To want to re home our 10 month old puppy...

[intheloudhouse]

We got a cockapoo last summer. He's a nice natured dog and house trained quite easily but he just causes me so much stress.

I have a very active 4 year old and I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with HG so most days moving from the sofa is an effort at the moment.

He chews all DS's toys, all of my underwear to shreds (he gets it out of the washing basket) he terrorises the cat, (we have to now feed the cat on the kitchen table as he eats her food) goes into the bins and rips everything up that's in then, he annoys DS and steals food from his plate, he constantly jumps up on the back of the sofa to look out of the window and bark.. when DP is away I can't even go and stay with my parents for support as he hassles their elderly dog.. and quite simply I honestly don't have the energy or headspace to be able to give him the love and attention he needs at the moment with me being so unwell and then obviously I'll have a baby too in 5 months.

DP will not have any of it that I want to rehome him. He says he would rather get rid of me first. But it's me that's left with him while he goes out to work or for meals or days out with his friends on a weekend!

I just don't know what to do.

Message from MNHQ - please do read all the OP's posts before commenting as there is more to this thread than initially appears and the OP is in need of support. Thank you.

@maddiemookins16mum

Ah the Lockdown Puppy scenario.

Ahhh the poster who hasn't bothered to read the full thread

But its important that people stop suggesting the OP rehomes the dog. Legally its his. She can not rehome it. She can not take it with her if she leaves. Its his dog, he might have bought it for her, but its not hers. And its very, very important when dealing with an unreasonable man to avoid making mistakes he can then use against you.

Rehoming would be a dangerous move.

You can't rehome someone else's dog.

Hi all

There's more to this thread than initially meets the eye - we're moving it over to our relationships topic. Please do remember to be kind.

@Nanny0gg
Have you not since read my post after that? I hadn’t read the full story before commenting. As I said though I still stand by comment about making sure you know how hard caring for dogs are before purchasing. And if I am honest mine is furthest from ‘mean’ looking at these other comments!

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

@ValerieMalone you’re another one who didn’t read my post after that one explaining I hadn’t read the whole thread before commenting. Yawn.

Your husband would rather "get rid" of you, his wife, mother of his children and the one carrying his unborn child than get rid of a pet animal??

I don't think it's the dog who's the real problem here...

I've not read the whole thread, but you (or rather your DH) can take the dog for obedience classes. All.of those behaviours can be corrected. But if it's really too much, don't feel bad about rehoming. @intheloudhouse if you keep the dog, whatever ever you do, NEVER let him be alone with the baby for any amount of time. All it takes is a split second for a tragedy to occur.

@intheloudhouse
Dogs are lovely (I had one myself) but they're absolutely not human beings so ignore the dog obsessives here who treat dogs like humans and don't let them make you feel bad when you're already in a situation where you need support. Your mental.health and Your children, including your unborn child, need to be your priority.

Regardless of whether you should have bought the puppy or not, any dog regardless of training is a real danger to a newborn so please think carefully before keeping the dog.

Dogs have different memories to humans so whilst they will remember you if they see you again, once rehomed they don't think of their previous owners at all as they live completely in the present moment.

Call his bluff . What decent man woukd seriously carry through a disgusting threat like that to his wife who has HG.

Tell him step up if he loves the dog that much then get up early and walk him , feed him, clear up and take him to training sessions. Stop the days out say you’re not doing a thing for the dog whilst suffering with HG
Give him and ultimatum and a time frame if he insists the dog stays he needs to start doing something to facilitate change

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Um? Did you misunderstand me? My whole post was about how one doesnt cancel the other out. So many people saying the dog belongs to the partner and is his responsibility. It doesnt belong to him and is not his sole responsibility. She asked for it. She wanted it. She didnt bother to train it during the months when she was not pregnant so not ill.

As I said, she is both an abused woman and an irresponsible lockdown puppy owner. I'm not forgiving her for the latter just because she is the former. So many people have treated dogs terribly this last year. The OP is one of them.

The other stuff. The shit partner stuff. She deserves all the help and support available.

Obviously you are getting pelters here from everyone, but I emphasise with you.

You fucked up, made a mistake and totally underestimated how much stress and hassle a dog is. It's way more than having a kid isn't it? . Just wait until you can't go anywhere on holiday without paying another £300 for kennels.

Get him rehomed now, sod what your DP is saying, he's a 'fair weather ' dog person, getting involved when he wants. If he kicks off again , move out. I'm serious.

Please do not try and sell him either, ge will end up in a terrible home. Give to a shelter and put it down as an expensive lesson.

The truth about getting a dog is this : They have to come before anything..you, kids , everything . Your entire life has to based around them.

I know this from experience, by the way. Two years ago I had the worst two months of my life with a rescue dog that destroyed my mental health. I cried tears of relief and guilt when we finally took him back to the shelter .

Save Our Spaniels would rehome your dog - spaniels can be super challenging. It sounds like yours is bored - even long walks aren't always enough and they need quite involved play which it sounds like neither you or your partner can provide. He'll only get worse. I am talking about the dog here but you know...

Sometimes they never work out as house dogs and need a job! SOS sometimes rehome spaniels as sniffer dogs or as gamekeepers dogs.

Please don't sell it on gumtree or something. It'll take its problems with it. It will be better to have it adopted by experienced spaniel specialists who can find its perfect forever home for you. It wasn't the best idea to get a dog but you live and learn. He's still young enough to be rehomed happily.

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I agree with other posters that your DP doesn't sound like the best person to be with. To say he'd get rid of you first...

You deserve love and care, especially now. Quietly rehome your dog and take yourself and your children home to your dad. He sounds like an absolute star.

I think a lot of people make the mistake of getting a "cute puppy" without fully considering the responsibility.
When I became a single parent working pt with two youngish kids I decided I'd like a dog for company and wanted to support rehoming. I knew categorically that this wouldn't be a puppy as that would have been unfair on everyone, including the dog.
I rehomed a beautiful older terrier whom I had for six years before she passed away peacefully of old age. She was about 8 when I got her. Her last years were incredibly happy and I miss her so very much.

@everythingfromhome - that's not good advice. It is not legally her dog. If he bought it, its his. They arent married. Dogs are very valuable items. She can't just rehome a dog she doesn't own.

He might have bought it "for her", but that's not the same as it being her dog.

With an abusive man it is very important not to just do what you want and sod the result.

OP please leave. Its his dog, he can make the rehome or keep and do the work choice. If you leave and arent convinced he's caring for the dog, call the RSPCA on him later, but first things first, get some space to think about your choices on Wednesday. Please leave. Please take your ds to your dads.

The dog isn't yours. Please don't rehome and then have to deal with unscrambling the mess from rehoming a dog you don't own.

"Get a laundry basket and a bin with a lid for a start" 😂 clearly never had a dog who wants the laundry/contents of a bin before.

As someone who THOROUGHLY researched the needs of a dog, and various types of training, before getting one, I must admit the reality of it was way worse than expected. First 18 months were hell, he was spectacularly high energy (never tired out even after very long walks), I was covered in scratches/teeth marks and as cute and affectionate as he was I was just exhausted. He took well to commands such as 'sit', 'come', 'leave it' but only as long as your attention was 100% on him. My (now) ex was absolutely no help whatsoever, and our relationship was likely contributing towards his almost-anxious energy.

Anyway, aside of leaving my ex, I think the key things that helped were:

• persisting with the training, and starting from scratch when anything changed, such as house moves, new pet or person in the house etc.
• going to training classes to work out what you're doing wrong (in my case, my command voice was not firm or low enough) and to expose pup to other dogs in an environment in which you won't be feeling constantly guilty about his enthusiasm
• getting a dog walker/sitter if and when you're struggling to walk him as much as he needs
• putting the bin and laundry inside cupboards or in a room with a baby gate to stop puppy getting in (IKEA Metod are a great range of very cheap cupboard frames that you can easily fit bins inside of)
• age - mine calmed down significantly at around 18 months

I would never have re-homed because I know it was my inability to cope with his needs that was the problem, it was not his fault, and I just can't give up on an animal anymore than I could give up on a child. However, if your partner feels the same way, he should be responsible for half of the dog's care, whether that means he does at least one walk per day himself and cleans up after bin-accidents, or pays for and organises the dog sitter half of the week. It should not all fall to you.

Best of luck and I really hope you manage to train and keep him.

Hi op, firstly may I say I'm sorry about the death of your sister, losing a sibling so young is very hard, I've been there. I also want to send my sympathy for the current situation you are in.

Everthing must be overwhelming you , but your biggest decision is about your baby.

I too got a pup at the beggining of lockdown, had been researching for ages when it hit, I never owned a dog before, I am single have two very grown up adult children living with me. I work from home so the dog is never left alone, it is still young and very hyper !, I adore her she makes our home complete but still I found it hard especially at first, all that energy and time we had available paid off. Brilliant.

I'm not saying this as a stealth post but to lessen your guilt if you decide to re home, I am much older and it was the 'right' time for us, hopefully you will find that person who really needs that dog, as I needed her.

I think once you make the decision about the dog, that will ease the other very hard choices you have to make.

Good luck, you have a supportive father, lean on him to help you decide.
xx

Oh dear you have a lot going on .
It is probably best you contact womans aid asap. They will get you and your child a safe home. As no pets your dog will have to be rehomed sadly.
They will sort you out with the best advice possible and you will be safe away from your abusive partner.
They will help you with medical advice and your rights. Get in touch and get out for now.

Its sad about the dog yes and you had him before you got pregnant, that was your choice.
My dog cannot get into the kitchen and has free run of 2 rooms during the day and 1 at night, but it's a different breed and we went to classes and had a trainer advise on a few problems.
You seem as though you feel you cannot cope with it so best go to a rehoming center.

Good wishes I hope things work out.

@Laiste

He says we'll talk tonight after I've seen this mental health nurse to make a decision - but he thinks ethically I have left it too late to abort, really. I think if it wasn't for the HG I would be able to think a bit clearer. I feel like I've lost who I used to be and lost my independence. I used to be always busy, loved my little tearoom job and would be the type who loved being out. Now I'm too anxious to leave the house and my day involves sitting on the sofa, crying, trying to force down some crackers and sleep if I'm lucky.

Your appointment with the mental health nurse is today OP? That's good

This is the order of priorities for you i think:

1. Today's appointment. Do you want the baby? Try and answer this question at it's most basic level. Never mind what anyone else thinks or feels.

I have no axe to grind re: abortion. It is entirely your choice - but, if there is even a small part of you which says 'yes, i want the baby' then i would keep the baby. A lifetime of regret (years after the abusive husband is long gone and the dog was happily re-homed) is NOT something you want to saddle your self with OP.

1. The dog. Sort out a rehoming. Time it to co-inside with moving in with your dad with your son. Don't tell your husband about your plans.

1. Baby steps to working out a separation and divorce from husband. There's no tangle that can't be untangled. Get advice. A family solicitor will explain your rights re: the sale of the house. Husband can't just take it - even if you've moved out.

If you've got friends OP, tell them what's going on. Let your dad help.

THIS.

Also, I somehow only saw the one page before originally responding with some dog training tips, but have since seen the next 7 pages so want to add - whilst I don't generally believe in 'giving up' on a pet, you have way too much going on right now to be able to manage the training etc. required on your own. HG is serious and you should not feel guilty about needing help.

On the dog front, if you would prefer to keep him, look at fostering charities. If you think it will be too much (totally understandable), take him to Dogs Trust or similar.

Contact your local Women's Aid or Domestic Abuse charity - they will be able to help and/or advise regarding the mortgage, how to get by financially and more.

Your Dad sounds great, let him help - trust that he will tell you if he can't, and it feels much worse to watch someone go through something like you are, and not be able to do anything, than it does to help out, even if it is hard work.

I hope the pre-natal counsellor is helpful 💐

@seven7sisters

I think you have more of a husband problem! Did he really say he would rather get "rid" of you over the dog 😱😱😱

This. He needs to step up or let you rehome the dog.

And ignore the people saying 'never get another pet again' - no amount of research can really tell you whether you can cope with a dog, only experience can. You have clearly learned from this already, it does not mean you could never manage a pet, this was just not the right time in your life.

Those people still having a go despite seeing the op is suicidal should be ashamed of themselves. She has owned up to her mistakes, what good does having a go do?!!

I've come back to revise my post and apologise for not reading the full thread.

I feel shit, as I had HG -and it was dire. I also had an abusive husband. Yours is abusive. Normal people to not tell people in hospital how much of a ball ache it is to visit them.

In your place -I would move into your father's with DC and get him to protect him. And my mental health nurse.

If you DP /DH is saying you can't get rid of the dog -then move out.

Absolutely no way.

You are ill: mentally, emotionally and physically.

That means you put YOU first. Then your child.

Nothing else matters.

Pack a suitcase or ten and move. Take everything you WANT or might WANT in the future. Paperwork, photos, toys, cuddly toys, christmas dec -the lot. In case he gets nastier than he already is.

He is vile OP. I feel for you I really do.

The abortion is your choice -take some counselling and do what YOU want -do not be swayed by others.

So sad reading this.

The dog needs walking, positive enforcement, firm no's when chewing and proper training.

Another lockdown dog being given away because people are bored, get dogs then don't put the effort in, poor dog.

@intheloudhouse

We got a cockapoo last summer. He's a nice natured dog and house trained quite easily but he just causes me so much stress.

I have a very active 4 year old and I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with HG so most days moving from the sofa is an effort at the moment.

He chews all DS's toys, all of my underwear to shreds (he gets it out of the washing basket) he terrorises the cat, (we have to now feed the cat on the kitchen table as he eats her food) goes into the bins and rips everything up that's in then, he annoys DS and steals food from his plate, he constantly jumps up on the back of the sofa to look out of the window and bark.. when DP is away I can't even go and stay with my parents for support as he hassles their elderly dog.. and quite simply I honestly don't have the energy or headspace to be able to give him the love and attention he needs at the moment with me being so unwell and then obviously I'll have a baby too in 5 months.

DP will not have any of it that I want to rehome him. He says he would rather get rid of me first. But it's me that's left with him while he goes out to work or for meals or days out with his friends on a weekend!

I just don't know what to do.

From what you've said The dog is neither 'house trained' nor 'nice natured'. These particular cross bred dogs tend to be a neurotic mess - it's not news. I hope someone else can give you constructive advice because you won't like what I have to say.

Some really unhelpful nasty responses here. The OP admits she is out of her comfort zone and as she is heavily pregnant she is hardly in a position to just ‘do it’ as people have said ref training. Her partner needs to step up bigtime or itvwould be better to rehome.

So many dogs must be in this situation right now. My friend wanted (genuinely wanted) a puppy when her dog died, she’s waiting for all the lockdown dogs to be dumped.

Can you afford a dog walker? If so get one. I have a Labrador who I walked throughout pregnancy. I purchased a baby carrier once DD was born so I could lose weight and walk the dog at the same time. DD had colic I was glad to get out the house! The dog needs training, needs to learn the word NO. How the hell does he open the washing machine to get underwear out? surely if you close it he can’t get into your smalls....

Your partner needs to walk the dog before he goes to work and when he gets back!
If you can’t do any of these things then rehome whilst he’s young at least.