Tell me your horror stories about so called "friends"

[leftout1]

I seem to have real bad luck when it comes to female friends. I had 3 close friends of 20+ years, who didn't so much as phone me when my first marriage broke down. I lived a long way from them at this point, so didn't expect a visit, but to not even phone me really shocked me, and I have found it hard to feel as close to them ever since. The same 3 ladies all knew that my H was cheating on me, and no one told me.

When I moved areas, I made friends with 3 new ladies, mainly through school.

One of them turned out to be a raging alcoholic, and I ended up having to rescue her from so many precarious situations, often caring for her child.

One of them had an affair with my husband, whilst still being friendly with me . He is now obviously an ExH.

One of them attacked me on a night out, because a man she fancied chatted me up, and not her.

I left all those friendships behind when I moved to another area. In new area, I have made some friends. One of them can be a bit moody, and one day a few months ago she was quite rude to me and we haven't spoken since. Then, I see from FB that they've all been out last night and left me out. Also, they will have known I will see the photo's, so that's a bit shit, isn't it?

I'm starting to think that female friendships are a bit shit!

Anyone else got any similar stories, to make me feel that I'm not the only one?

What @OverTheRubicon said. I know you’re just looking for other people’s stories, but honestly, OP, I would be asking myself in your shoes why you have a longterm pattern of choosing awful ‘friends’ and why they keep choosing you. Because if this has gone on over 20+ years, with at least three entirely separate groups of friends, in different geographical areas, it’s more than ‘bad luck’.

I've been lucky and only had one absolute arsehole of a friend.

She tried it on with every bloke I was ever involved with. Then told me and everyone else that they had tried it on with her. I watched her one night do it, I was going somewhere else originally then decided to go to meet my then boyfriend at the club we all used to go to.

Was stood on a balcony looking down at them. He was sat with his mate, she sashayed over, draped herself across him. He moved, she squashed in between him and his mate and drapped her legs across him. He got up, she got up and gyrated into him. He walked away, she followed. Reappeared on same level I was on, him heading to the loo, her trying to keep up in heels.

He saw me and came straight over and said 'she's been trying it on with me, she's not your friend'. She came over, burst into tears and said he was trying it on with her and I shouldn't trust him. If I'd not seen it with my own eyes I would have believed her. Told her to fuck off.

She turned up at my house the next day, sobbing and crying saying no one believed her and how difficult it was being so attractive to your friends fellas. I cut her off there and then, no one needs that shit.

Friend of 15 years stopped speaking to me because I couldn't have the day off for wedding (Friday) or hen do abroad (Thursday and Friday), when I'm a teacher. I asked and was denied the request. Apparently, I should have flown out on the Saturday morning to come home on the Sunday morning.

Agree with previous posters about it being hard to find good girlfriends!! I can’t stand bitchy women...always get on better with men. But I am lucky in that I have some fabulous girlfriends who I know will always be there for me and vice versa.

Had a really bad experience a few years back - was part of a big group of friends, the only single woman was a right shit stirrer. Would spread lies amongst the group about individual people and step back to wait for the fireworks. Such a drama llama! The final straw was her telling the rest of the group that I’d been slagging off one of the couples - really horrible stuff. The rest of the group believed her (!!!) and ghosted DH and I. It was one of the most painful things I’ve ever been through.

I do put barriers up now when meeting new people and it takes a lot for me to trust them.

@sweetiepie1

Been friends with someone since school (13 years) we drifted apart when they moved away for a couple of years but still kept in touch (saw each other once every 6 months or so) and when they moved back we became super close! I should of seen the warning signs then as she moved away to be with her (then) boyfriend (now husband) who had a massive group of friends, in which she managed to fall out with every single one of them (always their fault) apart from one! She has always been quite demanding and bossy, (on my wedding day she actually made my sister-in-law and 2 of my other bridesmaids cry with how rude she was being to them!) if I wouldn't do something she wanted or hung out with someone else would sulk or make snide comments so I would distance myself from her, she would calm down a little and the cycle would repeat. Fast forward to me being pregnant with DS1 just as I announced it to our friends and family, she announced she was pregnant (had literally just taken the test) first thing she said to me was "sorry for stealing your thunder" which wasn't even something I was thinking of was just happy for her! She then proceeded to have a miscarriage, my husband was the only one around to take her to the hospital and they told her she wasn't have a miscarriage she wasn't pregnant. In the car on the way home she had a big rant to my husband about how rude they were and how dare they not believe her. This happened another 5 times all during my pregnancy where various friends would end up taking her and the midwives at the hospital would all say the same thing. No miscarriage not been pregnant. Fast forward to now my mum is terminally ill with cancer, which has been very fast and very sudden. She got her husband to message to ask if I was annoyed at her because I hadn't replied to an emoji that she sent when I confronted her about it she said "oh gosh he shouldn't of said anything I had a dream you were mad at me his taken it out of context" Found out my mum has 2 weeks to live, texted her to tell her she said "thanks for the update" hasn't bothered to text me to see if she is okay or how I am or anything! Then the next day announces her baby shower for 2 weeks time. (Yes she is actually pregnant this time) then gets annoyed because hardly anyone can go because she's given no one any notice! And I'm not even sure if I'm still going to have a mum by then or not! So that was the final straw and finally cut her out of my life and feel so much better for it!

So sorry to hear about your mum Make sure "friend" stays cut out of your life - she sounds like a self obsessed twunt who has no redeeming features.

@BinocularVision

What *@OverTheRubicon* said. I know you’re just looking for other people’s stories, but honestly, OP, I would be asking myself in your shoes why you have a longterm pattern of choosing awful ‘friends’ and why they keep choosing you. Because if this has gone on over 20+ years, with at least three entirely separate groups of friends, in different geographical areas, it’s more than ‘bad luck’.

Sadly I have to agree with this. But I don't mean that in a horrible way. I think some therapy would help you discover what's going on here.

I feel really sad about the state of the female friendships I've had, and realise that in most of them I was either being used or abused in various ways. It's due to coming from an abusive home and having no boundaries, so I've had the same problems with boyfriends. In school I now realise the main friend I had was constantly low-level bullying me.

Once, as a teenager I went to a music festival with some friends. The much older bloke in the next tent was chatting and offered us some of his drink. My friend casually mentioned that it had something in it, speed, which I hadn't been aware of. I didn't do drugs and basically this much older man who had started putting his hands all over me had spiked my drink. Me and my 'friends' went off to see some music and they 'lost' me because they blamed me for being annoying (because I was high as a kite!) so I ended up wandering around on my own all night not being able to find our tent and slept in a tent with another guy I met who thankfully didn't take advantage. Somehow these 'friends' managed to make me feel bad about an older man spiking my drink and trying to take advantage of me, then them dumping me.

Throughout my twenties, I would make friends with women who had just come out of a relationship and wanted to go out and party with me all the time, only to then dump me when they got boyfriends and look down on me because I didn't have one. I now will be very wary towards any woman who is new in town or just come out of a relationship, because I expect them to be users.

I haven't had women there for me when I was down. When I was violently sexually assaulted I told this one friend about it and she never checked in with me afterwards. The only time she rang was to gloat about her engagement. Another woman who'd been a colleague wanted to meet up for a coffee when she heard about it, I thought she was going to be supportive but basically she just wanted to get the gossip to spread at my old workplace, I never heard from her again.

I don't really have any friends at present, I'm just too wounded by it all, and of course lockdown hasn't helped. I think I had such low self-esteem that I always let other women pick me rather than me choosing them as friends. I've now learned to look at friendships with women in exactly the same way as relationships with men, to notice any red flags and assert boundaries or leave as soon as problematic behaviours arise. I'd like to hear from women who have good female friendships to hear what their secrets are.

I was part of a hobby group for years. A new person joined and was instantly popular. I thought she was my friend too. She decided she wanted my seat on the committee so she stood against me in the annual election. Fair enough. I later discovered she’d been whispering in my friends ears about how horrible and lazy I was, how my disability holds me back and they should vote against me - and they listened. Then my friends went whispering in the ears of everyone else in the group. I heard them in the loo prior to the vote whispering “Remember we’re not voting for Donitta, everyone has to vote for Sarah”. It was bullying, plain and simple.

So I came out of the loo and loudly reported this to the Chairperson, who asked if it was true. People shuffled awkwardly and said yes. So the Chairperson suspended the vote pending investigation. The same day, Sarah made a formal complaint saying I cheated by preventing a vote from happening, because when the Chairperson suggested suspending the vote I should have said no. I said to my friends, wtf? And they said “Yes we agree, you cheated Donitta”. How the fuck did I cheat by publicising the fact that Sarah was trying to cheat?! I honestly didn’t see how I could continue to attend the group and look them in the face after that. So I resigned and never did my hobby again. Not one of them said “Oh Donitta, don’t leave - we’ve been friends for ten years, let’s sort it out”. Not one of them. They just said “ok, bye then”. Some of them didn’t even say that.

It wasn’t about the hobby though - I genuinely thought these were my friends and it was devastating to see how casually they discarded me. Ladies, if any of you are reading this I hope you’re happy about bullying a disabled person out of a group that was literally a lifeline for her because of her disability. I haven’t been out for three years because I have no friends now and you’ve destroyed my confidence in people accepting me despite my disability.

Oh wow, I've come back to this thread to find 2 pages to read - thank you! I'm going to walk the dogs, then grab a coffee and read all responses. Thank you

@Donitta

I was part of a hobby group for years. A new person joined and was instantly popular. I thought she was my friend too. She decided she wanted my seat on the committee so she stood against me in the annual election. Fair enough. I later discovered she’d been whispering in my friends ears about how horrible and lazy I was, how my disability holds me back and they should vote against me - and they listened. Then my friends went whispering in the ears of everyone else in the group. I heard them in the loo prior to the vote whispering “Remember we’re not voting for Donitta, everyone has to vote for Sarah”. It was bullying, plain and simple.

So I came out of the loo and loudly reported this to the Chairperson, who asked if it was true. People shuffled awkwardly and said yes. So the Chairperson suspended the vote pending investigation. The same day, Sarah made a formal complaint saying I cheated by preventing a vote from happening, because when the Chairperson suggested suspending the vote I should have said no. I said to my friends, wtf? And they said “Yes we agree, you cheated Donitta”. How the fuck did I cheat by publicising the fact that Sarah was trying to cheat?! I honestly didn’t see how I could continue to attend the group and look them in the face after that. So I resigned and never did my hobby again. Not one of them said “Oh Donitta, don’t leave - we’ve been friends for ten years, let’s sort it out”. Not one of them. They just said “ok, bye then”. Some of them didn’t even say that.

It wasn’t about the hobby though - I genuinely thought these were my friends and it was devastating to see how casually they discarded me. Ladies, if any of you are reading this I hope you’re happy about bullying a disabled person out of a group that was literally a lifeline for her because of her disability. I haven’t been out for three years because I have no friends now and you’ve destroyed my confidence in people accepting me despite my disability.

@Donitta - I was so sorry to read this, what horribly spiteful behaviour. Please don’t let these vile people put you off trying again. Are there any other groups you could join?

*When my husband found a 20 something OW at the dog park, he flew into town and demanded to "see the bitch" right away.

So we took my old dog to the park and hid in the woods to spy on OW. We were just feet away, relentlessly scrutinizing her when I looked down...and saw a big, ugly, squiggly snake. I started screaming, and when BFF saw, he started screaming, and then my dog started barking. We all came running out of the woods, completely hysterical, our cover completely blown. I'll never forget the look on OWs face.*

What ?

Are there any other groups you could join?
Probably. But I have no confidence now. This incident proves that you can know people for years and think they’re your friends but they’re not. It’s not the first time I’ve been discriminated against - I was stupid to think these people liked me because I should know by now that nobody does. They were probably whispering behind my back the whole time and were never really my friends otherwise they wouldn’t have done this.

@Donitta

Are there any other groups you could join? Probably. But I have no confidence now. This incident proves that you can know people for years and think they’re your friends but they’re not. It’s not the first time I’ve been discriminated against - I was stupid to think these people liked me because I should know by now that nobody does. They were probably whispering behind my back the whole time and were never really my friends otherwise they wouldn’t have done this.

@Donitta I know it's easy for me to say, and I don't know your circumstances, but... You should absolutely use their behaviour to fuel your fire and be out there getting involved with other people/groups and living life, and not let them have a long lasting negative impact on your life.

I can relate to a lot of this thread. I seem to make 'friends' with people who don't really see me as a friend but more of a person to moan about all their actual friends or family issues with so they can get on with actual fun with the actual people they like. I feel completely done currently. Someone I had been thinking of as a friend is a bit like Amanda from Motherland I realise and seems to think she is god's gift to humanity and that she will occasionally grace me with her presence and then dump all her crap on me. It is a bit tiring to be honest and I know that I am sending out the wrong message as I consistently attract this.

I have some good ones, all from the same person.

• told me DH (then BF) was only taking me on holiday so he could rape me. He was actually planning to propose.

• told me to “stop whinging” about HG when I was in hospital having fluids etc. I wasn’t even the one who brought it up.

• when I didn’t do well in an exam, kept going on about how she had done amazingly well because that kind of thing just comes naturally to her.

• never stopped talking about herself. Every conversation came back to her. If you bought a new coffee cup in B&M, she’d bought one from Urban Outfitters that was 12 million times better than anything you’d ever set eyes on.

• told everyone I had my son to spite her and that I was being insensitive of her “fertility issues” (she doesn’t have fertility issues and already has kids, always claimed she didn’t want any more). Used this to try to turn friends against me. Thankfully, that didn’t work.

• when I messaged her at 5am saying my suicidal little brother had gone missing, and I was waiting for the police, she told me to chill out and that I was being stupid as he’d probably gone to meet a girl. She then started messaging me about all the times her brother snuck out to meet girls. She knew my brother was gay, had been in hospital for months with hardly any contact with anyone, and was suicidal, but still insisted he’d gone to meet a girl and would be angry at me for calling the police (thankfully DB was ok).

• overall was just an absolute energy drain. I cut her out of my life when DS was 3 months old and have never regretted it for a moment.

It started for me at school. Someone twisted something I said and from then on I was bullied horrendously, had to change schools in the end. I realised then what absolute bitches some girls can be. I still don’t know why the girl who started it had it in for me, we had barely spoken up until then.

In my adult life I just seem to really struggle to make good friends. Either they are perfectly pleasant but we don’t really have anything in common, or they are the type that are constantly talking about others behind their backs. So you know damn well that when you’re not in the room they’re talking about you! Or the type that makes everything a competition. I suppose I have been lucky in that nothing so horrendous has happened like some of the previous posters have talked about. But I agree it is hard to make really good friends.

I am close with my DSis and I have an adult son and daughter that I see/speak to often, so that’s enough for me really. Yes it would be nice to have someone to grab a coffee with or whatever. But I decided romantic relationships were off the table for me now as the reward isn’t worth the effort involved. I sadly now feel the same about friendships.

My university housemate. Three boys in a row - when she saw I was flirting with them, she threw herself at them. Once she told me that she'd shagged the lad in my bed. I just felt sorry for her. I don't understand what motivates someone to sleep with a man your friend fancies. Instead of sleeping with someone you fancy yourself. Couldn't she make her own choices? By the third time I knew what was likely to happen. A lad caught my eye, I bantered with him, I started a mental countdown for when flatmate would muscle in on him......45 mins.
I wonder where she is now and how her life turned out.

2 of my friends all but ghosted me when my dad was dying. A couple of years later, after he'd passed, one of them helpfully clarified that our friendship was over because I hadn't taken enough interest in her life during my dad's final illness, while I'd been consumed with being his and my mum's carer 24/7.

@Polyethyl

My university housemate. Three boys in a row - when she saw I was flirting with them, she threw herself at them. Once she told me that she'd shagged the lad in my bed. I just felt sorry for her. I don't understand what motivates someone to sleep with a man your friend fancies. Instead of sleeping with someone you fancy yourself. Couldn't she make her own choices? By the third time I knew what was likely to happen. A lad caught my eye, I bantered with him, I started a mental countdown for when flatmate would muscle in on him......45 mins. I wonder where she is now and how her life turned out.

Haha yeah, so similar to my experience!

She asked out someone I had a date with right in front of me, flung herself at anyone I liked when we were clubbing, started dating a boy I had been getting close to as a friend (literally mentioned it two days before that I was thankful to have him) and the next thing they are together (she dumped him the same day I mentioned having had a date with that other guy). Flirted with my bf ect...

Just utterly mental. I think it's part of narcissistic personality disorder tbh as they see you as their competition and they cant have anyone like you more than them. So they have to 'win' the affections of the man. They aren't even interested, they just cant let you have them.

I'm just wondering if the women on here reporting narcissistic friends also had a narcissistic mother, as I did and I think that has unfortunately created my low boundaries and people pleasing.

@Novelusername

I'm just wondering if the women on here reporting narcissistic friends also had a narcissistic mother, as I did and I think that has unfortunately created my low boundaries and people pleasing.

More of a codependent mother tbh. Lovely but alway running around after other ppl.

My gran was an overt narcissist tho and I was the scapegoat whenever she came to stay.

I was 100% raised to tolerate far more bs than I should.

Mine's not as dramatic as this but it has been devastating- best friend (or so I thought) have supported her for YEARS - my LTR ended and she went on a blind date within a week of it, then took huge offence that I wasn't interested enough in him- at this point I was suicidal and trying to access the proper help. She literally stopped caring or being interested, no texts, no visits- was openly cruel- sending pics of nice things the new boyfriend had done for her. I am so staggered by the total abandonment and casual cruelty it's taking me ages to recover from it!

crochetmonkey74 Sorry to hear that. Do you think friends like this have deeply resented you having a relationship that whole time and couldn't wait to rub it in once she got one? I think some of the problems I've had with friends is that they've harboured jealously and then couldn't wait to kick me when I was down. Shocking to think about it like that, because I didn't see the warning signs and I just wouldn't think like this about a friend, although it makes more sense looking back.

@leftout1

Blimey, there are some terrible stories here, what is wrong with people.

I feel really sad today. Like there are so few people that I can trust.

My Mum was one of my closest friends, and she died last year - it will be the anniversary soon. My sister and I no longer speak, as after decades of narcissistic abuse from her, I have had to go NC.

I am lucky, in that I have a lovely DH, and I'm very close to my adult DD who lives at home. But she is possibly leaving to work abroad soon, so that's a bit upsetting. My adult DS is also lovely, but lives elsewhere and I haven't seen him since Christmas. Just feeling a bit lonely today, and seeing those photo's this morning feels really shit.

for everyone who has had similar horror stories to tell!

OP, my late DM was my best friend too, and I miss my eldest DDs now they've left home. I haven't had any terrible friendships as I tend to befriend individuals and keep it casual, mostly sticking with my DH and DC. Some of these are awful though, the gall on people!

I was weirdly grateful to a friend for being so overtly self involved it gave me a clear reason to end the friendship. It had rumbled along with low level selfishness for a long time. However when I told her my ten year marriage was ending (two DC one less than a year old) she asked me if it was because we were so jealous of her new house renovation that we realised our marriage wasn't worth it.

I was totally gobsmacked and instantly withdrew. Her final kick was sending me a message that I was selfish for not doing more for her wedding whilst I was separating. I blocked her on everything and nothing would make me go back. She did me a favour reminding me no little crumbs of niceness are enough when someone is so breathtakingly awful.