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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh god

149 replies

lostsoul1989 · 22/05/2021 17:43

I know I have posted loads.

So I wanted closure and yes mistakenly went to the boyfriends house to see what was going on.

I went in I stayed at the door bit and I asked what was happening.

"Nothing I am just tired" "thought I was seeing you tomorrow"

This has happened after a full day of ignoring my calls and texts.

I said I just wanted to know what was going on. Just wanted to know if he still wanted to be together. Then again "I thought I was seeing you tomorrow"

It's like he has me clinging on. Me feeling hopeless as I don't know what I have done.

This has happened since last week and going to bed drunk. When everyone there said I was fine.

Once again I am left in limbo. I can't even cry. Maybe it would be better if I could.

I don't even know what to do. My ex is getting married and seems to have the perfect life, where as me just seems to fuck everything up.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 22/05/2021 18:32

@Notagain20

There's a great little book called Don't Call That Man, I think she updated it to Don't Text That Man, it's really good at explaining how we get into these obsessive hanging on situations and how to get out of them
Oh right I will look 👀 into that. Thank you
OP posts:
Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 22/05/2021 18:35

@ImFree2doasiwant

Honestly OP, you deserve more than this. If you'd done something terrible, he should tell you, tell you he's pissed off abd that he wants a bit if time, ir whatever. Not just keep you hanging, agonising over it. My ex did the silent treatment. He had me on a string for years. But gradually, I got fed up with it and just carried on with life, ignoring it, not getting upset. Then left. Best decision and should have done it years later.
I've never known anything at all like this in my life.

It's absolutely awful to treat someone anyone like this.

I might of been a bellend after the drink but who hasn't.

Absolutely fed Up of the back teeth with childish behaviour.

OP posts:
Gucci1961 · 22/05/2021 18:39

You're colluding in your own torture here.

I would text him ''mixed messages are not for me''.

If you've been with him for years then he won't believe you but really you need somebody who is clear with you and he is deliberately vague. Intermittent reinforcement, avoidance, keeping his options open. Just check out once and for all. It's hard to do it because you erroneously think you're burning some bridge, but it's a shit bridge to nowhere but more pain.

Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 22/05/2021 18:41

@Gucci1961

You're colluding in your own torture here.

I would text him ''mixed messages are not for me''.

If you've been with him for years then he won't believe you but really you need somebody who is clear with you and he is deliberately vague. Intermittent reinforcement, avoidance, keeping his options open. Just check out once and for all. It's hard to do it because you erroneously think you're burning some bridge, but it's a shit bridge to nowhere but more pain.

I've just deleted his number.

Sod it

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 22/05/2021 18:44

I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship no one does but some men really get off on humiliating their partner.
To get you so worked up you don't know whether you are coming or going.

Why?
Who Knows?
But they tend to be only happy when seeing their partners in distress.

You need to drop the rope, breath and put a full stop to this madness currently circulating in you brain. It will make you ill, the awful thing is he likes you ill, he feels powerful by doing this and he's very unpleasant.

Stop wanting him to comfort you, he's the one whose made you ill and will continue to do so at every opportunity.

Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 22/05/2021 18:47

I seem to think he does after today.

Not one how are you or anything.

He will just carry on regardless,

OP posts:
Fabiofatshaft1 · 22/05/2021 18:54

He’s not into you.......

Direct your energy elsewhere and to someone else......

lucy5236 · 22/05/2021 19:02

Youve said above that you're scared that you'll be alone forever if this ends.

Personally, I'd to choose to be alone forever over this relationship, especially when huh have an amazing DS to focus on.

However, if you don't want to be alone forever the best thing you can do is move on. Sounds like you need some time on your own to heal and focus on your MH, then when you are easy and in a better place you WILL meet the right man that treats you how you deserve to be treated.

Every minute, every hour, every day that you spend obsessing over this dickhead is another minute/hour/day that you are not spending on moving forward. The sooner you do that the sooner you'll be ready to meet someone else

Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 22/05/2021 19:03

@Onthedunes

I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship no one does but some men really get off on humiliating their partner. To get you so worked up you don't know whether you are coming or going.

Why?
Who Knows?
But they tend to be only happy when seeing their partners in distress.

You need to drop the rope, breath and put a full stop to this madness currently circulating in you brain. It will make you ill, the awful thing is he likes you ill, he feels powerful by doing this and he's very unpleasant.

Stop wanting him to comfort you, he's the one whose made you ill and will continue to do so at every opportunity.

I will do! What a horrible exhausting week.

Like I say I got drunk and went to bed.

He goes missing and nothing is said.

I did ask another family member if I was ok again yesterday, just for my own piece of mind. And I got told no!

Got out of one horrendous relationship with the children's dad and when I left that, it was lovely.

Kids have just came back so we are going to have a movie night.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 22/05/2021 19:08

@lucy5236

Youve said above that you're scared that you'll be alone forever if this ends.

Personally, I'd to choose to be alone forever over this relationship, especially when huh have an amazing DS to focus on.

However, if you don't want to be alone forever the best thing you can do is move on. Sounds like you need some time on your own to heal and focus on your MH, then when you are easy and in a better place you WILL meet the right man that treats you how you deserve to be treated.

Every minute, every hour, every day that you spend obsessing over this dickhead is another minute/hour/day that you are not spending on moving forward. The sooner you do that the sooner you'll be ready to meet someone else

Thank you so much for your kind words.
OP posts:
PhannyPharts · 22/05/2021 19:10

This is another horrendous relationship. Just a different variety.

He is a dick who knows he is upsetting you and doing it anyway.

You deserve better than this. Your kids deserve a happy mum. This man is not making you anywhere close to happy. In fact the opposite so leave him be.

anunexaminedlife · 22/05/2021 19:11

I mean this kindly but you need to seek out some sort of therapeutic support. Whilst this particular man doesn't sound abusive, you would be like shooting fish in a barrel to a perpetrator when you enter the dating world again and so vulnerable to being exploited by abusive men. You do not need to be in a relationship or desired by men to feel validated, but you do need to look for other things in life that leave you feeling content and happy.

Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 22/05/2021 19:16

@anunexaminedlife

I mean this kindly but you need to seek out some sort of therapeutic support. Whilst this particular man doesn't sound abusive, you would be like shooting fish in a barrel to a perpetrator when you enter the dating world again and so vulnerable to being exploited by abusive men. You do not need to be in a relationship or desired by men to feel validated, but you do need to look for other things in life that leave you feeling content and happy.
Yes I know. Just he blows hot and cold so I don't know where I stand.

Being drunk and falling asleep did I do anything else?? I was in bed.

The fact I could of hurt him, upsets me.

Obviously he's not arsed at all

OP posts:
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 22/05/2021 19:17

@lostsoul1989

I don't know what's going on as he is so off with me, won't talk and doesn't seem to like confrontation.

From being text everyday, from things being good to just the silent treatment.

You do know what's going on but you don't want to face it. He's gone off the relationship and he's being too cowardly to tell you.
Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 22/05/2021 19:17

God I would be there like a shot if it was me in this sort of situation.

OP posts:
PhannyPharts · 22/05/2021 19:23

You haven't hurt him. He is hurting you

premium77 · 22/05/2021 19:23

i know that wondering why he’s upset with you is driving you mad but, to put it blankly, you are acting desperate. And it’s only going to drive him more away. It’s never a good idea to turn up at someone’s house unannounced or send them more texts and calls when they clearly aren’t in the mood to talk. I know it’s not a nice feeling to feel like there’s unresolved business but there’s nothing you can do right now.

Don’t put up with behaviour that’s making you unhappy just because you don’t want to be alone.

LifeExperience · 22/05/2021 19:24

He's over the relationship but too much of a coward to be honest about it. Instead, he's used a bit of unladylike behavior as a pretext to end the relationship.

You didn't do anything wrong. Repeat that to yourself over and over until you believe it. You didn't do anything wrong. Your only mistake was getting into a relationship with an immature man who won't discuss his feelings like an adult.

Block him and move on.

Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 22/05/2021 19:26

@premium77

i know that wondering why he’s upset with you is driving you mad but, to put it blankly, you are acting desperate. And it’s only going to drive him more away. It’s never a good idea to turn up at someone’s house unannounced or send them more texts and calls when they clearly aren’t in the mood to talk. I know it’s not a nice feeling to feel like there’s unresolved business but there’s nothing you can do right now.

Don’t put up with behaviour that’s making you unhappy just because you don’t want to be alone.

Thank you, only desperate to find out what I have done. That is all really.
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/05/2021 19:26

You do know what's going on but you don't want to face it. He's gone off the relationship and he's being too cowardly to tell you

I think this would be a good thing to accept now OP. He's handling it badly but it's clear he's checked out so you need to keep him deleted (well done for doing that!) and explore ways of moving on.

Is counselling something you'd be open to? I think it could be really beneficial for you so that you can have a more healthy perspective on relationships in future and be more confident in your own boundaries.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 22/05/2021 19:39

It's you again, why post when you do not listen?

Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 22/05/2021 19:40

I have listened and watched, and no I didn't want to face up to it. But I have.

OP posts:
CoelacanthSharpener · 22/05/2021 19:46

OP in another post you mention having just started on Sertraline, it might be messing with your emotions and general wellbeing. I've never taken it myself but I gather it can be a pig of a drug to get used to. You need to be really careful about drinking after starting a new med, too. I don't mean that in a remotely judgemental way, I'm just rather concerned.

It sounds like a tough time for you right now - really hope things improve soon. Flowers

CoelacanthSharpener · 22/05/2021 19:47

@SakuraEdenSwan1

It's you again, why post when you do not listen?
Why be so harsh on someone who's clearly in a difficult place right now?
Original poster
lostsoul1989 · 22/05/2021 19:53

@CoelacanthSharpener

OP in another post you mention having just started on Sertraline, it might be messing with your emotions and general wellbeing. I've never taken it myself but I gather it can be a pig of a drug to get used to. You need to be really careful about drinking after starting a new med, too. I don't mean that in a remotely judgemental way, I'm just rather concerned.

It sounds like a tough time for you right now - really hope things improve soon. Flowers

Yeah I know, I don't drink to be honest. But thank you for that.

U got put on it for menapause symptoms hence the medical procedure I had also.

OP posts: