Tell me your horror stories about so called "friends"

[leftout1]

I seem to have real bad luck when it comes to female friends. I had 3 close friends of 20+ years, who didn't so much as phone me when my first marriage broke down. I lived a long way from them at this point, so didn't expect a visit, but to not even phone me really shocked me, and I have found it hard to feel as close to them ever since. The same 3 ladies all knew that my H was cheating on me, and no one told me.

When I moved areas, I made friends with 3 new ladies, mainly through school.

One of them turned out to be a raging alcoholic, and I ended up having to rescue her from so many precarious situations, often caring for her child.

One of them had an affair with my husband, whilst still being friendly with me . He is now obviously an ExH.

One of them attacked me on a night out, because a man she fancied chatted me up, and not her.

I left all those friendships behind when I moved to another area. In new area, I have made some friends. One of them can be a bit moody, and one day a few months ago she was quite rude to me and we haven't spoken since. Then, I see from FB that they've all been out last night and left me out. Also, they will have known I will see the photo's, so that's a bit shit, isn't it?

I'm starting to think that female friendships are a bit shit!

Anyone else got any similar stories, to make me feel that I'm not the only one?

Agree with previous posters about it being hard to find good girlfriends!!
When I was in my teens I had a neighbour who thought I was prettier than her, so when our mums let us go out together she’d tell me it was casual dress, then I’d turn up in jeans and boots and no makeup to discover she was dressed to the nines in heels and everything. After a while I got wise so she blatantly asked me to dress down when I was with her... and that was the end of that. Another “friend” would line me up as a backup option for a night out then cancel if she got a better offer. Sometimes she’d knock on my door all dolled up, and I’d answer equally dolled up and ready to go, and she’d say I just knocked on my way to the bus stop to tell you you’re not coming with me because I’m meeting X instead. I let her get away with it too, because I had no friends so going out with her occasionally was better than never going out at all.

I'm still reading with at some of these, but suspected someone would post this:

I know you’re just looking for other people’s stories, but honestly, OP, I would be asking myself in your shoes why you have a longterm pattern of choosing awful ‘friends’ and why they keep choosing you. Because if this has gone on over 20+ years, with at least three entirely separate groups of friends, in different geographical areas, it’s more than ‘bad luck’

I don't agree (although I can see why you'd say so). The 3 friends who did not check in on me, when I was going through a divorce, had been friends at that point, for 17 years, with absolutely no issues in all that time. If you had told me, that they would not be supportive in the case of a divorce, I would never have believed you. But there you are.

"However when I told her my ten year marriage was ending (two DC one less than a year old) she asked me if it was because we were so jealous of her new house renovation that we realised our marriage wasn't worth it."

That is just utterly batshit!!!

I had a friend I thought was a really good one. She was there for me when I had PND, was actually the first person to spot it and encourage me to go to my GP. Was always there when you needed her. But then I started noticing that when times were ood, she was pissed off at me. When I had my second child, I told her I was relieved the PND didn't come back and she said, "At least you were interesting when you had PND. Now you are just wrapped up in your baby." She was only interested in getting in the middle of other people's drama and she was always trying to split friend's relationships up. Her firt comment to any moan (and to my PND) was "Leave him, I have a spare room." I always wondered how much fun she would have found it with a depressed friend living in her spare room with a baby! The last straw was when she told me that I should never have had my children, they had ruined my career (not true), my life (not true) and had made me a shit friend. Maybe they had, it was true I had less time than I did before the kids. But she was a drain and it was a relief to be away from her. I think she just wanted to be the centre of attention all the time and for her friends to have no other commitments outside work.

I was very close to a cousin growing up, thought we were the best of pals. It was only when I came to me getting married that the truth of our friendship came out - it was all based on me supporting her but I had never see it! She gets her kicks from the pathetic "poor Jane", butter wouldn't melt persona. She was the bridesmaid from hell! She held a massive grudge that she wasn't maid of honour (believing that as my cousin she should have "control"), accused my other bridesmaids of stealing money, and created all sorts of lies about me that has left to a rift in the family. Thankfully, 5 years later, some family members have seen the light and have apologised to me for believing what she said back then and not intervening. As you'd expect I've kept my distance from her, I'm polite but don't engage.

My baby was stillborn earlier this year and the cousin has appointed herself as mourner in chief. Despite living only about 20 minutes away I haven't seen her in about 3 years (by choice). She has never once asked me how I am or about my beautiful baby. She dropped a bottle of wine and a bag of crisps with a card to my gate (the wine was called "The little Rascal", she thought it was "cute"). Someone told me she had taken personal days from work as SHE was so upset. Yesterday I bumped into an old family friend (who would have been none the wiser about our rift) and apparently the cousin had told her how I was coping and the lady then said "aren't you so lucky to have her as support"!! I find it so creepy she's using my baby to feed her own need for attention.

Why did I bother trying to keep in touch? Well people tell me that sisters are great. She is the only one I have. I realise she only likes me when I am subservient to her. (she is 10 years older than me).

I have now cut her off. She is definitely narcissistic

Same here. I think when it's a family member, you put up with so much more before you snap. My sister is definitely a Narc - ticks every single box. Her hatred towards me is wrapped up in passive aggressive crap. I just can't deal with it any more.

If there is even one red flag, I end a budding friendship

This is all well and good, but what if a friend you've known for years lets you down? It blindsides you completely.

Are you not going to tell your friend that her friend is shagging her husband?!

I was very tempted, but they were all friends for years before I came on the scene, I don't think the wife would believe me, and I just don't want any contact or any drama. I don't know if it's still ongoing. I think probably not, as my "friend" used to live next door to this couple, but she has moved now. The husband would pop to her (when she lived next door) under the premise of doing some DIY for her, and they'd use that time for a quick shag. He is a serial adulterer as well.

Was stood on a balcony looking down at them. He was sat with his mate, she sashayed over, draped herself across him. He moved, she squashed in between him and his mate and draped her legs across him. He got up, she got up and gyrated into him. He walked away, she followed. Reappeared on same level I was on, him heading to the loo, her trying to keep up in heels

He saw me and came straight over and said 'she's been trying it on with me, she's not your friend'. She came over, burst into tears and said he was trying it on with her and I shouldn't trust him. If I'd not seen it with my own eyes I would have believed her. Told her to fuck off

Thank goodness you were watching!

We were on a big family holiday and my sister, who hated her MIL, lied about her - my sister and her DH and DD went to swim in the hotel pool. She had no idea I was on a balcony watching them. When she came back to the sunbeds I asked her if she'd enjoyed her swim, and she told me "No, because fucking MIL was in the pool trying to take DD off me the whole time".....her MIL hadn't been in the pool at all. I mean why lie? Just why?

Donitta That's terrible. Please think about joining another group.

My best friend of 20+ years ghosted me, I spent a year trying to find out what the matter was so we could sort it. She never responded and that was that. I was heartbroken, I thought we were soul mates. A few years later her mother collared me at a christening and said she was missing me and I should let it go (let what go, I'd tried to keep the relationship and had accepted she didn't want it by then) and get in touch. I was stunned, if she was missing me so much why didn't she find me, the last thing I said to her was my door was always open. So I didn't get in touch, it's one thing to forgive someone who asks you to, it's another to invite them back into your life without any apology or explanation. Her mother probably thinks I'm being spiteful.

This thread is making me frightened for my dd who is autistic and doesn't read people well though you wouldn't know she was from meeting her once. She is so vulnerable to this kind of nasty covert behaviour. 🥺

@leftout1

Was stood on a balcony looking down at them. He was sat with his mate, she sashayed over, draped herself across him. He moved, she squashed in between him and his mate and draped her legs across him. He got up, she got up and gyrated into him. He walked away, she followed. Reappeared on same level I was on, him heading to the loo, her trying to keep up in heels

He saw me and came straight over and said 'she's been trying it on with me, she's not your friend'. She came over, burst into tears and said he was trying it on with her and I shouldn't trust him. If I'd not seen it with my own eyes I would have believed her. Told her to fuck off

Thank goodness you were watching!

We were on a big family holiday and my sister, who hated her MIL, lied about her - my sister and her DH and DD went to swim in the hotel pool. She had no idea I was on a balcony watching them. When she came back to the sunbeds I asked her if she'd enjoyed her swim, and she told me "No, because fucking MIL was in the pool trying to take DD off me the whole time".....her MIL hadn't been in the pool at all. I mean why lie? Just why?

Donitta That's terrible. Please think about joining another group.

Wow! Did you call her out on that our just note it and not believe anything else she said?

It is awful how badly some women treat others but strangely reassuring.

My BF of 15 years and I no longer have any contact. I am godmother to her children and supported her through a divorce emotionally and financially. I cared for her children, housed them and helped her plan her second wedding. Unfortunately the man she married is a terrible drunk and insanely jealous. One evening, 2 years ago he assaulted me leaving bruising to my back. He followed it up with verbally abusive messages. I told my ex-BF but she was unwilling to believe it happened. I tried to talk to her about it a few weeks after the incident, but again she failed to accept it and lost her temper and punched me! I had no idea she could behave in such a way

One years ago started a massive rumour i took cocaine which was because she liked someone who liked me, i think that was the root cause....anyway they ended up together and i never spoke to her again.

More recently i had a play date arranged with another mum who has 2 kids same sort of age as mine, anyway she cancelled because her youngest was unwell......and then posted about 20 pics of her 'sick' youngest on a play date with another little girl that day. So strange to think i wouldnt see that and be confused. Anyway i wont be bothering again, but i do keep her on facebook because of mutual friends and not wanting drama

I'm very very grateful and lucky for the female friends I have. I would echo those who say cut out those toxic 'friends' and as I've got older I won't tolerate such shit.
However some people behave like brats regardless of sex.

I had a really good Friend in my 20s although she was rather loud and a bit marmite I thought she was a good friend. However I was warned that she only hung around with single women because she was desperate for male attention. I thought this was harsh until I got a boyfriend and she dumped me. She tried to start a drunken fight with me whilst I was sober. She then drunk drove home 100 miles at night.

My other toxic friend was my best friend throughout uni and our 20s. She was known as a princess and I tolerated a lot. For example she didn't like parking so she'd drive to my house and I'd park her car for her. She refused to walk anywhere and she genuinely believed everyone fancied her, which got a bit irritating.
She was really judgmental of people to the point of being nasty and I didn't say anything. I think she needed psychiatric help.
One day she sent me a vile email telling me exactly what she thought of me, out of the blue, it was really bizarre very hurtful but I instantly deleted it and decided I was done. I never responded. I found out 2 years later at a friend's wedding that she had emailed all of our mutual friends and acquaintances saying I was horrible and racist and this and that probably because she hadn't got a response from me she needed to ramp it up a notch.
Not one person took it seriously and thought it was crazy.
I don't know what happened to her but I do know her outburst coincided with a broken engagement

Wow! Did you call her out on that our just note it and not believe anything else she said?

No, I just let it slide. I've since found out about a lot of other things she's lied about though. Lots of lies about me as well. Unfortunately, I think her DH believes them, as when me and her went NC, he also blocked me on SM, even though we never have contact anyway. He is her enabler. Some members of his family won't speak to my sister, and she has also lost a lot of friends. She's had several tribunals at multiple work places. One employee complained as she had threatened to punch her in the face! This is in a really professional work place as well. She's ruined several family events by having melt downs, even our own mum's 70th. She said something so vile to me at Christmas that I cut all contact for good.

More recently i had a play date arranged with another mum who has 2 kids same sort of age as mine, anyway she cancelled because her youngest was unwell......and then posted about 20 pics of her 'sick' youngest on a play date with another little girl that day. So strange to think i wouldnt see that and be confused

Dreadful behaviour!!

This made me think of a time when a good friend of mine had moved about 50 miles away, and we made an arrangement for her to come to mine for lunch one day. I made a lovely spread. Was sitting waiting for her arrival, and her boyfriend called about 5 minutes after she was due, to say she wasn't coming, because she was ill. What a kick in the teeth! If she'd given me notice, I wouldn't have made any food!

@sweetiepie1

Been friends with someone since school (13 years) we drifted apart when they moved away for a couple of years but still kept in touch (saw each other once every 6 months or so) and when they moved back we became super close! I should of seen the warning signs then as she moved away to be with her (then) boyfriend (now husband) who had a massive group of friends, in which she managed to fall out with every single one of them (always their fault) apart from one! She has always been quite demanding and bossy, (on my wedding day she actually made my sister-in-law and 2 of my other bridesmaids cry with how rude she was being to them!) if I wouldn't do something she wanted or hung out with someone else would sulk or make snide comments so I would distance myself from her, she would calm down a little and the cycle would repeat. Fast forward to me being pregnant with DS1 just as I announced it to our friends and family, she announced she was pregnant (had literally just taken the test) first thing she said to me was "sorry for stealing your thunder" which wasn't even something I was thinking of was just happy for her! She then proceeded to have a miscarriage, my husband was the only one around to take her to the hospital and they told her she wasn't have a miscarriage she wasn't pregnant. In the car on the way home she had a big rant to my husband about how rude they were and how dare they not believe her. This happened another 5 times all during my pregnancy where various friends would end up taking her and the midwives at the hospital would all say the same thing. No miscarriage not been pregnant. Fast forward to now my mum is terminally ill with cancer, which has been very fast and very sudden. She got her husband to message to ask if I was annoyed at her because I hadn't replied to an emoji that she sent when I confronted her about it she said "oh gosh he shouldn't of said anything I had a dream you were mad at me his taken it out of context" Found out my mum has 2 weeks to live, texted her to tell her she said "thanks for the update" hasn't bothered to text me to see if she is okay or how I am or anything! Then the next day announces her baby shower for 2 weeks time. (Yes she is actually pregnant this time) then gets annoyed because hardly anyone can go because she's given no one any notice! And I'm not even sure if I'm still going to have a mum by then or not! So that was the final straw and finally cut her out of my life and feel so much better for it!

I don’t mean this unkindly to sweetiepie1, but honestly if you want to know why this keeps happening, @leftout1, then this account (as well as others) tells you all you need to know... you could make bunting with the red flags here, yet the poster gave the toxic woman chance after chance after chance, letting her trample boundaries and show her true colours repeatedly, before finally cutting her off.

She’d have been out of my life at this point “if I wouldn't do something she wanted or hung out with someone else would sulk or make snide comments” or after the wedding behaviour. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lots of other examples on this thread of people putting up with dreadful behaviour from ‘friends’. Maybe it’s to do with not wanting to disrupt a group dynamic, I don’t know (I’ve never been one for groups).

When someone shows you who they are, take heed! If someone treats you disrespectfully, give them one chance max, then withdraw immediately and permanently.

I agree.

I think the reason some people don't become in enmeshed with these drama friendships is that the minute the see the hint of a red flag the friendship simply never progresses.

For example a number of years ago I was out for dinner with one of my children's Mum's nights.
It was a new school and I having a lovely evening.
The mum on one side was very amusing and we were a very nice chat and a laugh.
She mentioned coffee some day and I said lovely.
As the evening progressed she was a bit unnecessarily short with the wait staff that were under pressure.
I didn't like her tone.
Red flag.
Never went for coffee.

Friends can behave badly at any time, but I think the really awful stories can be eliminated by not accepting appalling treatment for years and years.

Believe them the first time.

billy1966 I totally agree with you, but then again, when you come from a really messed up home, you simply don't know what acceptable behaviour is. You've never been able to listen to your gut about people, because your childhood environment has conditioned you to ignore it and to do anything you can to please others in order to be safe. It takes a very long time to learn what healthy boundaries look like and how to assert yourself in order to have healthy relationships. I wish the ways in which people abuse one another and how to protect oneself from this was taught in school, so that when children are neglected or abused at home they have a better chance in life by learning such self-preservation skills.

This thread is making me frightened for my dd who is autistic and doesn't read people well though you wouldn't know she was from meeting her once. She is so vulnerable to this kind of nasty covert behaviour.
This is why I struggle to make friends. I often can’t tell if people genuinely like me or are taking the piss. The piss-takers target me because I obviously have a disability. And sometimes I know they’re taking the piss but I put up with it because I have nobody else.

Yep I had a friend that basically used me for 3 years until she found other friends and then ghosted me. She married one of my old school mates and had a kid with him, then they waltzed off to NZ to make a new life for themselves leaving their 5 kids from other partners behind.

Loads. BF 1. Supported her through her horrible divorce. Was there all the time. 3am phone calls, childcare, the works. When my abusive ex left i was so desolate had to sell the house before it was repossessed. Was crying one day to her about how it wouldnt sell. She said she would buy it as an investment. Offered 30 grand less than asking price. I told her that would leave me with no equity. She shook her head and told me she knew about houses and i would never get my asking price and she was being kind. She then harrassed me morning, noon and night for the next week to sell to her. That week I sold, for original asking price. When I confronted her she said she knew I would get it as the house was a good price, and this was just business and nothing to do with friendship and I was acting like a child. Never spoke to her again.
BF2. When I was diagnosed with a life changing illness didnt want to know. Refused to let me talk about it and refused to talk about if i tried just talked over me till i changed the subject. I was in and out of hospital for over a year( she knew, we lived in the same street) and she never asked how i was. After a year of not hearing a word from her i put a post on FB that my dad had died( she knew him) she left a comment saying sorry, but that was all. I was very hurt she never called or contacted me. 3 days later i got a message inviting me to her perfume party. I sent her a message back politely declining stating I wasnt fit to attend as my dad hadnt been dead a week. I got a huge rant back about how her mental health was terrible and if I was a REAL friend I would be there for her. Blocked. Im still very very sad about both.

Donitta I have similar issues. You deserve better, don't let the bastards make you give up looking for happiness though.

I agree with @UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea and @billy1966, and I grew up with two parents with absolutely no boundaries and a long history of being exploited by 'friends' and family.

I actually think that when you grow up watching a parent bustle around people-pleasing in 'friendships' in which they continually allow themselves to be exploited even when they have neither respect nor liking for the other people, but are unable to say no, it is

(a) a very good lesson in how not to do friendships (my sisters and I got walked all over in our teens when we still worked on our mother's model of relationships, but have strong and egalitarian friendships and excellent boundaries as adults) and

(b) also a very good lesson in how complicit the people-pleasers themselves are in long-running exploitative situations.

Nobody can blame you for a friend suddenly behaving badly towards you out of the blue. That's bad luck, and not your fault. But if they keep doing it and you're still there taking it, or if there's a pattern of unrelated friends from different parts and eras of your life exploiting you and behaving badly towards you, then you have to take some responsibility for the situation.

It's not just 'having bad luck with friends', or 'women always being nasty' or 'I'm too good natured'. It's something you are doing and/or allowing to be done to you, and you're the only one that can change it. The good news is that you can definitely change it.

Several

1. I introduced some school mums to each other and we went out and had a lovely night (or so I thought) the next month they all went out without me.
2. Work friends, I had a close death in my family, we always send flowers to each other in our core group of 8 but no one bothered. But someone else had a similarly related close death int heir family 3 days later and they got flowers.
3. Arranged to meet up with a friend and she dumped me for an ex work colleague and current work colleague and used the booking I’d made!
4. Someone I’ve known 20 years has provided me no support since the close death.

I’m not made for friendship. And I’m so so sad.

I really wish I had some genuine friends. I don't want a lot, just 1 or 2 will do who I can trust, we confide in and have a good time. I get so sad when I see pics on social media of groups of friends out for lunch etc.
I've had quite a few poor experiences of being dropped/replaced, not included in things.
I'm resigned to it now.

@FakeColinCaterpillar

You notice people aren’t your real friends when you have actual emergencies. DH was very poorly in hospital and getting people to look after DD for a few hours was a nightmare. She wasn’t small and no bother but lots of them were like ‘I’m having a relaxing day in my PJs so can’t be bothered etc’. One of them pulled a face about me not inviting her DD round to play when I was going to the hospital. Never even asked how he was.

I’ve stepped away from one as she was constantly moaning to me she didn’t have someone to take her 2 kids so her and her husband could go out (hint to me). Her DD has been round mine hundreds of times, mine has been round hers twice. Reap what you sow.

I've had similar - actual emergencies no-one there but then so many hints from friends with way more support than us and who we'd already helped out.

It's made me very cynical.

@Novelusername

billy1966 I totally agree with you, but then again, when you come from a really messed up home, you simply don't know what acceptable behaviour is. You've never been able to listen to your gut about people, because your childhood environment has conditioned you to ignore it and to do anything you can to please others in order to be safe. It takes a very long time to learn what healthy boundaries look like and how to assert yourself in order to have healthy relationships. I wish the ways in which people abuse one another and how to protect oneself from this was taught in school, so that when children are neglected or abused at home they have a better chance in life by learning such self-preservation skills.

I couldn't agree with you more.

If we taught boundaries, self respect and self esteem in schools, I truly believe the MH bill and supports would be hugely reduced.

Learn it young.

I have been quietly but relentlessly doing this with my children from early childhood.

Speaking about kindness and respect.

Encouraging them to walk away from those that aren't kind.

I believe that it has helped to really activate their emotional intelligence.

So even though they are 4 different personalities, and not ALL super confident, they have a razor radar for a nasty bitch or dick in their midst.

I'm glad of this.
That at least I have helped them develop their radar for people that are of NO use to them.