Emotional affair sexting and lust

[Lifeolife]

Iv been married 16 years together for 20 and I’m only 36. We have 3 kids 15,11 and 7 we have a beautiful home stable jobs lovely cars holidays etc but I don’t love or desire him. These feelings have gone on for years but I just put it all to the side to (keep up appearances) the thing is he’s a great bloke would do absolutely anything for me (no back bone) never says no to me. Which is not an attractive trait to have. Fast forward to the past two week and I got chatting to a guy at work (never met him in real life) we had banter and Iv never laughed so much it soon got flirty then it led to sexting one night it was amazing just all by txt no pictures or anything. I felt alive I felt sexy and desired! I was in a place of utter happiness I wasn’t a wife and a mother I was a person that was (wanted)

This has highlighted to me that this is what I’m missing this is what I crave (thought i didn’t like sex but oh my!!! I love it but just not with my husband. I don’t find him attractive but he’s a good stable hard working family man who deserves so much more than me. I told him everything and he said he will change but I keep saying (you don’t need to change) it’s the way I feel I can’t switch on a switch of love and desire for him.

I’m going to view a property this morning question is do I leave for the sake of wanting to be desired and for me to really really love and adore my lover or do I stay and live this boring stable life. My children’s lives would change but I would get therapy for them and give them stability love and emotional support. My dh would also always do the right thing by them emotionally and financially.

DH wants to give it a month but I can’t get the other guy of my mind he made me feel so good and is continuing to do so. He’s 40 never married or had kids (red flag perhaps) Iv got this guy on a pedestal. I’m so confused. Help!!!

@AnneLovesGilbert I know

What if you throw it all away and he's not actually interested In being with you?
You end up alone with a bloke you sexted once. Doesn't mean you'll do it again. Doesn't mean you'll have sex. Doesn't mean you're attracted to him in real life, he might be utterly shit in bed and you've thrown away an amazing life, and damaged the relationship with your children - because you sex text someone once.

Honestly - listen to yourself. You've put a guy on a pedestal you've NEVER met, and only spoken to for two bloody weeks!!!

You really need to calm down and stop. You will be so full of regret. This is honestly bat shit op. Stop.

You sound like the ow who seeks destruction. Ive denied advantages because of my dcs. I've had so many opportunities with men and not been a single woman to take them eventhough I would've been so much better of but my dcs would've suffered. Now my man is having an emotional affair and is emotionally abusive. He has also told me he is jealous of me so that's why he is doing it. He wants to do anything to hurt me as I've given all I can. I sound like your dh you sound like my stbex.

OM has started to ghost me a bit and I feel myself checking when he was last active like a stalker

He's not interested. He got phone sex, got what he wanted, he's probably online doing the same with someone else. He's not interested in a relationship with you. He doesn't know you. You could have damaged your marriage, your future for a cheap thrill. I would be apologising profusely to your Dh and hope to god you can work it out.

@Lifeolife I've been with my husband since I was 16 and we've been together 24 years now he has all the qualities your husband has and I would not swap him for anything. My friend same situation as me started sexting a man because she was bored wanted excitement she was consumed by it she slept with him and poof he was gone he didn't want the baggage of her family it was all just a bit of fun and her marriage is in tatters and it can't be repaired shes miserable . After so long together you probably don't want to rip your husband clothes off its no unusual after being in a relationship so long at all but please don't think the grass is greener op it isn't if it looks that way water your own lawn first and do everything you can to save it.

Leaving your DH because your not happy is one thing but to throw yours, your DH and your kids lives into chaos for the thrill of a 2 week txt affair is baffling. Clearly you need to address the emotional disconnect with your husband and work out whether you want to fix your relationship or not.
I would suggest getting counselling to try and unpick why your so unhappy and what it is that needs changing rather than this knee jerk reaction as tbh it doesn't sound like you've really thought this through. Are you truly happy to see your kids split their time between you and your DH? To only have every other Xmas with them? To potentially have them decide they might want to live with DH and not you? How would you feel if your DH moved on to a new relationship and then you had a step mother figure in your children's lives?Would you be so happy leaving your DH if the OM didn't want to pursue a relationship with you? These are the things you need to really contemplate as the fantasy of being single may not stack up with the reality.

@PeraltasWife amazing advice Thankyou

Clearly you need to address the emotional disconnect with your husband and work out whether you want to fix your relationship or not.

I think this quote from PeraltasWife is exactly it.

Joint and individual counselling is worthwhile even if it's to detangle your relationship as peacefully as possible. You've said that he doesn't chat much, and that he's said he'll change but hasn't so maybe counselling will be a good space for him to actually take on board how lonely you're feeling in your marriage. Whether he does anything like that, or if you'll want him if he does is a different matter.

I think someone suggested it ealier a hobby you start together might bring some closeness back. Something left field for both of you so you're equally vulnerable starting something new?

Leaving for the sexting guy isn't really a great plan and he won't stick around. As others have said, he'll only want this when it's no strings.

@Tomyoneandonly I’m
Sorry to hear what your going through yes I do sound like him how awful

[quote Lifeolife]@Orangesand yeah I think I would be guttered also guttered If he didn’t have the morals of my dh and then where would I be ( I get it ) just feel so confused. Thanks for your post[/quote]
Well he's sexting a married colleague so I would say he definitely doesn't have the morals of your DH?

You literally don't know this man so you're projecting an image of the things you feel your DH is lacking on to him. You don't know him.

One of the most boring, predictable dilemmas in human existence.
You're going to find that guys who seem fun and sexy to women are good at seeming fun and sexy to women because they're well-practiced at the initial stages of attraction which, for men, often revolves around seeming fun and sexy to a woman for just long enough for fun and sex.
Unless you're sure that there's something special about yourself that will put you above all of the women he's met and not married or had kids with, you're likely ending your marriage for a couple of shags.
It sounds like you should do it anyway, but don't pin any hopes on the new guy.

OP, it was pretty brave of you to post this given how many people think women ought to stash their libidos and forget about ever enjoying sex once husband and children are involved. Your situation is fraught and horrible, but it's also a very good thing to know that you can enjoy a hot connection with somebody after years of thinking that just want you. I agree with posters saying that the om is a symptom here, not a cause and not a solution. It's good that you're talking to your husband - this might be the start of working on the sex side of your marriage. It also might be that you and your husband are just not compatible that way, and you'll have to make a choice at the end. Good luck with it - I really hope you can enjoy discovering all the things that you at 16 didn't know about yourself, and do it without putting yourself and your family through the wringer.

I think if you really don't find your husband attractive and want more from a relationship, it's kinder to split now so he has the chance to meet someone who loves him the way it sounds like he loves you, as well as giving you the chance to meet someone you're happy with too.

It's unfair to stay with him when physically you feel nothing towards him IMO.

My children’s lives would change but I would get therapy for them

That sounds incredibly callous.

Your life will implode
Press the pause button

You don’t want to rip your DH clothes off so you think it’s ok to have sex with some other guy, in effect causing your kids a great deal of heartache . Btw your idea that you can just end your marriage and get some therapy for your kids , like oh that will make everything ok , shows you to be immature and short sighted .
Agree with other pp , he’s getting involved with a married woman with kids , he doesn’t care . He has no morals whatsoever, but neither do you by all accounts ,

It's not unusual to feel like this in a long term relationship. Nobody will criticise you for feeling frustrated at the lack of desire and passion with your DH, no matter how much of an upstanding, lovely bloke he is. It's human nature to want to feel wanted.

But... leaving the marriage because you've been sexting someone for 2 weeks is simply ridiculous. Yes, it's all thrilling and exciting but you've never even met this guy! Chances of him wanting a relationship with you are slim. Be realistic.

Couples counselling will help you decide if you want to stay in your marriage or divorce. If the latter, then do it in a calm, measured way. Running off on a whim into the arms of a virtual stranger will damage your future relationship with your DC and your DH.

You leave because you're not happy with your current life.

Then live a little as a free woman

Then if this guy is still around start dating.

It’s pretty miserable and soul destroying to live without lust and desire. Not for everyone but it would be for me.

This is nothing to do with the other man though, forget him.

Your husband does sound like a bit of a wet lettuce, I’m not surprised he doesn’t turn you on.

An open relationship sounds like it might be worth thinking about? How would you feel about your husband sleeping so the other women? Worth a discussion before leaving at least maybe?

*sleeping with other women

@JudyGemstone he said he’s not interested in other woman one bit. Yeah on paper he is perfect but as you put it a wet lettuce isn’t sexy and although he gives me everything I want I something want him to say actually no I don’t agree blah blah blah you get me ? He’s so sensible and I would feel embarrassed sexting him because he’s more of a caring father ahhhhhhhh I’m so confused

Yeah I think if that dynamic has never been there it’s very hard to find it. But different if it used to be there but has inevitably faded over the years.

There are men who ‘allow’ their wives to sleep with other men, it’s not unheard of. You need to have a very good level of communication and honesty between you but it’s possible.

[quote Lifeolife]@JudyGemstone he said he’s not interested in other woman one bit. Yeah on paper he is perfect but as you put it a wet lettuce isn’t sexy and although he gives me everything I want I something want him to say actually no I don’t agree blah blah blah you get me ? He’s so sensible and I would feel embarrassed sexting him because he’s more of a caring father ahhhhhhhh I’m so confused[/quote]
Don't you think you should do the right thing and end the relationship so he has the chance to meet someone he can be happy with, who really loves him in the way he seems to love you?

You want the chance to meet someone who fulfils your needs but he deserves that too.

This man from work is a total red herring. He's just a prick who wanted to wank off to a married woman sexting him.

He would be mortified and embarrassed if you even suggested leaving your marriage for him!

But I still think you should leave it. Not to shag this bloke, but because it's the right thing to do instead of keeping your husband around until something better (in your opinion) comes along. That's cruel, don't you think?

@JudyGemstone

Yeah I think if that dynamic has never been there it’s very hard to find it. But different if it used to be there but has inevitably faded over the years.

There are men who ‘allow’ their wives to sleep with other men, it’s not unheard of. You need to have a very good level of communication and honesty between you but it’s possible.

The problem is that in this dynamic, OP needs to take charge of what happens next because if her DH is besotted with her and wants to stay together desperately, he may agree to something like OP being able to have sex outside the marriage - even though it would be crippling for him emotionally. And OP doesn't want an open relationship I don't think, she wants to have what she has now PLUS sexual connection - I think she would leave him very quickly if she liked one of the men she was having sex with outside the marriage as she seems to be extremely easily caught up in someone extremely quickly if this sexting guy is anything to go by.

Give it the month, you have a lot to lose. The grass isn't always greener..your husband sounds lovely worth holding on to & your being a bit selfish. Of course the other guy sounds great he's single with no ties.