‘Give your job up if it’s too much.’

[Wishbonebutterfly]

DH works full time from home, starts 8.30 and finishes approx 5ish. Sometimes 5.30.
I work 30 hours flexibly but it normally amounts to 9-3.30ish but I also take the dc to school first and do all the sorting out around them so in the morning Im up at 6am and DH is up at 8.20am. I take the dc to breakfast club for 8.30 so I’m back to start work at 9 and then fetch them afterwards. Although I am only supposed to do 30 hours it is often more and I end up doing another hour or so after I’ve picked the dc up. Then I do dinner, laundry, homework, bathtime, bedtime etc.
DH does erm - eating his dinner and lying on the sofa.
Anyway I’ve been unwell this week, not slept for three nights and been absolutely shattered, beyond shattered and DH has not done anything to help. This morning I was stood in the kitchen after taking the dc to school and I was just sobbing because I’m so tired. DH appeared to come and get a coffee and said ‘give your job up if it’s too much and do something easier. I’ll support you whatever you want to do.’
My job pays A LOT LESS than his. Consequently it is of little importance to him.
I am fed up. I am tired and I am doing this on my own it seems. I took this job in January having been in work that was fewer hours or less demanding previously but I wanted something more, I feel I can do more l, but now I think perhaps he’s right. Maybe it is too much. It’s just relentless but then I guess that’s how real life is. I think without the being unwell I’d be ok but I have a long term condition that does make me unwell from time to time and I have a week of being quite poorly and then may be ok again for a while but it’s unpredictable.
I’m probably just feeling like this because I’m tired and the dc have been demanding this week - because they sense I’m not quite my usual self.
I also feel as though I have supported his career and put mine on the back burner until our youngest went to school and now that I want to go back to something there’s just no acknowledgement from him that I’m working 30 hours plus doing all the housework, all the cooking, all the dc stuff - everything. I’m doing what I was before and working more hours in a more demanding job.

OP please don’t feel you need to justify your morning routine to anyone. You’re not the problem here. Even if you did everything you do faster, you’d still be doing it all yourself.

@showmethegin

I would write it down. Split an A4 page in half vertically writing your name on one side and his on the other and literally write 0630 - get up 0640 - clean kinds teeth 0650 - prepare breakfast 0700 - make up packed lunches Etc etc etc For the whole day.

Then on his side
0820 - Get up
0830 - start work
1700 - finish work
1800 - Eat dinner

Then show it to him. Yours will be so long and his short and pathetic as it is. Show it to him and say can you see why I am stressed? Can you SEE how work is a tiny part of that?! Then use it to split jobs.

I despair of men like this. If that doesn't work I'd go on strike. Do what you need for the kids but don't prepare his food, clean his clothes etc etc. He's being a prick

This. I wouldn't say anything beyond asking him to justify why he gets 8 hours of sleep and several hours of leisure each day, you get very little of either.

Wow,poor guy,it's amazing he is capable of holding down a job if that's all he is capable of at home
And he can't not know stuff needs doing....
I would like to say start by not doing laundry for him,possibly not cooking for him,and by sending DC2 to be with him and talk to him while you are taking DC1 to school.It'd be nice to see how he reacts to " ok,DH,I'm leaving DC2's school run to you today but that might be hard on DC2.

But really you need a straight up discussion saying you can cope with work just fine but not with doing absolutely everything in the home while be does nothing.You have a partner,you shouldn't have to cope alone.And a list of everything that needs doing,usually there is some question over who is doing what already but as he does sod all that won't be a problem.
Then it needs divvying up equally (and ideally he realises how pathetic it is for a grown man to behave like this. Sorry,I know he is your partner but really....)

OP, I reckon you should sit down and work out what your financial situation would be without your dh. Look at whether you'd get any top-ups from UC if you were a solo parent, use the gov.uk child maintenance calculator, and see what the picture looks like.

It might be worth getting shot of the guy and doing it all on your own, because you pretty much are anyway. If all he's bringing to the party is money, then it may be you don't actually need the lazy bastard.

It's actually easier doing everything on your own than having a lazy entitled arsehole not pulling his weight.

Nothing like saying the OP is a martyr to galvanise a second response to their original post 24 hours previously!

Is your job wfh too?

You know you're doing everything while he does fuck all.

What are you going to do about it?

The first thing I'd do is ask him why he thinks it's OK for you to do everything involved with the house and DC?

I’m shocked reading your morning routine. DH and I each get about 30 mins to get ready while the other wrangles the kids and goes whatever needs doing eg emptying dishwasher. He also puts the laundry on and cleans the kitchen after dinner as I’m bf the youngest, in theory he cleans the bathroom but that’s hit and miss and he does bath time. I’m a sahm.

Why are you accepting this OP? What are you planning to do about it?

I think it’ll be difficult to change him tbh.
It annoys me that he can’t see anything wrong with the situation. I work from home some of the time, it depends what I’ve got on.
I see him lying on the sofa in the evening and it makes me seethe, ultimately I think he’s pretty lazy and that’s the main issue. Not at work, but with the dc and the house.
I don’t know what to do about it. I suppose I have to see if he will change if I raise it with him but I have strong doubts that he will and then I’m not sure where that leaves me.

Your worth is not measured by your warning power.

EARNING power.

In that case don't try to change him but tell him 'I facilitated your career and now its clear you have no intention of pulling your weight. I feel let down by you, not supported'.

TBH if he doesn't step up and divorce.

It's a deeply misogynistic to simply dump all of it on you. Equal leisure time is the only fair way.

When you weren't earning did you have equal access to money and to freely spend it to the same extent as him?

I suppose I have to see if he will change if I raise it with him but I have strong doubts that he will and then I’m not sure where that leaves me.

That's why you should work out factually how you'd manage if you split up. It's a stronger position to come from if you've seriously looked at it.

@WaterBottle123

Tell him to give up his job as it's obviously too much for him as all he manage doing is LYING ON THE SOFA.

This!

@Wishbonebutterfly

I think it’ll be difficult to change him tbh. It annoys me that he can’t see anything wrong with the situation. I work from home some of the time, it depends what I’ve got on. I see him lying on the sofa in the evening and it makes me seethe, ultimately I think he’s pretty lazy and that’s the main issue. Not at work, but with the dc and the house. I don’t know what to do about it. I suppose I have to see if he will change if I raise it with him but I have strong doubts that he will and then I’m not sure where that leaves me.

You want him to notice and see your effort and care.

He’s lazy and wants an easy life —and is probably a bit misogynistic even if he doesn’t realise it. Perhaps he was brought up by a mother who was in service to the household.

But if you don’t speak about it and assert yourself seething will get you nowhere.

Ask for what you need.

If all he's bringing to the party is money, then it may be you don't actually need the lazy bastard.

Also this. You might get more leisure time not less if he had to cope with shared custody. Child maintenance as a higher earner etc.

It’s a nuclear option but you seem so resigned to him being a lazy shit. Don’t give your life in service to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

No parent can run a family let alone a job on lack of sleep and support inside the home.
When you are sick you need more than to be told to let your job go you need him to pull it together and help.
Who earns or works what hours is irrelevant more who is doing which chores and sharing children's needs is.
When you are sick you are not to question your coping skills, you need to look at your entire families ability to make it work together.
Step back and share the load.
Sleep is vital to functioning on the many levels a parent needs too.
I suggest you step out the door for some time to yourself. Taking care of your mental emotional and physical well being.

Think of the big picture and write up some chores or responsibilities your children can do as well.
Throw in the job if you think you would be better off yourself.

A working parent needs support not walked past to make a coffee and told to ditch the job. We all have limits.

Your DH sounds like a lazy bastard who takes everything for granted. Stop enabling this. He needs to step up or fuck off. Otherwise you have your whole life ahead of you like this and your DC will grow up thinking its acceptable for their parents to have such an unbalanced load between them. If your DC are girls is this the example you want for them? If your DC are boys what is this teaching them about gender equality?

And another reason not to give up your job. After years of taking on the hardest job ever and facilitating his laziness, he will no doubt tell you, you haven’t worked for years. (This type have no idea what it entails - they truly believe a SAHM lies around all day drinking coffee, watching day time TV and chatting to friends!)

Does he actually add anything to your life?

Present him with the option of getting DC1 or DC2 ready and to school.
Then the options of which nights he wants to cook.
Then which chores he wants to do.
Present his down time and your down time and aim to even it up.
Note, he does not get the option of things staying as they are.
The choices are his, if he does not like these option, he can outsource his and pay.

I don't even know how you can like him when he obviously doesn't like you. He watches you do all the gruntwork and doesn't lift a finger? He's not a man he's a useless lump of lard with no respect for you. Hopefully you get to share out the jobs at the weekend or is that his 'downtime' after 'working hard all week'?

Give him the morning routine, and you do the after school pick up?

Or split it so you sort dc1, then go to the gym or something returning home at 8.30.
He can get dc2 up and take them to school before he starts work. What choice will he have if you’re not at home?

If he finishes work by 5.30 there’s no reason he can’t cook dinner. Every time he doesn’t just order a takeaway or take the kids out.

@Wishbonebutterfly

I think it’ll be difficult to change him tbh. It annoys me that he can’t see anything wrong with the situation. I work from home some of the time, it depends what I’ve got on. I see him lying on the sofa in the evening and it makes me seethe, ultimately I think he’s pretty lazy and that’s the main issue. Not at work, but with the dc and the house. I don’t know what to do about it. I suppose I have to see if he will change if I raise it with him but I have strong doubts that he will and then I’m not sure where that leaves me.

It annoys me reading this tbh

You are married to the man, talk to him for crying out loud.

Why are you silently seething while he lies on the sofa while you run around doing all the graft?

He needs to step up. Otherwise you need to leave him.
See how he likes running his own house 100% of the time with 50:50 childcare

This situation will only change if you make it change.