Men on OLD asking detailed questions

[Rozziie]

Not sure if this is a weird thing to be worried about, but I've had a situation a couple of times now where a man has asked a question, I've answered giving the level of detail I felt comfortable giving, and then he's asked for more detail. This makes me feel uncomfortable and as if the person is being invasive...I understand that they might be keen to get to know more about me but why do they need to know detail about someone they haven't even met?

An example...someone asked me where in London I live and I say 'north east' and he then says 'whereabouts'. I don't particularly want to give my exact location to random strangers. I deflected the question and he got arsey about it, saying I was weird and evasive, so I blocked him as I felt he was overstepping boundaries. Another one this evening has asked me where one of my photos was taken...it's actually somewhere in my parents' village, which is quite small, so I gave an approximate location (think: 'rural north Wales') and then he asks 'where exactly'? Is it just me or is this really weird and intrusive? Why on earth does it matter where the photo was taken? Why does he need to know?

Am I overreacting to this? I just genuinely don't see the need to give potentially identifying information about myself, and it makes me think they must have a lack of empathy if they don't get why I wouldn't want to! I don't understand this obsession with wanting more detail about totally unimportant things when they could just have a conversation with me about just about anything else. It makes me feel like I'm being grilled or something. Why not reply saying 'it looks like a lovely place. I went to somewhere similar last year bla bla...' instead of firing questions at me?

Maybe you'd find things go better if you're honest about your concerns. Instead of changing the subject or deflecting, say "I try not to give out too many personal details online if that's okay." Then ask another question to keep the conversation going.

Everyone's on OLD because they're hoping for some kind of connection, right? Both sides get it wrong sometimes. Men probably have a radar on for being fooled by bots or catfishers and feel suspicious if they think someone is fake. I wouldn't get caught up in the empathy issue, just be honest and if they don't like it then move on.

I suppose it's par for course on these kind of sites.people will be able to ask all sorts of questions, and not be worrying if they are too searching.

I wouldn't really have a problem with either question. If I told him I lived in Muswell Hill his chances of finding me and following me are next to zero. Nearly 300,000 people live in my borough. Needle meet the haystack.

I think a lot of people ask questions like that because they are trying to picture how far apart you'd be if you were to be having a relationship and I can see myself asking the same sort of question if someone told me they lived in South West London. I don't really know much about that part of London or what areas that covers but I might recognise a specific place - like Brixton, or Clapham or Balham as I've been to those places before and could have a hazy idea of them. Like oh that's mikes away! Doesn't mean I know what road or house though or even how I'd get there - even if I wanted to.

Honestly if an online dating guy makes your alarm bells ring, listen to them.

I am doing OLD. I tell them my local tube station, I doubt the guy has time to hang around it to wait for me. I am totally relaxed, I chat on the app until after first meet so if I don't like them I just delete them (I always send a message saying "thanks but no thanks"

Important to go into OLD with an open mind

There’s a happy medium though. In terms of the flow of conversation it’s hard to get one started if your answers are so vague you can’t contribute to the conversation. For example:

Where in London do you live?
North east
🤷‍♀️

Versus

Where in London do you live?
Tower Hamlets
Ohh, my friends live in Tower Hamlets - there’s a great coffee shop on x street...

If they ask your address and what time you leave the house in the morning then I’d be getting worried.

Man here.

I understand the concern, but it’s not necessarily being creepy, it may just be human social interaction.

I’ve lived, worked, shopped all over London and if I were to ask it’s looking to make a connection. Not quite the same as asking about a holiday photo “is that the London Eye? did you enjoy it?” but similar, a bit like social chit chat when you first meet someone.

And because “London” is huge -people may not want to consider travelling 1 ½ hours across town to meet up.

That said, women do have to be more aware of security. The bottom line is of course if your instinct tells you someone is being intrusive, block him. Asking for a postcode and street number, that would be creepy!

If you feel under pressure, deflect it by not answering the question and asking one of your own –“that’s a lovely fish in your photo, I had one just like it”.

OP I'm a woman but am not sure why that is relevant. As a lot of PP have said it doesn't sound like you are moving the conversation forward so to be honest they're probably trying to keep things going. Maybe you don't have much on your profile for them to ask you so they're struggling. To be honest I would think it's weird for someone to put up a picture then refuse to tell me where it was. I live in London and If someone said they lived in North London I would want a bit more information as we might meet up or have a relationship or actually I might also live in North London and therefore wonder if we could talk about places we both know. Ultimately if it makes you nervous, don't answer or unmatch them.

I absolutely agree op. I've had convos where ive said the rough area and they've pushed and I've flat out said I dont like to give out the exact location and they've then - proceeded to guess!
Its beyond creepy.

If I say west end or whatever, that really should be all they need to know until a few dates in. If theres a few meeting places they want to suggest, I have no problem telling them how long it will take me to get there of course.

There are nutters out there and they are not a rarity, your first priority should always be to keep yourself safe.

I am moving the conversation forward though! And they're then circling back to grill me about the same thing...which seems very weird! I gave an example earlier in the thread of what I would do if someone gave me a vague answer, and I can't understand why they don't just do that instead of pushing and pushing.

I guess it's not so much when it happens once, but when it's a pattern? Like this guy was asking for more info about pretty much everything and it really just feels like being grilled. Imagine you met someone in a pub and they said 'what do you do for a living?' and you said 'marketing, what about you?' and then they said 'what kind of marketing?' and you said 'fashion stuff...so what do you do?' and they said 'what kind of fashion stuff'? It's weird, isn't it? Poor conversation and just creepy...so why is it OK on apps? As I've said, I genuinely don't understand why they need this info and how it's going to help them get to know me in any way. The question about the tree photo...I could have given him literally any made-up place and he'd have gone 'oh ok, nice', so what was the point in the question?!

@Bouledeneige but what about if you gave your area and then he said 'oh that's where I live too! Whereabouts do you live?' and then keeps digging until he HAS basically got your street name. This is why I try to keep it general at first until I find out where HE lives!

Oh I’d not tell him my street. I’d make a joke out of it. Or be general. ‘Oh near the Broadway’. Or ‘yeah I will tell you my Mums maiden name too if you ask nicely’. (I once had someone wanting to pick me up from my house for a first date in his car. Errr no!).

I’d avoid dating someone in my area so I’d probably want to know as well if they said north east london. It’s embarrassing if you go on a date and aren’t keen and then risk bumping into them everywhere.

As you're only responding to posts that don't agree with you OP I'd say that you are a little adversarial in your communication style...and so what some would consider natural conversation starters/continuers you see as an evasive move that you need to shield from.

Again I don't see anything particular wrong with their questions and the common denominator is you, so it's you that has an absolutely right to respond however you like to what they say. If it was me I would probably say something like "oh why do you ask, do you recognise the place?" And if they say no just move the conversation along to something else? If they say yes then have a chat about the place?

I would say it's partly just small talk/making conversation.

It's not like they've all outright said 'no, that's not good enough, more detail.'

They might also be wondering if they know the Wales place etc to continue the conversation.

Bloke #1 shouldn'tve got arsey about it though.

I think I would just be honest with any ones that ask things you aren't comfortable answering.

'I don't want to say exactly where I live as I don't know you well yet.'
'I don't want to say where it is as it's my parents' village.'

but what about if you gave your area and then he said 'oh that's where I live too! Whereabouts do you live?' and then keeps digging until he HAS basically got your street name

@Rozziie He can't dig that sort of info out of you unless you give him anything leading.

'oh that's where I live too! Whereabouts do you live?'

'I don't want to give you a more exact location as I don't know you well yet.'

I did have one bloke years ago who was invasive about it (completely innocently I think- he was just a bit thick and didn't realize how it would feel) so I do get what you mean.

But you're in control of what info you disclose.

I have a feeling that if someone wanted to stall or harass you that would probably try to meet up and establish a closer personal connection to get the details....

I agree with you however that it’s crap conversation...

That said, to head it off I agree with PP who said you should deflect by asking a question of him. Also if you can’t push it off that way then agree with the PP who said you should fob off with the axe murdered jokey comment.

All in all I feel these guys are just poor at making conversation but just in case you can use those deflecting tactics not to provide the detail!

@Gilda152 1) that isn't true and 2) I'm explaining things further or asking people why they think that way

I think the main issue here is I don't feel comfortable saying anything that implies he might be dangerous/a weirdo because I've pretty much never had a good response from a man when I've said something like that. I've found that men who 'get it' are very much in the minority and those who get it aren't the ones asking invasive questions in the first place :(

@Ayeshstar2020 I'm always wary of what might happen down the line. You might meet up, get on OK, go on a couple of dates, and then see some red flags and decide not to continue. But now he knows your parents' village, where you live and whatever else, from 'innocent' questions he asked on OLD before you'd even met. I've had something like this happen and now I'm very wary of what I tell people I really don't know.

I get what you are saying but there is risk in everything and you have to be proportionate. If you deem someone a safety risk when they are just poor at conversation or inquisitive then you risk not meeting someone right for you.

Im older and would not do OLD anyway. If a man is asking you questions that you don't feel comfortable with, you are right not to answer them. These men are entitled to nothing! It's a raging red flag to me if men get ratty over things like this. I wouldn't want to be giving my location away on a site and if men don't understand this, the problem is with them, not you.

Sorry I forgot to say, people have suggested ways of politely not sharing that information. I’d give those tactics a go if I were you as it’s a good balance between your concerns and not ruling people out

The other end of the spectrum IME is men who don’t ask any questions.... a middle ground would be nice!!

The behaviour in continuing to press you to give something you don't want to - it tells you all you need to know about that man.

(You certainly don't want him hanging out looking for you with other things he wants to press!)