Now and then there’s a fool such as I

[mcvities]

I can’t believe I’ve become such a cliche and have become yet another victim of the script.

I still feel sick and numb with shock.

10 years ago, I had my own home, career the works but moved in with the man I thought was the love of my life. He was newly divorced with a young child and was so loving and caring. He told me were connected and soul mates and was able to talk to me in a way he had never managed with his ex wife. Being with me was the first and only time in a relationship where he felt his happiness had come first. Parumph

Fast forward to three years ago and he suffers a sudden bereavement. Up to this point he had adored me openly and publicly, we had a child, married and I had sold my house, cut back on my hours at work and put the whole lot into a place together. He had no equity but a high earner

Within a couple of months, he had become cold and distant and kept denying anything was wrong. Eventually he admitted that he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore. I repeatedly asked if there was anyone else, which of course was denied. He suggested marriage guidance counselling which we went to but still denied seeing anyone else and things slowly seemed to get back on track, although never quite the same. I assumed it was grief

Fool that I am, we went along merrily making plans and I left my job recently. Something I never thought I would do but was happy to at the time

He came home this evening confessing to an emotional and full blown affair. She is the real deal and the only person he was truly able to ever talk to. He is beside himself at the appalling way he has treated her by continually promising her he would leave horrible old me but was too much of a coward to leave, he says. He has seen the light that she is the love of his life and the only person he could ever talk to. He was only staying for our child

It came to a head as she asked again if he had left me and then said, in that case, she has met someone

He is distraught at the thought of what might have been and missing out on his grand vision of the future. Life is too short for him to stay in a dull, routine and if he hadn’t been so unhappy, he would never have cheated.

He said that we never have sex, I pointed out we did recently but apparently it didn’t count as it wasn’t ‘proper sex’

Wow, just wow. I feel so awful. I’m a cliche victim of the script aren’t I. My dc will be just so heart broken

This will be ‘the first time ever’ he has put himself first

I feel like I can’t breathe

Hi OP,

In a very similar situation here but a bit further down the line. Hope your ok

Boundaries all set @strikethrough and I had a great couple of days over half term

He came back last night to collect DS for the weekend, for the first time and the heartbreak hit me then

Ex knocked on the door, rather than using the key and was wearing an entirely new set of clothes

He looked as if he was having the time of his life, so happy, after always looking drawn and miserable like he did with me. It was like a slap in the face because, although I would never have him back, I’ve been really hurting and struggling. He’s had the time and luxury to extract himself whilst he was still with me and I was blindsided and he has just had a lovely holiday, he used to have with his family, with the love of his life

Thank you for asking @PeridotPenelope and @Hunternot

How are you both now? Do you find it easier to detach and feel nothing now?

As you say @mcvities, he’s had the luxury of time and had some control over the process. You haven’t. Try not to read too much into his new image. My H did similar. Turned up having made a few changes to his appearance, encouraged by OW. But he was still him. Give it time and the reality of life will hit when he is juggling work, new relationship, finances, your son’s needs. At some point he is not just going to be able to think of himself and having a nice holiday. His new life will hit the same challenges and obstacles as his old life did. He is currently having to prove to himself that he has made the right choices so he may splash the cash and behave in uncharacteristic ways.

I still get angry from time to time at the appalling way my H treated me and still have bad days. However I know that he is not a happy or secure person generally…lots of childhood issues that make life difficult for him…so however many times he runs away and reinvents himself, he is still the same unhappy person underneath. Although they can change where they live or who they are with, they can’t change who they are. I’m lucky in that I don’t have to see him at all. That time will come for you too.

I'm sorry it's been difficult for you to see him, OP, it must be such a headspin when he seems to have walked fully formed into his "new life". He must have quite the interesting psyche to be able to do that (would you recognise the idealise, demonise, discard pattern?). Also, has he actually taken this woman on your family holiday, as in, to the exact place you had previously gone/would soon have been going together? Because that is weird as!!!

Something you mentioned he'd said upthread also struck me - when he claimed that he'd only been telling you he loved you "to keep up appearances". FOR YEARS. Does he not realise that that statement makes him sound like the world's biggest prick!? Presumably not, I imagine he thinks it is supposed to make him sound terribly sacrificial and wonderful?

I mean, I wouldn't believe him for a second that he didn't love you for years, it's just a part of his self-justifying script as to why it was acceptable for him to have an affair but when you think about it, the justification (I didn't love my wife, but instead of telling her so that she could divorce me and move on to live an authentic life either single or with someone who truly loved her I lied to her FOR YEARS and wasted YEARS of her life while she laboured under the misapprehension that our relationship was mutually loving) actually sounds WORSE than what I would suspect is the truth (I am an entitled jerk who is unable to commit to a relationship because I need things to be shiny and new all the time so I don't believe the normal rules apply to me).

Of course, he will never be able to admit that he's merely a common or garden cheat, he has to be Special and it has to have happened because this is The Greatest Love Of All and he couldn't possibly have been expected to keep it in his pants under those circumstances and unfortunately in this situation for him to come out as the "victim" (in his eyes) instead of you he has to paint you in a very negative fashion. And he doesn't realise that this in fact makes him exactly the same as all the others, does he

Apologies for long Saturday morning ramblings, I just remembered reading that bit before and it still shocks me that he thinks his version actually makes him smell like roses, not like

I just wanted to say, there may be times when your DS does seem happy with his dad and OW and it will be agony for you watching them play happy families with your boy. But, you will ALWAYS be the most important person in your son’s life. By walking out, his dad has guaranteed that. No strange woman waltzing in will ever replace you, no matter if she is lovely and no matter if he likes her.

I think you are being very sensible now, and very strong about the right issues. You have quickly figured out this is not your fault and he is a toad. No actually, that is rude to toads which seem like quite innocent little creatures. He is a stinking turd, currently he is polishing the turd to make himself look nicer to his OW but it won’t last. She will eventually realise who she has involved herself with.

Don’t weaken, even when he tries to wear you down. You go gunning for every penny you can.

Right now you are broken, but when you mend the joins will be stronger than ever. The best revenge is a life lived well, and very soon you will rise above him.

On your behalf, I wish him a really bad life with the OW.

The posts aren’t at all rambling, they’re really helping. Thank you all so much

I’m just sat sobbing in bed this morning after doing so well. I stumbled across the little pile of things I’d prepared for our little holiday and can’t believe they went and had a wonderful time

His family are all cutting me off and immediately swapped allegiance to ‘his saviour’ the OW who saved him from suicide

He has a history of abuse and so have I. My father who I did manage to fight off but I had to be on a constant state of alert for many years leading to an anxiety I have to fight and manage daily

He always thought the anxiety was all about him and how I irritated him

He sat impassively through my experiences but says he ‘I don’t know what he went through’. I had also felt suicidal at points in my younger past, thankfully all behind me but I most certainly did know what he was going through in terms of feeling suicidal

She has redeemed him apparently and his family all applaud her for it. She found him a counsellor who said he was obsessed with his children and he needs to find his own vision, stop living his life for others

I had no one to save me, just a long slog of working through issues

Because I seem to be so impassive, it seems like he has got a get out of gaol card and has proved to him that this is best all round

The idealise and discard sounds incredibly familiar

Pouring it all out has helped so much

I am out this evening to an outdoor concert with some friends. I’m going to try and keep so busy, I won’t have time to dwell

It’s all the processing I seem to be doing, I can’t wait to get to detachment and not care

One miserable shitty day at a time OP.

My ex husband transformed into a complete stranger and the shock of that - of the person I would normally turn to in a crisis being not only the person causing the crisis but also seemingly having disappeared and been replaced by someone cold and distant and unrecognisable - was horrific.

Many years on now, thankfully I'm no longer hurt by it, it's just part of my life story, but I still remember those awful early days filled with grief and fury and jealousy and pain. My heart goes out to you but it will get better. You will get there. One day at at a time.

What a total bastard. So sorry. You're right though, he's ticking off every cliche in the book.
He's rewriting history to make him and the OW seem like star crossed lovers and you the baddie.

I read something on here once where someone described their ex as the Nice Guy Bastard. Where he still wants to seem like a good person to the outside world, and almost believes it himself. Hence the history rewriting.
You know it's not true. He can't keep up the act forever, and your son will see this too.
Keep going. It's awful now, but you will get through this and be happy too.

One of the things my exdh said his counsellor told him was that he put everyone else first and he needs to start looking after number one. Yes the man who cheated and then led a double life for a year, who has his children 30% of the time, who hasn’t once asked how I am nor offered any support with the children whilst I’ve being going through a horrendous time, is apparently a selfless man.

Most days I am ok, then my DCs come home and rave about the OW or tell me stories they have heard about how he was still seeing her when he was with me and it takes me right back to the start.
But I no longer lay awake for hours ruminating at night, have panic attacks, cry everyday and I can eat.
I’m still really struggling with what he did and who he is now. Think I will struggle with that for a long time.

@Kerzehmet how long did it take you to stop feeling like that? I currently feels like this is how I will forever feel.

My ex did the same, it turns out he does this at the end of every single relationship, the same script, finding his "soul mate" suddenly and etc ad nauseam. He just loves the thrill of the new relationship as soon as the old one gets boring.
I never trust anyone who tells me i am the love of their life anymore especially if it's early on.
i feel your pain OP.

Obviously the advice they get from counsellors, solicitors etc will be based on the narrative they've presented. If the counsellor had access to a video of the client's life over the past couple of years he/she would get a rather different view, you can be sure. Even an expert can't give good advice when they are fed duff information.

The OW will of course be dumped the same way when the time comes.

Yes @Kerzehmet, that’s exactly it, that the one person who you thought had your back is like this cruel, horrible stranger. Like a body blow

That is spooky @Hunternot

I thought a lot of counselling left you to draw your own conclusions

It sounds uncannily like the same one. Yes please leave your dfamily, you deserve so much better, everyone will do just fine and thrive. My ex probably told them all this though, how he never does anything for himself, he did plenty of times

He complains he put his children first but I thought that was called parenting 🤷‍♀️

The time for dreams comes after you fulfil your obligation to them

He often had hobbies and I would look after a toddler and sometimes his other son who would much rather have been with one of his birth parents, understandably

He points to his first divorce as proof that everyone has thrived. His first DC has said how hard this was for him but ex is completely oblivious, living in selfish land

I don’t think these men knows what putting others first actually means.
Both my children are clingy emotional messes, yet he seems to think that’s nothing to do with what he has put us all through and carries on immediately interpreting the OW into his life with no care for the children.
He’s proved that he is incapable of being alone.

Just a few weeks ago, I thought we had a loving, happy family

He knew all along, the shock is like a sucker punch

I’m so sorry to hear that @Hunternot

How can he be so selfish and blind

I hope OW leaves him for someone else and he knows then how it feels

So sorry this is happening to you and your lovely DS! What a terrible shock. For your own mental health I'd try to get a lawyer who can nail down the offer of the house and what have you, whatever financials etc have been discussed that you think are positive, so you at least don't have to think about those things, & tell him to please refrain from any further conversations about the OW as it is unbelievably cruel to do that to you. Then I'd ask for bare minimum contact so you can begin to heal. He will really feel your absence all of a sudden, and in time probably will realise that he made a mistake but that's not your problem (& the more absent you are the better, really, so he understands that he's made his bed and has to lie in it now).

I'm sorry you're hurting so much - I'm sorry a man you loved and trusted has hurt you so much.

If I might observe having read all your posts for the first time today, it sounds a bit like you have swallowed some of the story he has spun himself/others to justify his actions and are using it to beat yourself up further.

It suits him now to say he thought your anxiety was caused by him (and oh wasn't that awful for him) when he knew its real cause. It's cruel of him to use it as another way to try and blame and demonise you - don't let him.

As humans we all have a basic need to feel that we are 'good' people. When this is disrupted we become depressed, anxious and cannot function. That's why he needs to tell this story to justify actions that he knows will be hurting you. It's also why his family/friends have a vested interest in believing him - their own denial and need to be able to keep their relationship.

But that doesn't mean you have to accept the story he is using for his internal purposes or allow it to disrupt your own sense of truth about you and your life. You know the truth.

This current stream of the new woman being the love of his life and 'saving' him from his 'miserable' existence, etc etc etc. Well that's the same position he took when he left his marriage and entered into a relationship with you. Maybe he does go through cycles in his life of depression and searching for a rescuer. That's not a reflection on you - it doesn't mean you caused his depression or that what you had together wasn't meaningful.

It is natural for someone with past trauma to want to feel rescued and for that to disrupt their ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. Likewise, to experience depression. Many overcome it, but sadly it seems he is sucked into a cycle of depression and then trying to fix himself by finding someone to 'rescue' him and erase the past version of himself to make the feelings go away. It does sound like he might have been repeating that cycle since childhood. He's seems quite damaged by his experiences.

Picking up on one of the comments from his therapy (which I recognise may or may not be an accurate reflection of anything) - maybe he does have obsessive tendencies (it's also not uncommon for survivors of early childhood trauma - that early chaos leads to such an intense lifelong need for order that it can prompt obsessions). Maybe those are part of his problems.

It doesn't mean you are some awful person from whom he genuinely needed to be rescued. It is a reflection on the old injuries he is carrying around. His recurring depression, his search for rescuers, his desire to manage his feelings by erasing or overwriting the past - they are not a reflection on you, who you are or the life you built with him - they come from inside himself.

It is very sad that has now inflicted such devastation on your life too - please try not to let it grow in its destructiveness by letting it chip at your self-esteem or damaging how you view yourself.

I don't wish to lecture you or seem to make excuses. I simply thought that perhaps it would help you as you go through your grieving and making sense of things, and to do so without beating yourself up quite so much as you sometimes have. Take anything that's helpful, set aside the rest (or all of it!).

I know that you have had your own trauma too that has affected you in different ways and that you have responded to differently. I wouldn't blame you for feeling angry that he couldn't have done the same or that you are being hurt like this after fighting so hard to overcome your own past struggles. It's ok to feel angry and to get it out of your system in healthy ways, so long as you don't let it consume you.

Keeping busy is good, just so long as it doesn't turn into suppressing your grief so it rises up demanding your attention in a more complicated way later.

Alternating busy-ness with moments of facing the pain for short bursts can help you process and heal more effectively and manageable than sitting alone in the pain until it breaks you or distracting yourself into dissociation. Find a middle ground and just remember that emotions come in waves - let the waves ebb out instead of fighting them.

You deserve kindness and compassion from yourself. You deserve the benefit of the doubt and belief in your knowledge of what's true.

I hope you are able to enjoy the concert this evening and that tomorrow is a little less painful. Each day takes you further forward. One day you'll be looking back at all this from a happier place.

When you say you never tohught he was that type of man...he was divorced when you met, do you know the reason behind this?

Thank you @tornadosequins. This was such an insightful post, it really resonated with me and helped me put things in perspective. I do get moments of complete clarity and am trying not to sink down the rabbit hole of self blame

I do know why they divorced @crimsonlake. His exw cheated on him for two years with a good friend of his but then wanted to reconcile. They did for a short while but it didn’t last

My first husband cheated on me also, although we did get married very young

I felt that we had something in common as both had experienced cheating and a troubled back ground

Looking back, perhaps we were trying to rescue one another, although we did date for three years before marrying

He knows how painful and rejecting an affair feels

Sorry you are going down this road that so many of us have travelled on here.
It is such early days for you and I remember well wanting to get everything sorted and rushing to the solicitors. Truth is when you are feeling so emotionally low and in shock the early days is not the best of time to be making any decisions, especially regarding the finances.
That said one important thing you need is up to date knowledge of anything financial between you and make copies.
How are you funding solicitors costs, as it can get very expensive. When meeting the solicitor you need to keep it business like, keep emotions out of it. Every minute spent will add to your costs.
Your ex will feel temporarily that 'he has got out of jail' However this wont last long, you sound strong and need to fight for your future and your son's.
The turning up in new clothes sounds so familiar. My ex could be described as dressing like a dad. On the rare times he could spare a moment out of his busy social life to see his son's he would turn up in new trendy clothes driving a top of the range soft topped jaguar.
Look after yourself, make sure you eat something to keep your strength up.

Thank you @crimsonlake and @Justletmelogon

Knowing other people have been through similar experiences and come out the other end, really helps

I very naughtily opened his post today and one was from his bank confirming the closure of an old card and the opening of a new one

I think he’s doing some damage control or else why start opening and closing accounts

I guess I’m rushing before he blows every penny we have, I cannot believe a single word, nor do I believe he wishes to be fair with me

He is more wary, financially, after his first divorce. I’m waiting for the full disclosure letter from the solicitor

I’m considering requesting an interim, written settlement that he signs to enable enough for me to live on for a while and the divorce costs

He sounds like my sister, she is most definitely a narcissist. She has gone from relationship to relationship with exactly the same kind of story. Cares for nobody but herself.

I'm sorry your marriage has ended, you deserve much better. You will move on and find true happiness in life. He's stuck being him and will never be happy.