Now and then there’s a fool such as I

[mcvities]

I can’t believe I’ve become such a cliche and have become yet another victim of the script.

I still feel sick and numb with shock.

10 years ago, I had my own home, career the works but moved in with the man I thought was the love of my life. He was newly divorced with a young child and was so loving and caring. He told me were connected and soul mates and was able to talk to me in a way he had never managed with his ex wife. Being with me was the first and only time in a relationship where he felt his happiness had come first. Parumph

Fast forward to three years ago and he suffers a sudden bereavement. Up to this point he had adored me openly and publicly, we had a child, married and I had sold my house, cut back on my hours at work and put the whole lot into a place together. He had no equity but a high earner

Within a couple of months, he had become cold and distant and kept denying anything was wrong. Eventually he admitted that he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore. I repeatedly asked if there was anyone else, which of course was denied. He suggested marriage guidance counselling which we went to but still denied seeing anyone else and things slowly seemed to get back on track, although never quite the same. I assumed it was grief

Fool that I am, we went along merrily making plans and I left my job recently. Something I never thought I would do but was happy to at the time

He came home this evening confessing to an emotional and full blown affair. She is the real deal and the only person he was truly able to ever talk to. He is beside himself at the appalling way he has treated her by continually promising her he would leave horrible old me but was too much of a coward to leave, he says. He has seen the light that she is the love of his life and the only person he could ever talk to. He was only staying for our child

It came to a head as she asked again if he had left me and then said, in that case, she has met someone

He is distraught at the thought of what might have been and missing out on his grand vision of the future. Life is too short for him to stay in a dull, routine and if he hadn’t been so unhappy, he would never have cheated.

He said that we never have sex, I pointed out we did recently but apparently it didn’t count as it wasn’t ‘proper sex’

Wow, just wow. I feel so awful. I’m a cliche victim of the script aren’t I. My dc will be just so heart broken

This will be ‘the first time ever’ he has put himself first

I feel like I can’t breathe

Don't beat yourself up over it,!! It's just life's path / fate. has taken him 1 way and so it will with you.. nobody knows what's around the corner,?? In meantime capitolise on your newfound freedom / singleness

Thanks @Ardvark111, I just feel like a fool for giving up my job. Trip to solicitor and job hunting I think. I’m still in shock and a bit of denial

You're not a fool. How could you have known? You were together in a wonderful relationship up until a few years ago.

It's shit how he's rewriting history to suit himself

Thank you @Sakurami. He is being so cold, he says he can’t understand why I didn’t just know he was unhappy without him saying anything

He says he has been telling me every day that he loves me to keep up appearances. Such a coward to not say anything for years like that and to not mention a word in counselling. I’ve no idea why he ever wanted to go to the marriage counselling now

Are you married?

Yes @QueenOfPain, we’ve been married for 10 years

So sorry this has happened to you. It happens to the best of us.

You are in a strong position knowing the bs that they come out with in these situations.

It will likely go tits up with the other woman and he'll come crawling back but hopefully by then you won't care. It sounds like you have not been happy for some time. Ask him to move out ASAP, no comforts of home for him if he wants to leave, he'll soon realise how "unhappy" he was and in meantime you can have space and time to heal. Call friends and family to lean on, one day at a time.

@mcvities
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You will get plenty of sound advice and support here but wanted to say please don’t beat yourself up, save your energy for all that will need to be done.

Admonishing yourself about decisions made in good faith won’t help, plenty of women me included were taken in and then made concessions which with hindsight were detrimental.

Deep breath - call on any help you can to get through this
💐

Thank you for your kind replies

I think I must have had that gut feeling for a while. I thought he was depressed and didn’t altogether twig there would be someone else. In denial I think. I never thought he was that sort of man. He says he is depressed and suicidal at one point but OW saved him

He’s been detached for a while, going through the motions but it’s the criticism of our life together that hurt the most. None of it was his fault, he just fell in love with someone less boring

That’s great advice @arcof, I will stop cooking, washing etc now. I would like him to leave now but he wants to find somewhere to rent first. He’s giving me 6 months to find a job, maintenance wise

I’m job hunting in the morning but also need to get some legal advice

He wants to implode his life, hates it all and wants to leave his well paid job. He feels he has missed a massive opportunity not investing in OWs business and living with her when he had the chance

He also has a large amount of savings in his name only, I think he’s going to try and hide or spend it all

Tell him you are not interested in hearing about the OW or how you compare or what he thinks he's missed out on.

Tell him to get his bags packed and find somewhere else to go. Do not, under any circumstances, agree to leave the family home yourself.

Get yourself some legal advice (and yes, a job) ASAP

You are young, resilient and you will get through this.

I’ve cut all verbal contact to the bare minimum @IWantAllTheDogsInTheWorld. Just discussing essential things only.

You’re right, I really don’t want any more info about OW. The worst thing will be telling our 9 year old, he was crying at bed time when his dad disappeared off for a few hours

I’m going to focus on him and me now. I’m so done with men. We had DC late and I’m 50 now. My first husband cheated too but we were much younger and there were no children involved

Im sorry youre going through this OP. i think its so harsh that he is being so detailed in telling you things like he should have invested in her business. I agree with the other posters, you need to accept that -atleast for now- he is done with you. I know its really hard, but The sooner you accept that he "doesnt want you" the better off you'll be.
He clearly thinks he deserves to be happy and you are an obstacle to the happy new life he thinks he deserves.
I would advice you to act as though it were already 6 months down the line and you have cut ties with him for good

Its unfortunate you quit your job and therefore are now dependent on him, that might have been the final trigger, if he felt he wasnt happy with you, then knowing he was even "more responsible" for you might have pushed him to take action. Its a really sad situation and I hope you and your DC make it out OK

As is often the advice on here in these situations; discreetly go through all of the paperwork ASAP (his and yours) and get copies or phone scans of absolutely everything, including AND ESPECIALLY those savings/policies/pensions which are in his name only.
Try to find any electronic conversations (WhatsApp, texts, emails, etc) you may have had about going part time at work/ultimately leaving your job for the benefit of the children, etc.

You can take good scans on an iPhone if you have one.
Open the notes app > open a new note > click the camera icon > select “Scan Documents”. Practice a little bit first as it can be a bit tricky to get used to. You might want to open a new note for each series of documents, I.e. ID/passports, marriage certificate, Savings joint, Savings his, Savings yours, Mortgage/house deeds, Pensions, etc.

Upgraded apple storage costs £2.99 a month if you need it, and it’s up to 1terabyte of storage from what I remember, more then you’ll ever need.

Good luck x

It sounds crazy but part of me is waiting for someone to shout ‘surprise, only joking’

It doesn’t feel real

Yes I need to accept this is real now @Sampafie

I’m mostly angry about the multiple conversations we had about giving up work. He was all for it, I always vowed I would never leave a job unless I had another to go to. Time to brush up my CV

@QueenOfPain I will try and get my hands on as much as possible. He’s currently offered me the house but he may soon change his tune. I will remember that conversation and think I need to see a solicitor sooner rather than later

It’s the cruelty I find the hardest. It’s like nothing or no one matters in his pursuit of happiness. Its done with now and I seem to cope in segments of an hour or so at a time

Hey OP i would absolutely NOT rely on what "he said" to have any standing because odds are if he doesnt outright deny saying it he will claim he said it when his emotional state was unstable and thus you shouldnt be able to hold him accountable. You REALLY really need to understand that this man is done with you. In his eyes, everyday he is NOT spending his time and/or money on the new woman of his dreams, is another day he is "suffering" and so he will be singularly focused on getting his current life in alignment with what he feels his true life (with her) should look like.
If you talk to him from here on out, have him sign every statement he makes pertaining to the house. It musnt be printed out, but TRUST ME. The second you try to hold him accountable, by e.g. saying Ok then sign this, that I have 6 months to get on my feet money wise,he will IMMEDIATELY change his tune, and show you his true colors. If I were you Id be getting copies of as many documents as possible. You really have no time to lose, if anything, HE is still in a daze and will soon snp out of it, then the gloves will be off with you and he might be a lot less accomodating.
Esp. If hes on a clock or an ultimatum set by the OW. You need to hurry

What a selfish idiot he is op. You are a million times off better without anyone capable of this deceit.

Please gather evidence of his savings and joint savings. And his pension. Get your passport and sons documents.

And then tell him to get out. You can't heal with him there. If he has nowhere to go that's his problem.

He doesn't get to decide what happens to the house, that's for the solicitors.

If you've had a good job before you will have one again. Could you contact your former work? Would you want to go back?

Move a chunk (or all) of the joint money into your account so he cant leave you without cash. Don't assume anything with him. He's proved he can't be trusted.

Focus on you and your son and get some real life support. You will get thru this. I know it's painful.

They always rewrite history. So tedious. The alternative is facing up to the reality of what they've done and many men are too selfish and dishonest to do that.

Agree 're the rewriting history. They do it as they can't be the bad guy can they? Also remember he is months ahead of you in planning. 🌷🌷🌺🌼

Get as much paperwork copied as you can, pensions, savings, mortgage statements etc

Strike whilst the iron is hot, he's offered the house as he's feeling guilty, the guilt will only last so long. See a solicitor and start it all straight away.

You can do this op, you'll be fine and back to full strength soon. You are not an idiot, HE is.

@mcvities

He also has a large amount of savings in his name only, I think he’s going to try and hide or spend it all

It's all marital assets afaik- get a solicitor ASAP.

You have very astutely recognised that it's the sane script he gave you when he met you. This is clearly his character/MO and he clearly dud the same to his first wife/partner, whether someone else was involved or not.

He's sounds like a narc.

Oh gosh. This is a classic script case, I'm so sorry OP. The pain and confusion is unlike anything else. You described my ex husband almost exactly.

Like other Pp say, try and get copies of documents, if you have substantial joint savings then move 50% to you or freeze the account. Sadly you may be right about his savings, expect them to vanish.

I was offered a generous settlement verbally at the start and should have marched him down to the solicitors there and then to sign it legally! The window for remorse and generous offers is very small.

You will be ok in the end though x

Sounds like narcissistic idealisation and discard etc.