‘Give your job up if it’s too much.’

[Wishbonebutterfly]

DH works full time from home, starts 8.30 and finishes approx 5ish. Sometimes 5.30.
I work 30 hours flexibly but it normally amounts to 9-3.30ish but I also take the dc to school first and do all the sorting out around them so in the morning Im up at 6am and DH is up at 8.20am. I take the dc to breakfast club for 8.30 so I’m back to start work at 9 and then fetch them afterwards. Although I am only supposed to do 30 hours it is often more and I end up doing another hour or so after I’ve picked the dc up. Then I do dinner, laundry, homework, bathtime, bedtime etc.
DH does erm - eating his dinner and lying on the sofa.
Anyway I’ve been unwell this week, not slept for three nights and been absolutely shattered, beyond shattered and DH has not done anything to help. This morning I was stood in the kitchen after taking the dc to school and I was just sobbing because I’m so tired. DH appeared to come and get a coffee and said ‘give your job up if it’s too much and do something easier. I’ll support you whatever you want to do.’
My job pays A LOT LESS than his. Consequently it is of little importance to him.
I am fed up. I am tired and I am doing this on my own it seems. I took this job in January having been in work that was fewer hours or less demanding previously but I wanted something more, I feel I can do more l, but now I think perhaps he’s right. Maybe it is too much. It’s just relentless but then I guess that’s how real life is. I think without the being unwell I’d be ok but I have a long term condition that does make me unwell from time to time and I have a week of being quite poorly and then may be ok again for a while but it’s unpredictable.
I’m probably just feeling like this because I’m tired and the dc have been demanding this week - because they sense I’m not quite my usual self.
I also feel as though I have supported his career and put mine on the back burner until our youngest went to school and now that I want to go back to something there’s just no acknowledgement from him that I’m working 30 hours plus doing all the housework, all the cooking, all the dc stuff - everything. I’m doing what I was before and working more hours in a more demanding job.

There is no excuse for him to stay in bed while you get up early to get the kids ready every day. If it doesn't require both of you, suggest you take it in turns. Ditto evening chores. Men are quite capable of doing these things! My DH has worked from home for years - on all the days I worked (3 for a while, now 4), there was no choice but for him to sort the kids out as I leave for work about the same time they need to get up. They're older now but for years we alternated the responsibility of bedtime as one of ours has always found it hard to get to sleep and needed lengthy input.

Can you not communicate with him? Does he normally treat you as a second class citizen?

And definitely you should prioritise your work. It's a hugely important part of you.

Suggest he get up off his lazy arse and do his fair share of parenting and the house.

Hold on to our job OP you may need it one day.

Do you enjoy your job?

If not, I’d take him up on the offer!

If you do like it, ask him to put that money he’s offering to support you... into a cleaner and more childcare

He will support you whatever you want to do?

Well, you are doing what you want to do and look! He isn't supporting you.

So he is a liar as well as a lazy bastard!

Have you sat him down and explained the realities of the situation yet?

Hopefully you have and he listened, rather than trying to explain why you are wrong!

When he says "easier. I’ll support you whatever you want to do" tell him to get his shit together, quit sleeping in, and leaving all the household work to you

said ‘give your job up if it’s too much and do something easier. I’ll support you whatever you want to do

tell him you want support as follows, then list all the jobs he needs to do, kids breakfast, prepare xx evening meals, share household tasks etc his share of childcare

OP - I think you need to look at everything you are doing and optimise it. It may be that you are in this place both because of H’s laziness and the way you tend to run things.

First - your H has to be able to do more then nothing. Finishing at 5:30 gives him plenty of time. To encourage that - I’d stop doing some of the stuff for him that you currently do - say - laundry, etc. He can sort himself out.

Second - I’d see if some are ‘nice to have’ or things you are used to doing but don’t need to be done. Are you sure you aren’t doing more than needed? Kids need too start learning to do something too, or they’ll grow into mini copies of your H and will demand services until they move out.

I have two kids too. But I am not sure how much ‘organising’ they need at 6am given that you take them to the breakfast club. So - the kids need to start learning to pack their bags at night and to brush their teeth on their own. Etc.

And - do it give you your job. What needs to happen is rebalancing of things that happen at home - given that your job has changed.

What he means is, give up your job otherwise it’s looking like I could have my cosy, lazy little life shattered. Please don’t give up your job - he just needs to step up massively and support you in your career, not give up your job and enable him further.
He doesn’t help you now, can you imagine giving up work, doing everything (because he will spin you the “I pay all the bills” lineand then when the children have left trying to get him to muck in then? No way, he will have become even more entitled and everything will still be down to you for the rest of you4 days.
Keep that job, I really feel you are going to need it in the future more than you realise

He works 8.30-5 - does he have a hour lunch break? That would be 40 hours a week.

You work 30 hours plus an extra hour a day, so a 35 hour week.

That means to be equal, you should do 1 hour extra of chores per day. You're easily doing that between 3.30 and 5pm. So everything before work and from 5pm onwards should be split 50:50.

Make life easy for yourself. Cleaner, easy meals, takeaway, eat out. Your husband is unlikely to change, they rarely do. Don’t give up your job If you enjoy it and it has prospects to develop your career, as you said you’ve already sacrificed your career for family life, time to get it back on track and have independence.
I’m feeling snowed under at the moment working full time running my own business and doing pretty much everything in the house. Having lost my cleaner 6 months ago, I have a new one starting, cleaning makes me grumpy and I want to enjoy my time off of work, not spend it all doing jobs. Now we can eat out again we will definitely be eating out 1-2 times a week, I enjoy eating out and it’s 1 or 2 meals I haven’t got to plan for and cook and clear up from. Depending on ages of kids, get them doing small things. My kids clear away from dinner, stack dishwasher and wash up pans.
If it’s all Getting too much and your husbands still not helping out, don’t be a martyr and keep doing everything just go on strike.

* do all the sorting out around them so in the morning Im up at 6am and DH is up at 8.20am. I take the dc to breakfast club for 8.30 *

This just screams “Martyr”

Two school age kids
Going to breakfast club

And you get up at 6.

I’m waiting for the update that they both have serious physical or neurological disabilities?

No my morning goes like this -
6am get up and get myself ready for 6.30
6.30am get eldest dc up and they have breakfast and check they have what they need for school. They do have some SEN but aren’t severely affected. They are not NT and organisation is not a strong point.
7.15am get up dc2 and help them get dressed if they need it (still hit and miss) and give them breakfast.
7.30 - drop dc1 to his friend’s - they are at different schools - because he has to be at school for 8.15 and then they walk the rest of the way.
7.45 - come back, dc has been left on own because DH still in bed.
I’m then out just after 8am to get dc2 to breakfast club for 8.30am because the traffic is so bad that even though school is only three miles away it’s currently taking me nearly an hour round trip due to roadworks. Even without them it’s 40minutes at that time of day.
I don’t sit down those couple of hours, believe me.

@Treacletoots - This!! 🙌🙌🙌🙌

Enabling my DH to step into my shoes for a bit is the only thing that works with sharing domestic load.

He didn't want a cleaner - and was determined to demonstrate how easy it was to keep the house clean. He vacuumed once and we then got a cleaner the next week.

He also does bedtime every evening when he is in (an arrangement that started when he worked full time and I was on maternity leave) and decided recently that this was too much - I think that he thought I was sitting on my backside downstairs. So... I gave him a full list of tasks that I do while he does bedtime (make dinner, do shopping online, tidy house, vacuum, put clothes away, feed cat, put laundry on/off, run to shop for anything we need urgently, sort school/nursery stuff) and we swapped. The swap didn't even last a week - and he has happily done bedtime every night since and seems to be making an effort to keep the house a bit tidier too.

If your DH won't swap, maybe go away for a few days and let him get on with it?

So he stays in bed whilst you drop off one dc and then go back for the other?! He needs to do one drop and you the other. I’d be livid!

My DP isnt great, he will do things if I ask him but otherwise he’d be quite happy to let me do it all!

Men are bloody lazy a lot of the time.

Yes. He stays in bed and I leave dc2 with an iPad and breakfast for the 15 minutes it takes me to drop dc1.
Then I go back and scoop up dc2. Right now the traffic isn’t helping my situation because it’s taking me an hour either end of the day to do a six mile round trip.

Another woman married to a sexist, piss taking twat. Nah, I wouldn't be giving up my job, but the fuck I'd do FA for that bastard again. FA. Just FA. Personally I'd divorce him, though, long before it got to this point.

@Wishbonebutterfly

Yes. He stays in bed and I leave dc2 with an iPad and breakfast for the 15 minutes it takes me to drop dc1. Then I go back and scoop up dc2. Right now the traffic isn’t helping my situation because it’s taking me an hour either end of the day to do a six mile round trip.

WHY though?! Why do that rather than saying you want to tackle mornings as a team so you need to discuss who will be doing what in order to enable you both to be equally well rested and happy. I don't know what's more annoying, him lying in bed while you run around like mad or you running around like mad instead of demanding change!

@Lozzerbmc

So he stays in bed whilst you drop off one dc and then go back for the other?! He needs to do one drop and you the other. I’d be livid!

My DP isnt great, he will do things if I ask him but otherwise he’d be quite happy to let me do it all!

Men are bloody lazy a lot of the time.

Shit people are lazy a lot of the time and especially if you enable them and put up with it. Fuck that.

Oh and don't give up your job. Based on what you've shared of his attitude and willingness to muck in (or not) he will think you laze around all day and should be grateful he's 'letting' you not work while he does his Big Important Job. Fuck that. Future proof your earning potential and stay working.

I’m not going to blame you for his laziness, but is this massive imbalance in what you do vs what he does something you’ve ever tried to discuss with him?

@Lozzerbmc

So he stays in bed whilst you drop off one dc and then go back for the other?! He needs to do one drop and you the other. I’d be livid!

My DP isnt great, he will do things if I ask him but otherwise he’d be quite happy to let me do it all!

Men are bloody lazy a lot of the time.

My DP isnt great, he will do things if I ask him but otherwise he’d be quite happy to let me do it all!

That isn't love though is it? Someone who would happily watch you take on all the stress and logistics of parenting because they are lazy? People who love someone surely want to be a team, be equals, not add more stress to the other person's life than is necessary?