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Original poster

Is this normal at the beginning? Very sexual...

122 replies

candler · 17/05/2021 13:32

Hi, I met a man through Tinder in March and we've seen each other a dozen or so times. It's been a bit inconsistent at times, due to us both having family bereavements etc. in that time.. but the last 3 weeks have been great. We see each other 2-3 times a week, he is always very keen to see me and arrange dates. A lot of the time it has involved me going to his due to the Covid restrictions, but we've done a couple of pub/dinner dates. He goes to a lot of effort for me - cooking elaborate dinners, G&T with garnish on arrival at his, candles, buying snacks and puddings he knows I like. We text throughout the day about work/DC/what were up to and watching on TV. The typical stuff. Last time we met he presented me with a big bouquet of flowers and started throwing around the 'girlfriend' term. We're not official yet, but he will say things like, 'My friends will laugh that I'm doing that with my girlfriend.' That sort of thing. We have amazing chemistry, banter, really get on well and feel comfortable - including sexual chemistry.

What is 'bugging' me, is he seems a lot more openly sexual than me. It takes a while for me to open up to men, when I do I am a naturally very sexual person, but I need time to get to know them. I've told him to tone it down, and in fairness he has and does check I feel comfortable with his messages, but some examples of things he will still say are...

'You looked amazing last night but now I'm so frustrated! Fancy coming over an evening this week?'

'I can't wait for you to do 'x' again to me.' or 'I need you here doing 'x' to me right now!'

'I'm imagining you doing 'x' and it's made me horny.' or 'I've woken up really horny this morning thinking of you!'

It's nice to feel desired and I know he fancies me, I fancy him too and the chemistry is great. I'm just not sure if this is 'normal' after only knowing one another a couple of months, and sometimes I do wonder if he's only after sex... but then we've had sex multiple times at this point, so he's had the opportunity to get his leg over and run. He's also attentive in lots of other ways I mentioned above and has said he is looking for a relationship. I know there is no barometer for normal, but does this sound about right or too much to soon?

OP posts:
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 17/05/2021 21:24

My boyfriend and I had some excellent text chats about sex when we were first dating. It was sexting sometimes but otherwise we talked really openly about things we liked and didn't like and wanted to try etc...our sex life is excellent and the communication really helps. I know sex talk can be a bit cringe but it can also be a lot of fun

tara66 · 17/05/2021 21:33

Well that sort of talk is not romance is it? Just seems crude.

me4real · 17/05/2021 22:17

@candler So you told him you didn't like it, but it crept back in somewhat.

I would tell him again to stop permanently.

If he starts doing it again, then you'll have to decide if you want to bin him.

Ayeshstar2020 · 17/05/2021 22:24

I see what those in support of him are saying. I kind of feel that reasoning is motivated by the fact that there are so many men that seem not to want sex at all - a total turn off. And sex and him strongly desiring you is important of course.

But I totally get you and would feel the same. Incessant sexual texting even where you two are sleeping together is pushy and ungentlemanly. The occasional text and or a few words in the lead up or heat of the moment is IMO more appropriate.

The ultimate concern is when the initial lust settles down; he will still be like this. Pestering. Or, that that sexual stuff is his priority and he will look elsewhere.

I don’t know what to advise really as I don’t want you to spoil what could be a good thing. Just wanted to say I understand your feelings on this.

Sisisimone · 17/05/2021 22:45

Regardless of whether anyone else on here likes sexting, you don't
You asked him to stop but he just carries on every.single.day.
He's a pest. And cares nothing for your wants and needs. Most people when told by a new partner that something bothered them would stop. Not just think fuck it, I'll carry on regardless because I want to. What's the point of someone who buys you pudding and flowers when they don't give a shiny shit about your opinions and what you want in the relationship. The little things little gin with a garnish don't matter at all if you don't have basic respect.

Lunettesloupes · 17/05/2021 22:45

Are you experiencing some dissonance between the romantic gestures and ‘girlfriend’ talk and the overtly sexual messages? In my experience it’s always a good idea to listen to your gut feelings especially when something just doesn’t feel right. I’m projecting though, so if that’s not the case do ignore me.

wingsnthat · 17/05/2021 23:09

I would say normal…but I’m in my early 20s and don’t live with my boyfriend. It’s completely understandable if it makes you feel uncomfortable though as we’re all different, just have a chat with him

wingsnthat · 17/05/2021 23:12

Oh just seen that you already have spoken to him about this. Whilst I understand that this is all fun and exciting for him, he should take your wants into consideration too and stop pushing your boundaries

seensome · 17/05/2021 23:28

I think that because he wants to date you, he's told friends and family about you is all a good sign that you aren't just a quick fling to him, the sexting is his way of expressing how desirable you are to him but it's not yours so trust how you feel on this, if he's putting you off and not listening, stop engaging in it or ultimately end it if it gets too much, you don't need to stay with him unless you're comfortable and happy with him.
I wouldn't like it either tbh nice to know how sexy you are but the crudeness about it is off putting.

SwordofGryffindor · 18/05/2021 03:44

He's coming off as very intense. I've been dating a guy exclusively since March too. Mad about eachother but I dont expect a girlfriend/boyfriend chat until at least 4 or 5 months in ? It's way to early for that. Unless you're 16 lol

Enjoy the flirty texts but if you're uncomfortable tell him. Rule one - communicate

RantyAnty · 18/05/2021 03:54

I suppose if most of his messages were about sex, it would be a turnoff.

So why aren't you official with him?

Musication · 18/05/2021 04:19

I once had a boyfriend like this and it gave me the ick in the end! I suspect he just really likes you and early stages of relationships usually have a lot of sex (or thinking about it a lot anyway). I'm sure he will calm down eventually.

1forAll74 · 18/05/2021 04:33

It sounds like the typical behaviour of how some men will turn out to be like,from dating sites.

Sunflower1970 · 18/05/2021 04:49

He sounds like a decent guy who fancies the pants of you. He has toned it down and listened. He treats you like a princess so my advice is just relax and enjoy it and see what happens x

PurpleFlower1983 · 18/05/2021 05:25

Sounds normal to me and exciting! Enjoy!

tortoiselover100 · 18/05/2021 05:29

Sounds normal to me, you've already had sex with him a few times, he's expressing how much he's enjoying it, wants more etc. Quite positive stuff really

Sadieeloise5687 · 18/05/2021 05:46

I’d find it far too much and yep only interested in sex. Just a bit weird really unless you both enjoy sending those type of messages and clearly you don’t! It would be fine if you enjoyed them but he’s not read you right has he. Personally I’d rather just ‘you looked amazing’ than ‘you looked amazing I can’t wait to do x to you’ - but I’m a romantic!

leopardandspots · 18/05/2021 06:10

Thought I'd reply with my current experience although not sure if others' experiences help?

I too have that nagging question.. is this normal. I think the answer is that what matters more is if you are uncomfortable .

With me, we are 8 months in, met on line too. Both in our 50s.
I'm astonished by his sex drive. He is keen for sex again within 5 minutes of the last time and really likes to talk about it throughout. He could quite happily repeat 3, 4 or more times a night.
I just keep thinking is this normal?
But he's kind, funny, well read, keen to meet each other's friends etc. Sex is 'normal' so no weird stuff.
It's just how high sex is on the agenda is very different to my previous relationships.
The test is if you're uncomfortable with it I think. In my case I find it too much in the abstract, but then at the time it's fine.But just so different to my marriage that I do worry about what's normal. But there is no normal.

JadedStrumpet · 18/05/2021 06:39

This is the skirt guy isn't it?

He was making you feel uncomfortable then and he's still making you feel uncomfortable now. You've asked him to tone it down and he hasn't. He doesn't respect your barriers. It's all about him and his weener.

For what it's worth, his behaviour would make me drier than the Sahara desert. There's nothing flattering about a man constantly telling you he wants to fuck you, especially when you've asked him to tone it down. I'd have to end it. I'd feel like I was dating a school boy.

midnightstar66 · 18/05/2021 06:49

Lots of people seem to like this stuff and I did too when I was younger but years in to the dating scene now I find it all a bit ugh. The main reason is that it tends to escalate to obsessive levels if you respond. They start wanting pictures, wanting it all more and more to the point it takes away any novelty or spontaneity. I tend to nip it in the bud these days or move on.

midnightstar66 · 18/05/2021 06:53

*How is it even remotely revolting?

They are having sex, op talks about their great chemistry, have you never been in a relationship that's so sexually exciting at the beginning that it's a bit all consuming?

What a weird response.*

You'd understand if you'd come across as many of these men as some of us have 😆

HelenHywater · 18/05/2021 06:57

Is it the skirt guy? This behaviour wouldn't do anything for me OP. It doesn't really matter what we say though (as I think some posters seem to like it), if you don't like it, and he won't stop, then you need to walk really.

(@leopardandspots no, that doesn't seem normal to me - I'm 50 and have been dating for a few years. I reckon he must be taking something, but urgh!).

midnightstar66 · 18/05/2021 06:57

Skirt guy? What have I missed?

midnightstar66 · 18/05/2021 07:02

@leopardandspots I'm 10 or more years your junior and would not have the energy for that. Maybe a once of but not all the time. I've also come across few men who are able to go so many times so quickly and the one I can think of was back when we were late teens/early 20's I'd think it unusual especially at that age. Is he definitely finishing then re starting or just taking a break? If so I'd also suspect he's taking viagra

lollipoprainbow · 18/05/2021 07:13

What's the problem here ?! I'm Jealous

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