Emotional affair sexting and lust

[Lifeolife]

Iv been married 16 years together for 20 and I’m only 36. We have 3 kids 15,11 and 7 we have a beautiful home stable jobs lovely cars holidays etc but I don’t love or desire him. These feelings have gone on for years but I just put it all to the side to (keep up appearances) the thing is he’s a great bloke would do absolutely anything for me (no back bone) never says no to me. Which is not an attractive trait to have. Fast forward to the past two week and I got chatting to a guy at work (never met him in real life) we had banter and Iv never laughed so much it soon got flirty then it led to sexting one night it was amazing just all by txt no pictures or anything. I felt alive I felt sexy and desired! I was in a place of utter happiness I wasn’t a wife and a mother I was a person that was (wanted)

This has highlighted to me that this is what I’m missing this is what I crave (thought i didn’t like sex but oh my!!! I love it but just not with my husband. I don’t find him attractive but he’s a good stable hard working family man who deserves so much more than me. I told him everything and he said he will change but I keep saying (you don’t need to change) it’s the way I feel I can’t switch on a switch of love and desire for him.

I’m going to view a property this morning question is do I leave for the sake of wanting to be desired and for me to really really love and adore my lover or do I stay and live this boring stable life. My children’s lives would change but I would get therapy for them and give them stability love and emotional support. My dh would also always do the right thing by them emotionally and financially.

DH wants to give it a month but I can’t get the other guy of my mind he made me feel so good and is continuing to do so. He’s 40 never married or had kids (red flag perhaps) Iv got this guy on a pedestal. I’m so confused. Help!!!

It's strange as you get older sometimes ripping each other's clothes off and the lust isn't quite as important. Feeling loved, having a caring loving, good father to your children someone who will look after you in crap times and illnesses they become far more important. Being emotionally connected and good friends.

The other man sounds like a narcissistic player who knows how to push a certain type of women's buttons - long term married, bored women. Stay well away!

It's really good you can talk to DH about this. I think you need some couple time away and maybe some counselling to see if you can get back your feelings of sexual excitement.
It really sounds like it would be a huge shame to split up. Living apart from your kids is no fun (I'm 50/50 care with exH) and if I were you I'd be doing everything to see if I could get my marriage back on track.

Listen (and I get the feeling you don't do that very well). Your marriage is probably over. I totally understand where you are coming from. I think it is almost impossible for a relationship to last when you were basically children when you bonded. You want to find out what else life has to offer for you. I get it.

But the bloke and the texting is illusion. ILLUSION. It's your broken and stultified self breaking out. You need to get a grip. I've had so many lusting texting 'encounters' I've lost count - all nothing - but then again I'm experienced enough to know that. You are not. Accept that or else you will get burned and end up making an idiot of yourself and hurting your children and their father unnecessarily.

What you don't know is that there are men out there who go looking for women like you - it's a speciality. Think you are different and this is different? Yea - I used to think that in the beginning. You have no clue what is out there and who you are talking to. None.

Stop the texting with the invisible man, move out, take a breather. Start dating properly. It will longer than a few months.

I dont mean this in a horrible way op but it sounds like your the one that needs the therapy (marriage counselling) not your children...

The grass is very rarely greener, OP. Think very very carefully else you may live to regret your decisions

I've had so many lusting texting 'encounters' I've lost count - all nothing - but then again I'm experienced enough to know that. You are not. Accept that or else you will get burned and end up making an idiot of yourself and hurting your children and their father unnecessarily. What you don't know is that there are men out there who go looking for women like you - it's a speciality. Think you are different and this is different? You have no clue what is out there and who you are talking to. None.

Absolutely bang on!

@youvegottenminuteslynn spot on

[quote Lifeolife]@youvegottenminuteslynn spot on[/quote]
So what are you going to do?

Don't string your DH along until something 'better' (in your opinion) comes along, it's cruel.

I actually think this is a warning not to get together too young. Op has literally never had an adult relationship with anyone else.

So glad I met dh late twenties I properly appreciate him after 2 other long term relationships and a couple of years dating.

@Lifeolife
Why don't you do the right thing by your kids and husband and stay single/away from men for a while if you do split?

If you're intending to leave and jump straight into bed with another man then you risk causing so much further pain to your husband and to your children.

Treat this situation with the respect that it deserves. A family breaking up, and untangling many parts of your life, getting used to being on your own and the new dynamics of co-parenting after a break up and then you will all be in a healthier place

It's like you're not considering that possibility at all, you just sound excited about this other man!! after only 2 weeks!!

The break up of a family is a SERIOUS thing, one that can be defining or one of the worst things to happen in some of the family members lives and often the way a break up is handled will define the co-parenting relationship going forward forever more!

@youvegottenminuteslynn I’m going to do the right thing and go to therapy with my husband to try and rekindle any spark. I think viewing this property this morning showed me what I would have if I left (it was shit) I totally need therapy

@MsTSwift absolutely that!!!
I will discourage any 20 year old to wait to settle down.

I want to say a huge Thankyou to all of you that have took the time to post. I have honestly took everything on board and I’m so glad Iv had the criticism (this is what I needed) my children deserve to come from a stable home and moving out with create turmoil!! I’m sorry if I came across as matter of fact when I said I would get my kids therapy I typed quick and it does sound childish.

That feeling of being wanted as a sexual being was amazing and yes it’s absolutely crazy after 2 weeks (lost half a stone been living on adrenaline) my husband watches tv in living room I watch tv in bed he also sleeps at the bottom of the bed (cooler apparently) we don’t kiss. He’s terrified of me leaving but sometimes I think is it just a habit I mean 20 years is a life time! He would rather we just carry on co habituating then not have me at all but I want friendship laughter communication and sex. I want to find him attractive (attractive to me isn’t about looks it can be intelligence or someone who makes you laugh. My dh is so sensible never seems to laugh but I guess Iv stopped noticing.

@Flatpancakes23 I absolutely need therapy your right about that. Iv also learnt that I’m very needy if I was in a new relationship I just know I would be needy and obsessive ( wonder where that comes from?)

Unfortunately OP you've posted in the wrong place. MN goes crazy if you admit to sexual desire for anyone other than your husband, doesn't matter if you're in a shit marriage or your husband is boring or not sexually compatible anymore or things have just run their fucking course, as happens in life. you're just meant to put up with it because you said your vows apparently.

Ultimately you will provide a happier home for your kids if you're happy and content and fulfilled yourself

@Quirrelsotherface Thankyou

OP- wise up. This is nonsense.

@Quirrelsotherface

Unfortunately OP you've posted in the wrong place. MN goes crazy if you admit to sexual desire for anyone other than your husband, doesn't matter if you're in a shit marriage or your husband is boring or not sexually compatible anymore or things have just run their fucking course, as happens in life. you're just meant to put up with it because you said your vows apparently.

Ultimately you will provide a happier home for your kids if you're happy and content and fulfilled yourself

No MN doesn't go crazy. However, ditching a marriage because of a bit of sexting from a man she hasn't even met and hasn't ever been in a committed relationship at age 40 is just plain stupid.

I finsihed with my fiance of a decade because I stopped being in love with him and I haven't regretted my decision. However , we didn't have children and it wasn't because of a little bit of attention from someone else. And in hindsight, he was and still is an amazing man and could have done with someone giving me the advice to try and rekindle things. Because my relationships between him and my current boyfriend have been with controlling, jealous, or men with issues. I equated that with passion and it isn't.

Respect and love is wonderful. You just have to harness it and give it the love that it deserves.

But yes, if she tries to make her marriage work but despite that, she still feels the same, then absolutely finish the marriage. But try to save it first and if she ends up single, then is the time to explore other relationships or sex with other men.

@Sakurami I don’t disagree

I had a relationship from 19-25. You change so much when in those years! Now in my 40s I’m a completely different person to that young girl. I also felt the chemistry died a death with this guy and it was routine and boring. I understand how you feel. I told him how I felt and he started trying to do spontaneous things but they really weren’t him and were cringe at times. I can’t imagine what we would’ve been like by now if we’d got married and had dc. I would definitely feel like you.
Perhaps you do need to separate if you don’t fancy him anymore and are susceptible to affairs. Perhaps you just need to get out there and have more fun in life generally, find the fun elsewhere if not with him.
Whatever you do, you have to give this decent guy and your dc the best chance possible and work on your marriage first. If you have to leave - do it respectfully and not with OM in the wings ( this latest one - just forget him) good luck

The sexting man is the catalyst you need to make changes. Stop contacting him. It was just a warning sign that your marriage isn't right.
Personally, once those feelings of love and desire go, that's it. I split from my STBXH 4 yrs ago and have no regrets. However, my DH wasn't such a nice man as you describe yours. I still see him due to DC and I absolutely 100% made the right choice. Life isn't easy being a single Mum but it's far better than living a lie and just going through the motions.
If, after some form of therapy/reflection and making an effort with your DH (and him with you), it doesn't work, at least you know you've tried your best. You can then hold your head high, split amicably and co-parent successfully.

@Lifeolife I think you’ve concluded this yourself from all the advice you’ve had but from my own experience I would urge you to end things immediately with the sexting guy. Do not allow yourself to get sucked in. It becomes a complete addiction. The chemicals released when you’re in this situation totally take over and you keep coming back for more and more because it makes you feel brilliant, you want bigger and bigger hits. I’ve just been ghosted after several months having an emotional and sexting affair with someone. The pain is unimaginable. I can’t function right now. I am not able to be a good mother at the moment and my kids both need me right now for different reasons. I am completely incapacitated with the loss of this person who I have never met, who I thought I’d fallen in love with. I know how ridiculous that sounds to normal sane people but that is my reality. I’m normally an intelligent fully functioning adult albeit in a really unhappy marriage that for good reasons I feel trapped in. My husband is a good man too, we’ve just lost our way and each other. Please please end it and don’t look back. Get therapy to work out your next moves. Follow the advice of the people on here who’ve suggested counselling and working on your marriage. I feel like I’ve let my kids down badly and will have to deal with that guilt.

My DH never says no to me or the DC's (grown up) either. We all adore him for it.

OP, Despite what some other have said I really feel for you, I was in a very similar situation, I had split with my husband (who sounds just like your husband) by the time this other man came on the scene, sadly for me it went very wrong but I realised it was a teenage crush 20 odd years too late!!
If you want to leave for YOU then do it but dont leave for another man.

@MrsRabbits
I hope you're ok, I have been through the same thing recently. It's so hard but you will feel better. It's taken me 3 months but I'm ok now