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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

‘Give your job up if it’s too much.’

116 replies

Wishbonebutterfly · 14/05/2021 19:03

DH works full time from home, starts 8.30 and finishes approx 5ish. Sometimes 5.30.
I work 30 hours flexibly but it normally amounts to 9-3.30ish but I also take the dc to school first and do all the sorting out around them so in the morning Im up at 6am and DH is up at 8.20am. I take the dc to breakfast club for 8.30 so I’m back to start work at 9 and then fetch them afterwards. Although I am only supposed to do 30 hours it is often more and I end up doing another hour or so after I’ve picked the dc up. Then I do dinner, laundry, homework, bathtime, bedtime etc.
DH does erm - eating his dinner and lying on the sofa.
Anyway I’ve been unwell this week, not slept for three nights and been absolutely shattered, beyond shattered and DH has not done anything to help. This morning I was stood in the kitchen after taking the dc to school and I was just sobbing because I’m so tired. DH appeared to come and get a coffee and said ‘give your job up if it’s too much and do something easier. I’ll support you whatever you want to do.’
My job pays A LOT LESS than his. Consequently it is of little importance to him.
I am fed up. I am tired and I am doing this on my own it seems. I took this job in January having been in work that was fewer hours or less demanding previously but I wanted something more, I feel I can do more l, but now I think perhaps he’s right. Maybe it is too much. It’s just relentless but then I guess that’s how real life is. I think without the being unwell I’d be ok but I have a long term condition that does make me unwell from time to time and I have a week of being quite poorly and then may be ok again for a while but it’s unpredictable.
I’m probably just feeling like this because I’m tired and the dc have been demanding this week - because they sense I’m not quite my usual self.
I also feel as though I have supported his career and put mine on the back burner until our youngest went to school and now that I want to go back to something there’s just no acknowledgement from him that I’m working 30 hours plus doing all the housework, all the cooking, all the dc stuff - everything. I’m doing what I was before and working more hours in a more demanding job.

OP posts:

GoldenOmber · 14/05/2021 19:21

give your job up if it’s too much and do something easier. I’ll support you whatever you want to do.

Will he support you through shifting his arse to get out of bed a bit earlier while you’re rushing round sorting kids out in the morning? Or dragging himself off the sofa while you’re doing all the dinner and homework and bedtimes and laundry in the evening? Or is you leaving your job the only kind of ‘support’ he’s got in mind?

wusbanker · 14/05/2021 19:28

Just explain that it's not your job that's exhausting you, it's the lack of support from him. He should be putting in equal work with the kids and house when he's not at his job.

category12 · 14/05/2021 19:32

Tell him the 1950s called, they want him back.

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 14/05/2021 19:34

Why is he getting up at 8:20 to start work at 8:30 and doing absolutely fuck all to help get the DC ready? That alone would infuriate me. I have to do all the morning stuff myself but that’s because DH has to leave at 6:30am for work. If he was in bed while I was doing it I would be so angry!

pog100 · 14/05/2021 19:35

Well, what have you said about it? You need to get so fucking angry that he takes some notice and gets down to sharing your partnership equally. Or you leave. Complaining about it here will get you sympathy but you need to get your point across to him. Forcefully!

category12 · 14/05/2021 19:37

What does he say if you say "what I want is for you to support me in continuing to work and being able to rebuild myself a career - what I want is for you to do your share of housework and childcare so I'm not killing myself trying to do everything on my own"?

Naunet · 14/05/2021 19:42

give your job up if it’s too much and do something easier. I’ll support you whatever you want to do

Great, then you can give up the “job” of doing all the housework and cooking and he can support you.

Seriously OP, the job is not the problem, your husband treating you like a skivvy is.

Likeshellingpeas · 14/05/2021 19:54

@Wishbonebutterfly

DH works full time from home, starts 8.30 and finishes approx 5ish. Sometimes 5.30. I work 30 hours flexibly but it normally amounts to 9-3.30ish but I also take the dc to school first and do all the sorting out around them so in the morning Im up at 6am and DH is up at 8.20am. I take the dc to breakfast club for 8.30 so I’m back to start work at 9 and then fetch them afterwards. Although I am only supposed to do 30 hours it is often more and I end up doing another hour or so after I’ve picked the dc up. Then I do dinner, laundry, homework, bathtime, bedtime etc. DH does erm - eating his dinner and lying on the sofa. Anyway I’ve been unwell this week, not slept for three nights and been absolutely shattered, beyond shattered and DH has not done anything to help. This morning I was stood in the kitchen after taking the dc to school and I was just sobbing because I’m so tired. DH appeared to come and get a coffee and said ‘give your job up if it’s too much and do something easier. I’ll support you whatever you want to do.’ My job pays A LOT LESS than his. Consequently it is of little importance to him. I am fed up. I am tired and I am doing this on my own it seems. I took this job in January having been in work that was fewer hours or less demanding previously but I wanted something more, I feel I can do more l, but now I think perhaps he’s right. Maybe it is too much. It’s just relentless but then I guess that’s how real life is. I think without the being unwell I’d be ok but I have a long term condition that does make me unwell from time to time and I have a week of being quite poorly and then may be ok again for a while but it’s unpredictable. I’m probably just feeling like this because I’m tired and the dc have been demanding this week - because they sense I’m not quite my usual self. I also feel as though I have supported his career and put mine on the back burner until our youngest went to school and now that I want to go back to something there’s just no acknowledgement from him that I’m working 30 hours plus doing all the housework, all the cooking, all the dc stuff - everything. I’m doing what I was before and working more hours in a more demanding job.

Keep your job, get rid of your DH.

Treacletoots · 14/05/2021 19:54

Your post has given me the rage OP. The fucking rage. What you need to do is to check yourself into a hotel for a few days and just leave him with the kids. Then he'll realise just how much you actually do, compared to his fuck all.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You know you should have addressed this with him waaay before now, but we are where we are. Here's what I'd say.

No DH. I want you to realise I am not your slave, nanny or housekeeper. My career is as equally important to me as yours is to you and I need you to pull your fucking weight and do equal parenting and house stuff so we can continue with our marriage from the 21st century. Otherwise you'll be looking after the kids 50% of the time when I divorce you. you lazy cunt

Wafflewombat · 14/05/2021 19:55

Doesn't want to share the mental load, or indeed the physical load...

RandomMess · 14/05/2021 19:57

Is he going to pay into a personal pension for you massively to make up for you not working and having an employer scheme??

What about you and your need to use your skills and get self worth.

Why does he not parent his DC and help run the house?

KirstenBlest · 14/05/2021 20:02

Up your job hours to full time, and give your DH a list of his daily child-rearing and housekeeping jobs, and a list of housekeeper and nanny agencies.

Ohpulltheotherone · 14/05/2021 20:02

It’s not your job which is exhausting it is working almost full time in a job and then managing all the childcare, cooking, cleaning and life admin on top of the job.

You KNOW this is wrong don’t you?
You KNOW it isn’t unreasonable of you to expect the other adult in your home, the other parent, to pick up 50% of the chores and childcare.

The question is why are you allowing him to treat you so badly?

Plenty of mums work full time, full on demanding careers - there’s no need for you to quit your job at all.

There are apparently several reasons you should reconsider your relationship status though.

I couldn’t love someone who treated me with such little respect and distain that they’d happily laze around on their fat arse and watch me run myself into the ground. How can you love that? Or even like it? Or god forbid want to have his Willy near you? Christ. It makes my skin crawl just reading your post.

Demand better OP please.

NailsNeedDoing · 14/05/2021 20:10

If he’s saying he’ll support you whatever you want to do, have you thought about discussing getting some help with the house chores? Maybe having someone do the cleaning or having a laundry/ironing service or whatever you think could help?

Working is obviously important to you, and if you can afford it you should have what you need to enable you to have that fulfilment without running yourself into the ground. You’ve been ill and slept badly this week, so you’re probably feeling especially overwhelmed and exhausted with it all right now, so you have the potential to be feeling better than this soon.

partyatthepalace · 14/05/2021 20:10

@wusbanker

Just explain that it's not your job that's exhausting you, it's the lack of support from him. He should be putting in equal work with the kids and house when he's not at his job.

This.

It’s not your fault, but you will have to spell out to him what you need him to do. Have a think about all the jobs that need doing, and give him a fair number of them to do based on the hours you both work,

You are not his housekeeper. And if he can’t see why you want to work then perhaps he’s the wrong man for you.

Commonwasher · 14/05/2021 20:10

DH needs to help with the mental load of parenting, which in many ways is more draining than going to work.

‘Give up work’ is such a cop-out. It would suit him as he would hold all the financial cards and you can facilitate him doing nothing around the house.

Undoing the notion that you are the default parent will be hard but likely worth it. I would organise meetings at school run times 2 mornings a week. They can be his mornings, you can log on and listen to music with a coffee while he does the morning bootcamp.

Or tell him your work energises you so much that you’ll work full time — and split the housework/school runs/cooking/shopping/childcare 50:50.

Best of...

namechange1032 · 14/05/2021 20:13

OP if you have a chronic illness, you have to take care of your health.

I would sit down with your husband at the weekend and explain that you are taking it in turns from Monday to do the mornings. You'll do Tues/Thursday next week because you're not well. He can do Mon/Wed/Fri and you'll swap the week after.

Hire a cleaner if you can afford it.

Take it in turn to do evenings as well. Or one does mornings, one does evenings.

Are the children old enough to do chores for pocket money? Eg gather up dirty clothes for the laundry or load/unload the dishwasher?

Shop online and take it in turns to cook. Whoever is cooking, organises what they are cooking the week before and adds it to the online shop.

OP, I'd have drop kicked from the front door for suggesting I cut down on my job so I have more time to act as a single parent and take care of his needs.

TooMinty · 14/05/2021 20:14

@Treacletoots

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You know you should have addressed this with him waaay before now, but we are where we are. Here's what I'd say.

This. He is massively taking the piss.

KirstenBlest · 14/05/2021 20:28

DH needs to help with the mental load of parenting, which in many ways is more draining than going to work.

Bollocks to that. He needs to pull his weight.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 14/05/2021 20:30

Do not give up that job. You'll need it in the future. Suggest that he takes on some more responsibilities around the house and see what happens.

Devlesko · 14/05/2021 20:37

well, you have a crap husband and the kids have a crap dad.
He shouldn't be helping you, he should be doing.
Talking will do nothing, I fear as it seems ingrained.
Maybe nobody challenged his opinions before. You need to stop doing things for him and when you need him to step up shout to him / say to him "Your turn, daddy" see what he does, and that will be your answer.

Annettebee · 14/05/2021 20:43

I do everything that you do but don't work.
He is taking the piss. Discuss with your husband why you don't want to give up work, he doesn't sound very self aware. Is he just lazy, if he is then it's going to be an uphill battle.

AgentJohnson · 14/05/2021 20:52

Come on OP, your H is a lazy fucker and you’re his enabler. In the words of the great Malcolm Tucker, tell him to step the fuck up or fuck the fuck off.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 14/05/2021 20:55

Why doesn't he do any of the DC/housework/etc? When you tell him you're doing it all and he's doing none, what does he say?

Elieza · 14/05/2021 20:58

I agree with namechange.

Explain to him that your job is important to you and you enjoy it.

You need him to do his share with dc and all the other things he seems happy to leave to you while he has an easy life.

Defo get a cleaner to make your life easier. He can pay since he earns the most. If he won’t tell him you’re not doing it all so he best get his pinny on.

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