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Original poster

Where did all the good men go in the UK?

477 replies

DadAManger · 21/05/2021 14:52

I am asking this for a friend - really!

I hear over and over now from my single friends over 30 that there is a massive shortfall in good quality men in the UK?

Do MN users and readers agree? What are your own experiences? Many happily married women on here I'm sure, so what's your view?

One thing I do notice myself - but don't necessarily share with my single friends (I like them) - is that a lot of them seem to have long lists of "must-have/must-be" points for a guy to be up to standard for them?

OP posts:
ErinTingey · 23/05/2021 15:10

On OLD a lot of them lie. Age, height, job etc.

Once went on a date with a man who seemed nice but arrived at the restaurant and announced he was teetotal. Had he said that in his profile I would never have been in contact.

coronaway · 23/05/2021 15:22

@ErinTingey Grin I hope you left there and then...

ErinTingey · 23/05/2021 15:29

@coronaway

I wish! I was far too polite. I ate my meal then once finished I tried to leave including getting the bill and putting my coat on but he kept talking and talking while I sat there in my winter coat. We said goodbye and he went in for a kiss. You've never seen someone move so fast into Covent Garden tube station Grin

RoseMartha · 23/05/2021 16:00

If you find any let me know

Seriously though, I am not looking as I am still unpicking myself from abusive exh, who continues to do his utmost to wield control in my life.

Maybe one day I will be ready to look

Gucci1961 · 23/05/2021 16:04

I know, the men lie about their age. I started out truthful but kept realising the man was 5 years older than he said he was. So then i ended up lying too. And then being judged for it. So ridiculous.

Original poster
DadAManger · 23/05/2021 16:36

I do think it is easier for people to lie on OLD than in the “good old days” of meeting in person, as many of used to do.

Before I got married, I caught the first wave of OLD but it was Match and a bit simpler then than the current tinder, Grindr et al. Interestingly, when I first filled my profile I got a reasonable number of responses only. However, I completed the profile with my job, which is perceived as ‘high status’ by some, with accurate income band, I started to receive 20-30 new messages per day. I also added my interest in modernist architecture too, so it may have been that, though I think not.

OP posts:
reallyreallyborednow · 23/05/2021 16:39

Once went on a date with a man who seemed nice but arrived at the restaurant and announced he was teetotal. Had he said that in his profile I would never have been in contact

Did he lie though and tell you he drank alcohol? Why is it such a big thing that you’d miss out on a potentially lovely bloke purely because of what he drinks?

Naunet · 23/05/2021 16:46

Then there are added bonuses which vary by woman, such as:
Attractive/fit/tall

Being sexually attracted to your partner should be a bonus for women?!! I don’t think so mate, I want to be with someone that I actually WANT to have sex with. That’s pretty important to me.

BinocularVision · 23/05/2021 17:33

@Naunet

Then there are added bonuses which vary by woman, such as: Attractive/fit/tall

Being sexually attracted to your partner should be a bonus for women?!! I don’t think so mate, I want to be with someone that I actually WANT to have sex with. That’s pretty important to me.

Yes, I thought that was pretty weird too -- also that 'good conversationalist' was listed as an 'added bonus'. I'm not sure how low your standards would have to be if you regarded 'someone I want to have sex with' and 'someone I want to talk to' as 'extras'. (Especially given a recent thread about how much people are bored by their spouses' conversation.)
Crikeyalmighty · 23/05/2021 17:51

An acquaintance of mine in her 40s , single mum of young teen basically said she wanted someone to help with her son, solvent, good looking, and stable but only ones available and working in a sexy creative industry. This is a pretty narrow field!!!

Oreo01 · 23/05/2021 18:25

@Gucci1961

I know, the men lie about their age. I started out truthful but kept realising the man was 5 years older than he said he was. So then i ended up lying too. And then being judged for it. So ridiculous.
Sorry but I chuckled at this one. I think on Tinder in particular it's terrible and you have to be a bit economical.with the truth as it's such a difficult site in terms of being all looks based etc.
Gucci1961 · 23/05/2021 18:30

Yeh, conversation and sex, if he can't make conversation and you don't want sex, why would you bother!? JUST WHY
Would rather be on my own. You can enjoy your own company. Or watch netflix or cook or do yoga or sleep or read. Having somebody you're not attracted to who can't make conversation there sounds awful.

Astonishing how low a bar women are expected to have (by some)

Crikeyalmighty · 23/05/2021 18:32

Ladies, I’m living in Scandinavia at the moment (am in my 50s and married ) the guys here in 30s and 40s seem mainly to be fit, tall, well dressed, intelligent and often havereally beautiful kids with them, shopping, buggies etc and are actually having intelligent non shouty conversations with them — I can certainly see why British women would go for them —

TomPinch · 23/05/2021 19:25

I haven't noticed British parents shouting at their kids whenever I've been back for a visit.

If be anything is it's the opposite. They - women and men - put on a slightly high pitched 'persuade the kids' voice, leaving me thinking FGS just tell them straight!!

Gwenhwyfar · 23/05/2021 19:27

@Crikeyalmighty

Ladies, I’m living in Scandinavia at the moment (am in my 50s and married ) the guys here in 30s and 40s seem mainly to be fit, tall, well dressed, intelligent and often havereally beautiful kids with them, shopping, buggies etc and are actually having intelligent non shouty conversations with them — I can certainly see why British women would go for them —
Do they ask women out or do they expect women to ask them out? And aren't they all married/settled by a certain age just like everywhere else? Plus if they're so gorgeous, why would they be interested in 'left on the shelf' women like us?
TomPinch · 23/05/2021 19:29

@Crikeyalmighty

Ladies, I’m living in Scandinavia at the moment (am in my 50s and married ) the guys here in 30s and 40s seem mainly to be fit, tall, well dressed, intelligent and often havereally beautiful kids with them, shopping, buggies etc and are actually having intelligent non shouty conversations with them — I can certainly see why British women would go for them —
@Crikeyalmighty

Just completely by the way, have you seen Force Majeure?

Just because I loved the film, in which the Scandinavian men all demonstrate stereotypical male failings, before having to redeem themselves in traditionally manly ways.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/05/2021 19:29

@TomPinch

Gwenhwyfar,

I don't recognise the idea that you might as well put off building a LTR until you're ready to have kids. I think it's a really strange idea and not one that was ever a thing among my male friends.

So among your male friends, was it always the men pushing to get serious, move in, get married, have children and the women being commitment phobes?
Gwenhwyfar · 23/05/2021 19:34

"Intelligence, not class.

Young, pretty and thick is fine for fun, but that combination objectively is marrying down - for men or for women - because marriage is meant to be a long-term thing and only one of these traits endures."

My question was to OP. I don't she (now realise it's probably a he?) talking about intelligence at all. She was talking about jobs/class.

KatherineJaneway · 23/05/2021 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/05/2021 19:51

"I think that last paragraph makes a lot of sense and would certainly explain the issue of there not being enough good men (well for that group of women at least)."

Well only for a minority of snobby women, not in general.

TalbotAMan · 23/05/2021 19:59

@KatherineJaneway

Did he lie though and tell you he drank alcohol? Why is it such a big thing that you’d miss out on a potentially lovely bloke purely because of what he drinks?

No, but not drinking is a big thing to miss out on a profile.

I am not interested in dating someone who doesn't drink alcohol. Just as I am not interested in dating a smoker. I don't have to justify my preferences to anyone.

Each to their own, of course, but I've never drunk alcohol. Were I in the position of writing an OLD profile, it certainly isn't something I'd consider worthy of comment. I probably wouldn't include the fact that I really, really, really dislike tomatoes either.
Misty9 · 23/05/2021 20:30

This has been a really interesting thread and I wonder what the situation was before online dating was much more mainstream. I think nowadays, online dating can be such a soul destroying experience that only the thick skinned survive perhaps?! I do think there are decent men post marriage - you've only got to read the many threads by women whose marriages have just died, no bad behaviour - but those men are likely not on online dating apps. So the real issue is how to connect up the decent genuine people who want relationships, whether that's first time round or third. Solve that issue and you'll be a millionaire I imagine...

Alcemeg · 23/05/2021 20:37

Music festivals.

ActuallyIveGotDental · 23/05/2021 20:52

@KatherineJaneway I think that's actually the shallowest thing I've ever read on here. Not being interested in a person because they don't drink alcohol? They reasons for that could range from previous personal experience, religious beliefs, family history, to simply not liking it or even medical conditions or medication! Someone not drinking alcohol doesn't affect another person in any way (unlike how actually drinking alcohol can) and can't be compared to smoking in any way- which can't not affect others!

I used to be teetotal, but still loved a good night out and for bonus was always the cheap taxi driver for my friends! It was religious reasons in my case. I'm not teetotal anymore but that doesn't change who I am as a person, how I behave, or how much fun I am or can have.

TomPinch · 23/05/2021 22:03

Gwenhwyfar

No, it was more that there was a general understanding that the point of dating was, ultimately, to find a life partner or at least LTR. Not that anyone (male or female) was really pushing it as such.