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Original poster

Is this normal at the beginning? Very sexual...

122 replies

candler · 17/05/2021 13:32

Hi, I met a man through Tinder in March and we've seen each other a dozen or so times. It's been a bit inconsistent at times, due to us both having family bereavements etc. in that time.. but the last 3 weeks have been great. We see each other 2-3 times a week, he is always very keen to see me and arrange dates. A lot of the time it has involved me going to his due to the Covid restrictions, but we've done a couple of pub/dinner dates. He goes to a lot of effort for me - cooking elaborate dinners, G&T with garnish on arrival at his, candles, buying snacks and puddings he knows I like. We text throughout the day about work/DC/what were up to and watching on TV. The typical stuff. Last time we met he presented me with a big bouquet of flowers and started throwing around the 'girlfriend' term. We're not official yet, but he will say things like, 'My friends will laugh that I'm doing that with my girlfriend.' That sort of thing. We have amazing chemistry, banter, really get on well and feel comfortable - including sexual chemistry.

What is 'bugging' me, is he seems a lot more openly sexual than me. It takes a while for me to open up to men, when I do I am a naturally very sexual person, but I need time to get to know them. I've told him to tone it down, and in fairness he has and does check I feel comfortable with his messages, but some examples of things he will still say are...

'You looked amazing last night but now I'm so frustrated! Fancy coming over an evening this week?'

'I can't wait for you to do 'x' again to me.' or 'I need you here doing 'x' to me right now!'

'I'm imagining you doing 'x' and it's made me horny.' or 'I've woken up really horny this morning thinking of you!'

It's nice to feel desired and I know he fancies me, I fancy him too and the chemistry is great. I'm just not sure if this is 'normal' after only knowing one another a couple of months, and sometimes I do wonder if he's only after sex... but then we've had sex multiple times at this point, so he's had the opportunity to get his leg over and run. He's also attentive in lots of other ways I mentioned above and has said he is looking for a relationship. I know there is no barometer for normal, but does this sound about right or too much to soon?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 17/05/2021 13:36

im not sure there really is a normal here. Its pretty saucy and flirty but if youre already having lots of sex, hes bound to be fairly excited about it.

I dont mind this sort of thing, but if you hate it, then youll have to somehow communicate that

Amelia666 · 17/05/2021 13:37

I think it’s normal- all sounds good to me and like it’s going well?

AlmostSummer21 · 17/05/2021 13:37

If it was just a 'here & now' type relationship it wouldn't bother me, but if I was looking long term I'd think he doesn't really care how I feel. You've already told him you don't like it, but he still does it (even if it's toned down a bit). I'd expect an adult looking to have a long term relationship to be more caring about how I felt.

FuckyouCovid21 · 17/05/2021 13:38

It wouldn't bother me in fact I'd find it quite a turn on. You say you fancy him, he's attentive, you've had sex with him on a number of occasions and you've known him a couple of months. Yeah, pretty normal in my opinion.

It would be totally different if you hadn't yet had sex though

Notashandyta · 17/05/2021 13:38

Aw bless him, sounds all good to me!

Original poster
candler · 17/05/2021 13:39

I don't hate it, I'm just concerned it could point to him only being interested in sex and not anything serious. I've been used by men in the past before, especially from online dating, where we have been having sex but it never leads to anything more serious and after a couple of weeks they back off.

OP posts:
ScreamingBeans · 17/05/2021 13:40

Among a certain type of man, it's normal.

But revolting.

I really dislike certain normal men.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2021 13:41

Do you think he's love bombing you? He seems rather intense.

Thomasina2021 · 17/05/2021 13:41

Omg sounds brilliant op xx

bunglebee · 17/05/2021 13:43

I don't think it would bother me, but it seems like it bothers you, and that's OK. I don't think it's unusual or a red flag in the early stages to be in a lust bubble and to say these kinds of things. To enjoy the ride (arf) in every way, basically.

You say he did tone it down when you asked, which is a good sign. I would just figure out what you're comfortable with by way of sexy talk/texts and ask him to keep it to that. If you've been clear and explicit and he doesn't stick by that, then obviously you have an issue about him not respecting your boundaries.

Divebar2021 · 17/05/2021 13:45

If he was only talking about sex then that would be one thing but he isn’t. He’s behaving really nicely apparently.... very attentive. I don’t know what kind of perfection you’re seeking?

CornishGem1975 · 17/05/2021 13:47

Sounds normal to me - especially it's those heady, hot and horny early stages!

YouShouldLeave · 17/05/2021 13:47

Well, depends how you feel about it.

Personally, i would hate it and be turn offed by it/him.

Sakurami · 17/05/2021 13:48

That sounds about right but if you're uncomfortable then tell him it's too soon. Surely he doesn't want to turn you off?

maskface212 · 17/05/2021 13:48

OP I've been in relationships where we would have sex for days and only surface to eat. It's usually full on sexually at the beginning of a relationship. Exceptions to that are if the couple are asexual or have low libidos or aren't into sex for some other reasons but the beginning tends to be the most sexual.

There is no right or wrong, it depends how it feels for you. If it feels too full on, then either firmly assert that or end it if he won't. If you feel you need more time then perhaps speak to him about that and outline what that means to you.

I'm not into sexting at all. It does absolutely nothing for me and if I had just met someone and he was sending me those kinds of messages, I wouldn't be reciprocating and would find them a turn off, not a turn on. It's ok for you to have preferences and to stick to those preferences.

The big issue here seems to be, does he just want me for sex? There are no guarantees in relationships. The most difficult thing is to hang in there and see how it develops, that's all you can do. The most important thing here is to look after yourself, keep checking in with yourself to see how you feel and don't be afraid to be assertive at any point.

litterbird · 17/05/2021 13:49

It does sound a little bit like love bombing at the moment so keep an eye on that. I am one for not minding the sexting stuff and can be a hell of a lot of fun at times. Can you relax and live in the moment and just enjoy it for what it is? No relationship is a guarantee of living happily ever after so I would just have a giggle with it all and chill. He sounds like he is into you right now, a little over the top for me with all the gestures as you have only been together since March, but who knows? Enjoy, have fun, keep your wits about you.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 17/05/2021 13:50

@ScreamingBeans

Among a certain type of man, it's normal.

But revolting.

I really dislike certain normal men.

How is it even remotely revolting?

They are having sex, op talks about their great chemistry, have you never been in a relationship that's so sexually exciting at the beginning that it's a bit all consuming?

What a weird response.

The3rdMrsdeWinter · 17/05/2021 13:55

'I can't wait for you to do 'x' again to me.' or 'I need you here doing 'x' to me right now!'

'I'm imagining you doing 'x' and it's made me horny.''

It all seems to be about the acts he wants you to perform for him.

Original poster
candler · 17/05/2021 14:01

@The3rdMrsdeWinter

Ahh it does seem that way from my OP. He also says the same about doing things to me, like he can't wait to do touch me or do other things Blush. I am taking things as they come with and trying not to have too much of an expectation, but I would like a relationship ultimately and I'm not really one for casual sex... and having been used in the past (had sex then ghosted shortly afterwards), it does make you wary and a bit jaded.

OP posts:
ScreamingBeans · 17/05/2021 14:01

How is it even remotely revolting?

They are having sex, op talks about their great chemistry, have you never been in a relationship that's so sexually exciting at the beginning that it's a bit all consuming?

What a weird response.

Yes I have and I still didn't send anyone messages like that. I find your acceptance of cringey messages about someone's boner as being perfectly acceptable, equally weird as you find my distaste for it.

Pyewackect · 17/05/2021 14:03

If it bothers you tell him !.

Sensateria · 17/05/2021 14:05

This thread sounds really familiar, did he text you one day telling you to wear a skirt that night for your date?

SixesAndEights · 17/05/2021 14:11

I don't like this kind of full on type of thing, let alone the sex part, so I'd be running a mile.

What suits one person doesn't suit another, so I think you need to think about what YOU want and whether or not this fits.

notalwaysalondoner · 17/05/2021 14:11

I'd say it sounds in the realms of 'normal' for sure, especially younger people that have grown up online dating and using messages to flirt. But if you don't find it sexy, jsut tell him you'd rather he share those thoughts in person, you don't like it in messages. I wouldn't say at all it indicates that he's only interested in sex (unless the majority of his messages are like this) - it's just this is how a lot of people communicate these days, including letting their partner know they find them sexually desirable. But if you don't like it, that's fine too - DH and I are both quite young (30) and have never sexted or anything as neither of us really like it. There's no right or wrong, it's just whatever you're both comfortable with.

dancealittleclosertome · 17/05/2021 14:18

I can't bear the word 'horny' so it'd be a no from me. Just a 'missing you' or a 'looking forward to seeing you' is enough, the other stuff makes me cringe.