Men on OLD asking detailed questions

[Rozziie]

Not sure if this is a weird thing to be worried about, but I've had a situation a couple of times now where a man has asked a question, I've answered giving the level of detail I felt comfortable giving, and then he's asked for more detail. This makes me feel uncomfortable and as if the person is being invasive...I understand that they might be keen to get to know more about me but why do they need to know detail about someone they haven't even met?

An example...someone asked me where in London I live and I say 'north east' and he then says 'whereabouts'. I don't particularly want to give my exact location to random strangers. I deflected the question and he got arsey about it, saying I was weird and evasive, so I blocked him as I felt he was overstepping boundaries. Another one this evening has asked me where one of my photos was taken...it's actually somewhere in my parents' village, which is quite small, so I gave an approximate location (think: 'rural north Wales') and then he asks 'where exactly'? Is it just me or is this really weird and intrusive? Why on earth does it matter where the photo was taken? Why does he need to know?

Am I overreacting to this? I just genuinely don't see the need to give potentially identifying information about myself, and it makes me think they must have a lack of empathy if they don't get why I wouldn't want to! I don't understand this obsession with wanting more detail about totally unimportant things when they could just have a conversation with me about just about anything else. It makes me feel like I'm being grilled or something. Why not reply saying 'it looks like a lovely place. I went to somewhere similar last year bla bla...' instead of firing questions at me?

I agree with you, it's too pushy. I had this on OLD. I work in a school but would just respond a school in (this area of town) and they'd grill me for which exact one. Trust your instincts.

I agree they do seem really pushy wanting to know where I work, if I'm on social media, one guy tried calling me through the app soon as we matched and I said that was too much pressure when I wasn't expecting it but kept going on saying speaking was the quickest way to get know each other, well I'm not in a rush and didn't agree! I delete them if they get invasive too quickly.

I think maybe you are being a bit suspicious. If I saw somewhere nice i would want to know where it was in case I might try to go there one day. If it makes you uncomfortable why not try changing the subject and if they keep pushing you know its weird!

I think I would have more problem with the first question than the second. Assuming he didn't know the pic was taken in your parents village that wouldn't be identifying. Either way, if someone is arsey with you because you don't want to disclose stuff that's a red flag.

Yea I mentioned the industry I worked in in response to being asked what I did for a living - this was only the second of third message. Then this person kept pressuring me to say what company exactly. I refused so he started going on about my ‘mysterious job’. Blocked him, why should I give out where I work to someone i’ve never met and only ever exchanged a couple of messages with?

Is it one of those things where men and women have very different risk assessments for the same situation? He's probably thinking I want to show an interest here, I should ask proper questions. But as a woman you're thinking of all that could go wrong if a random on the internet knows too much about where you live.

@PriestessofPing Yes, this is what the first guy I mentioned did! Started being all arsey about it being 'some big secret' where I lived! Yes, it is a secret...I don't want randoms knowing where I live because it's a fairly small place. How do they not get this?!

@PinkArt It might be, but doesn't this show a massive lack of empathy and understanding? How can a man in 2021 not understand why a woman would be reluctant to give out personal info to a total stranger? I have no idea who this person is, if the photos are even him, if he is who he says he is, nothing.

I had this got all stroppy when I wouldn’t give an exact location and this was on the day that poor woman was missing in london- all over the news - really couldn’t get why I wouldn’t say where I lived and then tried the why so secretive you got something to hide !

Going against the grain. I think you're being a bit weird about it.

I understand what you're saying and why that would feel intrusive, especially if they get arsey about it. I think a decent guy would get it. On the other hand it sounds like they're wanting to get to know you. If someone answered 'north east london' then I would also ask whereabouts and I would find the evasion a bit unusual. London is a big place, it's not like you're giving him your address by disclosing the name of your nearest tube station. If it was me, and if the guy otherwise seemed ok, then I would prob just make a joke of anything like that and say "I'm not gonna tell you, you could be an axe murderer!" and hope he gets the hint. And if he doesn't & keeps hassling then fuck off and block.

@Dogfan are you a man or a woman?

I could understand if the picture was some amazing unique scenery or something but it was literally of a bog standard tree...why in God's name would anyone need to know where exactly it was? It just feels extremely weird, and in the next message he asked another invasive question about my job...has it not occurred to him that if I wanted to give more detail, I would have?

The entire conversation has been like this:

'Where do you live?'
Me: 'North London'
'Whereabouts exactly?'
Me trying to not say
'Where was that picture taken?'
Me: 'Oh that was taken last summer when I was visiting my parents in Wales'
'Oh it doesn't look like Wales! Whereabouts is it?'
Me: 'North Wales, in the middle of nowhere'
'Whereabouts in the middle of nowhere'?

Like, isn't this just bloody weird? Like instead of asking and asking about a picture of a bloody tree, why didn't he just change the subject, or ask me if I visit my parents often, or anything else at all?

I've had men like this get all snarky and tell me I'm boring and have no substance but they just don't seem to understand how to hold a normal conversation? I don't want to be interrogated and questioned! I can't even see how to rectify this without them taking it the wrong way, because if they don't already understand why it's weird and uncomfortable, how can I help them? I don't even understand how any of this is supposed to help someone get to know me...surely that would be much better served by asking me what I think about something currently on the news, or what my opinion was on a place I've travelled to, or what I want to do in the future? Like imagine I told him the name of the village where the photo was taken...what exactly is he going to do with that information? I don't get it.

@AnnaSW1 why do you think it's weird? Even if you personally would be happy to give the info, would you not understand why others might not be?

My parents live in a village of about 70 people. Yes, most likely scenario is it's fine, but what if this person turned out to be a total psycho down the line? Now he knows where they live, and where I often am...why would I take that risk when there's absolutely nothing to gain from it? What does he even have to gain by asking?

Where precisely do you live in SW1, Anna? ;)

I think asking these questions is fairly normal, after all when chatting with someone you don't know you have to generate conversation from something. Asking the town a picture was taken in or which town you live in seems a perfectly normal thing to ask.

However, if your response to the question indicates you don't want to say then it's a bit crass to keep pushing you for it.

I agree with Pixysmoke, a jovial response such as "I'm not gonna tell you, you could be an axe murderer!" should be enough of a hint for a reasonable person to change the conversation. If they keep pushing then you know what to do....

@Pixysmoke London is a big place, but some of the places in it aren't. If I were to give the name of my area/tube station, it would be pretty easy for someone to find me there just by hanging around for a bit. I often hang out in the few cafes and pubs in the area and I know most of the business owners by name (and they know me). It would make me feel quite vulnerable for a stranger to know where I lived, so I really just prefer not to say.

I've started now giving out a fake location to prevent the hassling and interrogation, but that doesn't seem right either. I'd rather they just respected why I wouldn't want to say.

North London and North Wales are big areas. Even if you mention Hampstead or Snowdonia you're hardly going to be giving your GPS coordinates!

I was the same. Very reluctant to give precise details. Didn’t discuss my children. Vague answers to job.

Think cos it’s OLD and you have to be wary

OP I do think these men are rude, however, I have to point something out.

I've had men like this get all snarky and tell me I'm boring and have no substance but they just don't seem to understand how to hold a normal conversation?

But then you said your "conversation" was like this:

Him: Question
You: Answer
Him: Question
You: Answer
Him: Question
You: Answer
Him: Question
You: Answer

This isn't a normal conversation. Not as I understand it. He's asked you a question because he's making conversation, not because he gives a shit about the "Whereabouts are you" and you said "North London", did you not think to add "How about you?" Because - you know - that's a conversation. Not just him interrogating and you answering.

I think if you start asking questions back, you'll find this problem pretty much disappears.

Sorry my penultimate para should read

This isn't a normal conversation. Not as I understand it. He's asked you a question because he's making conversation, not because he gives a shit about the answer. When he asked, "Whereabouts are you?" and you said "North London", did you not think to add "How about you?" Because - you know - that's a conversation. Not just him interrogating and you answering.

I think it's quite a good way of sifting through men with poor boundaries and / or who are too pushy. Any time something like that was pushed when I had clearly not wanted to elaborate, it was an immediate no from me.

Oh for sure @Rozziie. You'd always hope they get it but I think alarming numbers still don't. That stat circulating recently about how 99% of women have been sexually harassed surprised virtually no women but seemed to be news to a lot of men. If nothing else, if they are being dicks about it, at least it's a way of weeding the creeps out

Yeah it's weird and inappropriate.

I reckon their are masses of cocklodgers online sizing up their next caretaker.

Be sure to delete location data from pics you send too.

My bf asks very detailed questions. It obviously.different cause I trust him and there is no security aspect. However, I tend to answer to questions quite vaguely cause I really don't think anyone cares. I went to town to run some errands and stopped to grab some lunch and came home is a sufficient answer. But he will ask what errands, who with, what lunch etc. He is not controlling or jealous. It's his way of being interested. He gets frustrated that I'm vague and feels like I'm hiding stuff and I feel like he is invading my privacy (okay, this was simplistically put and we are doing fine 😁).

I would not be comfortable saying more details online but could be that they are not being creepy about it, just clueless and trying to find info in getting to know way. How about when this happens, you say that you are not comfortable giving more details until you know him better due to not knowing him. If he responds badly and is completely unaware of safety for women then he is not worth a date.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation this was an example of how they would push for info...of course I asked stuff back! They would answer what I asked and then go back to their previous question and ask for detail rather than moving on. That's what I mean.