To want to re home our 10 month old puppy...

[intheloudhouse]

We got a cockapoo last summer. He's a nice natured dog and house trained quite easily but he just causes me so much stress.

I have a very active 4 year old and I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with HG so most days moving from the sofa is an effort at the moment.

He chews all DS's toys, all of my underwear to shreds (he gets it out of the washing basket) he terrorises the cat, (we have to now feed the cat on the kitchen table as he eats her food) goes into the bins and rips everything up that's in then, he annoys DS and steals food from his plate, he constantly jumps up on the back of the sofa to look out of the window and bark.. when DP is away I can't even go and stay with my parents for support as he hassles their elderly dog.. and quite simply I honestly don't have the energy or headspace to be able to give him the love and attention he needs at the moment with me being so unwell and then obviously I'll have a baby too in 5 months.

DP will not have any of it that I want to rehome him. He says he would rather get rid of me first. But it's me that's left with him while he goes out to work or for meals or days out with his friends on a weekend!

I just don't know what to do.

Message from MNHQ - please do read all the OP's posts before commenting as there is more to this thread than initially appears and the OP is in need of support. Thank you.

I see now this is not just about the dog, the dog is another thing in your life that you are not in control of. Horrible situation for you and you have my sympathy. Yes get the dog a new home, it’s one less and fairly easily sorted problem. You shouldn’t have to deal with this all on your own. Is there someone in your life you can lean on for a while to support you?

OP you need to break this down.
What can you cope with?
Deciding whether this pregnancy is right is the most urgent thing
Then deciding about your relationship.
You know you are not in a position to care properly for the dog, he is not right for your family & vice versa, but there are other more pressing things you need to do to take care of yourself.
You CAN unravel this tangle, just deal with one thing at a time.
Best of luck xxx

Why get a puppy when you had a young child and getting pregnant ? Sorry these stories wind me up, the poor dog ! You should have factored in the cat, the time, training, etc etc,.

I think you know you must get out of this relationship. It will be difficult and it’s likely that things will get worse before they get better but they will get better. Staying still isn’t a realistic option.

You pack your things and dds things and go to your Dad. Get legal advice about the financial separation (I would say get a house valuation first but frankly, you haven’t time). Make sure you have access to your bank accounts and take all relevant paperwork with you. Once at your dads you can start the ball rolling on which benefits you can claim. In time you will be able to move on but that is your refuge for now.

The decision on the abortion is personal. Only you can make it but understand that you are making a choice for what’s right for you in this situation at this time. Don’t feel guilty because other people make different choices. Don’t feel guilty because you would have made a different choice in a different time and place.

In time you will settle into being a single parent. You will work again, you will enjoy life. You are already doing all the actual work anyway. Just because it’s difficult it doesn’t mean living the way you are is easier.

I can’t really bring myself to hand wring about the dog. My dog is a much lower energy breed and was a pita between age 1-2. She was also a rescue at 7 months and settled in with us after about 10 minutes. Dogs aren’t people, they can and do settle well into new families. A young cockerpoo will find a decent home through a rescue by the end of the week. On a practical level your choices are to surrender the dog to a rescue, or leave the dog on the house for your ex partner to either look after or surrender it himself. Not sure how practical that is re his work and it does sound like the dog would be better off rehomed.

@intheloudhouse

I wasn't pregnant when we got the puppy and I obviously didn't expect to be so unwell with a pregnancy as I didn't have any problems with my first. It's my fault I wanted the dog and DP had the final say and agreed as he paid. It's the biggest mistake I've ever made. DP is doing nothing for him, he will walk him a few times a week but that's it. He's not focusing on training or anything. If I could've looked into the future I would never have got him

I feel for you we've all made mistakes.

At 10 months he's at his most challenging but with everything on your plate I really wouldn't judge you for re-homing him, just use a good charity rather than selling him on.

OP I've reported your post in order to flag to MN that it might be worth moving this to a less cut throat topic area. Or changing the title as others have suggested.

You are clearly vulnerable and in a distressing situation now and with kindness, I don't think AIBU is the right place for you.

I really hope you get some help and guidance you poor thing. Sending you love

POSTERS, please read all OPs posts before commenting, this is a very sensitive and awful situation and not just about a dog

As for “and quite simply I honestly don't have the energy or headspace”, how would you cope if your child was equally challenging through no fault of their own?

@Notjustanymum I am the biggest dog lover you will find but that analogy is nonsense. I would seriously question the mental health of any human mother who sees her love and obligation toward her dog as anything remotely approaching a fraction of her love and obligation to her live human children.

I've just read your updates :(

Do I end the pregnancy, the relationship and leave him with the dog? And try to rebuild my life with probably a lot of counselling?

Easy for me to say, but yes to all this

I can't believe that now we have the full story some people are still getting snippy that OP hasn't responded enthusiastically to their suggestions of brain games and additional walking. Or paying ££ for dog behaviour therapist or daily walking.

OP has constant sickness a bullying DP and is considering if she should proceed with an abortion later this week. She is not currently working.

Undoubtedly getting a puppy was a huge mistake but posting that repeatedly with hand wringing doesn't resolve the situation.

Getting dog rehoused into a more suitable family does, so perhaps responses worried about ddog could focus on the best way to do that.

@rookiemere

I wouldn't leave the dog with him though. He'll have it on Petsathome at £2000 within a week of having to care for it himself. At least if OP goes with posters suggestion of person in Harrogate there's a better than average change dog will end up in good home - obviously poster could be lying - but if rescues are full then it seems like a decent solution.

Sending you so much love. Hang in there. I don't know what HG means in your post. I just wanted to send you a hug. I know how horrible your situation is as I've also once been 20 weeks pregnant and was pressured to have an abortion. This alone is so hard. This alone is hard. Make sure you 4 year old is ok, look after yourself. make a decision based on what you want.

Sort ou the partner later and don't worry about the dog now. Just my 2 pence. I'd write more but I got to go to school run. Sending love and support and strength for you

oh this was meant to be a PM! never mind.

@pepsicolagirl and @ValerieMalone: I reread the OP and realised I had misunderstood the HG reference. Have since read all the OP’s posts and have more understanding on the topic and her issues now.
OP this is more of a crisis than you just feeling unable to cope and I hope you are able to get some support to resolve your situation. Apologies for reacting to your post in the way I did at first (there’s a backstory - but I shouldn’t have bitten...)

@toocoldforsno

But DP point blank refuses to let us rehome him and says he'd rather get rid of me first

He's a dickhead, and thats the real problem.
I would be telling him that unless HE trains the dog and it behaves better, the dog will be going. And he can go with it if he's that attached to it.

Bloody hell the amount of shit that's being aimed at the husband is unbelievable. The truth of the matter is that they are both dickheads for getting the dog, that's the real problem here. Its obvious that the husband has grown attached to the dog, any normal human would and I'm sure what he said about getting rid of her before the dog was said in anger at the possibility of losing a dog. Agree that he needs to step up, but the real issue is that the OP wanted the dog and persuaded her husband to get one.

Did the original conversation before getting the dog go around as the OP being the primary carer as the husband worked?

The real victim here is the dog.

@MullinerSpec did you read all of OPs posts before calling her a dickhead?

If so then my goodness you lack empathy. Clearly she made a mistake but I think there are bigger things worrying her at the moment.

@MullinerSpec if you have 5 mins to read some of the OPs other posts, the amount of shit aimed at the DH isn't nearly enough. He's an abusive POS himself.

What is HG?
Ok, why did you want the dog to being with? I have read more of your situation and I am sorry you have all this to cope with, ,dog aside, think carefully about the abortion, its your choice but be sure.
Sounds like you have a lot going on & the dog is the breaking point?

[quote BradPittsLeftTit]@MullinerSpec did you read all of OPs posts before calling her a dickhead?

If so then my goodness you lack empathy. Clearly she made a mistake but I think there are bigger things worrying her at the moment.[/quote]
Yes my bad. I hold my hands up. This is the 3rd story of rehoming of a dog this month that I know of and that got my heck up!! Apols OP.

Its obvious that the husband has grown attached to the dog, any normal human would

It’s not the partners attachment to the dog that is the problem, it’s his lack of attachment to the humans in his household.

I'm not going to mention the OP, as this is clearly a terrible situation all round and I don't really have anything to add that hasn't been said already.

However, I'd like to take this opportunity to advise people to STRONGLY do their research before getting a dog.

I grew up around dogs. My father and uncle bred and trained Labradors as gun dogs, and we took in 'training liveries' to break them to the gun, too.

I love dogs, I really do, but they are HARD WORK, especially spaniels.

I'd like to find the person who first thought up the notion of a cockapoo and market them as 'fluffy house dogs', and shake them by the neck. Cocker spaniels and Poodles are highly intelligent working dogs (Poodles were originally bred as retrievers to pick up game such as ducks, hence the dense, water-repellent coat) and they require huge amounts of work, exercise and stimulation to keep them mentally and physically healthy.

We used to start 'playing' with the puppies at around eight weeks, teaching them very simple heel and find work, then building up to their proper jobs. A young dog of working stock, with no 'job' to do at ten months old is going to be a very unhappy, bored and stressed animal.

On a similar note - horses are expensive, rabbits shouldn't live alone, hamsters need an enclosed area of at least 2m squared, and birds should be allowed at least two-four hours of uncaged time a day.

Please do your research before buying a pet of any kind.

@Eaststreet

I can’t understand the people on here sympathising with you. Did you seriously not consider all these things before you got a dog? Or did you jump on the lockdown puppy bandwagon without a second thought for the poor thing? The dog sounds bored and poorly trained.

Oh do fuck off @Eaststreet

Did you bother to read the op's post where she says she's desperately unhappy and trapped in an awful situation? Or did you just want to put the boot in?

@Coldwine75

What is HG? Ok, why did you want the dog to being with? I have read more of your situation and I am sorry you have all this to cope with, ,dog aside, think carefully about the abortion, its your choice but be sure. Sounds like you have a lot going on & the dog is the breaking point?

www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/related-conditions/complications/severe-vomiting/

The dog needs training and more stimulation. If you can't do it you need to rehome

@Coldwine75

Why get a puppy when you had a young child and getting pregnant ? Sorry these stories wind me up, the poor dog ! You should have factored in the cat, the time, training, etc etc,.

Oh do shut up and read the thread.