‘Give your job up if it’s too much.’

[Wishbonebutterfly]

DH works full time from home, starts 8.30 and finishes approx 5ish. Sometimes 5.30.
I work 30 hours flexibly but it normally amounts to 9-3.30ish but I also take the dc to school first and do all the sorting out around them so in the morning Im up at 6am and DH is up at 8.20am. I take the dc to breakfast club for 8.30 so I’m back to start work at 9 and then fetch them afterwards. Although I am only supposed to do 30 hours it is often more and I end up doing another hour or so after I’ve picked the dc up. Then I do dinner, laundry, homework, bathtime, bedtime etc.
DH does erm - eating his dinner and lying on the sofa.
Anyway I’ve been unwell this week, not slept for three nights and been absolutely shattered, beyond shattered and DH has not done anything to help. This morning I was stood in the kitchen after taking the dc to school and I was just sobbing because I’m so tired. DH appeared to come and get a coffee and said ‘give your job up if it’s too much and do something easier. I’ll support you whatever you want to do.’
My job pays A LOT LESS than his. Consequently it is of little importance to him.
I am fed up. I am tired and I am doing this on my own it seems. I took this job in January having been in work that was fewer hours or less demanding previously but I wanted something more, I feel I can do more l, but now I think perhaps he’s right. Maybe it is too much. It’s just relentless but then I guess that’s how real life is. I think without the being unwell I’d be ok but I have a long term condition that does make me unwell from time to time and I have a week of being quite poorly and then may be ok again for a while but it’s unpredictable.
I’m probably just feeling like this because I’m tired and the dc have been demanding this week - because they sense I’m not quite my usual self.
I also feel as though I have supported his career and put mine on the back burner until our youngest went to school and now that I want to go back to something there’s just no acknowledgement from him that I’m working 30 hours plus doing all the housework, all the cooking, all the dc stuff - everything. I’m doing what I was before and working more hours in a more demanding job.

Honestly Chuck some money at it. Get a cleaner twice a week to do his share. Organised systems for mornings. Insist he picks up some childcare, stuff is opening back up again, he can take them out at the weekend so you get downtime.

Easy dinners on weekdays is a lifesaver. I’m recently back to work and am doing 30-40 hours with multiple dc in primary school. Its a challenge but I’m really enjoying it. I’m friendly with some school mums so sometimes pick up each other’s kids and take them to the park after school for an hour. Helpful when your day is running late.

Make a list of everything you do outside of paid work.

Sit down with H and explain that this is the problem, not work. Ask him to help. If he won't help, ask him to pay for help from outside. If he continues to say no then you know where you are.

He doesn't love you and you can decide what to do.

In this situation I would start to get the paperwork copied and money squirreled away ready for a divorce. I would also see a solicitor for a free 30 minute appointment

I would stop doing any house work for him, no cooking, no washing. I would have a chat and ask him what he could do differently to help.

I like the previous post of booking a hotel... switch off your mobile as I'm sure you would be getting plenty of messages and calls asking how to do something!

Do not give up your job OP, you will be needing it.

I would book the week off work and go stay with family or in a hotel when they’re open. Let him take the kids to and from school! Would serve him right.

Ok I may get flamed for this, but your husband probably doesn't realise its the demand on the house making you feel exhausted and was trying to be supportive. Giving him the benefit of doubt here!

Perhaps discuss what chores you'd like him to take on, alternate the days you cook (or better yet, do it together!) and ask him for some down time too. If he doesn't listen and comes back to you again with a comment, then you know its aimed at him really wanting you to quit your job and be a housewife so he doesn't feel he is required to lift a finger.

Can I also ask, what is your cultural background? I know men are lazy in all cultures and countries but I'm thinking that mentality sounds familiar to my own.

He needs to take one of the kids to school. He needs to help in the evening with pick up. I would tell him that the drop off for two children is too much and he needs to take over one of these. He also needs to pick up. I would also stop providing a cooked dinner for all. I would feed the kids something easy like pasta or jacket potatoes. Start letting him feed for himself. He needs to start having something to do in the evenings and stop being such a selfish dick. Change your behaviour too. Tell him that everyone's laundry is too much so he needs to start helping or do his own. When he doesn't help. Stop doing his.

I've been thinking about this overnight and wondering where it comes from.
My Dad was an only child,my Gran thought men shouldn't do stuff around the house.She lived with us,and she always had to be doing something!
But in spite of that my Dad always did some housework and stepped seamlessly up to run the house and look after my Mum when she was ill in later life ( and not as a result of any big showdown over who did what afaik,if it did happen it must've been very early on in their relationship!)
My DH's Mum stopped her boys from doing anything in the house and fetched and carried and shopped for her younger brothers even as adults - the brothers never married and lived together - until she died.
Yet we have always shared domestic stuff and childcare without even discussing it really,not perfectly but still.
So how do some men get like this?

Hi OP you need to think about what message you are giving to your children.
Your husband believes that he’s still in the 1950s and that all the wife work is yours.
You need to change something.
Can you ask him to make the dinner or take the kids to school.
If he cannot share the load then you need to think about other suggestions.
What happens if your ill?
Go away for the weekend.
Switch your phone off - lazy bastard!!!!

What did you say when he suggested you give up work? I would have said ‘what is too much for me is being the one doing everything, we are meant to be a team and work together, you need to pull your weight!’.

He is assuming that you should do everything, why should it be you that just gets up early and gets the kids ready? What would he do if you didn’t get up with them? I am so angry for you, he is taking advantage of you that’s for sure.

OP. He won't change because he has no motivation to. If you're not going to change, if you're not serious about consequences if he doesn't change then of course he won't. It's no different to teaching a child actions Vs consequences. Simply telling him won't work. I still think you need to strap on a pair and check into a hotel for a few days and let him see the consequences of him taking the piss solidly for the last few years.

You do also realise however you need to take responsibility for enabling him right? If you don't take control you'll carry on like this for another ten years. Sounds great right?

UnluckyMe
I wouldn’t be giving this man (child) the benefit of the doubt. He has clearly made that suggestion on what would work best for him. Any reasonable person would want to discuss to get to the root of the problem and work out a way forward which is best for everyone.
Please don’t give up work OP (for all the reasons already stated)
And, just to add another - can you imagine your weekends - when he has had such a hard week at work?? Yup, you will be doing all of that too - on your own

He sounds so useless.

I'd draw up a new rota/routine with his jobs on (and the kids) so its fully shared.

Tell him that's the way to resolve both the pressure you are under and the inequity within your marriage.

If he doesn't participate you need to seriously think about whether you want to be in a marriage where he treats you as a support human.

The DH needs to understand that he has 2 jobs, one he is paid for, and the other job is to do with keeping the house and family functioning well. His wife also has 2 jobs, the one she is paid for, and the other to do with keeping the house and family functioning well.
If OP had to do all the work at her office while her colleagues sat around and did nothing, everyone would be able to see the unfairness. But DH thinks it is ok to sit down and do nothing at his 'home' job, leaving everything to OP.
I'd be intersted to know what would happen if OP were to ask her DH what he would do and how he would feel if he worked in a team of 2 at his office and the other person just sat back and let him do everything. Because he is doing just that to OP and she cannot carry on. Not because her work is too much, no, because she works as part of a functioning team where all members do what they need to do to take their share of the workload. It is her home job that she would like to quit because DH is not pulling his weight.

Are you married to my husband? I have tge same it wears md down. I only work 20 hours but i do everything, walk our dog every day. Every few months i lose the plot and meltdown but nothing changes. My husband like yrs blames everything else, never looks at his own part in the problem..if you can i would do less hours at least then you will feel less tired but it won't solve anything i"m afraid.