Men on OLD asking detailed questions

[Rozziie]

Not sure if this is a weird thing to be worried about, but I've had a situation a couple of times now where a man has asked a question, I've answered giving the level of detail I felt comfortable giving, and then he's asked for more detail. This makes me feel uncomfortable and as if the person is being invasive...I understand that they might be keen to get to know more about me but why do they need to know detail about someone they haven't even met?

An example...someone asked me where in London I live and I say 'north east' and he then says 'whereabouts'. I don't particularly want to give my exact location to random strangers. I deflected the question and he got arsey about it, saying I was weird and evasive, so I blocked him as I felt he was overstepping boundaries. Another one this evening has asked me where one of my photos was taken...it's actually somewhere in my parents' village, which is quite small, so I gave an approximate location (think: 'rural north Wales') and then he asks 'where exactly'? Is it just me or is this really weird and intrusive? Why on earth does it matter where the photo was taken? Why does he need to know?

Am I overreacting to this? I just genuinely don't see the need to give potentially identifying information about myself, and it makes me think they must have a lack of empathy if they don't get why I wouldn't want to! I don't understand this obsession with wanting more detail about totally unimportant things when they could just have a conversation with me about just about anything else. It makes me feel like I'm being grilled or something. Why not reply saying 'it looks like a lovely place. I went to somewhere similar last year bla bla...' instead of firing questions at me?

Yabu for me. I want to know exactly where the person lives from the beginning because I don't want to date someone who it'll take me more than twenty minutes to get to. Just don't. So, I need to know fairly exactly.

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes, that's what I think it is. It's not the specific problem of him knowing my local tube station, it's that I've very clearly not wanted to be more specific and then he's pushed, rather than taking the hint and moving on. It gives me a kind of bad feeling in my gut, to be honest. I'm not sure whether I'm reading too much into a small annoyance or whether it's a sign of something bigger.

[quote Rozziie]@EvenMoreFuriousVexation this was an example of how they would push for info...of course I asked stuff back! They would answer what I asked and then go back to their previous question and ask for detail rather than moving on. That's what I mean.[/quote]
Oh dear. I took you... VERY literally 🙈

In that case these men are rude and pushy wankers, so I guess - think of them as very conveniently screening themselves out!

Even if the guy doesn't mean to be a creep, I just find it hard to know how to answer once these additional questions are asked. I either have to give info I don't want to give, or refuse to say (awkward!) or ignore the question (weird/rude). I don't understand why they come back to the topic and don't just take the hint and move on once I've changed it.

Like, after the Wales photo question, I asked 'what about you? Do you like climbing and hiking too? Have you spent much time in Wales?' And instead of moving the conversation on, he answered it in 2 lines and then went 'whereabouts in the middle of nowhere'? about the photo of me next to a tree?!

I agree. It’s pretty obviously why you don’t want exact location identified.

Why can't you just say 'I'm not comfortable giving out more specifics on that until I get to know you better' and then change the subject and ask him something else?
I think you'd get a far better response if you were just open about not wanting to answer, rather than being evasive.

[quote Rozziie]@youvegottenminuteslynn yes, that's what I think it is. It's not the specific problem of him knowing my local tube station, it's that I've very clearly not wanted to be more specific and then he's pushed, rather than taking the hint and moving on. It gives me a kind of bad feeling in my gut, to be honest. I'm not sure whether I'm reading too much into a small annoyance or whether it's a sign of something bigger.[/quote]
You're so right to take note of it.

I don't like men who push boundaries in any way. It's ok if you're that way too!

They say you see what a man is really like the first time you say 'no' to them, about anything. You're just getting that bit out of the way nice and quickly!

@Smidge001 because I've had far worse responses from saying that...butthurt men suddenly becoming aggressive and telling me not all men are dangerous, and that I won't meet anyone if I'm so guarded, etc. I've learned never to suggest to a man that he might be dangerous...most of the time, they take offence. I always think, the ones who get it don't need to be told.

Am I being too demanding? :/

Just to add another thing in..
If someone was asking 'Whereabouts in rural north Wales' I would assume that they have a connection with the area, so I'd maybe say "Oh do you know that area well?". If they said no then that would ring alarm bells to me. If they said "yes we used to go on family holidays in North Wales and I love it there" then I think it's perfectly obvious why they would show curiosity.

I always think, the ones who get it don't need to be told.

Stick with your guns on this. No matter what the topic - it's absolutely bang on.

It's like when people say 'just tell him he should help more with the housework.' I don't want a man who needs to be told to contribute (help is SUCH an annoying word as it implies doing a favour!) to the cleanliness of the home in which he lives.

When you meet a gooden you'll pat yourself on the back for sticking to your guns on this.

@Pixysmoke yeah, that makes sense. I just think it seems way less weird and creepy if someone explains why they want to know?

Like saying they know the area well and hence being curious about whether they might have been there....comes across as way more normal than just interrogating! That applies to every social interaction, really, not just dating.

I think you're being a bit weird too tbh. It sounds like they're trying to be conversational and find a jumping off point and you come across evasive.

What sort of questions do you ask them and how do you follow up their replies ?

Good grief, is this a thing?

I'd just say, "Sorry, I thought this was OLD but you seem to have slipped into LoD so my answer is "No comment"!

@Gilda152 but what would they have to gain by asking? That's what I don't get. Suppose I tell them exactly where some random photo was taken...what are they going to do with that information?

If I ask someone, 'where do you live?' and they say 'south London', I'll say something like 'Oh, I don't know south London very well but I have been to Brixton a few times because a good friend lives there, and I love Brockwell Park. Have you been living around there long? Any hidden gems to recommend?'

This gives a few things they can respond to and expand on if they want to ("I actually live in Brixton!" or "I love Brockwell Park too - have you been to the festival thing that's on there?") and gives them direct questions to reply to which aren't probing for personal information or asking for their exact location. Do you not think this is far more useful for getting to know someone than going "whereabouts in south London?" like some kind of interrogation?

I think it’s always better to be safe than sorry even if you are overreacting.

However there are a LOT of fake profiles and I know some men want to make sure you’re real so by asking more in depth questions can sometimes prove you are real.

I had a man saying he lived in the same city as me and I had a gut feeling he was lying so I asked him about particular names of places.

What's OLD?

I completely agree with you.

I was scammed on a dating site so I belatedly developed quite defensive radar and frankly anything that seemed weird I just thought, either this IS weird or at best we're not clicking. And I had a lot of men get very defensive if I actually told them I was being at all cautious about meeting them... they would huff about how they were taking a risk too, to which I would just think, well, to some extent in which case you should be cautious too, and also, not the kind of risk I'm taking matey. (Especially as I was sex dating for a while, tbh I took some ridiculous risks). Those ones i usually made allowances for being clueless rather than weird but you don't have to make any allowances if you don't want to.

Yes thats weird and intrusive and made you uncomfortable

I think you are being weird. Esp. the first. Surely you would st least say e.g "putney" as you need thst info to see if going to verify convenient to meet / where you might go / be a helpful conversation starter.

If a guy OLD (I met my husband old) didn't give me that info I would find it really odd and would probably think it a flag. It isnt like you are giving them your address! And if you do feel uncomfortable, explain it. It is a totally normal follow on question. I would ask it.

I would just give the Borough you live in rather than the specific place, that way it’s not an actual lie but not the exact location either. (Obviously only works if you don’t live in the named borough)

@Bumbers it isn't really the same for a guy though. I know there are women stalkers too, but the risks are much, much higher for women on apps than for men. I always meet first dates somewhere central or at least somewhere a fair distance from my area, so there's really no need to give an exact location that early on, before you've even discussed meeting up.

'North east' does narrow it down to just a few areas, and gives an idea of the general area and where would be handy to get to from there. I would never normally be more specific than that until we'd had at least a couple of dates and I was confident they were at least who they said they were, and didn't give off alarming vibes.

OLD = On line dating.

*Smidge001because I've had far worse responses from saying that...butthurt men suddenly becoming aggressive and telling me not all men are dangerous, and that I won't meet anyone if I'm so guarded, etc. I've learned never to suggest to a man that he might be dangerous...most of the time, they take offence. I always think, the ones who get it don't need to be told.

Am I being too demanding? *

No, you're letting the unpleasant ones filter themselves out. The ones who get arsey when you try to joke-but-serious "You could be an axe murderer!" would it help if you flipped it a bit and instead say "Oh dear, you've never been stalked have you?"

I still think it is unusual. North East could be pretty central or really far out. A slightly smaller area is risky/unreasonable. I would find it odd. So I think at least you could explain it, rather than just assuming they would get it. It would never occur to me (a woman) that was your concern, so I don't think it is strange that they wouldn't. I would probably avoid someone so evasive.

Obviously- you don't have to share any information you are not comfortable sharing. My point is more that I don't think they are unreasonable to ask, even repeatedly, and so if you don't want to share you should explain rather than being evasive or assuming the worst of them.