I feel really let down by my DP

[FireWafer]

Please be nice because I already feel like shit.

My DD has some behavioural issues which I am trying to address and we are slowly making progress.
She will not go to sleep at night, stays up until 12/1am to try and wait until I am asleep so that she can sneak around the house, go on the playstation, find electronics that I have hidden etc and bugger about on them. Or she just acts like a 2 year old rolling around her bed making silly noises. I hide everything so she can't have it and often get into bed with her to help her settle. (she's a teenager so this is not normal) As a consequence she is then tired in the morning and refusing to go to school. (There are other issues with school but this plays a big part in it her going)
Last night I was up until 1am getting her to sleep so I could finally go to sleep myself. I was up again at 6.30 with my other child to get him to school.
On top of this I am pregnant and having a pretty hard time with the pregnancy. My Dp works weird shifts but could be here a lot more if he wanted to......work actually changed his hours so he could be here more but he just stays at his place most of the time, I felt like I got more support from him on his old shift pattern than I do now. Last night I called him in the middle of the night crying because I was so exhausted. He was half asleep to be fair but I felt totally unsupported and unheard. Today he will act like nothing has happened because this has become so normal.

I now have to start work (which I am making a pigs ear of every day because I am so tired) I am constantly falling asleep in the middle of the day when I am supposed to be working. I am having to catch up on work on the evening and weekends. I have a colleague who has my back and picks things up for me when she knows I am struggling but I don't think my manager would be very happy about it if he knew how shit I am at the mo.
I am worried about what impact this stress will have on my baby. Worried about what it is doing to my body. Worried about how I am going to survive this because I don't want to wake up most days! I don't think I am depressed, if the problems went poof I would be fine and I feel like I am pretty resilient but this is relentless!

I am completely open with DP about how I am feeling and if he were me I couldn't just stand there and watch someone drown like I am doing, especially when they were carrying my child. He could do so much more than he is doing but acts like a hero for what he does contribute. He has been around for a long time and refers to my kids as his. He has been amazing over the years, especially with my DD and her problems and it has massively tested our relationship. He always comes to hospital appointments/parents evening/sports day like any other dad would but equally picks and chooses when he is around to support me and get stuck in with the shit side of parenting. I am getting to the point where I am going to have get signed off work because the only way I can see a path through this is to catch up on sleep during the day and manage some rest then. Failing that I will have to book some annual leave just to rest. I am still trying to wrestle DD into school now, this has been going on for hours and I am trying to work at the same time (and be naughty and send this post)

DP was great at the beginning of the pregnancy as I was bed ridden with sickness, he was doing everything around the house. But since that has all faded and I "appear" to be fine he has stopped. I feel like telling him to do one. He will do the odd sink full of dishes and dinner on the weekend but the help elsewhere has fizzled out and I am still really struggling.
He just doesn't listen to me. I am straight up in how I communicate with him. "I need you to do x" like I am not talking in riddles. During the week the house gets pretty messy so I always give it a really good clean over the weekend to catch up. Last weekend I asked for his help to do this, he took the kids out shopping instead to give me some "free time". A few days previous when I had asked him to stay round to help me with the kids (I had a very manic day coming up with work and hospital appointments and knew I would be shattered) I asked him to stay over. He let me know at 10.30 at night he wasn't coming because he needed to collect something from Argos the next day (I have several branches right by my house that he could have had the item delivered to) turns out it was a power washer that he bought to "Clean my car". Granted it is covered in bird poo but I literally don't care! It's the least of my concerns right now, as long as it works and gets me from a-b I couldn't give a monkeys!
Equally when he does stay over to support me, he often feels like a spectator. Sunday evening DD kicked off and I was the one who dealt with her and calmed her down. Stayed up late to get her to sleep. Crawled into bed with her to make sure she stayed there. Then got up at the crack of dawn to get her and her brother off to school, whilst he stayed in bed.
Even yesterday I asked him to help me with something today and he ignored my message.
I just don't know if I am being totally hormonal and unreasonable or if he is being a twat. He is supposed to be moving in here which I was so excited about but now I am thinking I can't cope with this half arsed effort all the time, I will end up resenting him completely and want to smother him in his sleep.
I know I am probably driving him nuts equally but I just need his help. Yesterday I made a financial plan to work out if I can afford my mortgage on part time hours once the baby is here because I feel like I need a plan B. I start shutting down and putting my barriers up to protect myself as a self preservation thing. I am just so fed up and alone. He is so excited about the baby but still living his own life on the side.

And before anyone casks why are you having another child when you clearly can't cope with one of the ones you already have, this was not an expected pregnancy and I would have never forgiven myself for having a termination. I am also really excited for the baby, it makes me happy and I know I will manage regardless of what happens with DP, its just right now everything feels very hopeless. I don't think he realises how bad I am finding things at moment but no matter what I say or how I articulate things he doesn't get it.

I would get rid of the electronics altogether personally. No way would I be putting up with that shit!

Hi op - my god I’m exhausted reading your posts, it sounds like you’re having a really rough time. Maybe a lot of the issue is your dd as posters have said but it clearly would be easier for you if you had the appropriate support. I would tell your dp that it’s time for a serious talk. List off (write it out to really ram it home) what you require to make your life easier and will help you not completely meltdown whilst you are busy cooking his child in your womb. It would appear that he loves you and the kids so this will be his contribution to family harmony.
He needs to stay with you more before August. But only in a constructive way. He is not to be another person to look after. Time for him to step up.
I feel that if he was more ‘on side’, the fog of issues you have with your dd would clear a little and you’d see the path to go. You have too much on your plate atm.
Best of luck x

That does sound awful.

I have a similar child similar behaviour same age but they do have lots of diagnoses. I understand that the support you need is not out there. All the different agencies you can think of have worked with my child but it’s still me left to get on with it day and night.

I am not in a relationship for this reason as there is no way that I can have visitors to the home (except for police and social workers.)

You have been in your relationship for a long time but I don’t think it seems as if he is on board with family life with you, as much as he professes he is and tbh I don’t blame him. It’s hard enough when it’s your own child and your own responsibility.

Sorry I don’t have any new advice although some of the pps have suggested some things that are worth trying.

You take your dd to your sisters house to spend time alone with your ds. Do you do the same with your dd.

If she is open to talking to you about things could you in moments when you and her are alone and she isn’t kicking off could you ask her what it is about school she doesn’t like. Or what was going through her mind when she was spitting at you or messing with her food so she would be the centre of attention.

How has it been over lockdown when she didn’t have to go into school or when she doesn’t have to do the homework.

Would a change of school help?

I do think you need to look up autism or even ADHD to see if there are particular similarities. There are so many different scales to these areas and they both present differently in girls than in boys.

Agree with pps who said to monitor her dates when her periods are as I have known a couple of people who even as adults turned into raging irrational monsters with pms when they were lovely people the other 3 weeks in the month.

It is possible that she has a combination of both ADHD and autism or something else, even dyslexia. Just because she is smart at her school work doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have dyslexia. I know I could hold it together till I was about 13 but after that it all got too much for me and I would bunk off school rather than go in and face getting homework that took me hours and hours to do. (I am being tested for ADHD atm)

Ds left to his own devices at 13 wouldn’t wash or go to school (I ended up home schooling him but that was gone different reasons) or get out of bed.
He is much better now but he is incredibly shy and has his own on line business but also flits between what he does every 6 weeks. He was learning Spanish for 18 hours per day then he learned about stock trading. Now he is into camper vans.

He is undiagnosed ADHD

You have been in your relationship for a long time but I don’t think it seems as if he is on board with family life with you, as much as he professes he is

I agree. You keep saying OP that he wants to take over the role of ‘dad’, yet in 8 years you have never taken the step of moving in together. How could he possibly be a proper father figure if he doesn’t live with you and never has. After such a long time you must see now that most of what he says is lip service? I don’t really understand how him saying he wanted to be their father but not doing anything proactive to make that happen in practice hasn’t made you at least raise an eyebrow at his level of commitment.

I do agree that it's not a DP problem going on here as such.
It sounds awful and I really sympathise, but it almost seems you've given up and accept the way she behaves. There's no way you should be lying in bed with her, and locking things away.
Step one, get rid of all the electronics. I would also take her the gp and tell them all you've just said and refuse to leave until a referral is made. It's one of two things - she has an underlying problem she needs help with, or she's just terribly behaved and manipulative. If it's the second, she should eventually get bored of going to several doctors to try and discover what's actually going on. I would also try completely ignoring her. When she's spitting and acting out she's doing it for a reaction - have you tried just completely blanking her? It sounds so hard op and I really feel for you, but don't be defeated. You sound like an amazing mum and you can get through this

Don't scoff at hormones being in play-my sn son hit puberty and he had three episodes of out of control bipolar episodes, so to speak, and wound up needing to be committed for months for medication management. It was a nightmare and nearly broke my DH and I.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this on your own. First things first. There's something seriously amiss with your daughter. Call Social Services and tell them you can't cope with her behaviour and you need help. Now. Before you collapse. All behaviour is communication. Your daughter needs urgent intervention and you need help. Forget about your DP for the moment. Focus on getting help for your daughter.

Gosh -how exhausting! I echo pp, it's more of a dd issue than dp. You are being a bit dramatic with the 'might as well end it with him ' stuff . Your dd on the face of it does seem to be 'getting away' with bad behaviour as the end result is what she wants. Other than persisting with trying to get help for dd I have no other bright ideas sadly. In the first instance I would get yourself signed off ( your mental health is deffo suffering) and getting some decent rest for yourself can't do any harm! I hope things start to sort themselves out for you

Have you looked at the not fine in school Facebook group? www.facebook.com/groups/NFISFamilySupport/?ref=share

They have loads of information and offer support and guidance.

Hi @FireWafer - I just wanted to firstly congratulate you on your pregnancy!
I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now. I'm 17+3 and I cannot handle my hormones sometimes so my heart goes out to you. My life isn't nearly as stressful as yours. You are doing great.

When your DP moves in (or is planned to) what is his role supposed to be? Are you moving in to help with finances? Childcare? Housework? Because he isn't doing a great job of it right now.
From reading your posts and updates, i disagree with posters putting this all on you with your dd. I'm totally on your side that if he chose 8 years ago to raise your daughter with you, as his own, then he absolutely cannot pick up and drop when he wants to parent. It's not on and if he was the biological father then no one would be saying his behaviour is acceptable at all

As for your daughter, I'm sorry I don't have any personal experience or advice but I definitely agree you need a week or two respite. Get yourself back on track. He will have to support you through this. If he doesn't he's just as much a wanker as I thought reading your op

I can't believe the hoops your having to jump through with SS!! I'd have complaints written to seniors at their lack of help of a mum desperate

I just wanted to share my support and say you have my sympathy x

I am reading this and I see my daughter who is diagnosed as ASD. Please call your doctor and ask for a referral to a paediatric doctor for assessment.

My daughter was almost this bad at 9 she is now 12. I still have a daily battle to get her into school, electronics are a nightmare and sleep can be non existent. However I believe our diagnosis has helped me and her to understand why and also ways in which you can help that is different to normal parenting.

Pester the school for an EHCP this will help put in place a guideline of how they can help your daughter.

Has anyone investigated Pathological Demand Avoidance?

Ok the first thing is that you are exhausted abs this is untenable for you with pregnancy abs work. You must call your gp abs demand your daughter be seen by the paediatric team of consultants about her sleep abs behaviour. Start a simple diary of her sleep pattern and behaviour at night. Take this to paediatrics and ask to try melatonin to see if it helps her as her lack of sleep is affecting her behaviour abs ability to learn at school. Melatonin might help her get to sleep abs stay at sleep. If she sleeps her behaviour will be better and if you sleep you will be better able to cope with her. Have you considered ASD? Just a thought. Mine have ASD and one has awful sleep. Melatonin has made a huge difference but you have to demand help. Tackle the DH when you have got more sleep. I know that he will have no real conception of how tired you are.

Sorry abs is and . I am unable to type and in a hurry. Sorry.

Has she ever been assessed for any Neuro divergence?

OP I work with children and young adults with demand avoidance, ASD, and Neuro Divergence...just a few of the conditions they have. I can see the similarities that your daughter is displaying with the girls and boys I work with. I totally get what you are going through and I am sorry of not getting support. The children and young adults I work with in a residential setting have 2 to 1 support 24/7. I can imagine how difficult this must be with your daughter, plus your son, a new baby on the way, an absent father and now an almost absent partner. I really hope you can get a diagnosis for her and take steps to get correct support through your social services and local authorities. Once this is in place your life will start to improve. I wish you well OP.

[quote Queenfreak]@FireWafer
Your description of your daughters behaviour screams autism to me
(I'm diagnosed autistic, and recognise everything you are saying from my personal experience, or from autistic female friends)
I would recommend looking into PDA and how autism presents in females.
Changes in how you manage consequences and demands could make s massive impact. I would request the school assess her for asd/add/pda[/quote]
I was going to suggest PDA/Autism as well. One of my boys presents very similar to this, he's Autistic and has anxiety and masks really well. Anxiety could be a possibility too, it can present as anger and meltdowns. ODD is another possiblity given demand avoidance.

OP you might find The Explosive Child by Ross Greene useful. It's for this exact type of behaviours. His basic premise is children do well when they can. The book is about looking beyond the behaviour to find the cause/s and obstacles and strategies to deal with those proactively, so not getting to meltdown stage. He's very good. There's a FB group called Plan B (a reference from his book) where parents help each other to implement the books strategies.

Thank you for all the replies. My sister is taking DD for the weekend and they are heading to the coast for some fresh air and sea walks. This will do her the world of good and we need a break from one another. We are spending way too much time together and its toxic. It's difficult for anyone to have her longer than the weekend because they live on the opposite side of town for getting her to school and so I will have to have her home to try and get her in next week.

I will call the surgery tomorrow to speak with the Gp and ask for another paediatric referral. We had one previously but it was really awkward, the Dr turned out to be a parent from school and she basically poo poo'd everything, focussed way too much on the sleep issues and in the end all we walked away with was the contact details of cerebra a charity that helps with sleep issues.
I will also speak with my contact at the school about the ECHP. We have a contact with CAMHS who was really helpful the last time we spoke and she is keeping him in the loop about the latest school refusal.

I called SS in the past and basically said they need to come and get her because I couldn't deal with her any more and they laughed at me. Referred me to another department who deemed we didn't meet the criteria for their services! This is what we always come up against. CAMHS said she wouldn't engage but they were awful and would ask her a question, she wouldn't know how to answer it so they would move on to the next thing and not probe it any further. The school CAMHS guy we saw was much better with this and would ask a question in different ways until DD was able to understand and answer.

My best friend dropped dinner over to me tonight and has booked us in for spa treatments in a few weeks time so that is something to look forward to and I am going to try and sit down with DP to say exactly what I need to say to him.

I am going to try and get some rest now as I am feeling horrendous and have a lot of cramps which always makes me worry about the baby. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

oh and I've booked some annual leave for next week so I can rest.

That sounds like such a great plan @FireWafer
I hope you get a good rest and feel better soon.

I honestly think with the stress, your MH and the pregnancy you should really consider getting signed off for a week or 2.
You need to put you & your baby before work and you really deserve the break. People are off work sick for much less

Great update op. I hope some rest and a few less stressful days do you the world of good. You need this

Switch the wifi off at 10 pm - guarantee she won't be as interested to stay up.

Oh OP, no advice here but please do think about yourself and get some rest!

I’m glad you’ll get a break over the weekend and booked some leave! Rest up mama!

I really feel for you OP.

I’m experiencing similar with my youngest DD, have been since she was 5, she’s 9 now. She masked it for years in school until she went through one bad patch, something changed and I spent ages having to carry her into school over my shoulder mid meltdown in just her pants as she wouldn’t get dressed. I’d told school about the behaviour I had been seeing at home and then magically it only became an issue when it was seen in school. They’d kept no record of anything I’d previously told them so according to them it only started a couple of years ago.

The spitting you describe stood out for me, my daughter does that too. Last week she screamed so long and hard she loosened some phlegm and spat that at me. The look in her eye made it clear she knew exactly what she doing but she just can’t seem to hold herself back.

It’s like a split personality. She seems to have no control over herself when she switches. Yet there are times when I question that. And that’s the hardest part, everything I’ve seen makes me think she can’t control it but every now and then I wonder whether it’s by choice. She can stay calm, difficult always but manageable, for weeks, months even. Then, snap.

She’s had private counselling, a referral to the local unit for assessment, support in school and a key worker who helped push for the referral.
CAMHS won’t see her as it’s not mental health based despite her trying to fling herself out of a moving car mid meltdown.

I don’t know if it’s the same in all areas but the GP referred us to the key worker service and he connected with school and me. That was the start of getting some help and at least someone listening. Could you ask if that’s something to access in your area?

So pleased you’ll get a break soon. Please take the time for you. The house, your partner can wait.