Emotional affair sexting and lust

[Lifeolife]

Iv been married 16 years together for 20 and I’m only 36. We have 3 kids 15,11 and 7 we have a beautiful home stable jobs lovely cars holidays etc but I don’t love or desire him. These feelings have gone on for years but I just put it all to the side to (keep up appearances) the thing is he’s a great bloke would do absolutely anything for me (no back bone) never says no to me. Which is not an attractive trait to have. Fast forward to the past two week and I got chatting to a guy at work (never met him in real life) we had banter and Iv never laughed so much it soon got flirty then it led to sexting one night it was amazing just all by txt no pictures or anything. I felt alive I felt sexy and desired! I was in a place of utter happiness I wasn’t a wife and a mother I was a person that was (wanted)

This has highlighted to me that this is what I’m missing this is what I crave (thought i didn’t like sex but oh my!!! I love it but just not with my husband. I don’t find him attractive but he’s a good stable hard working family man who deserves so much more than me. I told him everything and he said he will change but I keep saying (you don’t need to change) it’s the way I feel I can’t switch on a switch of love and desire for him.

I’m going to view a property this morning question is do I leave for the sake of wanting to be desired and for me to really really love and adore my lover or do I stay and live this boring stable life. My children’s lives would change but I would get therapy for them and give them stability love and emotional support. My dh would also always do the right thing by them emotionally and financially.

DH wants to give it a month but I can’t get the other guy of my mind he made me feel so good and is continuing to do so. He’s 40 never married or had kids (red flag perhaps) Iv got this guy on a pedestal. I’m so confused. Help!!!

@MrsRabbits Thankyou I completely understand your pain as I too felt pain and to others it’s ridiculous I was missing a man id not met. Good luck

@Xztop sorry you’ve experienced this too I feel so sick at the thought of this nonsense emotional affair ending it boosted my ego I guess.

That's exactly what it was and it was exactly the same for me too! I'd never met him either. He made me feel amazing! I cant explain it...
I posted on here about it and got roasted and to be fair the whole situation was ridiculous but you cant help how you feel!

@Xztop he made me feel utterly magic I think the fact I won’t meet him in that way makes me yearn for him more.

I had a whole life with this man imagined in my head so when it all went wrong I was devastated! I felt more upset when it ended with him than I did my husband after 13 years. I felt heart broken. This was January, it took me until April to be ok again. I had no one to talk to about it as it was such a fucked up situation. I still dont understand how, at my age too, I got so crazy over someone but what can you do?! You will heal in time.

@Xztop wonder why he ended up it’s so hurtful I’m scared of future relationships when people can just ghost you.

Op do you still love your dh? You can sort this out.
Talk to him. He has probably closed himself off. How were things in the past (has sex been good in the past) it will be a strange topic to bring up but I think he wouldn't mind as you have needs to be met only by him.

FAMILIARITY BREADS CONTENT .
I'm similar age in a relationship for 21years I do understand 4 grown up dcs. Also no love offered to me and I'm needy to. Its shit isn't it.

Watch the last few episodes of Motherland it’s like Julia and Garry the builder.

@Tomyoneandonly yes it’s shit

If this was a woman posting that she'd discovered her husband sexting someone else, the thread would be awash with people saying LTB.

Just an observation.

@ProcrastinationIsMySuperPower Your probably right

I personally think it sounds like you should split. I just don't think you should do so with this other man in mind, at all. Because you don't know him and he would shit himself anyway if you said you'd done so!

But your DH sounds lovely and deserves the chance to meet someone he can have a healthy and loving relationship with.

You can have the chance for that too if course.

Neither of you has the chance of it if you stay together because I think it sounds like you flat out aren't attracted to him and I don't think any amount of 'spicing it up' works when you literally aren't attracted to someone.

A horrible divorce and fighting parents would be damaging to your children of course but if you have an amicable split and both focus on coparenting healthily after you split, there's no reason to assume this will cause a lifelong trauma to your children. Lots of people get divorced and it's perfectly possible to do so kindly and with the kids best interests in mind.

@Lifeolife

I am many years post marriage break-up. My ExH had an affair. There are children. I felt undesired and while I tried to make it work it didn't. A catalyst is just that, it causes a reaction to speed up. Break ups are hard and there are some people (obviously not all, and everyone has their reasons for their own opinions) who think that when a man sets a foot wrong you should LTB but that when a woman dares to be human then they should never leave, they should stay in an unhappy marriage and suck it up. There are usually a lot of cries of destroying your children's lives (these cries are not always heard when it's LTB time)

You are human. You sexted a man. You had your reasons. We don't have the right to judge you to be honest. I seriously doubt anyone here is perfect. This has sparked something in you though and I suppose you need to decide if this something is fanciful or if the sexting was a symptom of your unhappiness.

You have told your husband which is great. Honesty is key if you are going to try to build anything. If you are going to try for the month you need to really try. Put everything into it. Therapy, date nights, relearning your old stories.

If you are genuinely unhappy then trust your gut. Staying together "for the sake of the kids" is not always what it's cracked up to be. Your children's impression of relationships will be based on what they see modelled in their own home.

A perfect husband on paper is not always the perfect husband for you. Also you have grown so so much since you were a teenager.

This guy is probably not what you think he is though. You have him on a pedastal at the moment because he is giving you what you need. The feeling of desire, the feeling of being a woman, the feeling of being yourself. Women get lost in the titles of "wife" and "mother" and a lot of what happens to us is fogetting who we are. Some of our loneliness can be traced to missing ourselves and who we were and who we still are but feel we can't let out. He is better kept at a distance until you know what you want. Months down the line. You need to concentrate on you and your children first.

As I said, I'm many years past this. I know it wasn't the same situation but my kids are great and I am great and I actually get on ok with my ExH. There is life after a marriage break up. Also remember your counsellor won't (or definitely shouldn't!) judge you for this. There are better days ahead.

@AnastasiaBeverleyHills thanks so much. I really appreciate your kind words my heads in bits why do I feel so needy towards this man.

[quote Lifeolife]@AnastasiaBeverleyHills thanks so much. I really appreciate your kind words my heads in bits why do I feel so needy towards this man.[/quote]
It could be a lot of reasons. A counsellor will help you tease it all out. Also, just to let you know, I have been a in a, very commited relationship for many years and it is possible to have butterflies and excitment and all those things after many years if you are with the right person. Don't undersell yourself though. You are worth more than the man who is sexting you.

Everyone who comes into our lives teaches us something. When he comes into your mind think about what lesson you are learning from this. It could be that you are still vibrant and alive, it could be that you have grown apart from your husband, it could be that you are deeply unhappy, it could be that you and your husband need to pay more attention to each other. Whatever it is, don't ignore it, sit with it and explore it. Let something good come from this

@AnastasiaBeverleyHills your like a breath of fresh air you also sound like a lovely person Thankyou again.

I don't know where to start... but have you told your DH about even any of this - when you say you've 'been honest? Only I think that when he finds out who you actually are - and how you've felt- he won't find it so difficult to call you out about being so spoilt.

And of course- as soon as that happens and you no longer feel safe and loved and secure in your marriage you will probably feel differently again.

If your DH does find someone he deserves - she is sure to be someone that you will envy. And you will see things differently again.

What you are going through is a consequence of being made to feel too safe, to secure and too indulged by a man who probably loves you. The cure to this is to be open and honest with how this has made you feel. He will kick himself because he thought he was making you happy while sacrificing his needs. Your honesty will get you a better more desirable husband, and you might become a better more open person yourself?

@Quirrelsotherface

Unfortunately OP you've posted in the wrong place. MN goes crazy if you admit to sexual desire for anyone other than your husband, doesn't matter if you're in a shit marriage or your husband is boring or not sexually compatible anymore or things have just run their fucking course, as happens in life. you're just meant to put up with it because you said your vows apparently.

Ultimately you will provide a happier home for your kids if you're happy and content and fulfilled yourself

Some people do, but others say it's right to leave!

What's different between this post and most of those other ones is that often a woman might say that they fancied someone else and that made them realise that their marriage was over!

The OP seems to want to end her marriage and jump straight into sex with the other man which is the worst thing that she could do if she wants to limit the harm to her children and to her childrens father.

@Lifeolife - I think this has just highlighted what is missing from your marriage. If you leave, then leave because it’s the right thing to do for you, not for this man.
Could you try couples counselling?

@SparklingStars10 yeah we have booked 6 weeks of it in thanks 🙏

I completely agree with everything @AnastasiaBeverleyHills said.

I think the feelings you have for this other man are not real and instead your chasing the excitement, being desired, feeling wanted. You need to explore whether your husband can still give you these feelings as it’s clearly something you need and want from a relationship. I would give it time and put the effort in, and if you feel that it’s a lost cause then you can leave the relationship knowing you tried. But do not leave the relationship for this other guy that you’ve never met as that’s just fantasy and temporary.

@Moonshine160 we are going to work at it for sure. Thankyou.

I don't think there is anything wrong with leaving because you are unhappy. But I think you are setting yourself up for a big fall if you leave for this bloke. You've had your head turned but there is a reasonable chance he is enjoying the chase and will go off you after he gets what he wants.
You paint your husband who will do anything for you as boring because of it. You did not have enough of men treating you poorly before you met him to appreciate the way he is. Not your fault just the way life turned out.
I think you owe it to yourself to get some marriage counselling before you bail from your marriage. And I mean this for your sake and just not your hubbies or even the kids. You come across as you are thinking the grass is greener on the other side but it is not always. You could be destroying a marriage you could be happy in with a few tweaks. If you have counselling and still want to leave the counselling will help you both process and prepare for the change.

I know 'the grass isn't always greener' is a really cliche saying but I believe in your situation, this is very fitting. You've been together a long time, the spark has dwindled. Sex can become routine and boring. But your partner/husband sounds as though he has some amazing qualities. You can get the 'spark' and attraction back. It just takes work. I tell you what, if you do separate, you will start seeing the attraction again when other women start showing interest in him. Because they will. Please reflect on how you will feel if and when he starts speaking to and dating other women?? There are plenty of women out there who will appreciate him.

@sebaz674 true and Thankyou