Men on OLD asking detailed questions

[Rozziie]

Not sure if this is a weird thing to be worried about, but I've had a situation a couple of times now where a man has asked a question, I've answered giving the level of detail I felt comfortable giving, and then he's asked for more detail. This makes me feel uncomfortable and as if the person is being invasive...I understand that they might be keen to get to know more about me but why do they need to know detail about someone they haven't even met?

An example...someone asked me where in London I live and I say 'north east' and he then says 'whereabouts'. I don't particularly want to give my exact location to random strangers. I deflected the question and he got arsey about it, saying I was weird and evasive, so I blocked him as I felt he was overstepping boundaries. Another one this evening has asked me where one of my photos was taken...it's actually somewhere in my parents' village, which is quite small, so I gave an approximate location (think: 'rural north Wales') and then he asks 'where exactly'? Is it just me or is this really weird and intrusive? Why on earth does it matter where the photo was taken? Why does he need to know?

Am I overreacting to this? I just genuinely don't see the need to give potentially identifying information about myself, and it makes me think they must have a lack of empathy if they don't get why I wouldn't want to! I don't understand this obsession with wanting more detail about totally unimportant things when they could just have a conversation with me about just about anything else. It makes me feel like I'm being grilled or something. Why not reply saying 'it looks like a lovely place. I went to somewhere similar last year bla bla...' instead of firing questions at me?

Personally when a man asked me for forensic detail of where I lived I assumed if was because he wanted to know is I was local enough for a shag!

Trust your instinct. Your gut will tell you the difference between a conversation and an interrogation/probe. A man who does not understand and gets angry at you is pushing your boundaries. Big red flag and lucky escape for you.

The respectful ones will sense your reticence and back off without the drama.

I imagine for some of these men they are just looking for common ground. I still wouldn't offer up details, but might say something like, "Why do you ask - do you know that area?"

Yeah he sounds deranged.

Next!

As others have said, trust your gut.

I don't think you can assume these types of intrusive questioners are just trying to find out how local you are, as some have suggested. In any case, how would that explain the persistent asking about where the photo was taken near your parents' village? I suspect a lot of this type of thing is boundary testing I.e how easily will you crack to give away something you clearly don't want to? That type of man is obviously one you want to stay well clear of.

I can understand the question about North London and I would assume someone would ask this if distance was an issue for them. Giving an area would be fine I.e. I live I Enfield.

However from your updates he does sound odd so I'd just block.

If a man is pushing at boundaries and not reading or heeding a woman's reluctance before they even meet, how might he behave when they do?!

I think this sort of thing is a great way to weed out the non-starters.

Don't people ever wonder what the killers who go for the rough sex/she asked me to strangle her defence were like when chatting to their victim online?

OP from the info you gave in your original post you are being arsey and a bit difficult if someone asks you whereabouts in London do you live. It's a completely friendly and sensible question. Its a huge city. It is small talk and making conversation - it is also a practical question. Its quite hard to date someone completely on the other fringe of London to you.

You are now saying they are circling round to ask you where you live again asking for more and more detail so that is invasive. But if you only said you lived in London then they aren't trying to find out more and more info - you've hardly given any to start with. And no-one is expecting you to tell them the street. That's meaningless - I would have no clue where Springcroft Gardens is in Bromley - I don't even know where Bromley is and have never been there.

I would be put off by someone who refused to say what part of London they lived in. But it would helpfully signal who they were for me. If they're difficult about such a simple question they're going to be pretty hard work.

Answering the question then throwing it back to them as has been suggested, i.e. I live in North London, where do you live ?

The photo was taken in North Wales. Have you been there ? Oh, from your questions I wondered if you have visited and wondered if you recognised it.

Just keep chucking the questions back at him. Then he feels he's had answers/information and has given you information too. Which is an opportunity to talk about himself which he will enjoy. Hopefully, he will forget wanting to know the post code of the exact tree or sheep you were standing beside when the photo was taken.

If not, and he can't be distracted by chit chat. Then, count up the red flags and decide what you will do next.

Some blokes will somehow trick someone into giving them their phone number or address i.e. being light hearted about it when asking. Then, as far as he is concerned, you are interested otherwise why tell him where you live/give phone number (that you were somehow coerced into giving).

The pushiness gets covered up too, they will often snap that "there are so many wind ups" to pressure women into letting go of boundaries and pressuring them into letting go of any distance.

Could just be their way of making conversation or could be a way of finding out where you live if they become stalky

@Bouledeneige the point is that I give as much info as I feel comfortable giving in the situation. If I'm not sure about the guy and I have no idea where he lives yet, I keep it very general ('north east'). That still narrows it down quite a bit, and if there's a genuine reason he wants to know exactly where (like thinking it might be awkward to get to), he's surely free to ask that in a friendly way that doesn't imply I'm being rude or cagey? Like say something like "Just wondered if it's on the Victoria line because I'm in Brixton' or something? Instead of going 'whereabouts? whereabouts?'

It seems to me like you're being difficult. I'm not saying 'London', I'm giving a sub-region of London which is only a few square miles! Being more specific than that would mean naming my local station, which I've already explained will narrow my location down to within a few streets, and I'd really rather not do that until I've established the person isn't a lunatic.

Also think I are being OTT over these questions. Especially in the example you gave about the asking questions about your job. Asking what kind of marketing and what you do in fashion marketing is very reasonable questions that help the conversation flow. You don't need to name your employer obviously but it's only human curiosity to want to know what kind of things you are up to at wotk

Don't think OLD is for you if you find it so difficult to talk about yourself and your life

@Cloudfrost I don't find it difficult at all. I don't understand why some people seem to have such poor conversational skills, or that's how I perceive it, anyway. I've given examples of the way I would ask questions and follow-up questions in a way which actually encourages conversation and discussion rather than just probing for more detail for the sake of it. The entire point of chatting is to draw out people's personality, sense of humour, etc., not to get a list of 'facts'.

I don't really understand how going 'what kind of fashion marketing?' is supposed to help the conversation flow. What is anyone going to get from that? I could say 'belts' or 'yellow cardigans'...how would the answer help someone get to know me? Would it not be better to ask me what a typical day is like for me, if I get on with my colleagues, why I chose the industry....there are a million things to ask which actually provoke interesting conversation that aren't just 'what kind of marketing? what kind of fashion? what kind of yellow cardigans?' It's not only weirdly intrusive to keep probing like that, it's also really quite boring and lazy. I couldn't imagine someone in real life firing questions at you like that, so I don't know why it's OK on OLD. Seems like a lot of people don't agree, though!

@Rozziie 1) I stand by my cement that you seem a little adversarial in your communication style.

2. I dont think OLD is for you. Maybe speed dating when there's no time to go into great detail might be better?

you need to accept the fact that people conduct conversations in different ways. i am also very that the simple questions of what kind of marketing is intrusive but questions like what a typical day is like for me, if I get on with my colleagues, why I chose the industry are deemed ok, and non intrusive...

gonna also say again...OLD is not made for you if you have such massive privacy concerns

@Cloudfrost I'm genuinely stunned that you don't get it. Maybe I'm not being clear or I'm not explaining myself well, because you seem to think the problem is that I don't want to talk about myself, even though I've said multiple times that it isn't that. I said I don't want to reveal specific, detailed, potentially identifying information such as where I live or work or where my family live.

Those questions I suggested are not intrusive, as in they are not going to identify me, or where I live, or where I work, are they? Yes, they will reveal a lot about me as a person, which is the entire point!!! This is surely the sort of information that someone wanting to get to know you would want, to be able to build up a picture of your personality? Sharing anecdotes about your day, what you enjoy, what annoys you, your life goals? Rather than knowing the specific village in Wales where a picture of a tree was taken, or whether I market jeans or handbags?

I'm not sure I can be any clearer than I have been and I'm not sure whether I'm not explaining myself well or not. In my mind, there is absolutely no good reason that anyone would ever need to know where someone they've just met on OLD lives or works or what their exact home town is (as I have said along, general area, and 'general area' meaning as specific as about five square miles, is fine). None of these things really help to build up a picture of the person or provide anything useful, but the wrong person finding them out could result in no end of problems down the line.

Maybe I'm the weirdo, because I would never think to just ask more and more specific and more specific questions, ignoring someone's obvious discomfort and reluctance, about something someone has said without moving the conversation on myself...it honestly reminds me of how a toddler talks. "Mummy, where are we going? Into town? Where in town, Mummy? To the shopping centre? Which shop, Mummy?" That's genuinely how these kind of interactions feel to me. It's not a normal or natural adult way to interact. It's irritating and abrasive and frankly quite weird. Maybe it's just me?

You are coming across as brittle op
I've asked every Londoner I've ever met/chatted to whereabouts they live as I'm fairly familiar with several parts of London so it's a good way for finding common (conversational) ground.

However I think you are absolutely right not to give out any information you are not happy to give out when chatting online.
You have to start chatting with so many burks to find a good one, why risk one of the idiots being dangerous/intrusive too?

We all have our boundaries (or we should!) and you've got yours, I think that's great.
You don't have to stop OLD.

@littlebite LOL I am anything but brittle. I've had some bad experiences and am careful about giving out certain information, particularly to men who I have a bad gut feeling about and think may be boundary pushing types. I've never ignored this gut feeling and then had it turn out well, to be honest.

I feel like a man who is understanding and empathetic might think 'that's a bit weird she's being vague about location, but maybe she's had a bad experience' and not mention it, and try to put me at ease through chatting and friendly conversation? Rather than being snipey and sarcastic?

I reckon you can say your borough without being stalked later on. It's fine to ask why they want to know as well. And you don't have to say it in an accusatory way, you can be humorous about it. Or you can skirt the truth, 'my parents lived there in the 80s, I still drive through every now and then'. But I think you're doing well to block them when you feel like it, it's good to be fussy. Men aren't on the whole as worried about being stalked so I doubt it's entering their heads that they're getting creepy. They're probably too busy reciting mantras like 'show an interest in her interests', 'don't say anything sexual yet', 'don't talk about yourself too much'. And it's not up to you to explain that it's creepy, just move on when you don't like it and find someone you feel comfortable with and can read your cues.

Also, sorry for posting twice, but a few miles in London becomes a completely different part of London. I don't think you need to worry too much about talking about London because it's so densely populated. I would never in a million years try to find someone by knowing their closest tube station. Did you grow up in a rural area? I was born and raised in the same part London my whole life and someone would have to ask a lot of people around my tube stations before they found someone that knew me and could give out my address. Maybe try OLD with a different name but allow yourself to be more specific about the area?

Yanbu OP. A snarky response or a persistent approach, rather than being respectful and backing off slightly, dont bode well.
Trust your instincts.

It could be as simple as they have a small bio, and picture to look at. And haven't much more to go on. So investigate those things in front of them. Perhaps through their own lack of imagination. People look for hooks, threads, ways into conversation. And they could well be trying to suss out if the other person on the end is genuine too. Asking about a photo, to try and get an honest bit of detail might be their own personal filtering mechanism. But also, if it feels like unwanted probing, it could well be just that.

OP, you don't have to explain yourself. You know in your heart what is intrusive and robotic probing, v a free flowing conversation with polite interest. A man, even if he is a little unpolished and does not know how to make conversation and put your back up instead, is not likely to be suitable anyway. Why bother to waste time on him.

Statistically 99% of men on OLD are not suitable for you. You don't have to give any of them the time of day if they make you feel cornered even before you met them. Who cares. It is wasting your time and theirs.

I only tried OLD for a very short time but I found the majority of men I chatted with seemed not to get that they needed to be interesting and charming if I was ever going to meet with them IRL. They instead went through a list of questions to obtain information and then if I passed their tests, would immediately want to switch to the phone. It was totally off putting. They really just saw it as an assessment process, not an engagement with a real human being.