‘Give your job up if it’s too much.’

[Wishbonebutterfly]

DH works full time from home, starts 8.30 and finishes approx 5ish. Sometimes 5.30.
I work 30 hours flexibly but it normally amounts to 9-3.30ish but I also take the dc to school first and do all the sorting out around them so in the morning Im up at 6am and DH is up at 8.20am. I take the dc to breakfast club for 8.30 so I’m back to start work at 9 and then fetch them afterwards. Although I am only supposed to do 30 hours it is often more and I end up doing another hour or so after I’ve picked the dc up. Then I do dinner, laundry, homework, bathtime, bedtime etc.
DH does erm - eating his dinner and lying on the sofa.
Anyway I’ve been unwell this week, not slept for three nights and been absolutely shattered, beyond shattered and DH has not done anything to help. This morning I was stood in the kitchen after taking the dc to school and I was just sobbing because I’m so tired. DH appeared to come and get a coffee and said ‘give your job up if it’s too much and do something easier. I’ll support you whatever you want to do.’
My job pays A LOT LESS than his. Consequently it is of little importance to him.
I am fed up. I am tired and I am doing this on my own it seems. I took this job in January having been in work that was fewer hours or less demanding previously but I wanted something more, I feel I can do more l, but now I think perhaps he’s right. Maybe it is too much. It’s just relentless but then I guess that’s how real life is. I think without the being unwell I’d be ok but I have a long term condition that does make me unwell from time to time and I have a week of being quite poorly and then may be ok again for a while but it’s unpredictable.
I’m probably just feeling like this because I’m tired and the dc have been demanding this week - because they sense I’m not quite my usual self.
I also feel as though I have supported his career and put mine on the back burner until our youngest went to school and now that I want to go back to something there’s just no acknowledgement from him that I’m working 30 hours plus doing all the housework, all the cooking, all the dc stuff - everything. I’m doing what I was before and working more hours in a more demanding job.

Tell him you want a divorce and 50/50 childcare.

Stop enabling him and tell him you will no longer tolerate his opting out of parenting and household chores. He should be getting up early and dealing with the children too. Take turns. He can't be that tired when he does fuck all other than 9-5 at his desk.

The lazy so and so gets up ten minutes before he starts work? He can't really be fully functional in ten minutes. Well, isn't he a treat?

30 hours is quite a lot because your DH is doing bugger all OP.

For your own sanity I would stick at your job but maybe reduce to 20 hours mainly due to your own health too. You like your doing a great job though!

He's pretending to be supportive but what he actually means is "I'd rather you didn't work and continued to do all the house stuff so that I can prioritise my job and not have to lift a finger at home".

I hear what you’re saying and agree with most of the replies. But wtf are you doing for 2 hours before you leave the house? Cut it down to 1.

Everything you've written here, you need to say to him, not us.

You're married - you are allowed to expect some support from your life partner. Leisure time should be equal, and it's not in your situation.

I think men sometimes feel it is a gift not to expect their wife to work - and some women love it - but if that's not you, your DH need reminding that you are far more than his mother, and you have a life, ambitions and want to fulfill your potential.

Honestly, face up to the huffing and say your piece until he acknowledges you.

Your dh needs to be up at 7 in the week.
I wouldn’t be doing 2 hours with dc whilst dh laid in his bed.

And why doesn't he contribute to the running of his household or the raising of his children?

If he wants to support you he could start by pulling his fucking weight rather than treating you as a skivvy/cleaner/cook/nanny

Maybe I'm reading this wrong but it sounds like he's undermining you. His first reaction is you can't cope with work. Now you're doubting yourself. He didn't think oh maybe she's still not well, or ask what was wrong. It sits very uncomfortably with me that he sees this all as your problem and when he says he would support you with whatever, there's nothing he actually would do differently. He would still sit on the sofa doing nothing what he means by support is I won't bang on about how you couldn't cope (too much). If this is how he supports you more generally, then you are much stronger than you realise. Relationships are about meeting the other person, if one struggles the other steps up and vice versa. He's not stepping up.

WTF??? Your DH thinks it's OK for his day to start at 8.20am when yours starts at 6am? He is taking the absolute piss. Disgraceful behaviour. And why does he get to lounge around in the evening when you are still busy doing jobs? Honestly this is not normal - in our household no one would be routinely lazing around while the other one is still working - you pitch in together so things are done quicker before both sitting down together.

I like the hotel idea. Why does be never take a turn taking the kids to school? Why are you doing all the housework?

Either he pulls his weight or he pays for a cleaner.
And tell him to start parenting his damn kids.

Absolutely don't give up your job. Sounds like he knows how much you do and wants you to be stuck doing it.

Tell him to give up his job as it's obviously too much for him as all he manage doing is LYING ON THE SOFA.

Also those are piss easy working hours (his, not yours!) for someone who is doing absolutely nothing else. My DH has a senior role and frequently works 11+ hour days (I work similar hours to yours) but still pulls his weight in the evening until everything is done. He earns the bulk of the household income because we took a joint decision to prioritise his career, but when I am particularly busy with work he will absolutely step up and make sure I have the time that I need too.

OP your post has made me angry. He shouldnt be getting away with this. He needs to do his fair share at home, it's as simple as that. You need to have a serious talk to him about his lack of effort and support. I personally couldn't put up with a lazy partner.

I'd ask him does he not understand how damaging it is to his children to see him sitting about all day?

Does he want his children thinking women are supposed to do all the work? Does he realise his daughters could end up in abusive relationships because they just accept that womens needs never being met is the norm?

I would write it down. Split an A4 page in half vertically writing your name on one side and his on the other and literally write
0630 - get up
0640 - clean kinds teeth
0650 - prepare breakfast
0700 - make up packed lunches
Etc etc etc For the whole day.

Then on his side
0820 - Get up
0830 - start work
1700 - finish work
1800 - Eat dinner

Then show it to him. Yours will be so long and his short and pathetic as it is. Show it to him and say can you see why I am stressed? Can you SEE how work is a tiny part of that?! Then use it to split jobs.

I despair of men like this. If that doesn't work I'd go on strike. Do what you need for the kids but don't prepare his food, clean his clothes etc etc. He's being a prick

How have you gotten into this situation? I agree check into a hotel and stop enabling the lazy bastard to be a shit dad and husband!

Loads of good advice from others re your husband.

I've read your post as though you generally get trampled on and don't assert positive boundaries for yourself, hence over working your hours too. If I was you I'd think about why you feel you should do free over time in order to do well at work. There was a thread on here recently and many mums are successful and confident at work without doing any extra to prove something to themselves or someone else. This might be easier to change than your husband!

If you say

“Thank you for saying you’ll support me, DH. I love my job but I need more help with the housework and the children. We need to get a cleaner, and can you talk to your work about shifting your start time from 8.30 to 9am, then you can do breakfast club drop off every day and I can keep doing pick-up. And I need more help in the evening with bathrobe and bedtime so I can get packed lunches sorted and laundry done while you sort the kids.”

What will he say?

Giving up a job you love is not the answer, as you know. Him out-earning you is not an excuse to treat you as a service human.

This isn't about your job, this is about you doing 100% of the domestic work on top of your job. That's unacceptable. Given the hours you both work, the split should be about 45/55 with your DH doing the slightly smaller part. Right now he gets home and does fuck all. It's time to tell him to step up or fuck off.

Youre going to have to take action. Words arent helping, it is too easy for him to ignore you and blame you.

Start billing him for the housework and childcare and cooking and household administration.

Charge him £30.00 an hour, bill him from the time you start caring for the kids, and for the weekends and for after school until bedtime. Because you are multi tasking when you have the kids AND run the home. When he says it is ridiculous, point out that in other households, both parents pull their weight. He doesnt. Why should you be penalised for his failings, at the least you should be compensated.

Bill him at the end of each week. Take the money out of the joint account and put it in a separate account of your own. If the funds aren't there, strip your effort down to bare survival: wake him up every day at 6am and Send the kids in to him as soon as they wake up. Don't wash his laundry. Don't cook his dinner. Don't vacuum or tidy. Just do the minimum to ensure the kids and yourself are healthy and functioning.

Point out to him that you could earn more if he was putting in the effort to help at home, so you could advance your career and increase your hours.

Once you have saved enough money from this approach, hire a weekly cleaner. It will CHANGE YOUR LIFE. And put the kids in after school club. And The amount of time you get back will be worth it.

Right, you can start with this: “so in the morning Im up at 6am and DH is up at 8.20am”
Why on EARTH does he think this is ok?! He does though so you can explain to him that it’s just not, and you can both get up at 7 and jointly sort out the children.
That’s not all, of course, but it’s a start.
Also I saw a talk recently from the author of a book called Fair Play (author is Eve Rodsky) about sharing the mental and physical load between the two members of a couple. I haven’t read the book myself but it sounds like it could help you.

I see this all the time at work, these dinosaurs who want their wives at home, they fight hard to protect their pensions ................

This was my situation for years, I started off doing everything because I was working part time but years later when I was working longer hours than he was I was still doing everything in the house and DC’s activities. Apparently I was nagging when I suggested that it wasn’t fair. Be careful as well because even when he reluctantly agreed to do housework it wouldn’t get done so I ended up doing it anyway. He also would develop a sudden illness when it was his turn to pick the DC up from a club so I had to do it anyway. He’s now an ex! I honestly think that if he doesn’t see that he shouldn’t be helping out with housework and the DC without you having to tell him then he’s unlikely to change.

I feel I can do more l, but now I think perhaps he’s right. Maybe it is too much. It’s just relentless but then I guess that’s how real life is.

Oh come on OP! You KNOW this isn't right that's why you laid it out in your opening paragraph that you do everything while he bookends his working day by staying in bed and laying on the sofa. Have you never said it to him? Have you never got angry? Did your mother and his spend their lives running after your fathers so you think your supposed to shut up and put up?

Come ON!!!