not being doing all you did for a casual friend.

She took enormous support yet felt nothing in return but words...

If I was you I would reflect on the details of your friendship and learn from this experience.

@cookiecreampie

Best friend of 20 years, whenever I was pregnant or had a newborn would just stop talking to me and phase me out, getting back in touch months later. She told me she couldn't get time off to come to my wedding even though she had 2 years notice. She has stopped talking to other friends too after they've had marriage or kids, too. Obviously a sore spot for her but not nice to be treated like that by someone who you thought was your friend.

Ever asked her how she's doing?

@leftout1 'she sounds crazy'? Maybe she's struggling with fertility issues!

I can see why you have issues with friendships from just two of your posts.

jannyapple You absolutely did deserve the same kind of support back that you'd given her, but at the same time she did send an apology and an explanation - even if it's a bit of a lame one. It's really up to you if you think the friendship is worth salvaging or not, if she is prepared to make amends now. I can understand why you are so disappointed. I've often been the fun friend who makes people laugh, and then similar to you, when I've needed support I haven't been given it, or had my problems made light of and the subject changed. It feels like these supposed friends have expected me to entertain them, but when I've shown any depth and a need for support myself they didn't want to know. It's like the dynamic changed and they couldn't deal with that, I wonder if that rings any bells for you?

This thread is unbelievably depressing! I’m glad none of my friends are like this.

@OverTheRubicon

Have you ever had counselling to look into why you are choosing these types of friends / they are choosing you?

No judgement from me, I have lovely friends but horrendous taste in men - but counselling has helped me understand why what seemed like shocking luck was actually down to some patterns I kept repeating, it's been very helpful for me, and really empowering to know that my life can be better.

Not sure it's helpful to be blaming

@Novelusername yes it does
I'm done being the funny one - the reliable one - the go to one
Would just like someone to listen to me for a change or say " how are you really ? It's been a shit year hasn't it ?"
Never happens - but I'm fine now I've accepted and just cut the contact
I'm not a very forgiving person- one strike and I'm done now

jannyapple Fair enough, you're probably better off trying to establish new friendships with your boundaries firmly in place from the get go, rather than trying to squeeze blood from a stone with the old friends who have taken you for granted. I hope things are going better for you now.

@Kdubs1981 it's not blaming to point out patterns. Almost all men I have liked have turned out to be abusive, in ways that are very much like my dad. I could say - and sometimes did feel in the past - that actually maybe all men are a bit shit in relationships. My friends who told me that all men were pigs weren't helping me, actually, because not all men treat women that way. Nor was I a uniquely terrible partner. However I was subconsciously seeking out certain types of partner and sending signals to others, and if you don't recognise those patterns you can't break them. That's why things like the Freedom Programme are so powerful.

Similar with OP. In no sense is she causing this behaviour. However when she's had two batches of 3 X friends go really horribly wrong, and now another is turning bad - well that's 7 friends, and it's unlikely to be a coincidence, given that very few of us have even one or two friendships this bad. Far more likely that something in her background has made her vulnerable to abusive relationships. If pointing this out is 'blaming' then everyone on this board who suggests that an OP is being abused and suggests the freedom Programme is blaming too...

@Nietzschethehiker

I was weirdly grateful to a friend for being so overtly self involved it gave me a clear reason to end the friendship. It had rumbled along with low level selfishness for a long time. However when I told her my ten year marriage was ending (two DC one less than a year old) she asked me if it was because we were so jealous of her new house renovation that we realised our marriage wasn't worth it.

I was totally gobsmacked and instantly withdrew. Her final kick was sending me a message that I was selfish for not doing more for her wedding whilst I was separating. I blocked her on everything and nothing would make me go back. She did me a favour reminding me no little crumbs of niceness are enough when someone is so breathtakingly awful.

My jaw literally dropped open. This is astonishing. Well done on cutting her out!

@Journeylikenomother

I was very close to a cousin growing up, thought we were the best of pals. It was only when I came to me getting married that the truth of our friendship came out - it was all based on me supporting her but I had never see it! She gets her kicks from the pathetic "poor Jane", butter wouldn't melt persona. She was the bridesmaid from hell! She held a massive grudge that she wasn't maid of honour (believing that as my cousin she should have "control"), accused my other bridesmaids of stealing money, and created all sorts of lies about me that has left to a rift in the family. Thankfully, 5 years later, some family members have seen the light and have apologised to me for believing what she said back then and not intervening. As you'd expect I've kept my distance from her, I'm polite but don't engage.

My baby was stillborn earlier this year and the cousin has appointed herself as mourner in chief. Despite living only about 20 minutes away I haven't seen her in about 3 years (by choice). She has never once asked me how I am or about my beautiful baby. She dropped a bottle of wine and a bag of crisps with a card to my gate (the wine was called "The little Rascal", she thought it was "cute"). Someone told me she had taken personal days from work as SHE was so upset. Yesterday I bumped into an old family friend (who would have been none the wiser about our rift) and apparently the cousin had told her how I was coping and the lady then said "aren't you so lucky to have her as support"!! I find it so creepy she's using my baby to feed her own need for attention.

Really sorry for your loss

And she sounds awful, how creepy and stressful and frustrating to have someone like that try to police your bereavement.

My two friends of 12 years ghosted me after I became mentally ill. They said I was 'too much'.

@MargotandJerrywerehot

My two friends of 12 years ghosted me after I became mentally ill. They said I was 'too much'.

I'm sorry to hear that but I do LOVE your username

@Donitta

This thread is making me frightened for my dd who is autistic and doesn't read people well though you wouldn't know she was from meeting her once. She is so vulnerable to this kind of nasty covert behaviour. This is why I struggle to make friends. I often can’t tell if people genuinely like me or are taking the piss. The piss-takers target me because I obviously have a disability. And sometimes I know they’re taking the piss but I put up with it because I have nobody else.

It is awful that you have got to where you are, I'm so sorry to hear of your horrid experience. Life is so so unfair often, you don't ask to have a disability and to find yourself treated badly because it's it is crap. I know that good friends are out there because I am one (in that I would never knowingly behave cruelly or thoughtlessly, I'm appreciative and mutually supportive) and I am lucky enough to have 3 good friends. So, I intend to encourage DD, if (when 😔) she has tough times, to keep faith that there are people who offer healthy friendship... So I would encourage anyone to keep searching. I don't say that lightly, the friends I have now weren't always in my life and I've experienced my fair share of unnecessary unkindness and bullying. So I really appreciate what I have now. The people who baffle me are the ones who go out of their way to be nasty, I don't expect to be everyone's cup of tea buy if you don't want to know just get on with your life, no need to stick the knife in for his measure! People come in such huge variety, some are totally brilliant and others are just ghastly - the range is huge! I, like a pp, am trying to protect my dd as best as I can by showing her good relationships and discussing boundaries and mutual respect etc (not necessarily in those words, as it arises I take the opportunity to highlight what she needs to know). I hope it will help her but ultimately she may also find herself in the position of feeling like a bad relationship is better than no relationship. I salute anyone who is lonely and could offer good friendship but doesn't have someone to share that with. I hope you find a way to live with peace one way or another.

@MargotandJerrywerehot sorry pressed send too soon. Your username says you would be my kind of friend and anyone who says you are 'too much' doesn't deserve you.

I have so many of these. I don't have any friends that I can rely on.

I do wonder if it's me - if I seem to attract people who slag me off behind my back, or who get passive aggressive when I don't do what they want, or just aren't interested in me/my life, but are happy to take support/favours from me.

School mums have been so cliquey & some of the worst examples - it's really disappointing. I guess I'm better off without them.

@Novelusername

billy1966 sounds like you're teaching them something really important that will save them a hell of a lot of pain as well as wasted time and energy. I went to church as a child and although it did have some positive influence, the message drummed into you was mostly about forgiving and being kind to others. I wish they had taught also that you need to protect yourself against abusers, but as I wasn't taught in this way I thought it would be un-Christian. I think constant messages about self sacrifice and forgiveness to a kid who is already too forgiving is not healthy. I mean, there are lesson to be learnt in the bible such as not casting your pearls before swine and not lying down with dogs etc, but the message drummed into us was always one of putting others first. I'm not so much religious now, but I think it would have helped me then if my religious education also emphasised self preservation. The more places where kids are taught healthy boundaries the better.

Well said, I couldn't agree more. My DM drummed into me that everyone is worthwhile, deserving of respect and all that you said... It took a long time to accept that this was only half the story and the other half I had to learn the hard way. And that actually forgiveness is best after an apology.

A friend at secondary school one day wouldn’t speak to me again and turned a whole group of friends against me by making up stuff about me that still to this day I don’t know what it was because the other ‘friends’ wouldn’t tell me

The exact same thing happened to me. Exact. Scarred me for many years.

@theceilingnerfgunblackdot

I had four close friends growing up - let's call them Lucy, Claire, Flora and Vicky.

Lucy and Vicky fell out because Lucy asked Vicky if she could repay her the money she owed her. Lucy didn't have much money, but had lent to Vicky as a favour, but Vicky never repaid her despite paying for regular nights out/meals/holidays for her and new boyfriend and his friends. Lucy was hurt as Vicky had essentially ditched her for her new boyfriend and his friends, doing things like not turning up to her birthday party without warning to go out with his friends instead, etc, and so asked when she might expect repayment as she was broke and worried that she wasn't going to see it again (as Claire seemed to be distancing herself).
Anyway, Claire went ballistic and her boyfriend and his friends all acted like Lucy was pure evil for asking. Huge fallout which Lucy is still confused and bemused by.

I went to Vicky's birthday party a while later and she brought up Lucy in conversation in a sort of sad, nostalgic way, so (thinking it would cheer her up) I told her not to worry, that Lucy missed her too and would definitely want to sort this fallout out/put it behind them.

Claire's boyfriend and his friend overheard, went absolutely mad at me, Claire burst into tears and ran off when I tried to defend myself, they told me to leave, so I did. That was the end of mine and Claire's many-years-long friendship. So bizarre. Neither Lucy or I have spoken to her since.

Vicky, a very close friend of mine (but not close to the other girls, especially Claire, who she didn't really like ) suddenly ghosted me one day - I didn't notice until Lucy asked if I knew why Vicky had blocked her on social media and I noticed she'd blocked me too! She, too, never spoke to me again. Next thing I hear is that Vicky was a bridesmaid at Claire's wedding and they're now very good friends. To this day, I have no clue how a) they even started speaking or b) what Claire could have told her to make her suddenly stop disliking her to the extent that she suddenly decided she didn't like us anymore because we'd annoyed her 😂

The last friend, Flora, also wasn't friends with the others but knew them to say hi/chat to (small town). Again, Flora didn't really like Claire.

After all the previous drama, I'd moved abroad where I'd met my now husband and had my first baby. I was a bit shocked to hear from a mutual friend that Flora had become friends with Claire and her friends, and had been updating them on my life and showing them photos of my new baby etc, but didn't say anything to her or let on I knew. Felt a bit weird but also not like a big deal.

So I hadn't seen Flora for a while when I went home to get married. The first time I was going to see her in a a couple of years was at the (tiny) wedding where I was having less than 10 guests, just very closest friends. I spoke to her the day before to double check plans and she confirmed she'd meet me at mine and we would travel to the venue together. Called her that morning and said she was leaving soon.

She never called or text again and never turned up. I almost missed the wedding waiting for her! Called her directly after the ceremony to see if she was okay and could she join us for the meal/drinks? She never answered or replied to my text.

I sent her a final message a few days later saying I'm not angry that she couldn't make it, but just wanted to check she was okay! I was worried about her.

She never replied. I never saw or spoke to her again!

(She was fine, by the way, as I had her on social media and she was regularly posting/getting on with her life until I deleted her).

So there you are. A very long and boring account of the most bizarre and uncalled for falling-outs of my life. Sad really as we were all really close as teenagers and well into our twenties - so many memories with them all! I neber will understand what possessed Claire to fall out with us so dramatically (seemed like she was sort of trying to get rid of us so she could spend all her time with her BF and his friends, but that doesn't explain why she turned the others against us, or what she said to acheive this!) Still got Lucy though and she was my favourite anyway