I feel really let down by my DP

[FireWafer]

Please be nice because I already feel like shit.

My DD has some behavioural issues which I am trying to address and we are slowly making progress.
She will not go to sleep at night, stays up until 12/1am to try and wait until I am asleep so that she can sneak around the house, go on the playstation, find electronics that I have hidden etc and bugger about on them. Or she just acts like a 2 year old rolling around her bed making silly noises. I hide everything so she can't have it and often get into bed with her to help her settle. (she's a teenager so this is not normal) As a consequence she is then tired in the morning and refusing to go to school. (There are other issues with school but this plays a big part in it her going)
Last night I was up until 1am getting her to sleep so I could finally go to sleep myself. I was up again at 6.30 with my other child to get him to school.
On top of this I am pregnant and having a pretty hard time with the pregnancy. My Dp works weird shifts but could be here a lot more if he wanted to......work actually changed his hours so he could be here more but he just stays at his place most of the time, I felt like I got more support from him on his old shift pattern than I do now. Last night I called him in the middle of the night crying because I was so exhausted. He was half asleep to be fair but I felt totally unsupported and unheard. Today he will act like nothing has happened because this has become so normal.

I now have to start work (which I am making a pigs ear of every day because I am so tired) I am constantly falling asleep in the middle of the day when I am supposed to be working. I am having to catch up on work on the evening and weekends. I have a colleague who has my back and picks things up for me when she knows I am struggling but I don't think my manager would be very happy about it if he knew how shit I am at the mo.
I am worried about what impact this stress will have on my baby. Worried about what it is doing to my body. Worried about how I am going to survive this because I don't want to wake up most days! I don't think I am depressed, if the problems went poof I would be fine and I feel like I am pretty resilient but this is relentless!

I am completely open with DP about how I am feeling and if he were me I couldn't just stand there and watch someone drown like I am doing, especially when they were carrying my child. He could do so much more than he is doing but acts like a hero for what he does contribute. He has been around for a long time and refers to my kids as his. He has been amazing over the years, especially with my DD and her problems and it has massively tested our relationship. He always comes to hospital appointments/parents evening/sports day like any other dad would but equally picks and chooses when he is around to support me and get stuck in with the shit side of parenting. I am getting to the point where I am going to have get signed off work because the only way I can see a path through this is to catch up on sleep during the day and manage some rest then. Failing that I will have to book some annual leave just to rest. I am still trying to wrestle DD into school now, this has been going on for hours and I am trying to work at the same time (and be naughty and send this post)

DP was great at the beginning of the pregnancy as I was bed ridden with sickness, he was doing everything around the house. But since that has all faded and I "appear" to be fine he has stopped. I feel like telling him to do one. He will do the odd sink full of dishes and dinner on the weekend but the help elsewhere has fizzled out and I am still really struggling.
He just doesn't listen to me. I am straight up in how I communicate with him. "I need you to do x" like I am not talking in riddles. During the week the house gets pretty messy so I always give it a really good clean over the weekend to catch up. Last weekend I asked for his help to do this, he took the kids out shopping instead to give me some "free time". A few days previous when I had asked him to stay round to help me with the kids (I had a very manic day coming up with work and hospital appointments and knew I would be shattered) I asked him to stay over. He let me know at 10.30 at night he wasn't coming because he needed to collect something from Argos the next day (I have several branches right by my house that he could have had the item delivered to) turns out it was a power washer that he bought to "Clean my car". Granted it is covered in bird poo but I literally don't care! It's the least of my concerns right now, as long as it works and gets me from a-b I couldn't give a monkeys!
Equally when he does stay over to support me, he often feels like a spectator. Sunday evening DD kicked off and I was the one who dealt with her and calmed her down. Stayed up late to get her to sleep. Crawled into bed with her to make sure she stayed there. Then got up at the crack of dawn to get her and her brother off to school, whilst he stayed in bed.
Even yesterday I asked him to help me with something today and he ignored my message.
I just don't know if I am being totally hormonal and unreasonable or if he is being a twat. He is supposed to be moving in here which I was so excited about but now I am thinking I can't cope with this half arsed effort all the time, I will end up resenting him completely and want to smother him in his sleep.
I know I am probably driving him nuts equally but I just need his help. Yesterday I made a financial plan to work out if I can afford my mortgage on part time hours once the baby is here because I feel like I need a plan B. I start shutting down and putting my barriers up to protect myself as a self preservation thing. I am just so fed up and alone. He is so excited about the baby but still living his own life on the side.

And before anyone casks why are you having another child when you clearly can't cope with one of the ones you already have, this was not an expected pregnancy and I would have never forgiven myself for having a termination. I am also really excited for the baby, it makes me happy and I know I will manage regardless of what happens with DP, its just right now everything feels very hopeless. I don't think he realises how bad I am finding things at moment but no matter what I say or how I articulate things he doesn't get it.

@FireWafer

other child is 15. He gets annoyed by her behaviour and frustrated but when she goes to my sisters house I make time for him and we are very close. He is a very chilled kid so manages really well and school support him as they are aware of dds behaviour. He helps out around the house etc. He is a very easy child to parent. I get the odd teenage grunt but he does as he is told. They can get on well but she also likes to wind him up, mess with his stuff......again, tries to get a reaction out of him and sometimes he snaps a wollops her!

There’s a lot to sort out here but the priority needs to be your children. Your son is going to get less attention when the baby comes along. Something has got to give here. What will change if he moves in? Why aren’t you living together now?

It's ages till you are due to give birth so book some time in this country.

Op I have a different understanding. I know taking items away from children can cause way more behaviour issues. It didn't work for me anyway but we are all different. How do you respond when dd doesn't listen ect? Do you get angry or ignore? I personally think you are worrying to much at a time you need peace. I would let her be. Although remind her that her choices she makes now will have implications on the rest of her life. Be calm don't let the stress in. Even think about ditching dp as he sounds like a waste of time to. Unless dd is violent or aggressive just let her be. She is 13 with her mum having a baby the emotions and changes she is naturally going through is hard enough. Its definitely hard work for you op. Good luck.

Oops! Wrong thread. Many apologies.

@Kelly345 thats a very simplistic view to take. I wish it were that simple.

@niceupthedance thanks, thats really useful. I will take a look at that in a moment. Thank you :)

@MadeForThis I would definitely say she is demand avoidant. She is rude to teachers, thinks everyone hates her. School triggers her massively. She hates it and a lot of the behaviour regarding sleep and spitting etc is as a direct response to trying to get her into school. She doesn't want to sleep because she doesn't want to go to school. She doesn't want to get up or out of bed to go to school. She doesn't want to engage in the real world.

As a mum of a teenager I would get rid of the electronics. Some kids can self regulate (my son) and some others really can't. I agree with @PlanDeRaccordement - just stop running yourself into the ground. Start parenting as you think you should, rather than letting her control you.

I remember my husband kicking off because i let my son sleep in our bed way longer than I should. I was convinced he wouldn't sleep well without me. Hubbie spoke to son and said, with great gravitas, this is what's happening from now on. And my son was completely happy with that!

I know OP it's not as easy as I'm making it sound, but your DD needs to see that you will not put up with her bad behaviour. She should get ZERO attention from you when she misbehaves and 1000% attention when's she's being lovely. Shouting from anyone is a no no.

@Tomyoneandonly I stay pretty calm with her. I have done PPAP courses and NVR courses so follow what I was advised from them. At one point i tried just letting her do what she wanted and she basically didn't wash, only left her bed to pee, didn't leave the house or see family or friends. She will completely shut herself off and isolate herself if I allow her to which is totally unhealthy. When she doesn't listen I give clear instructions twice and then follow through with what the consequence I have said if she carries on doing her own thing. I use reconciliation gestures, time in with her, distractions......basically anything I have been taught in the groups I have attended. She used to be very physically violent but I have managed to get that under control.

I better go concentrate on work for a bit because I am mega behind but I will come back to this later.

Thank you for the replies so far.

@FireWafer
Your description of your daughters behaviour screams autism to me
(I'm diagnosed autistic, and recognise everything you are saying from my personal experience, or from autistic female friends)
I would recommend looking into PDA and how autism presents in females.
Changes in how you manage consequences and demands could make s massive impact. I would request the school assess her for asd/add/pda

I’m surprised the school aren’t helping. My DD secondary school pastoral team would help and I work in a PRU and liaise with SS etc and if you called me I would definitely be helping you and speaking to your daughter as part of my job.

I think your DP moving in will be a relief as it will almost become his problem and right now it’s ok because he can walk away and have a break but he having it all the time may change your relationship, this is something you need to consider.

Is there something happening you don’t know about? Have you checked through her messages? Any concerns in school?

other child is 15. He gets annoyed by her behaviour and frustrated but when she goes to my sisters house I make time for him and we are very close. do you get to make time for him when both children are at home? I'm just wondering how you will manage to make time for a new born if you have to wait till she's not at home to give time to your other child. It absolutely sounds horrendously stressful for you.

It sounds absolutely awful. Best of luck OP.

[quote Queenfreak]@FireWafer
Your description of your daughters behaviour screams autism to me
(I'm diagnosed autistic, and recognise everything you are saying from my personal experience, or from autistic female friends)
I would recommend looking into PDA and how autism presents in females.
Changes in how you manage consequences and demands could make s massive impact. I would request the school assess her for asd/add/pda[/quote]
This! I totally agree...

I would definitely contact the school regarding assessment for ASD. Where I am a educational assessment can be obtained a lot quicker than through heath services e.g GP or CAHMs.

Regarding the emotional regulation difficulties, perhaps try some DBT techniques? There's a lot of information online and books available. I use these skills professionally but personally I've also started teaching them to DD5.

I wonder if hormones play a part. It sounds like she goes weeks without meltdowns, could it coincide with particular times of her cycle?
Either way, GP I would think would be who to go through to get refered to the right services or check hormone levels etc.
I'd say that you have an unusual relationship, 8 years is a long time to be living separate unless you both decided you wanted it that way, in which case why change it. If you have been waiting a long time for him to move in, you may find he comes up with another reason not to when August arrives. I think if he really wanted to, he would of already by now, even before the baby, especially actually ( is it not disappointing to know a BF is only moving in because he feels he ought to, not because he wants to).

I really feel for you OP and you have my sympathy....I honestly don't know how you've coped for so long!

BUT (and I'm well aware this isn't what you want to hear) but I follow a lot of posts on the step parenting board, so mainly step mums. When they are complaining about behavioural issues with the step kids, being expected to cook and clean for them etc. 9 out of 10 replies are telling them to butt out of the step kids lives and let the parents do the work, and not to get caught up in kids and housework that is it their responsibility. They even suggest living separately etc

I just find it interesting that when it's stepdad type figure is being expected to step up, the response is the polar opposite of what is expected of stepmums??

@Queenfreak which bits sound like autism? I will speak to the school and GP to see where we go from here. We have already been referred to CAMHS but they said it was behavioural rather than mental health and didn't say what to try next.

@Thoughtcontagion this started in primary school. I think it was when her grandad died that things took a nose dive but none of the bereavement charities would help because it wasn't an immediate relative. I think you are right about DP being able to escape when he needs to.

@MichelleScarn I spend lots of time with DS and am not too worried about losing that. He like coming for walks with me, shopping, we go to the allotment together, he helps me around the house lots, we cook together etc. I can't see why that wouldn't all continue but with a baby in tow or popping the baby over to my mums for an hour or 2 to spend some time with either of the older kids.

@Opentooffers you might be onto something there. I will make a note of when she is on her period to see if the behaviour presents any kind of pattern.

@lucy5236 I totally get that but my kids don't have a dad, he decided to walk out and not be a part of their lives. Dp decided that he wanted to step into that roll. He gave himself that label not me.

I think you should be angry with their Dad. Not your DP.

I hope you're claiming maintenance from their Dad?

I work for camhs, would be seeking support for possible autism.
Not that a diagnosis changes much, but there should be services in your area that offer support for autism traits without a diagnosis.
Does she have an ehcp? Is the school attendance officer involved?

Their dad is a total waste of oxygen unfortunately. I have a deduction of earnings in place so get maintenance for a short period of time, then he quits his job to avoid paying and I have to wait 6 months for it all to get set back up again. Its a joy!

Like a pp I was going to suggest it might be pms. I have always suffered severely for two weeks before AF. Insomnia, anxiety and raging moods. I found the pill helped somewhat. I take evening primrose oil and magnesium also. I have no real cure but awareness of what it is helps a bit as you realise there’s a reason for it

I have worked in primary and as said a PRU as a whole I find it astounding that nothing is offered, as a parent when my grandparents passed away and contacted the schools they were wonderful with support, particularly the secondary.

I work alongside EWO and deal with attendance issues etc, there is definitely people within schools who are that position to help and support and can make calls to get support.

Girls do mask and her safe space is obviously home, trauma, grief and not being able to regulate emotions can cause a wave of issues.

I really think you need to speak to the school and stress exactly what is happening the good the bad and the ugly, explain what steps you e already taken and your concerns about her not going to school and you know she is required to go etc and you need some help/intervention from them, reduced timetable maybe to get her back in initially?

Remind your son how special he is too and that you love him. I leave little things on their beds if I’ve been shopping even just their favourite chocolate bar or something, not all the time but it just makes their day to have a little something you know.

As I asked up there any ECHP? At least if you have this it’s a start and support in school. You need to hey that ball rolling. How about the school senco?

Not I asked up there, as asked up there that should read

Raging PMS from the age of 9?? Good grief whatever next?