Men on OLD asking detailed questions

[Rozziie]

Not sure if this is a weird thing to be worried about, but I've had a situation a couple of times now where a man has asked a question, I've answered giving the level of detail I felt comfortable giving, and then he's asked for more detail. This makes me feel uncomfortable and as if the person is being invasive...I understand that they might be keen to get to know more about me but why do they need to know detail about someone they haven't even met?

An example...someone asked me where in London I live and I say 'north east' and he then says 'whereabouts'. I don't particularly want to give my exact location to random strangers. I deflected the question and he got arsey about it, saying I was weird and evasive, so I blocked him as I felt he was overstepping boundaries. Another one this evening has asked me where one of my photos was taken...it's actually somewhere in my parents' village, which is quite small, so I gave an approximate location (think: 'rural north Wales') and then he asks 'where exactly'? Is it just me or is this really weird and intrusive? Why on earth does it matter where the photo was taken? Why does he need to know?

Am I overreacting to this? I just genuinely don't see the need to give potentially identifying information about myself, and it makes me think they must have a lack of empathy if they don't get why I wouldn't want to! I don't understand this obsession with wanting more detail about totally unimportant things when they could just have a conversation with me about just about anything else. It makes me feel like I'm being grilled or something. Why not reply saying 'it looks like a lovely place. I went to somewhere similar last year bla bla...' instead of firing questions at me?

Yes! I think it is indeed that it's also just getting my back up feeling like I'm being assessed. That probing way of communicating to gain information is just not normal human behaviour in my eyes. As I've said several times on this thread, nobody would do this in the pub or anywhere else in real life, so why is it considered acceptable on OLD? What's the weird obsession with what you do for a living, down to minute details, or whether living slightly too far away means you'll be discarded? Where's the friendly chat, talking about your day, plans for the next year, current affairs? What happened to actually approaching someone like a human being instead of some box ticking exercise?

I either have to give info I don't want to give, or refuse to say (awkward!) or ignore the question (weird/rude).
Why awkward? You could say something like "I'll tell you the details if and when we get as far as meeting up :)" or "I like to get to know people a bit better before I give out my address :)" - or does that feel awkward to you? From the reactions you describe it sounds as if your present tactic is coming across as shifty, which doesn't sound ideal either.

Even if a man is theoretically aware that a woman is more at risk of stalkers than he is, he might not have thought through every single practical implication - and even if he has considered the topic in detail, he might just automatically come out with a question like "Whereabouts?" because it's a common response in polite chitchat. Even a decent man might need a polite reminder.

If they are persistently probing and weird even though you've communicated with them clearly, just be pleased you found out before wasting any further time on them. In real life, if they sidled up to you in the pub, you'd see within seconds that they were not your type and wouldn't waste any further thought on them.

If you don't like the blokes' (most of these examples quite normal) style of converation, just move on to another bloke.

For sure if you get a bad vibe from them don't have anything more to do with them.

As I've said several times on this thread, nobody would do this in the pub or anywhere else in real life

I think they would to some extent. Definitely if someone said 'North Wales' aboout anything I think a lot of people would go 'oh, where?' to continue the conversation or in case they'd heard of the place.

I don't know if part of it is some of these blokes are thicker or more working class than you or something.

What's the weird obsession with what you do for a living, down to minute details

I think a fair few people would definitely say 'what sort of marketing?' IRL.

Maybe you need to meet someone through some sort of shared interest or something, something creative.

Where's the friendly chat, talking about your day, plans for the next year, current affairs?

These are the sort of thing that people might then go on to talk about. Though maybe some people try and avoid politics.

They'd soon give up with me. Nobody gets instant information on where I live or work, or anything else that's identifiable. Fucking cheek.

You're totally right. There's three types of men who do this -

• Weridos who, yes, want to deduct exactly where you live so they have the opportunity to stalk you, turn up at your house uninvited, or love bomb you by sending you gifts through the post.
• Men who are too emotionally thick to realise that asking for this information makes a woman very vulnerable. The lack of imagination and empathy us not a good sign.
• Men who are dominating, who think you owe them this information. They say jump, and you're supposed to respond with 'How high?' They do not like or recognise the word 'no'

-

Also, don't listen to anyone on here who is criticising you for this. You are being entirely sensible. You don't know these men. They could be total wackos. Even in real life women need to be cautious because they're being vulnerable around a human being who is twice as strong and fast as they are, therefore, it's extra important for women to be able to judge the basics a man's character early on. I wonder what these men would answer to a question like 'If you had a daughter, do you think it would be a good idea for her to give her location/neighbourhood/village to men she's literally just met over the internet'? My guess is that their answer would be a big fat NO.

I'm from a rural area myself and in a village that small it's incredibly easy to figure out where someone lives, given enough information. Let's say you have a photo of you next to a distinctive looking tree or garden plants - if that's at the front of the house it wouldn't take that long for someone obsessive to figure out exactly which house it is, even on Google Maps, especially if the village is quite close together and not spread out.

I'm female and even if I was speaking to another woman online as a friend, and she said she was also from the same area, it wouldn't occur to me to ask her exactly which village it was. Maybe her nearest town, but I wouldn't be that interested tbh.

I don't know if part of it is some of these blokes are thicker or more working class than you or something

@me4real

More working class than you?? Jesus. If you want to see what's still wrong with England's classist system, this is a fine example.

@EarthSight I'm working class, I live in a council tower block. I meant that by and large, people from different backgrounds and/or with different levels of intelligence or education do talk in different ways from each other.

That's just a fact.