I feel really let down by my DP

[FireWafer]

Please be nice because I already feel like shit.

My DD has some behavioural issues which I am trying to address and we are slowly making progress.
She will not go to sleep at night, stays up until 12/1am to try and wait until I am asleep so that she can sneak around the house, go on the playstation, find electronics that I have hidden etc and bugger about on them. Or she just acts like a 2 year old rolling around her bed making silly noises. I hide everything so she can't have it and often get into bed with her to help her settle. (she's a teenager so this is not normal) As a consequence she is then tired in the morning and refusing to go to school. (There are other issues with school but this plays a big part in it her going)
Last night I was up until 1am getting her to sleep so I could finally go to sleep myself. I was up again at 6.30 with my other child to get him to school.
On top of this I am pregnant and having a pretty hard time with the pregnancy. My Dp works weird shifts but could be here a lot more if he wanted to......work actually changed his hours so he could be here more but he just stays at his place most of the time, I felt like I got more support from him on his old shift pattern than I do now. Last night I called him in the middle of the night crying because I was so exhausted. He was half asleep to be fair but I felt totally unsupported and unheard. Today he will act like nothing has happened because this has become so normal.

I now have to start work (which I am making a pigs ear of every day because I am so tired) I am constantly falling asleep in the middle of the day when I am supposed to be working. I am having to catch up on work on the evening and weekends. I have a colleague who has my back and picks things up for me when she knows I am struggling but I don't think my manager would be very happy about it if he knew how shit I am at the mo.
I am worried about what impact this stress will have on my baby. Worried about what it is doing to my body. Worried about how I am going to survive this because I don't want to wake up most days! I don't think I am depressed, if the problems went poof I would be fine and I feel like I am pretty resilient but this is relentless!

I am completely open with DP about how I am feeling and if he were me I couldn't just stand there and watch someone drown like I am doing, especially when they were carrying my child. He could do so much more than he is doing but acts like a hero for what he does contribute. He has been around for a long time and refers to my kids as his. He has been amazing over the years, especially with my DD and her problems and it has massively tested our relationship. He always comes to hospital appointments/parents evening/sports day like any other dad would but equally picks and chooses when he is around to support me and get stuck in with the shit side of parenting. I am getting to the point where I am going to have get signed off work because the only way I can see a path through this is to catch up on sleep during the day and manage some rest then. Failing that I will have to book some annual leave just to rest. I am still trying to wrestle DD into school now, this has been going on for hours and I am trying to work at the same time (and be naughty and send this post)

DP was great at the beginning of the pregnancy as I was bed ridden with sickness, he was doing everything around the house. But since that has all faded and I "appear" to be fine he has stopped. I feel like telling him to do one. He will do the odd sink full of dishes and dinner on the weekend but the help elsewhere has fizzled out and I am still really struggling.
He just doesn't listen to me. I am straight up in how I communicate with him. "I need you to do x" like I am not talking in riddles. During the week the house gets pretty messy so I always give it a really good clean over the weekend to catch up. Last weekend I asked for his help to do this, he took the kids out shopping instead to give me some "free time". A few days previous when I had asked him to stay round to help me with the kids (I had a very manic day coming up with work and hospital appointments and knew I would be shattered) I asked him to stay over. He let me know at 10.30 at night he wasn't coming because he needed to collect something from Argos the next day (I have several branches right by my house that he could have had the item delivered to) turns out it was a power washer that he bought to "Clean my car". Granted it is covered in bird poo but I literally don't care! It's the least of my concerns right now, as long as it works and gets me from a-b I couldn't give a monkeys!
Equally when he does stay over to support me, he often feels like a spectator. Sunday evening DD kicked off and I was the one who dealt with her and calmed her down. Stayed up late to get her to sleep. Crawled into bed with her to make sure she stayed there. Then got up at the crack of dawn to get her and her brother off to school, whilst he stayed in bed.
Even yesterday I asked him to help me with something today and he ignored my message.
I just don't know if I am being totally hormonal and unreasonable or if he is being a twat. He is supposed to be moving in here which I was so excited about but now I am thinking I can't cope with this half arsed effort all the time, I will end up resenting him completely and want to smother him in his sleep.
I know I am probably driving him nuts equally but I just need his help. Yesterday I made a financial plan to work out if I can afford my mortgage on part time hours once the baby is here because I feel like I need a plan B. I start shutting down and putting my barriers up to protect myself as a self preservation thing. I am just so fed up and alone. He is so excited about the baby but still living his own life on the side.

And before anyone casks why are you having another child when you clearly can't cope with one of the ones you already have, this was not an expected pregnancy and I would have never forgiven myself for having a termination. I am also really excited for the baby, it makes me happy and I know I will manage regardless of what happens with DP, its just right now everything feels very hopeless. I don't think he realises how bad I am finding things at moment but no matter what I say or how I articulate things he doesn't get it.

He’s not helping so remove him from your plans, you’re basically coping without him already

When is he supposed to move in? It seems like you need a proper conversation about all the things you expect him to do if he wants to live with you all. If he can’t or won’t do them then he shouldn’t move in

Is there any other support you can access from friends or family? Sounds so hard

You seem to have made your partner the sole focus here and maybe that's part of the issue. It's your daughter that's the problem here and rather than putting so much focus on your partner perhaps you need to put that spotlight on social services and the mental health team to get her behavioural problems under better control because this isn't healthy for any of you. She clearly needs professional intervention.

@Kelly345 I have literally tried every avenue in getting my daughter help. Unfortunately it seems that if you are proactive in trying to improve your situation the professional services that are supposed to help you aren't interested. I have attended multiple parenting courses, paid for therapists for her, attended CAMHS, approached charities, got her on workshops, got her mentors.......this has been going on for some time and I have tried everything within my power to resolve the issue. First response/social services don't want to know. We are like a hot potato bounced from one department to another with no one actually taking any responsibility or signposting us to somewhere that could help.
My point is that DP could be doing a lot more to help. He tells everyone she is his daughter but the actions that go hand in hand with that at home aren't always followed through and when the going gets tough it is me doing the nitty gritty shit day in day out. He isn't at work right now, I am whilst dealing with trying to get DD into school. He went to bed before me last night and gets to have a lie in every day whilst I continue this relentless battle on my own.

I genuinely love the guy, he is my best friend and we have so much in common but I am getting to the point where I don't know if that is enough. I don't want big gestures and gifts. I want him present, I want his time and his help. I feel like I am at breaking point with everything.

How old is Dd?

I agree that lack of sleep makes you lose any perspective. Can school help at all? Maybe put a lock on the living room door so she can’t get to console etc and the temptation is removed?

Sorry I don't think it's a DH issue it's definitely a DD issue. Why would he want to move in and deal with all your chaos?

No he isn't the father of the other 2. Their "dad" walked out when they were small and he decided not to have any contact with them. My sister (who ironically is a social worker) helps out a lot with my daughter on weekends. She has given me a lot of advice but is in the wrong area of SS to actually do anything.

DD is 13. I just remove the playstation controllers so she can't go on it. She has had all other electronics removed too. I have a zoom call to attend so she is trying to sabotage me working because she wants me to give in and let her have her phone- our agreement is that if she doesn't attend school I remove the phone which I have done. Again if DP were here then he would be able to distract her so that I could get on with work in peace. She is now spitting juice on me and purposely making mess with food. Her behaviour is not normal at all but no one will help. It's all very attention seeking and she regresses massively.

School try and help but equally say they can't do anything if she isn't going in.
@mumofone2019 I will talk to DP again.

Surely the main issue is that he’s not around to help if he’s at his place.

Presume he will he move in with you once the baby arrives?

if DP were here then he would be able to distract her so that I could get on with work in peace.

That is not the solution. She is not his child, and I'm not surprised he's not getting very involved in this nightmare.

You need to badger SS, child mental health, your midwife - ANYBODY for professional help. Your baby, once born, will take your focus off your troubled DD and then what?

I feel that is the issue @Imissthegym

If he was here more to help, life would be a lot easier. When there are 2 of us here her behaviour is much more manageable.......even if it means DP does tea and I focus on DD her behaviour is pretty much normal. She just needs more attention than other kids. I am happy to deal with DD I just need help with managing everything else and he is aware of that but chooses to turn a blind eye.

He is moving in in August. He had to give notice on his flat and sell some stuff.

You and your boyfriend don't even live together, why is it your boyfriend's responsibility to help with your children?

Is it wise to move your boyfriend in when your daughter is so troubled? Bringing another baby and moving your boyfriend in into this mess is likely to make matters far worse.

@OrchestraOfWankery that's fine but then don't walk around telling everyone she is his daughter and he is her dad. It makes him look like a hero to everyone around him without actually having the responsibility of dealing with her day in, day out.
We have talked in the past and I have said if its too much he can walk away but he says he loves the kids like they were his own and it would break his heart. Its all a big contradiction

Have you got a plan of action as to what responsibilities and roles will be once he moves in? If your daughter is behaving in the way she is now then I can't imagine how much she will struggle with the addition of a baby. Ditto you getting even less sleep. Being a United front is going to be more important than ever. Have you had that discussion with him re responsibilities and roles when it comes to childcare, finances, chores, sleep etc?

@Azerothi it's not necessarily his responsibility but equally he hasn't been around for 5 mins, we have been together for nearly 8 years. He is a part of their lives and as I have mentioned above he calls them his kids/refers to himself as their dad.
He still has his own place as he was working nights and it wasn't practical for him to stay here and try to sleep in the day. He doesn't work those shifts any more hence why we are moving in together.

As others have said this 'problem' is your DD not your DP.

I'm not surprised you are exhausted but You are allowing your DD's behaviour to control your life, What about Your Son and new baby? You really need to sort Your DD out as its not fair on anyone.

Sounds like she is used to getting her own way and having tantrums when she doesn't get it.

Just a thought. Rather than hiding all the electrics around the house have you perhaps thought to hide them under your own mattress? You really need to harass the authorities on this. How do you expect the situation to get easier with a new baby when she's no longer the centre of attention? Is there a possibility she may harm the baby out of spite? I can't see your relationships lasting well with all this chaos going on. I honestly think you are focusing in the wrong direction with this. If he hasn't yet had the pleasure of living with this chaos 24/7 you might find yourself coping alone a lot longer. I seriously question the wisdom of bringing a new baby into this situation.

I feel for you OP, you are obviously trying to keep many plates spinning at once. The real problem here is your DD13.

I honestly would stop keeping electronics from her. I would stop with the laying in bed to force her to sleep...just stop. Tell her it’s bedtime when you go to bed, then leave her to it. If she already has electronics, she won’t need to be waiting until you go to bed to use them. So she will probably go to sleep earlier since there is no reason to stay awake. Its a battle not worth fighting. If she’s up late on electronics and tired, send her to school anyway. There is a good chance she will get it out of her system after a few weeks and settle down. In fact, expect her to gorge herself on electronics for first few weeks as children who view them as “forbidden fruit” do tend to over-indulge until the novelty wears off.

If she still refuses to go to school, then the absences will make the school more likely to refer her to CAMHS which is what you need to happen.

She is 13. You cannot control her, only guide and influence, so stop trying to control her.

Hmm, I agree I don't think your DP is the problem here.

It sounds like you want him to move in to take over dealing with DD. How do you propose he tries to resolve her issues if you can't? What would he be able to do for her that you can't?

Does she have additional needs or any diagnosis?

I don't think you can expect him to deal with DD.

But I agree that he could be more help to you around the house, cooking or cleaning.

What do you mean he isn't working at the moment? Not at all?

don't walk around telling everyone she is his daughter and he is her dad. It makes him look like a hero to everyone around him without actually having the responsibility of dealing with her day in, day out. We have talked in the past and I have said if its too much he can walk away but he says he loves the kids like they were his own and it would break his heart. Its all a big contradiction

Well quite. Look at his actions, not his empty words.

He obviously found a role for himself where he could keep you at arm’s length but still get all the glory of ‘taking on your kids’. Except it’s backfired on him rather because of his failure to take responsibility for his own contraception and the resulting unplanned baby.

Now he’s bound to you forever but it’s probably not what he ever envisaged. And I think perhaps you have slightly unrealistic expectations of him given that until now, his actions have very clearly shown that he wants to keep things on boyfriend/girlfriend status.

Being completely honest, I don’t blame him for not wanting to get involved in the day to day parenting of your children. I’m sympathetic to the situation with your daughter but it sounds like a nightmare and him moving in won’t solve it. In fact I think it would probably sound the death knell of your relationship more quickly.

It’s really clear from your post that you’re struggling but if I was him I’d be pretty pissed off at being woken from my own sleep just because you were awake with your daughter in a completely separate house. Of course, the fact that you’re in a completely separate house is an issue in itself. But I wonder whether he really is the supportive partner you think he is. It sounds like your life would be no different without him. Just fewer disappointments maybe.

Totally agree. It isn't your relationship with your partner that is the problem here. It's your relationship with your daughter that is the problem. You need to deal with that before the baby arrives rather than relying on somebody else to restrict her for you while you change dirty nappies. Perhaps it's time to stop mollycoddling her demands and atrocious behaviour. I mean seriously, spitting everywhere because she can't get her own way?

At 13, she’s spitting?? I really do give you my sympathies for the lack of sleep and your feeling awful but I think your DP does actually deserve some credit if he’s stuck around for 8 years with this level of behaviour from your DD. He’s in a really sticky situation. Because he’s not her DF, he doesn’t have the influence and contribution in the decision making about how to deal with your DD’s behaviour problems. Would it be correct to suspect that your methods are perhaps not the methods he would choose? But he’s getting flack for not fully engaging in the methods you choose.

I’m sure when your baby arrives (congrats, btw) he’ll engage in a very different way to how he has with your two DCs :)

Would it be correct to suspect that your methods are perhaps not the methods he would choose? But he’s getting flack for not fully engaging in the methods you choose

I think You have probably hit the nail on the head with this comment.

I agree with everyone else. The issue isn't him it is the relationship problems with your daughter.

This man is your boyfriend and it sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed and understandably want him to pick up the slack because of how much pressure you are under with your own children. I do get it, but it isn't right.

You haven't reached the point where you have decided to try and make it as a single household and step parents who do not live in are not an automatic blended family.

If he was a woman with a boyfriend with children I would say don't move in together until the issues with his daughter's behaviour have been addressed and he has got on top of it.

I would also say to a woman in his shoes it isn't your job to clean your boyfriend's house or take tearful calls in the night because he is exhausted from an ongoing (not one off emergency) situation. I would say taking his kids out to give him a rest or time to clean his own home seems like helping to me.

Maybe neither of you are getting much from the relationship at the moment.

First of all I'd go off sick for a while.

It's an odd situation with your boyfriend. They're not his children and he doesn't live with you. (Who is your other child? Are they OK?) I don't think you can expect him to behave as though he's a live-in dad. I suspect living together will lead to more problems as he clearly isn't going to help you in any way.

Can't your sister put you onto the right person for help in social services? If your daughter's refusing to go to school then surely someone has to get involved there?

As for her night-time wanderings - it's ridiculous that you're having to sleep with her. You are pregnant and need to avoid getting exhausted. Can't she see that?

What a horrible, perfect storm! My heart goes out to you. My son has severe special needs and as a consequence very challenging behaviors that very few adults can handle so I can understand where you are coming from. We are fortunate that he sleeps all night and gives us eight hours of respite. I hope you can get signed off work. I wonder if a safe or a lockbox would help prevent her from accessing her electronics?