Now and then there’s a fool such as I

[mcvities]

I can’t believe I’ve become such a cliche and have become yet another victim of the script.

I still feel sick and numb with shock.

10 years ago, I had my own home, career the works but moved in with the man I thought was the love of my life. He was newly divorced with a young child and was so loving and caring. He told me were connected and soul mates and was able to talk to me in a way he had never managed with his ex wife. Being with me was the first and only time in a relationship where he felt his happiness had come first. Parumph

Fast forward to three years ago and he suffers a sudden bereavement. Up to this point he had adored me openly and publicly, we had a child, married and I had sold my house, cut back on my hours at work and put the whole lot into a place together. He had no equity but a high earner

Within a couple of months, he had become cold and distant and kept denying anything was wrong. Eventually he admitted that he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore. I repeatedly asked if there was anyone else, which of course was denied. He suggested marriage guidance counselling which we went to but still denied seeing anyone else and things slowly seemed to get back on track, although never quite the same. I assumed it was grief

Fool that I am, we went along merrily making plans and I left my job recently. Something I never thought I would do but was happy to at the time

He came home this evening confessing to an emotional and full blown affair. She is the real deal and the only person he was truly able to ever talk to. He is beside himself at the appalling way he has treated her by continually promising her he would leave horrible old me but was too much of a coward to leave, he says. He has seen the light that she is the love of his life and the only person he could ever talk to. He was only staying for our child

It came to a head as she asked again if he had left me and then said, in that case, she has met someone

He is distraught at the thought of what might have been and missing out on his grand vision of the future. Life is too short for him to stay in a dull, routine and if he hadn’t been so unhappy, he would never have cheated.

He said that we never have sex, I pointed out we did recently but apparently it didn’t count as it wasn’t ‘proper sex’

Wow, just wow. I feel so awful. I’m a cliche victim of the script aren’t I. My dc will be just so heart broken

This will be ‘the first time ever’ he has put himself first

I feel like I can’t breathe

What an absolute creep of a man.

All this bs about the ow being the love of his life.

What a dickhead.

You, on the other hand, op, are a star.

You're really taken charge. And he's going to his sister's because you're not doing cooking/washing etc. He really thought you'd carry on? Moron.

He's in for such a rude shock when the reality of divorce hits him.

You're streets ahead of him already because you've absorbed and processed a lot of shock, pain and hurt already.

Expect him to come crawling back to you at some point. I hope you will laugh in his face and tell the loser to go back under his stone.

Thank you much @ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp x

I don’t feel strong, just like I need to get through this as quickly as I can for my sanity

I really hope it all goes horribly wrong for him, he’s just ridden rough shod over my feelings without even any kindness or tact. Just latching onto a saviour rather than tackling his own problems. I shouldn’t care at all really

He says he’s going to tell his children that they should always put their own happiness before anything, which is fine but I think you should always consider others too

His other son, from his first marriage has previously said he doesn’t want to be anything like his father. The penny still hasn’t dropped

I feel physically sick, he just phoned our son from the family holiday in Devon. A place we went to every year with beautiful walks

He said ‘where we are, I mean, where I am’ the signal is bad

I can’t believe he actually took her there and is having the time of his life

I normally ram my fingers in my ears when we rings, that will teach me

Yes, it must be really painful to hear him speaking of places you've been together.

Shallow, insincere toad, isn't he?

Keep focused on sorting things out and making sure you keep control.

This happened to me during my H’s appalling mid-life crisis. It’s shocking and you don’t deserve it.

He’ll never be happy OP. He just wants things to be different…all the time. Things are settled, he wants them to change. Thinks the grass is greener, that he’s wasting his life, that there is some kind of amazing life out there for him and that, until now, he has been held back…

It’s fantasy OP. Not based in reality at all. He hasn’t lived reality with this OW. He hasn’t had to do the usual stuff that makes up normal life with her. That’s why it’s so enticing. It’s fantasy.

You will rebuild your life. Don’t blame yourself because this is his weakness not yours.

In the end I told my H how wonderful it sounded and how amazing his new life would be. What a once in a lifetime opportunity it was and that I’d help him pack his bags. This took him by surprise and weirdly, while I seemed overjoyed for him, he changed his mind.

I didn’t change my mind though.

I’m so sorry he has rewritten your history, unfortunately it’s really common and only done to justify their behaviour.

One thing is certain, you’ll move on and be absolutely fine. You’ll have your beautiful DC and your head held high.

for you OP. Stay strong. You can and will get through this.

More fool her for taking on a man who treats his wife like this.

Please be kind to yourself today.

What a horrible bastard.

He will have offered you the house to distract you from all the other money and assets he's no doubt got squirreled away.

Wow .. he stole your sons family holiday from him? He's revolting. Your son and you should be the ones having a great time on holidays.

Use this time to get as much financial info on him as possible OP. I sont normally say this but I would take him to the cleaners for this.

So sorry to hear this op. My son is the same age as yours and my tummy dropped when you said about his upset, I can imagine how he must be feeling and you being by his side through that. Just ghastly how a person can weigh that against their own desires and see the scales tip towards 'crack on, why not'. The selfishness is breathtaking.
Allow yourself to grieve as your life changes so drastically, I hope you have good support.

Hope you ok @mcvities think of all the new places you can discover with your son , make new memories , feel sorry for her to go to a place that has so many memories of the past .. she'll be feeling it !

Thank you all so much for your kind advice x

@RainyMayDay yes, I don’t think he will be quite the prize she thinks, although she has been his friend for years and apparently has been waiting over a decade for him, even before their affair

He never washes his hands and other unhygienic habits that she hasn’t yet witnessed

He said he was going alone on this holiday, he’s never gone anywhere alone in his life

It’s so hard trying to heal when he phones several times a day for our son. I always have to answer but pass the phone straight over without speaking

My DS knows nothing of OW. I think they plan to let the dust settle and for her to appear a few months down the line

That is when the heartbreak of watching my DS have to go there EOW and play happy families

There have been several hints about me as a person etc, like how ‘I don’t like animals’ where she has several dogs. It’s because I’m asthmatic

My DS would love a dog or a cat. She also is unable to have children and would dearly love them, I worry that she will be the heroine and I will become the villain

I can’t wait to get to a place where I no longer care and the divorce is final

I just hope the process can be hurried. I’m making plans for me and DS daily but it is so painful

I’m sure he’s painted me out as the villain to OW, he did with his EXW but is now the best of friends with his EXW and her family, going on outings together

Of course he would have painted you as the villain, or at least the ‘person who never really understood him’ because it suits his narrative. However you know you’re not. You know the truth. He is invested in a fantasy where they are star crossed lovers waiting for a decade to pass before they can be together. I actually pity her if she has waited that long for a married man. Things might be all fine and dandy now. We don’t ‘see’ people properly at the beginning of a new relationship. It gradually unfolds as we spend more time with them and they don’t quite live up to the person they portrayed themselves to be.

You won’t be the villain. You are real. You are there for your son. Yes, the dog / cat may be an attractive prospect initially and it may seem ‘happy families’ but the cracks will show. They always do.

You are your son’s mum. You are not replaceable. You will always have your part to play and you will always be important.

The novelty will wear off for your husband just as it has done before. What seemed great won’t be. What seemed bad won’t be. He doesn’t know his own mind.

You will heal. Of that I am sure.

And do continue to make plans for you and your son. Every day. No matter how small. Even when you don’t feel like it and especially on the days when you want to curl up in a ball.

Initially you won’t want to do anything but one day in the future you will go out and realise that you haven’t thought about him at all.

By the way while he is revelling in love’s young dream, if he’s offering you the house take it. His thinking will be skewed at the moment as he will be thinking that him and OW don’t need anything but each other. Seek legal advice and take advantage of his position while you can… My H went from saying he’d give me the house (when in the early heady days of his new relationship) to arguing over the sofa very quickly (when the novelty started to wear off). Get this done and dusted quickly so he doesn’t have time to ponder his fate…

Agree with Marshmellow, he's a narcissist.

He's triangulating you with the OW. There's no need to go into such detailed comparison of you both, he knows this will hurt you. Also letting you quit your job knowing he was going to leave. He's a sadist, he has no empathy and he's conning the OW just as much as he did you. Go grey rock on him (Google it) to stay sane in the meantime.

Breakups with these types are usually messy. You've been given some excellent advice so far re getting your duck in a row.

What a complete wanker he is and she must be a very desperate woman.

All of it is a complete joke.

The exact same thing happened to a very good friend of mine after 30+ years of marriage.

He wanted her in the ground so he could benefit financially and get the house.

It very nearly broke her and financially he absolutely crippled her.

After 3 years of being an utter c..., he realised what a fool he had been and came crawling back.

It would have been like sleeping with the enemy.

She's happy now and a new woman.

As for him, he's depressed and spends most of his time in bed.

I do think he thinks I will just accept whatever he has to offer and go quietly. I’ve been tiptoeing around him for the last three and a half years because I thought he was stuck in grief and depression but the whole time he was lying

I’ve tried to keep cool and businesslike, whatever I’ve felt like saying or doing

By offering me the house, with an existing mortgage, he is only offering me around 30% settlement rather than the 60% he says it’s worth. His pension is worth an awful lot

My solicitor is writing to his employer for full pension disclosure. This can be analysed by a Pension Actuary Report

He’s taken advantage of me for too long

He thinks my coldness in front of him is evidence that I never loved him and this is all for the best. It’s actually because I do not recognise him at all

So sorry for your pain, OP. Sounds like you are doing all the right things to protect yourself and your son. I'm very glad your solicitor is zeroing in on that pension.

Well done for not rolling over and just accepting what he wants regarding the finances, OP, but instead going for a fair and sensible arrangement that is not detrimental to you. Do the same with this:

It’s so hard trying to heal when he phones several times a day for our son. I always have to answer but pass the phone straight over without speaking

It is completely unreasonable of him to harass you via telephone several times a day (even if he is using the excuse of "wanting to talk to his son"). Is he not seeing his son regularly? Even if not, he doesn't get to ring at will.

Suggest your son rings him around X time every day, you could send a list of three or so times that would work for you for him to pick from. Of course, you will be happy to accept the same arrangement in reverse when your son is with his father - one phonecall per day at a mutually pre-agreed time that works for everyone. Stop answering the phone every time he rings you. You do realise you don't HAVE to pick up? (Apologies if I sound rude, it's just that you maybe haven't actually realised this because if you had and it's damaging you then you'd have already put a stop to it - I suspect he has made you feel like you must do this when in fact that is a load of rubbish.)

Check with your solicitor first if you would like to but offering a choice of three times for your son to ring him every day is not you acting like an unreasonable ex - I can't imagine any court in the land would enforce a "you must pick up every time your ex rings you" rule. Isn't the norm for there to be no expectation of contact on the other parent's days? You want to appear reasonable, cooperative and as if you're thinking of the best interests of your child. This doesn't require you to be permanently on call to your ex. I'm not surprised you're finding it hard to heal, he's in your head space so much! And I would be very surprised if he isn't aware of this... Drop the rope.

"He thinks my coldness in front of him is evidence that I never loved him"

What a wanker. Did he expect you to begin wailing and ripping the clothes off your bodY and pouring ashes on your head in theatrics to show how tragically devastated you are? WTF does he actually want? Im sure its driving him crazy that he cant " read you" and predict your next moves, he must be sweating bullets. Keep going OP youre doing GREAT. Dont back down, dont show your cards. Stay cool, calm and collected. He ll continue to bait you with outrageous behavior just to provoke a reaction ao he can tell himself he still knows which buttons to push. Dont fall for it

@Strikethrough

Well done for not rolling over and just accepting what he wants regarding the finances, OP, but instead going for a fair and sensible arrangement that is not detrimental to you. Do the same with this:

It’s so hard trying to heal when he phones several times a day for our son. I always have to answer but pass the phone straight over without speaking

It is completely unreasonable of him to harass you via telephone several times a day (even if he is using the excuse of "wanting to talk to his son"). Is he not seeing his son regularly? Even if not, he doesn't get to ring at will.

Suggest your son rings him around X time every day, you could send a list of three or so times that would work for you for him to pick from. Of course, you will be happy to accept the same arrangement in reverse when your son is with his father - one phonecall per day at a mutually pre-agreed time that works for everyone. Stop answering the phone every time he rings you. You do realise you don't HAVE to pick up? (Apologies if I sound rude, it's just that you maybe haven't actually realised this because if you had and it's damaging you then you'd have already put a stop to it - I suspect he has made you feel like you must do this when in fact that is a load of rubbish.)

Check with your solicitor first if you would like to but offering a choice of three times for your son to ring him every day is not you acting like an unreasonable ex - I can't imagine any court in the land would enforce a "you must pick up every time your ex rings you" rule. Isn't the norm for there to be no expectation of contact on the other parent's days? You want to appear reasonable, cooperative and as if you're thinking of the best interests of your child. This doesn't require you to be permanently on call to your ex. I'm not surprised you're finding it hard to heal, he's in your head space so much! And I would be very surprised if he isn't aware of this... Drop the rope.

This. You don't have to keep answering. He doesn't get to disappear and also be able to phone and chat multiple times a day. Do the above.

Have you read this thread? Think you may recognise some parts of the script:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

Normally on MN I can see at least a bit of both sides. This is no exception insofar as perhaps after a bereavement he did an audit of his remaining life (understandable and very common) and then decided the best thing was to have an affair behind his wife's back (utter prick and morally bankrupt) .

None of this is your fault in the slightest and you should absolutely go for everything you deserve. You had a contract, he broke it with his knob - probably did that first time round too.

He's a flaky idiot and you are not a woman who deserves a flaky idiot, remember that. You've put your heart and soul into this man for 10 years and now that's all he's getting.

Play him hard and fuck what he thinks.

You’re right, of course @Strikethrough

My DS is my Achilles heel

I have absolutely no difficulty setting boundaries for myself but my DS has been crying, desperate to speak to him

The other extreme is now happening, where DS has only heard from him once, yesterday at 11am. DS was in tears trying call the last two mornings and again last night

As exh is on our family holiday, there is no signal but I think he should drive or walk to where there is, at set times

I will now put in boundaries regarding calls. Ex is someone who is looking to have things all his own way

I love the link @WinterSunglasses, this happened to me to the letter

All the more reason to set pre-arranged times for the calls then OP, as clearly the unpredictability is unsetting your son (how old is he?). Children need consistency, especially after a family breakdown, so fewer calls that are predictable will be easier for him to cope with. However, you may need to explain to him that while Daddy is on holiday he won't have much signal so might not be able to ring until he is home again.

I would message your ex to say that your son is getting progressively more upset by the unpredictable nature of his phone calls - please could he let you know ONE time each day that he will be able to ring (a time when he can travel to find signal if necessary) and if this is not possible you think it's best for your son if he not expect any more phonecalls unless he is home. It's the lack of knowing that's the difficult thing.

If your ex continues to ring at sporadic times you do not have to pick up, you can message him later to say you're sorry you missed his call as you were just washing your hair, could he please give you advance notice of his call time as requested and you will ensure DS is available.

How are you feeling today OP? Glad you have a solicitor on the case.

I’m sorry to read about your son. Quite right to set boundaries and pre-arranged times for calls. It’s important you are not always-accessible to your H.

My H said exactly the same when we were in a similar situation. That my coldness was evidence that I didn’t care about him and never loved him. They have to justify their behaviour and will find spurious ways of doing so. They rewrite history. They have to because otherwise the choices they are making are crazy (and cruel).

Take care today xx