Is this normal at the beginning? Very sexual...

[candler]

Hi, I met a man through Tinder in March and we've seen each other a dozen or so times. It's been a bit inconsistent at times, due to us both having family bereavements etc. in that time.. but the last 3 weeks have been great. We see each other 2-3 times a week, he is always very keen to see me and arrange dates. A lot of the time it has involved me going to his due to the Covid restrictions, but we've done a couple of pub/dinner dates. He goes to a lot of effort for me - cooking elaborate dinners, G&T with garnish on arrival at his, candles, buying snacks and puddings he knows I like. We text throughout the day about work/DC/what were up to and watching on TV. The typical stuff. Last time we met he presented me with a big bouquet of flowers and started throwing around the 'girlfriend' term. We're not official yet, but he will say things like, 'My friends will laugh that I'm doing that with my girlfriend.' That sort of thing. We have amazing chemistry, banter, really get on well and feel comfortable - including sexual chemistry.

What is 'bugging' me, is he seems a lot more openly sexual than me. It takes a while for me to open up to men, when I do I am a naturally very sexual person, but I need time to get to know them. I've told him to tone it down, and in fairness he has and does check I feel comfortable with his messages, but some examples of things he will still say are...

'You looked amazing last night but now I'm so frustrated! Fancy coming over an evening this week?'

'I can't wait for you to do 'x' again to me.' or 'I need you here doing 'x' to me right now!'

'I'm imagining you doing 'x' and it's made me horny.' or 'I've woken up really horny this morning thinking of you!'

It's nice to feel desired and I know he fancies me, I fancy him too and the chemistry is great. I'm just not sure if this is 'normal' after only knowing one another a couple of months, and sometimes I do wonder if he's only after sex... but then we've had sex multiple times at this point, so he's had the opportunity to get his leg over and run. He's also attentive in lots of other ways I mentioned above and has said he is looking for a relationship. I know there is no barometer for normal, but does this sound about right or too much to soon?

Sorry, too much for me, especially the absurd and cringey "horny" texts. Yuck, talk about a turn off.

@ScreamingBeans

Among a certain type of man, it's normal.

But revolting.

I really dislike certain normal men.

Y'know, I started off reading the responses saying it was 'normal' and was mostly in agreement, but I know where you're coming from. Were I on the receiving end of it (no pun intended, ha ha) at the age I am now, I would find an excess of this sort of communication rather off-putting - whereas in my 20s/30s I'd probably have been the one instigating it to a certain extent.

I'm not saying women in their 40s (where I am now) shouldn't enjoy sex and sexual talk at the start of a new relationship by any means, but I would find it a tad on the distasteful side if it was happening a lot.

Also, and this is DEFINITELY related to ageing, being, less inclined towards male bullshit, re-assessing boundaries as an older woman, women being constantly assessed and commented upon as far as our sexual potential by the male gaze and even as far as male-on-female violence, but I, too, find a great many men utterly repellent in their approach, speech, and behaviour towards women in general.

But, sorry, slightly off of a tangent there - if this guy's behaviour bothers you now, you definitely need a chat with him before it becomes a massive issue.

I wouldn’t mind, and I don’t think it’s an indication he just wants you for sex.

But, if you don’t like it then that’s an issue.

I wouldn't mind and sounds like the sort of thing me and my other half sent each other at the start. Very normal

If it bothers you then you have every right to quash it. I wouldn't say it's massively abnormal now. I've been with DP 5 years and in the first 5 months I probably would have been hard pushed to point to any two texts in a day that weren't about sex between us.

He's a remarkably respectful caring and supportive partner. That said I very much reciprocated at the time so he knew it wasn't unwanted. That's a big difference. If you don't like it it is totally fair to expect him to stop it.

Not sure which I prefer really as now my conversation mainly centres around invoicing , the DC and home insurance.

Mind you he did bound up the stairs yesterday announcing he had found some reduced price mince for the lasagne. That was quite sexy

All joking aside OP if it makes you uncomfortable then he needs to stop. There is nothing wrong with holding your boundaries.

I'm no prude, I had sex with my now partner second meeting (would've been first if we could).

But I hate sexual remarks like that. I suppose you've met him several times so only you can judge- but it just makes me think lust.

It's especially bad when you're not reciprocating and they keep going on.

You don't have to dump over this obviously but I'd be wary, if it were me.

I would be concerned that sex seems to be such a priority with him. I'd like to think that, in a relationship, the other person looks forward to being with me for other reasons than being horny.

Sounds normal and nice to me, sending sexts doesn't indicate anything other than an enjoyment of sending sexts. Only you can be a judge of the rest of the relationship to see if you feel generally respected as a person.

I think you need to separate the two issues in your mind:

(1) Your feelings about sexting, totally fine if you don't enjoy. You can either laugh it off, safe in the knowledge they will probably naturally peter out eventually, or if you do find them abhorrent you can just tell him to stop.

(2) Your concerns about how serious the relationship is and whether he is using you. You are in your rights to address this head on and be clear about your expectations if you are to continue, if you want to be official and exclusive then bring this up and see what his view is. You don't need to continue having sex with someone, worried the whole time that he's just "using you for sex" you can speak up and advocate for yourself.

G&T with garnish on arrival at his

Why the hell is he garnishing a G&T?! You mean he adds a slice of lemon? Massive red flag in my opinion 😂 seriously stop looking for issues that aren’t there. It’s easy to be overly sexual at the start of an exciting new relationship, doesn’t mean that will continue as the relationship progresses.

I also think it sounds normal. Even that he's comfortable enough with you to talk about desiring you, and wanting more of what you guys enjoyed before. I don't think it's revolting at all, he appreciates/is excited by you and feels safe to express it - but equally, if it makes you uncomfortable, ask him to rein it in a bit and see how he responds. That'll give you your answer, I reckon.

The Messiah on Netflix. I really enjoyed it but it was pulled after just the first series.

Its all just so cringey and cheesey isn't it. Just too 'try hard' and the fact you've already told him you don't like it and he carries on regardless is a bit worrying. I wouldn't be worried he was only using me for sex but I would be worried that I was dating a bit of a twat.
Sounds like he's love bombing you as well. Just be aware of it

Goops wrong thread, sorry!

It just sounds like he really likes you. He seems to be doing lots of nice things to show you that and one thing (his messages) that isn’t quite your bag. You can either tell him that or, if it doesn’t make you too uncomfortable, you can try and get on board with it. It’s not something to be thought about in terms of normal/abnormal.
So often the problem is that “he’s just not that into you”. I think the thing here is that he IS really into you.

Yes, the only thing I find a bit off is the sexual messaging, everything else about him is great. I do get on board with the sexual messages sometimes, it depends on my mood, but at least a couple times day he messages something about wanting sex or wanting me to do / wanting to do something sexual to me! The only times I have been so overtly sexual with someone e.g. 'I wish I was doing x with you right now' are when I've been in a proper relationship, which is why I'm not sure how to take it. I agree it does come across face value that he is very into me though, I know he has also told his family and friends about me, shown them photos of me / us. I've kept things quite close to my chest so far. Maybe he is a bit lovesick!

My husband was like this in the beginning (still is if we are apart for longer than a week). It’s a major turn on for me and it’s not weird in the slightest. But sounds like you might be on a different page. Well, anyway- his behaviour is my preference in a man whom I fancy. Only a day or two ago there was a thread on here how a man in his 40’s won’t have sex with girlfriend of 10 months as he prefers to ‘take things slow’. That would be a no from me

I was about to say it sounds normal to me in the sense that I've been in relationships like that and those types of messages were quite common at the start, even with my husband. But thinking in the context of my husband it should have been a red flag in that instance.

If you do really like him and it's just this one thing that's off putting then just tell him you don't like it and if he's decent he'll stop but if your niggle is still there and something still feels "off" I'd listen to your intuition. It does sound like lovebombing to me. I had tons of sexual chemistry with my husband but even though everything looked wonderful on the surface he was not a good long term match and I should have listened to my gut. He wasn't abusive but he was sexist with misogynistic views. This was all very covert at the beginning and only became glaringly obvious when our DD was born and it was too late.

Just keep an eye on things.

@Divebar2021

If he was only talking about sex then that would be one thing but he isn’t. He’s behaving really nicely apparently.... very attentive. I don’t know what kind of perfection you’re seeking?

^ this But! What suits one person doesn't suit another, so I think you need to think about what YOU want and whether or not this fits. Also this....

I understand OP. i hate men that make comments like this on the regular. It's a turn off. My ex would make sexual comments at least once a day and it turned me right off him. Made me think all he cared about was sex. Obviously based on the comments i'm in the minority tho. lol

I would find it off-putting as well. Also, it sound like he’s possibly love-bombing you.

but at least a couple times day he messages something about wanting sex or wanting me to do / wanting to do something sexual to me!

Twice a day! That’s a lot. I would definitely feel pressurised by this (and a little creeped out). Have you mentioned that you don’t like this overtly sexual talk - too much too soon?

Next time you speak say something like: There is oe thing. I'm really glad you're in my life. Thing is, can we keep the talk about sex to when we are together and not so much on the messages? It's what I would prefer. Deal?"

Hopefully he will say that he is really sorry if he overstepped the mark and will back that up by keeping the messages away from this degree of intimacy.

There's no right or wrong on this, you have heard from women who think it's a bit revolting and women who think it's really good. You can be anywhere you want on that spectrum and he has to respect your view. You should only need to tell him once.

So we are kind of 50/50 split on the thread as to those who would like it and those who would hate it. (I’m in the like it camp, myself). So this shows he’s not doing anything objectively awful or red-flaggy as such, as loads of women would be happy with it clearly. And lots of people saying they have men who used to be/still are like that that they are now in LTRs with, so no indication here that this proves he isn’t serious about you. Mine is 10 months in and we still message like that and always have and o believe us to be serious about each other!

If it doesn’t work for you tho, that’s different. You need to ask him very definitely to stop, tho in a kind way, explaining your reasons. And then if he doesn’t, there is your red flag, waving at you from the top of the flag-pole.

Of course, there is the risk that this type of texting is something he values in a relationship, feeling it betokens a sense of intimacy and free, fun communication about sex - so if you say you are absolutely against it he may change his mind about your compatability. But that’s totally fine too - better to find out sooner rather than later if you aren’t right for each other. No fault on either side - not everyone is a good match.

He had me at g&t with garnish on arrival

Sounds normal to me too but it's not up to us to decide. If you like it, you like it and if not, that's fine too but you'll need to tell him.
To me it just sounds like he's really in to you!

When my husband and I met we would send naughty messages all day. It was so exciting. I'm quite jealous!

The beginnings of relationships are often about sex, lust and excitement. I'd enjoy it before it becomes about who hoovered last and what you're having for tea.