Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

What would you think/do if partner said this: sex related?

130 replies

again2020 · 12/05/2021 13:37

Posting here for traffic rather than in sex.

Within the last 6 months partner has said the following to me:

"You're a bit loose 'down there'" (I have a DD, natural birth)

"You don't deserve oral sex anymore"

They did hurt me. We've had a bumpy ride during the past year and a bit (like many couples). We do have sex maybe once a fortnight/month. He isn't well endowed. I'm open about sex toys and was thinking about suggesting something but he is 'vanilla' and I think he wouldn't take it well 😔

Any advice?

OP posts:

Palavah · 12/05/2021 14:02

This isn't a sex problem, this is a 'my partner is a dickhead' problem.

Opentooffers · 12/05/2021 14:04

My instant reply would be that there's nothing wrong with my fanjo, your nob is too small.
Don't deserve oral? You don't deserve me mate, jog on. Why the heck are you with him at all?

Opentooffers · 12/05/2021 14:05

My instant reply would be that there's nothing wrong with my fanjo, your nob is too small.
Don't deserve oral? You don't deserve me mate, jog on. Why the heck are you with him at all?

AryaStarkWolf · 12/05/2021 14:05

@Serpenta

Insulting someone during sex or post-sex is really hitting someone at their most vulnerable. Life is too short to be with a mean man. A mean man who sounds like he's quite boring in bed.

Yep absolutely. The man is a pig OP, you deserve better than that and your DD deserves to see her mother treated with respect too

MonkeyPuddle · 12/05/2021 14:05

It sounds like he wants to be cruel and hurt you on purpose.
No one deserves that.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 12/05/2021 14:07

I wouldn't be having sex with him again that's for sure

me4real · 12/05/2021 14:07

Wow.

Commenting about your body is psychological abuse to try and make you feel bad about yourself.

As to saying you don't deserve oral- well if oral's as important to you as it is to some women, then he belongs in the bin, especially if other aspects of the sex are also unsatisfying.

Out of interest, what did he give as a reason why you don't 'deserve' oral? Of course it's wrong to say anyway, I just wondered what reason he gave, as it sounds like there are other ways he's trying to manipulate you into doing something by saying that.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 12/05/2021 14:07

I wouldn't be having sex with him again that's for sure

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 12/05/2021 14:07

I wouldn't be having sex with him again that's for sure

DeathToCovid · 12/05/2021 14:08

Well if he things you’re too loose down there then he doesn’t get to have sex with you anymore. No more oral for him until it’s reciprocated.

Like everyone else has said, raise the bar. I’d be fuming and I’d never ever be able to salvage the relationship if it was said to me.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 12/05/2021 14:11

People will treat you the way you allow them to .... so tell him to fuck off and take his tiny dick with him !

Original poster

again2020 · 12/05/2021 14:13

Thanks everyone.

Dumping not an option I'm afraid, at least not yet; we have a mortgage and child together and difficult financial situations.

@me4real I'll be honest, me 'deserving' it seems to be referring to if I'm nice to him or do favours for him. Sorry if TMI...but last time he gave oral to me was after I'd gotten back from a weekend with his family and been up with DD at night while he got drunk. Not good is it

OP posts:

iknowimcoming · 12/05/2021 14:15

Wow! I'd certainly never have sex with him again and I'd be planning to separate ASAP - you deserve better OP

aiwblam · 12/05/2021 14:16

What a bully.

Statement: You’re a bit loose down there
Answer: Got a death grip from too much wanking or has your cock just shrunk?

Statement: You don’t deserve oral sex
Answer: Yes I do. You don’t deserve me.

But I’d consider getting rid of him. How can this situation improve?
Make plans before talking to this wanker about it.
And don’t have sex with him anymore.

aiwblam · 12/05/2021 14:17

What a bully.

Statement: You’re a bit loose down there
Answer: Got a death grip from too much wanking or has your cock just shrunk?

Statement: You don’t deserve oral sex
Answer: Yes I do. You don’t deserve me.

But I’d consider getting rid of him. How can this situation improve?
Make plans before talking to this wanker about it.
And don’t have sex with him anymore.

Original poster

again2020 · 12/05/2021 14:17

Thanks everyone.

Dumping not an option I'm afraid, at least not yet; we have a mortgage and child together and difficult financial situations.

OP posts:

MonkeyPuddle · 12/05/2021 14:18

It sounds like he wants to be cruel and hurt you on purpose.
No one deserves that.

SavannahLands · 12/05/2021 14:19

Firstly he should not be saying these things to you, and secondly how long ago did you give birth to your Daughter? A lot of women take quite some time to regain muscle tone in the pelvic area, and may need a bit of medical help to return to shape. This can also result in slight bladder weakness whenever you cough, sneeze or laugh, the leakage might be tiny, but it is quite possible that during oral sex and orgasm some leakage may occur. Locally we have a specialist Nurse who deals with such problems, as well, in both male and female patients, as men can suffer similarly due to an enlarged Prostate gland.
If you feel that you would like to be referred for this type of help locally, and to check if indeed this applies to you, have a word with your health visitor or GP regarding a referral. Treatment is often just a series of exercises especially designed to tighten and tone the muscles that can be weakened and over stretched during pregnancy and childbirth.

As goes for DH, tell him to go try a Male vacuum Pump or a packet of Viagra, see how he likes being told what to do!

Cas112 · 12/05/2021 14:20

Tell him he needs a bigger dick. See how he feels about that.

me4real · 12/05/2021 14:21

@again2020 No, not good at all. He's trying to manipulate you completely. I know some abusive/manipulative men happen to be good in bed or at oral, but I can't imagine that it's that good you aren't put off somewhat by his antics.

Re: finances etc- start making an escape plan for when you're able to go. Consider all options.

Maybe have as little to do with him as possible in the meantime.

aiwblam · 12/05/2021 14:26

Can your family help you out of this situation?

LaBellina · 12/05/2021 14:26

If dumping him now is not an option, at least start planning/ working towards your ‘escape’ often things that falling into place then. This man is an abuser and this relationship is doomed if the respect is gone.
He is a vile, vile man and doesn’t deserve to ever have sex with anyone again after treating the mother of his child like this.
He is a misogynistic twat that deserves to be dumped.

Couchbettato · 12/05/2021 14:28

I wouldn't have any kind of sex with this man.

You don't do sexual favours for people because they've earned it, or have racked up enough sex points for that prize.

You do it because you want to and it makes you and them feel good.

OP if you're having financial troubles speak with someone like stepchange. I sing their praises so bloody much. Got me down from paying £1400 in debt monthly to £300, with a view to clear it all via bankruptcy any way.

Houses come and go. Separate. Force a sale. Look at what you'd be entitled to as a single parent, visit the entitledto website to calculate that, and make plans to leave.

This man does not respect you. He does not love you, because you don't say things like that to people you love. And he doesn't deserve you and he knows it. That's why he's trying to break down your confidence, because that way you'll never leave.

And guess what? At the minute it's working because you're just listing the reasons you can't leave instead of finding out how to leave.

aiwblam · 12/05/2021 14:29

Can you get help from your family to exit this situation?

What a bully.

Statement: You’re a bit loose down there
Answer: Got a death grip from too much wanking or has your cock just shrunk?

Statement: You don’t deserve oral sex
Answer: Yes I do. You don’t deserve me.

Don’t say the above if there is any risk of him getting violent. But if he’s just a verbal bully, then I’d definitely reply in kind.

But I’d consider getting rid of him. How can this situation improve?
Make plans before talking to this wanker about it.
And don’t have sex with him anymore.

Nonmaquillee · 12/05/2021 14:29

Dumping is ALWAYS an option

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6