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Relationships

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Original poster

Is this normal at the beginning? Very sexual...

122 replies

candler · 17/05/2021 13:32

Hi, I met a man through Tinder in March and we've seen each other a dozen or so times. It's been a bit inconsistent at times, due to us both having family bereavements etc. in that time.. but the last 3 weeks have been great. We see each other 2-3 times a week, he is always very keen to see me and arrange dates. A lot of the time it has involved me going to his due to the Covid restrictions, but we've done a couple of pub/dinner dates. He goes to a lot of effort for me - cooking elaborate dinners, G&T with garnish on arrival at his, candles, buying snacks and puddings he knows I like. We text throughout the day about work/DC/what were up to and watching on TV. The typical stuff. Last time we met he presented me with a big bouquet of flowers and started throwing around the 'girlfriend' term. We're not official yet, but he will say things like, 'My friends will laugh that I'm doing that with my girlfriend.' That sort of thing. We have amazing chemistry, banter, really get on well and feel comfortable - including sexual chemistry.

What is 'bugging' me, is he seems a lot more openly sexual than me. It takes a while for me to open up to men, when I do I am a naturally very sexual person, but I need time to get to know them. I've told him to tone it down, and in fairness he has and does check I feel comfortable with his messages, but some examples of things he will still say are...

'You looked amazing last night but now I'm so frustrated! Fancy coming over an evening this week?'

'I can't wait for you to do 'x' again to me.' or 'I need you here doing 'x' to me right now!'

'I'm imagining you doing 'x' and it's made me horny.' or 'I've woken up really horny this morning thinking of you!'

It's nice to feel desired and I know he fancies me, I fancy him too and the chemistry is great. I'm just not sure if this is 'normal' after only knowing one another a couple of months, and sometimes I do wonder if he's only after sex... but then we've had sex multiple times at this point, so he's had the opportunity to get his leg over and run. He's also attentive in lots of other ways I mentioned above and has said he is looking for a relationship. I know there is no barometer for normal, but does this sound about right or too much to soon?

OP posts:

leopardandspots · 18/05/2021 07:30

I think whether it's texting about sex (as in OPs case) or talking and frequency (as in my case) it's difficult to know how to respond when it feels beyond what you've experienced before.

I think there's a spectrum... so for example there may be some messages and things you definitely don't want so you'd say a simple no. However there are other things where it feels more overtly sexual than you'd be yourself, and you think is this normal? Is this a male/female drive difference..? Am I just a bit naive?

With my on line guy I honestly don't think he takes viagra or anything. He's very interesting history, politics and stuff but just seems to like sex....a lot.

He's a widower and says that his wife was as keen as him, their sex life was pretty much every day for over 20 years! I don't know, like the OP I keep thinking this can't be quite normal? It's ok whilst we only see each other once or twice a week m, but I'd be apprehensive about living together. Maybe should start my own thread.

flaminjo · 18/05/2021 07:35

Just go with the flow. It's great this phase of a relationship. Enjoy it whilst you can, have some fun. Indulge

Bluedeblue · 18/05/2021 07:37

I think you need someone with a lower sex drive, tbh.

leopardandspots · 18/05/2021 07:43

The opening post said there's no barometer for normal but I guess it would be nice if there was. Especially when you meet someone on-line, there's a deeply buried doubt saying are these texts normal, is this commentary normal, what if he's the local flasher or peeping Tom ...and that you just don't know. But that is illogical when they're kind, funny, wanting a relationship, balanced interests etc,

Lovelydiscusfish · 18/05/2021 07:50

@leopardandspots

I think whether it's texting about sex (as in OPs case) or talking and frequency (as in my case) it's difficult to know how to respond when it feels beyond what you've experienced before.

With my on line guy I honestly don't think he takes viagra or anything. He's very interesting history, politics and stuff but just seems to like sex....a lot.

I don’t think it’s anything to worry about, unless he tries to insist on having it when you don’t really want it, sulks if you say no or whatever. Then of course he’s a total knob and you should bin him.

But just having a high sex drive? That’s just one of those things. Four of the five blokes I have had LTRs with would have had sex pretty much as often as I wanted it, several times a day if I had wanted to (and actually the 5th one was like that to start with too - it just tailed off) I like a lot of sex now so the current one suits me, but in earlier points of my life I didn’t like it so much, so I just said no. The amount of sex you have had to be in line with the sex drive of the person with the lower libido. Everyone even half decent accepts that.....

Sisisimone · 18/05/2021 08:01

What's the problem here ?! I'm Jealous
You don't see any problem with telling a partner you don't like something and them just carrying on? Seriously?
Is he the skirt guy OP?

Justcashnosweets · 18/05/2021 08:06

Me and Dp were like this at the start, I loved it! We're still quite sexual 10 years down the line too, just not as often! But what suits one person doesn't suit another. If your not comfortable with it, I would tell him, and why.

pickledpumpkins · 18/05/2021 08:30

Maybe I'm naive but I think it's sweet that he's so smitten with you and it's fantastic you're compatible. I don't blame you for being cautious, I've heard so many terrible stories from OLD both on here and in RL from friends. Personally I wouldn't enjoy the sexting, but that's just me. I think if it's mutual, go for it but if it's a little too full on, let him know and expect that he adjusts his behaviour accordingly. The fact he's told family and friends definitely sounds like he's in it for a relationship rather than a sex fling.

deeplyambivalent · 18/05/2021 08:31

OP, as PP said, 'normal' is relative. In my younger years I remember relationships where there was a real spark and after a good night together I'd be just walking around permanently horny in a cloud of sex. I would have been very comfortable with those texts. He's probably in that sort of place and wanting you to be equally enthused. (Assuming that the sex acts he's referring to are things you've done and enjoy doing?). So I think he's just into you! Fine if that's not your thing, but I wouldn't take it as any kind of warning sign based on what you've said so far.

Original poster

candler · 18/05/2021 10:46

That's the thing - I am very sexual! It just takes me a while to relax and be comfortable with someone... I am very happy to sext in a relationship, I've just never done it and to this degree so soon into seeing someone. Normally we've at least established exclusivity before all the sex talk starts.

I do think I am over thinking things, as on reflection, the sex talk is probably 50/50 of online conversation - if that. We don't talk sex in person, unless it's in the moment or leading up to IYSWIM! I did tell him to tone it down, and like I said in fairness he did, and when it was brought up again he mentioned the earlier conversation and not wanting me to feel uncomfortable, but I have replied and responded to the sexting at times so he probably is confused. I don't mind sexting and dirty talk as such, I'm just not used to it so soon, I guess it's more insecurity that he's only after one thing! But as PP have said, you've just got to relax and enjoy the ride and whatever will be will be. He has told his friends and family about me, they know me by name as opposed to 'woman he is seeing.' When we bumped into his friends randomly he introduced me to them and they text him afterwards saying I seem lovely. I think these are all very good signs, I need to just relax and see where it goes...

OP posts:

Naimee87 · 18/05/2021 11:20

I actually was never a fan of those kinds of texts either and would sort of feel more embarrassed than anything when i got them. I'd have no clue what to reply with either. But the last man i dated he would send these types of messages all the time and i loved them, he brought out a side of me i didn't know i had. It was obvious from the get-go we had really good chemistry. We aren't together anymore but don't let that put you off, we definitely enjoyed each others company for way more than just sex. So i'm don't think those types of message only point to a man wanting sex and nothing else. Being so desired is always flattering.

Rewis · 18/05/2021 12:36

@candler

But you could tell him just that. You dont feel comfortable with sexting until you are in more established relationships. There is no need to just feel insecure. Also it seems like you are spending a lot of time together and he throws around the word girlfriend. Do you want a relationship with him? If yes, you can initiate the conversation about where this is going and then you will get some clarity if it's just sex. The sexiting itself is not an indication of anything other than he enjoyes sexting.

CorianderBee · 18/05/2021 12:48

I think it certainly can be normal but I agree I wouldn't like it so much. Doesn't sound too weird but I'd just be honest and say it's too much. If he doesn't back off again then he's not listening to you

Original poster

candler · 18/05/2021 13:42

Upon reflection - I think it's a lot more to do with 'is this only a sex thing', and less about the actual sexting itself. I have been reciprocating the sexting at times (more and more as I get to know him), and he did respect my boundary and check-in that I was ok with sex chat.

He told me this morning that he's booked a surprise weekend away for us and is really looking forward to spending time with me, and it's taken a lot of my insecurity and anxiety about it away. You just don't know the intention of any new partner - especially from online - so many are just after sex and I have had the unfortunate experience of sex and ghosting a couple of times, when they'd led me to believe they wanted a relationship.

OP posts:

OhTheTastyNuts · 18/05/2021 14:00

I'm pleased you're feeling better about things OP.

DH and I have been together 17 years and used to send each other texts like that all the time...happy memories :)

Lovelydiscusfish · 18/05/2021 16:36

That sounds sweet about the weekend away.

How do you feel about the “girlfriend”
thing - do you feel comfortable with that? Do you think of him as your boyfriend? If so, it might be worth having that chat, or communicating that in some way anyway, to help you both feel more secure and like you know where you are heading.

My boyfriend described me as his girlfriend a bit earlier than I was thinking in those terms (it was pretty obvious we were exclusive from the start, as we had both discussed on our second date how we were no longer interested in promiscuity/sleeping around - not that we hadn’t both done our fair share of that in the past, and not for ethical reasons - just personal preference).

It took me longer to get there, and it wasn’t actually until about 3 months in, when I told him that I loved him (hadn’t been planning on saying it - it just slipped out) that he said he finally knew that I was serious about it being a relationship, and not just a summer fling. (This was perhaps complicated by the fact that we had both started off just wanting a casual fling, albeit an exclusive one).

He had apparently been feeling quite insecure - I hadn’t realised! I find it too easy to forget that blokes have their feelings and their insecurities just like we do.

OP, your fella sounds decent from what you say - just try and relax and enjoy! Relationships can end for all kinds of reasons so there is no point going around feeling terrified about the future - just enjoy what you have right now!

me4real · 18/05/2021 16:53

he did respect my boundary and check-in that I was ok with sex chat.

Did he, though? I mean, you said you diidn't like it but he started doing it again.

At the very least, he pushed a bit for it to go iin that diirection, after you said you didn't like it.

Original poster

candler · 18/05/2021 17:27

@Lovelydiscusfish

I'm not sure how I feel about the girlfriend thing to be honest. We've had a chat about not sleeping / dating other people, but I'm quite happy to keep it steady and casual for now. It was a throw away comment and I laughed it off, so I'm not sure if he said it accidentally - or as my friends think, deliberately to see what my response would be!

OP posts:

JadedStrumpet · 18/05/2021 19:28

@midnightstar66 A poster who started a thread about a new guy she was seeing. He'd messaged her asking her to wear a skirt next time he saw her even though they'd just started dating.

Pretty sure this is the same guy.

Sisisimone · 18/05/2021 21:19

Yeah wasn't he messaging her telling her to make sure she was wearing a tight red skirt when she came round. This thread really reminds me of him

JadedStrumpet · 18/05/2021 22:36

@Sisisimone Yes I believe so. I recall it all being very icky.

Op hasn't answered the people asking if it's it's same guy. They do sound incredibly similar though.

JadedStrumpet · 18/05/2021 22:37

Is it the same guy @candler?

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