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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh god

149 replies

lostsoul1989 · 22/05/2021 17:43

I know I have posted loads.

So I wanted closure and yes mistakenly went to the boyfriends house to see what was going on.

I went in I stayed at the door bit and I asked what was happening.

"Nothing I am just tired" "thought I was seeing you tomorrow"

This has happened after a full day of ignoring my calls and texts.

I said I just wanted to know what was going on. Just wanted to know if he still wanted to be together. Then again "I thought I was seeing you tomorrow"

It's like he has me clinging on. Me feeling hopeless as I don't know what I have done.

This has happened since last week and going to bed drunk. When everyone there said I was fine.

Once again I am left in limbo. I can't even cry. Maybe it would be better if I could.

I don't even know what to do. My ex is getting married and seems to have the perfect life, where as me just seems to fuck everything up.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 22/05/2021 23:07

@Faith50

I am sorry op. He is leaving you to do all the chasing which is awful and eats away at your dignity. As others have said, let him go as he is treating you badly. You deserve better.

Reading your story reminds me of an ex from a long time ago. I used to do a lot of the chasing and hanging on in our relationship. I recall on many occasions just before leaving his flat he would say our relationship was not working and we needee to talk. He knew I would desparately try to fix things before making my way home. On another occasion we were due to go out with another couple. I rang him countless times about arranging a meeting point and he did not answer his phone all night. He admitted the next day that he deliberately did not answer my calls - no apology or even a lie. It was all about control and him pulling my strings. I put up with far more and it caused me severe emotional damage that I am still healing from 20 years later. I cannot quite believe I thought so little of myself.

As another poster has said, he is treating you like this because you are allowing it. You need to reach the point where you will no longer settle for this.

Oh I know he did this all day today and that's why out of sheer frustration I went out and wanted it out with him. He wouldn't even give me that
OP posts:
RosieLeaLovesTea · 22/05/2021 23:13

So what did he actually say to you OP - what did he say as you were leaving?

Because I think I asked in your last post how long you had been with him and you said September.

It seems like you have worried all week about him being off/not communicating/worried you have upset him. Need to be told you are seeing each other on the weekend. But when you got there he said he thought you were going to see each other on the weekend.

So He may be at that stage where he does not confirm plans because he assumes you will be with each other.

But it does not excuse the no contact during the week.

RosieLeaLovesTea · 22/05/2021 23:14

PS I hope I have remembered your previous post correctly.

RowanAlong · 22/05/2021 23:17

Stop letting him treat you like rubbish, and just walk away.

JamieFrasersAuntie · 23/05/2021 00:10

My ex friend is in a similar relationship and she's so besotted she does not see how this relationship is harming all her other relationships.

Her poor kids have an absent mum who's constantly emotionally unavailable and it's impossible to have any conversation that is not about her horrible relationship. When she's not talking or crying about it she's constantly distracted or checking her phone.

I've gotten sick of the crying phone calls and the constant discussions about this stupid bloke.After three years of this and my birthday being ruined by her behaviour with it I cannot be friends with her anymore.

These things are not relationships, they are an unhealthy obsession. I mean this kindly but If you are regularly discussing this with your friends they will eventually run out of patience with it.

My ex friend has other things going on that perhaps explain why she has developed an obsession,but as much as I feel for her I simply cannot be around it anymore.

PinkSatinMoon · 23/05/2021 03:02

Why are you fighting for someone who doesn't respect care or even respond to you?

What do you need to know exactly? How he treats you is all you need to know. Your need to harass and stalk him just allows him to treat you with even more contempt.

You will feel tenfold better if you wake up in the morning and say, d'you know what? I'm not being treated like scum anymore Im worth more, and block him. Take back control of You and your emotions.

Do it now for your mental health and your kids sakes. 🌸

peanutttttt · 23/05/2021 03:46

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

Is this the bloke you’ve had multiple threads about and people keep telling you to end it and you don’t want to hear it?
It's easier said than done, we've all had someone we just couldn't let go of right away.
Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 23/05/2021 07:58

I know I know!! He's gone! No more, even took his number out my phone.

Had an amazing sleep last night too.

Thank you all again

OP posts:
Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 23/05/2021 08:41

@PinkSatinMoon

Why are you fighting for someone who doesn't respect care or even respond to you?

What do you need to know exactly? How he treats you is all you need to know. Your need to harass and stalk him just allows him to treat you with even more contempt.

You will feel tenfold better if you wake up in the morning and say, d'you know what? I'm not being treated like scum anymore Im worth more, and block him. Take back control of You and your emotions.

Do it now for your mental health and your kids sakes. 🌸

I will his number if now out my phone so I can't keep checking.

It's all very ridiculous. Looking back.

I'm an open an honest person. I always have been.

Going to work on myself and just wait for my results to come back.

Thank you

OP posts:
Templetreebreeze · 23/05/2021 09:45

Well done OP.
Be warned that he may start being "nice" to hook you back in.
It really is a cycle with abusive men.

You mention a previous awful relationship which makes me wonder if there is something in your family relationship dynamics that has made you vulnerable to these type of men?
There is lots of advice on Womens Aid, The Freedom programme etc.
Above all
Do not blame yourself !
If you find that thought entering your head then mentally stop and check it.
Your last thread was titled " what does this mean"
You recognised his behaviour wasnt normal.
Well done

Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 23/05/2021 09:48

I'm quite a strong person normally.

So not sure what happened.

Still hurts tho

OP posts:
Templetreebreeze · 23/05/2021 10:48

@lostsoul1989

I'm quite a strong person normally.

So not sure what happened.

Still hurts tho

You met a manipulator Op Its not about your strength, its about his behaviour.
DoubleTweenQueen · 23/05/2021 12:01

@lostsoul1989 His behaviour has zapped your strength and made you question yourself. He's not good for you.
Plus your health issues will have increased your vulnerability.

Focus on you x

Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 23/05/2021 12:32

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@lostsoul1989 His behaviour has zapped your strength and made you question yourself. He's not good for you.
Plus your health issues will have increased your vulnerability.

Focus on you x[/quote]
I'm trying very hard! Very very hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 23/05/2021 12:55

@RosieLeaLovesTea

So what did he actually say to you OP - what did he say as you were leaving?

Because I think I asked in your last post how long you had been with him and you said September.

It seems like you have worried all week about him being off/not communicating/worried you have upset him. Need to be told you are seeing each other on the weekend. But when you got there he said he thought you were going to see each other on the weekend.

So He may be at that stage where he does not confirm plans because he assumes you will be with each other.

But it does not excuse the no contact during the week.

He said nothing. He shouted for his daughter to hurry up.

She actually text me to see if I was alright.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 23/05/2021 13:18

Been out all morning, been great now in back and booom awful again x

OP posts:
Fabiofatshaft1 · 23/05/2021 18:01

You’re grieving, despite the zig zag, push me \ pull you relationship you had. HAD.

It’s always hard to lose a loved one. Even if he is a Narc.

Try to conceptualise as a bereavement. A passing. A final goodbye.

We’ve all lost and grieved loved ones. The pain is unbearable for a while. We all wished we had done things differently. Gave them more of our time. Thanked them more and told them we loved them more often.

In time, the hurt leaves but an everlasting sadness remains.

It’s time to let him go, and grieve......

Then you can heal.

Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 23/05/2021 18:06

That is so lovely of you thank you.

It's a nice way of putting it x

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 23/05/2021 18:15

Copying my post here in case you have your other thread deleted:

You cope by realising you had a lucky escape and thank god you only wasted 6 months on him rather than years.

Then you think about any red or amber flags there were that you ignored or let go and think about boundaries.

Then you spend time licking your wounds and loving yourself - going out with friends, hobbies etc

And then when you know that a man will enhance your life and not be your life you go looking

Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 23/05/2021 19:35

Thank you again I have tried to delete the other thread but it won't let me

OP posts:
KinseyWinsey · 24/05/2021 06:42

You won't ever know if you've done something wrong.

He just sounds like a knobber, stringing you along.

Take back control. Accept that he won't ever be honest and tell you what you'd like to know.

He's not into you. That's all you need to know. Actions speak an awful louder than words.

Don't be a desperate chump, going round there, begging to know what's up. It's embarrassing and deeply unattractive and lets him know he's got you to play with whenever he feels like it.

Block him. Be strong.

Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 24/05/2021 08:18

All done and I fell a hell of a lot better within a day!

Just shows really!

OP posts:
OrchestraOfWankery · 24/05/2021 08:26

So pleased for you op!
Onwards and upwards! Grin

Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 24/05/2021 08:33

I think it's the waiting for test results and no support also.

It's been horrible.

OP posts:
SakuraEdenSwan1 · 24/05/2021 08:47

@CoelacanthSharpener harsh? Truthful more like