I feel really let down by my DP

[FireWafer]

Please be nice because I already feel like shit.

My DD has some behavioural issues which I am trying to address and we are slowly making progress.
She will not go to sleep at night, stays up until 12/1am to try and wait until I am asleep so that she can sneak around the house, go on the playstation, find electronics that I have hidden etc and bugger about on them. Or she just acts like a 2 year old rolling around her bed making silly noises. I hide everything so she can't have it and often get into bed with her to help her settle. (she's a teenager so this is not normal) As a consequence she is then tired in the morning and refusing to go to school. (There are other issues with school but this plays a big part in it her going)
Last night I was up until 1am getting her to sleep so I could finally go to sleep myself. I was up again at 6.30 with my other child to get him to school.
On top of this I am pregnant and having a pretty hard time with the pregnancy. My Dp works weird shifts but could be here a lot more if he wanted to......work actually changed his hours so he could be here more but he just stays at his place most of the time, I felt like I got more support from him on his old shift pattern than I do now. Last night I called him in the middle of the night crying because I was so exhausted. He was half asleep to be fair but I felt totally unsupported and unheard. Today he will act like nothing has happened because this has become so normal.

I now have to start work (which I am making a pigs ear of every day because I am so tired) I am constantly falling asleep in the middle of the day when I am supposed to be working. I am having to catch up on work on the evening and weekends. I have a colleague who has my back and picks things up for me when she knows I am struggling but I don't think my manager would be very happy about it if he knew how shit I am at the mo.
I am worried about what impact this stress will have on my baby. Worried about what it is doing to my body. Worried about how I am going to survive this because I don't want to wake up most days! I don't think I am depressed, if the problems went poof I would be fine and I feel like I am pretty resilient but this is relentless!

I am completely open with DP about how I am feeling and if he were me I couldn't just stand there and watch someone drown like I am doing, especially when they were carrying my child. He could do so much more than he is doing but acts like a hero for what he does contribute. He has been around for a long time and refers to my kids as his. He has been amazing over the years, especially with my DD and her problems and it has massively tested our relationship. He always comes to hospital appointments/parents evening/sports day like any other dad would but equally picks and chooses when he is around to support me and get stuck in with the shit side of parenting. I am getting to the point where I am going to have get signed off work because the only way I can see a path through this is to catch up on sleep during the day and manage some rest then. Failing that I will have to book some annual leave just to rest. I am still trying to wrestle DD into school now, this has been going on for hours and I am trying to work at the same time (and be naughty and send this post)

DP was great at the beginning of the pregnancy as I was bed ridden with sickness, he was doing everything around the house. But since that has all faded and I "appear" to be fine he has stopped. I feel like telling him to do one. He will do the odd sink full of dishes and dinner on the weekend but the help elsewhere has fizzled out and I am still really struggling.
He just doesn't listen to me. I am straight up in how I communicate with him. "I need you to do x" like I am not talking in riddles. During the week the house gets pretty messy so I always give it a really good clean over the weekend to catch up. Last weekend I asked for his help to do this, he took the kids out shopping instead to give me some "free time". A few days previous when I had asked him to stay round to help me with the kids (I had a very manic day coming up with work and hospital appointments and knew I would be shattered) I asked him to stay over. He let me know at 10.30 at night he wasn't coming because he needed to collect something from Argos the next day (I have several branches right by my house that he could have had the item delivered to) turns out it was a power washer that he bought to "Clean my car". Granted it is covered in bird poo but I literally don't care! It's the least of my concerns right now, as long as it works and gets me from a-b I couldn't give a monkeys!
Equally when he does stay over to support me, he often feels like a spectator. Sunday evening DD kicked off and I was the one who dealt with her and calmed her down. Stayed up late to get her to sleep. Crawled into bed with her to make sure she stayed there. Then got up at the crack of dawn to get her and her brother off to school, whilst he stayed in bed.
Even yesterday I asked him to help me with something today and he ignored my message.
I just don't know if I am being totally hormonal and unreasonable or if he is being a twat. He is supposed to be moving in here which I was so excited about but now I am thinking I can't cope with this half arsed effort all the time, I will end up resenting him completely and want to smother him in his sleep.
I know I am probably driving him nuts equally but I just need his help. Yesterday I made a financial plan to work out if I can afford my mortgage on part time hours once the baby is here because I feel like I need a plan B. I start shutting down and putting my barriers up to protect myself as a self preservation thing. I am just so fed up and alone. He is so excited about the baby but still living his own life on the side.

And before anyone casks why are you having another child when you clearly can't cope with one of the ones you already have, this was not an expected pregnancy and I would have never forgiven myself for having a termination. I am also really excited for the baby, it makes me happy and I know I will manage regardless of what happens with DP, its just right now everything feels very hopeless. I don't think he realises how bad I am finding things at moment but no matter what I say or how I articulate things he doesn't get it.

I am feeling a bit better today. I slept really well. I just let DD do whatever she wanted to do last night because I needed to rest.

DP walked in a moment ago and acted like nothing was wrong. Asked if he had done something to upset me and that I need to talk to him more. So I said the late night, early mornings, keeping on top of the house, fighting to get a child to school whilst trying to work all whilst being pregnant was too much for 1 person to shoulder and I needed more help.
He yelled at me. I said that you told me to talk but when I do get angry so I feel like I'm not allowed any feelings. He clearly thinks he is doing enough. He walked out the house. I don't know where he went. I hope he doesn't come back.

I was feeling so much better today and now I am back to square one of crying and feeling completely hopeless.

This is just all shit, I feel like I can't breath properly and it is bringing back a lot of painful memories of when I have my older children. I think I am going to ask him to stay away for a bit. I would rather be on my own than have someone constantly making me cry and feel like crap.

I know a lot of you are saying I expect too much but remove my older children from the equation. If I was carrying his child but living separately from him and struggling to sleep, keep on top of the house and manage working with all the added stress of pregnancy I think any one of you would say he should be helping. And that is all I am really asking for, a bit of help. Which is his eyes is completely unreasonable.

OP, I’m firmly of the belief that he made his choice to be with you and your children. He chose the responsibility regardless of whether he wants it. You don’t want to have to deal with it either but it’s the coin you toss when you choose to have children, and it’s the responsibility he chose to take on. He’s going to get a rude awakening when he has to parent his own child and the buck does stop with him. How will he cope if it’s not sunshine and roses?

You are not being unreasonable to need his help. Don’t let worrying about him change your restful weekend into one filled with stress. Get yourself stronger and then deal with the rest.

Oh, OP. I’ve read your whole thread and really feel for you.

Time to make a massive nuisance of yourself with services.

Go to the school and request a meeting about EHCP and a family support worker. Referral or paediatric assessment via GP.

Is there a local voluntary organisation for SEN parents?

To be quite honest I would be giving dd some notice around the electronics - tell her she’s got three more nights and if she can’t regulate the electronics are going in the bin or on freecycle or be sold.

I think the cracks are showing with your DP who isn’t really up for this. As evidenced by the fact that he’s continued to live apart for 8years.

I think ultimately he won’t stick around and you need to be pulling out the stops now to get dd assessed.

I wonder about an emerging personality disorder and ASD. Maybe.

Have some

@MinnieKat thanks. I messaged him to say I don't think it would be a good idea to come here after work tonight and he replied "wasn't going to" He is acting like a child.
Right now I can bare to be anywhere near him.

Poor you, all you need is another child throwing a tantrum. I can’t believe he would respond like that to your cry for help basically. As others have said, I’d just focus on sorting out dd. She’s going to be a big sister soon - she needs to set an example for starters!
I hope you have a lovely week off next week and pamper yourself

OP, I’m firmly of the belief that he made his choice to be with you and your children. He chose the responsibility regardless of whether he wants it. You don’t want to have to deal with it either but it’s the coin you toss when you choose to have children, and it’s the responsibility he chose to take on

But he didn’t take on the responsibility. He may have talked the talk over the past 8 years but he’s never really walked the walk has he? When you look at his actions, he’s always been arm’s length and one foot out of the door. It’s only this unplanned baby that’s forced the issue of him moving in with OP.

Was he happy about the pregnancy OP? Does he want this baby?

He was over the moon when I told him I was pregnant and is genuinely elated (if not a little scared) of having the baby. I don't think the baby is the issue for him. He has been excitedly telling everyone and buying things.
He just clearly thinks he is going above and beyond to help me when I can't see that he is doing much to help at all.

He hasn't been in touch since he stormed out yesterday. It just makes me feel like he doesn't care at all for me or the baby. Even my son said yesterday that he has been different since I have been pregnant and more angry and shouty.
I am at a total loss of what to do and right now would be happy if I never set eyes on him again but I know that is probably the pregnancy hormones talking so I won't make any rash decisions.

My older kids biological dad was horrible to me whilst I was pregnant and it feels like history repeating itself again. DP is totally aware of that.

I am going to try and write a message to dp and keep it as calm and level headed as possible. I don't want to see him this weekend and I am going to focus on some self care and time with my son whilst my daughter is away. I don't need him filling the void of stress whilst she is away.

He was over the moon when I told him I was pregnant and is genuinely elated (if not a little scared) of having the baby. I don't think the baby is the issue for him. He has been excitedly telling everyone and buying things

It just makes me feel like he doesn't care at all for me or the baby. Even my son said yesterday that he has been different since I have been pregnant and more angry and shouty

But do you not see how these two statements together don’t make sense?

Somewhere along the line you bought into the narrative that he’s an amazing man and partner, who has taken your children on as his own.

But in the very next breath, you describe his actions and they don’t marry with that at all.

Stop listening to what he says. Start looking at what he does and how it makes you feel.

I wouldn’t contact him at all. Leave it seriously. He needs to come back to you, with an apology and what support he’ll now offer

Push for an ADHD assessment for your DD. Try to fund private if it’s going to take years. In the meantime, look at supplements and vitamins to help regulate her behaviour. Truly they help. Omega 3, vit D, zinc. Give it a few weeks and you should see a difference. But push for the ADHD assessment. They’ll say no but keep pushing. Or as I say go private.