Is this normal at the beginning? Very sexual...

[candler]

Hi, I met a man through Tinder in March and we've seen each other a dozen or so times. It's been a bit inconsistent at times, due to us both having family bereavements etc. in that time.. but the last 3 weeks have been great. We see each other 2-3 times a week, he is always very keen to see me and arrange dates. A lot of the time it has involved me going to his due to the Covid restrictions, but we've done a couple of pub/dinner dates. He goes to a lot of effort for me - cooking elaborate dinners, G&T with garnish on arrival at his, candles, buying snacks and puddings he knows I like. We text throughout the day about work/DC/what were up to and watching on TV. The typical stuff. Last time we met he presented me with a big bouquet of flowers and started throwing around the 'girlfriend' term. We're not official yet, but he will say things like, 'My friends will laugh that I'm doing that with my girlfriend.' That sort of thing. We have amazing chemistry, banter, really get on well and feel comfortable - including sexual chemistry.

What is 'bugging' me, is he seems a lot more openly sexual than me. It takes a while for me to open up to men, when I do I am a naturally very sexual person, but I need time to get to know them. I've told him to tone it down, and in fairness he has and does check I feel comfortable with his messages, but some examples of things he will still say are...

'You looked amazing last night but now I'm so frustrated! Fancy coming over an evening this week?'

'I can't wait for you to do 'x' again to me.' or 'I need you here doing 'x' to me right now!'

'I'm imagining you doing 'x' and it's made me horny.' or 'I've woken up really horny this morning thinking of you!'

It's nice to feel desired and I know he fancies me, I fancy him too and the chemistry is great. I'm just not sure if this is 'normal' after only knowing one another a couple of months, and sometimes I do wonder if he's only after sex... but then we've had sex multiple times at this point, so he's had the opportunity to get his leg over and run. He's also attentive in lots of other ways I mentioned above and has said he is looking for a relationship. I know there is no barometer for normal, but does this sound about right or too much to soon?

@Divebar2021

If he was only talking about sex then that would be one thing but he isn’t. He’s behaving really nicely apparently.... very attentive. I don’t know what kind of perfection you’re seeking?

I agree with this. If you don't want him, send him my way...

It's all in the balance! Plus people vary. He sounds wonderful to be fair. Pudding. Flowers and compliments and communication.

Some men are all about the sex stuff and can be right jerks. The last guy I was with took me for a right ride. Presented himself as lovely and did all the stuff and was very sexual like your guy.

The reason it was dodgy with him thought was
White lies started.
He was obsessed with his ex.
Kept mentioning other women and making out he was a victim of the ladies and harrassed alot
Started putting me down too. Overall starting feeling insecure.

If you feel good and there's no red flags. For example his past with women. Is he bitter it focused on exes? Does he seek a flirt online? Does his words and actions match or is he all talk?
If he takes a genuine interest in your life and cares that you are ok abd happy then he sounds a good guy.

My ex was selfish and all about himself. Didn't seem to show alot of interest in my life looking back. If I needed a chat abotlut a bad day he called me negative.

It's usually whatever your gut is telling you. If you don't want to join in too much with it yet just tell him to behave and laugh it off. Or tell him you are going red and to shush.

Overall he sounds wonderful!

How old are you both?

I've told him to tone it down, and in fairness he has

at least a couple times day he messages something about wanting sex or wanting me to do / wanting to do something sexual to me

If that’s him him toning it down, then he must have been only texting you about sex previously.

I reckon you have posted about him before. This is the guy that was telling you what you would wear to his that evening, and how the evening would go, sexually, how exactly it would all pan out. I’d find his expectations laid out like, that a huge turn off - his way of telling you that just so you know, you are having sex tonight.

I wouldn’t like it either

The op never answered whether she posted before so I’m guessing that was yes

If you don’t like it, tell him. He might think it’s what you want, or that it’s his way of communication how attractive he finds you.
I’d hate it, like others, the word ‘horny’ is massive cringe from me. I have sent and received sexy emails and texts, but it was a lot more suggestive and erotic, whereas I found the blatant nature of what he is sending to be a bit yuck.

That would be a turn off for me, i need to get to know someone really well before anything like that. Any time i feel that sex is the agenda I'm not interested or if it feels pushy. But it doesn't really matter, what matters is how it makes you feel. If you don't like it you need to tell him to slow down a bit

I think this is perhaps more about your fears, OP.
He sounds like he’s doing everything right. If you don’t like it, then tell him so and certainly don’t respond with similar as you have done.
Poor bloke doesn’t know what to do!

It all sounds great. Go with it and good luck x

If those kind of texts make you feel uncomfortable (at least at this point in the relationship) tell him and let him know you want him to either stop sending them for the time being or at least not send them so often.

If you're open enough to actually Be regularly having sex with him which you're enjoying , then surely talking about it is part of the package ?
Obviously nobody should partake in anything they're not comfortable with but I feel that if you're having sex , then sexting is less intrusive than the actual thing ! I have a high sex drive and crave my partner all day long so I'll tell him what I want / am thinking , as he does with me.

Not everyone likes sexting though, I definitely don’t.

I wouldn’t like that. Total cringe and basically I wouldn’t fancy him as much. But that’s just me and at 40 I’m pretty much over that sort of stuff due to chronic ill health and the exhaustion that is a child with complex disabilities so don’t listen to me...! When I was in my 20s I might have felt differently. Now I’m just after a chance to potter in my garden and have a tea in peace so anyone sending me texts about how horny they are is likely to get blocked.

I would say this is normal at the start of a thing, when things tend to be quite sexual (after it's gone that way, I mean.)

But everyone has their likes and dislikes/things they're comfortable and uncomfortable with, maybe based on past experiences.

I think I would find ' I wish you were doing X to me right now' or whatever made me a bit uncomfortable, as it would remind me of my last ex who was very sexually manipulative.

But that's just me based on my past experiences. I've had therapy and am not deeply traumatized by it, it just might shape my likes and dislikes in how I'm spoken to by a partner/lover. And there's nothing wrong with that.

@Happycat1212

Not everyone likes sexting though, I definitely don’t.

That's fair enough but the OP didn't say that , she said she is fairly sexual , they're having good sex, but she takes a while to be comfortable enough to be open about it . I was just saying that sexting is far less intrusive than actual sex , for me . Or at least that is one way of looking at it .

This would bother me. I'm not an open, out there kind of person and this just feels too full on for me. A bit of a put off. Sounds like a horny teenager rather than someone I would prefer.

Sounds within bounds of what is normal. But if you don’t like it say so / or say specifically what you don’t like eg mention of specific acts

I would find this my worst nightmare but then I am late 50’s. I wouldn’t have liked it in my 20s or 30s though if I am honest. Personally OP though if you don’t mind a bit of it I would just tell him that although you like sex and him , you don’t like sexting , so can he stop it.

It’s normal for some guys. I wouldn’t like it but I find that stuff cringe. Me and my ex used to send pictures etc but the minute he’d send a message saying he wanted me to do .... would give me the Ick. Just sounds like a horny teenager to me. If it makes you happy and your up for it then good luck

Just reply to his next message with something like “hold that thought til I see you - actions speak so much louder than words!”

I

Being overtly sexual doesn't mean someone is only interested in sex.
If he was being like this and not being arsed to get to know you or make the effort otherwise I'd say red flag, but this seems fine...
AS LONG AS you're ok with it. If you don't like it, tell him.

It all sounds lovely with the exception of the irritating 'can't wait to finger you' texts which I wouldn't find a turn on at all.

Hello OP. I am a middle aged women, been married for 26 years, so perhaps I am a bit old fashioned, out of the game for a long time. Anyway, I have to say that I never had an exchange like this with my BF or husband and think that they are vulgar, crude and totally unacceptable. Would definitely not turn me on. Sorry. Just my five cents.

What is it is that men find this sort of chat a turn on and most would feel extremely complimented and turned on if you were to text him those sorts of things.
He’s texting you the words he would find flattering / sexy and that he would want to hear as he thinks this will be a compliment to you and make you like him even more.

Its about personal preference. Dp and I send messages like that to each other most days even a year or so on, but we both like it so thats good for both of us. If you dont like it then thats different.