Now and then there’s a fool such as I

[mcvities]

I can’t believe I’ve become such a cliche and have become yet another victim of the script.

I still feel sick and numb with shock.

10 years ago, I had my own home, career the works but moved in with the man I thought was the love of my life. He was newly divorced with a young child and was so loving and caring. He told me were connected and soul mates and was able to talk to me in a way he had never managed with his ex wife. Being with me was the first and only time in a relationship where he felt his happiness had come first. Parumph

Fast forward to three years ago and he suffers a sudden bereavement. Up to this point he had adored me openly and publicly, we had a child, married and I had sold my house, cut back on my hours at work and put the whole lot into a place together. He had no equity but a high earner

Within a couple of months, he had become cold and distant and kept denying anything was wrong. Eventually he admitted that he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore. I repeatedly asked if there was anyone else, which of course was denied. He suggested marriage guidance counselling which we went to but still denied seeing anyone else and things slowly seemed to get back on track, although never quite the same. I assumed it was grief

Fool that I am, we went along merrily making plans and I left my job recently. Something I never thought I would do but was happy to at the time

He came home this evening confessing to an emotional and full blown affair. She is the real deal and the only person he was truly able to ever talk to. He is beside himself at the appalling way he has treated her by continually promising her he would leave horrible old me but was too much of a coward to leave, he says. He has seen the light that she is the love of his life and the only person he could ever talk to. He was only staying for our child

It came to a head as she asked again if he had left me and then said, in that case, she has met someone

He is distraught at the thought of what might have been and missing out on his grand vision of the future. Life is too short for him to stay in a dull, routine and if he hadn’t been so unhappy, he would never have cheated.

He said that we never have sex, I pointed out we did recently but apparently it didn’t count as it wasn’t ‘proper sex’

Wow, just wow. I feel so awful. I’m a cliche victim of the script aren’t I. My dc will be just so heart broken

This will be ‘the first time ever’ he has put himself first

I feel like I can’t breathe

It is not you who is a fool but him. You sound level headed and capable and I am sure you will be able to make a good life for you and your son.

Speak to a solicitor before getting a job, his “6 months of maintenance” can fuck off it’s not up to him to decide.

Yes eventually you absolutely should get a job but for now he can pay through the nose for the situation he’s put you in.

Remember he won't be so appealing to ow when he is juggling Cms, solicitors fees /appointments and a job..
And an unhappy dc...
Nowt like dampening a budding relationship than a dc who isn't happy..

@mcvities really sorry this has happened to you. It is not your fault, and you are not a fool. Also know that you will be ok. It doesn’t seem like it now, but it honestly will be.

Do get advice and do remember that guilt has a short shelf life, and it’s ok to take advantage of that and get an agreement that works for you.

We've all done it in one form or another and it's such a cruel and hard lesson to learn.
The main thing now is to salvage whatever you can and get through this awful time. You will be ok x

Bloody hell what a wanker.

Of course, we can all see what's Gona happen. He will tell OW he has left you thinking she will have open arms, they might see each other on and off for a bit but inevitably she will choose the other guy and your husband will try and come crawling back to you. Well fuck him!

Do not agree to anything without it going through a solicitor.
Try and find a bank statement of the account with his savings. In fact, get as much paperwork together as possible.
Poor you, this is heart wrenching.

Don't beat yourself up . There are people that are serial "ship jumpers". They are very hard to spot because they are capable of having long term and committed relationships. That doesn't change the fact that they will eventually jump ship. It's incredibly hard to spot the pattern over years and years.

See a solicitor, figure it all out and start hob hunting. Once your financial future is secured you can try and untangle the emotional mess. His guilt won't last long, and the rewriting of history is already showing he's now the victim in his head and starting to distance himself.

Sorry you are going through this but you mustnt beat yourself up.

He wouldve been happy those years he never said otherwise but telling himself he was unhappy makes him feel better and less guilty. Thats why hes cold and distant. Creating you as the awful one helps him. The ow clearly hasnt saved him and it clearly was no great love if she’s gone off with someone else!

As others have said get paperwork esp re his savings and see a solicitor asap.

My exh cheated and dumped me for ow and I want to leave my current DP for numerous indiscretions of his resulting in my change in feelings (tried to make work as we have a dc) so unfortunately it happens.

Be kind to yourself and dont listen to any of his “poor me” garbage. HE is the loser here, remember that.

When you are going through hell…. Keeping going!

"Don't beat yourself up . There are people that are serial "ship jumpers". They are very hard to spot because they are capable of having long term and committed relationships. That doesn't change the fact that they will eventually jump ship. It's incredibly hard to spot the pattern over years and years." from @AccidentallyOnPurpose is so true.

The happy facade can be kept up for years and maybe they believed they were at the time, but people like this are rarely truly happy, unrealistic dreamers at their core believing next time will be different but it never is.

Other posters have hit it on the head. Serial ship jumpers. But only when there is another vessel passing to jump on to.

You're not a fool. He's just good at what he does.

If it's any consolation, once I was over the shock, becoming single in my mid 40s after my ex cheated has been the making of me. I

What a dick. It's such a luxury for men to get bored and just saunter off to a new, more exciting life.
You could agree with him wholeheartedly that family life can feel mundane, and as such you have decided to put yourself first given this natural ending to your marriage.

Since you gave up your career to focus on your family, it's time for you to shine! You'll be going to work full time and will want lots of adventures at the weekends to recover from the boredom you've also suffered, so you assume he'll be taking at least 50% of the childcare and ALL related responsibilities.

Speak to a solicitor before getting the job - it might be better for you in terms of your settlement that you are a SAHM as agreed. You can dust off your CV once the finances are settled?

What a wankstain ! How lucky that you can get away from this overgrown child !
Better days are coming , one day you will be happy and free

It’s scary how common this seems to be, just to switch and jump ship after years as if nothing ever happened. Turn your emotions off like a tap

My amazing gbf is coming with me to the solicitors, armed with as much info as we can lay our hands on. I need to feel like I’m taking back some control

As pp says, he’s had ages to plan his dream life and the coward just sprung it on me unawares

He feels he’s being brave making this bold move but how brave is it to have someone else waiting in the wings

Good luck op - he's going to be nasty as hell in the divorce, I can see it coming because I divorced a guy just like this.
They don't take responsibility for their own actions, they need someone to blame.

‘@QueenOfPain I will try and get my hands on as much as possible. He’s currently offered me the house but he may soon change his tune. I will remember that conversation and think I need to see a solicitor sooner rather than later’

You MUST do this op. My ex was so reasonable and fair when we first separated, made a lot of promises about making sure I’d be looked after financially. (I gave up my job too, idiot that I was) Fast forward 6 months and he is in a new relationship and has been a complete asshole. Going back on promises to me and the kids, fighting bout every little detail, trying to shaft me in every way possible. Cover your ass, and fast.

Thanks @chicfrick and @HomicidalPsychoJungleCat. I have my solicitor appointment booked now for next Thursday. It was the earliest I could get. Documents gathered, jobs applied for and am looking into starting a small, cleaning business

It still hurts like hell but I now know I have absolutely no feelings for him whatsoever. He wasn’t the person I knew and I don’t believe a word he says

Going straight for divorce, end of

@mcvities

Thanks *@chicfrick and @HomicidalPsychoJungleCat*. I have my solicitor appointment booked now for next Thursday. It was the earliest I could get. Documents gathered, jobs applied for and am looking into starting a small, cleaning business

It still hurts like hell but I now know I have absolutely no feelings for him whatsoever. He wasn’t the person I knew and I don’t believe a word he says

Going straight for divorce, end of

Be weary of him doing the "maybe" dance once he sees you are confident,decisive and in control.

Hi @AccidentallyOnPurpose, what is the maybe dance?

He’s being vile, cold and unkind. He’s making passive aggressive comments about the ‘clothes washing’ situation and muttering about not eating for two days #youknowwherethefridge/ovenis

His sister has offered him temporary accomadation, good and he’s going tonight. He’s fed up with tiptoeing around apparently 😂

He says he can’t wait for me to divorce him

Mcvities

Excellent. Taking control is the only way. He’ll get much worse before he gets better. My ex was the nicest person ever, until he wasnt...and then i realised how much id been masking for him all those years and making up for his inadequacies left, right and centre. Me, my kids, myfamily are all shocked at who he has become.

How are things, @mcvities?

I read your thread when you first posted but didn't post myself. I hope you're doing OK

Thank you for asking @Strikethrough, I feel fine some days, then go right back to square one

No luck finding a job yet but have sought legal advice

I feel so low today and have fallen down the rabbit hole of social media stalking but have now blocked him

I can’t believe I feel so crap and he’s acting as those he’s been let out of jail and has a new lease of life. New clothes etc, out all the time

He has had the luxury of planning his out for years and a nice safety net to land on, whilst me and DS are still in shock. Two weeks ago I had no idea and the lack of compassion to someone you once loved and shared your life with is heartbreaking

Hey OP im really sorry to hear that. I know its important to find a job etc but first you need to make sure hes not squandering your joint savings (new clothes, out all the time) so he can argue he isnt in a position to supppert you and DC later down the line?
Have you seen a solicitor regarding the money aspect of the separation?

@mcvities, when I read your post I thought you were me. I am so sorry as I can relate to your shock. Mine hid OW until we were through the divorce however. I suspect as others have said you are dealing with a (potentially covert) narcissist. The clue is the utter contempt they show for you once you are discarded. That's really not "normal" behaviour.

His pattern of idealise, devalue and discard only becomes apparent after several relationships so don't blame yourself.

You will rebuild your life, it might take a while but you will survive and thrive.

There are numerous resources online to help you understand these toxic relationships, (Dr Ramani and Dr Elinor Greenberg). It's quite common for a smear campaign to start once they move on as they can't bear to take any responsibility for their behavior so you will have to shoulder all the blame.

I have seen a solicitor @Sampafie and she is going to write and ask for a full disclosure to start the ball rolling. She is also going to get his pension details in full. I know it’s worth a fair bit and he’s desperate for me not to touch it

@Fireflygal this wouldn’t surprise me, I’ve known him years and years and cannot understand him

He’s on our family holiday in Devon and I think he has taken her with him. I need to detach big time

I hope you have now found peace, I so need to feel that there is life after this and he isn’t the only one that gets to be so happy