I feel really let down by my DP

[FireWafer]

Please be nice because I already feel like shit.

My DD has some behavioural issues which I am trying to address and we are slowly making progress.
She will not go to sleep at night, stays up until 12/1am to try and wait until I am asleep so that she can sneak around the house, go on the playstation, find electronics that I have hidden etc and bugger about on them. Or she just acts like a 2 year old rolling around her bed making silly noises. I hide everything so she can't have it and often get into bed with her to help her settle. (she's a teenager so this is not normal) As a consequence she is then tired in the morning and refusing to go to school. (There are other issues with school but this plays a big part in it her going)
Last night I was up until 1am getting her to sleep so I could finally go to sleep myself. I was up again at 6.30 with my other child to get him to school.
On top of this I am pregnant and having a pretty hard time with the pregnancy. My Dp works weird shifts but could be here a lot more if he wanted to......work actually changed his hours so he could be here more but he just stays at his place most of the time, I felt like I got more support from him on his old shift pattern than I do now. Last night I called him in the middle of the night crying because I was so exhausted. He was half asleep to be fair but I felt totally unsupported and unheard. Today he will act like nothing has happened because this has become so normal.

I now have to start work (which I am making a pigs ear of every day because I am so tired) I am constantly falling asleep in the middle of the day when I am supposed to be working. I am having to catch up on work on the evening and weekends. I have a colleague who has my back and picks things up for me when she knows I am struggling but I don't think my manager would be very happy about it if he knew how shit I am at the mo.
I am worried about what impact this stress will have on my baby. Worried about what it is doing to my body. Worried about how I am going to survive this because I don't want to wake up most days! I don't think I am depressed, if the problems went poof I would be fine and I feel like I am pretty resilient but this is relentless!

I am completely open with DP about how I am feeling and if he were me I couldn't just stand there and watch someone drown like I am doing, especially when they were carrying my child. He could do so much more than he is doing but acts like a hero for what he does contribute. He has been around for a long time and refers to my kids as his. He has been amazing over the years, especially with my DD and her problems and it has massively tested our relationship. He always comes to hospital appointments/parents evening/sports day like any other dad would but equally picks and chooses when he is around to support me and get stuck in with the shit side of parenting. I am getting to the point where I am going to have get signed off work because the only way I can see a path through this is to catch up on sleep during the day and manage some rest then. Failing that I will have to book some annual leave just to rest. I am still trying to wrestle DD into school now, this has been going on for hours and I am trying to work at the same time (and be naughty and send this post)

DP was great at the beginning of the pregnancy as I was bed ridden with sickness, he was doing everything around the house. But since that has all faded and I "appear" to be fine he has stopped. I feel like telling him to do one. He will do the odd sink full of dishes and dinner on the weekend but the help elsewhere has fizzled out and I am still really struggling.
He just doesn't listen to me. I am straight up in how I communicate with him. "I need you to do x" like I am not talking in riddles. During the week the house gets pretty messy so I always give it a really good clean over the weekend to catch up. Last weekend I asked for his help to do this, he took the kids out shopping instead to give me some "free time". A few days previous when I had asked him to stay round to help me with the kids (I had a very manic day coming up with work and hospital appointments and knew I would be shattered) I asked him to stay over. He let me know at 10.30 at night he wasn't coming because he needed to collect something from Argos the next day (I have several branches right by my house that he could have had the item delivered to) turns out it was a power washer that he bought to "Clean my car". Granted it is covered in bird poo but I literally don't care! It's the least of my concerns right now, as long as it works and gets me from a-b I couldn't give a monkeys!
Equally when he does stay over to support me, he often feels like a spectator. Sunday evening DD kicked off and I was the one who dealt with her and calmed her down. Stayed up late to get her to sleep. Crawled into bed with her to make sure she stayed there. Then got up at the crack of dawn to get her and her brother off to school, whilst he stayed in bed.
Even yesterday I asked him to help me with something today and he ignored my message.
I just don't know if I am being totally hormonal and unreasonable or if he is being a twat. He is supposed to be moving in here which I was so excited about but now I am thinking I can't cope with this half arsed effort all the time, I will end up resenting him completely and want to smother him in his sleep.
I know I am probably driving him nuts equally but I just need his help. Yesterday I made a financial plan to work out if I can afford my mortgage on part time hours once the baby is here because I feel like I need a plan B. I start shutting down and putting my barriers up to protect myself as a self preservation thing. I am just so fed up and alone. He is so excited about the baby but still living his own life on the side.

And before anyone casks why are you having another child when you clearly can't cope with one of the ones you already have, this was not an expected pregnancy and I would have never forgiven myself for having a termination. I am also really excited for the baby, it makes me happy and I know I will manage regardless of what happens with DP, its just right now everything feels very hopeless. I don't think he realises how bad I am finding things at moment but no matter what I say or how I articulate things he doesn't get it.

His method would be to ignore a lot of it or shout at her. He attended the parenting classes with me so we are both on the same page when it comes to that. He just doesn't want to deal with it I guess.

I guess I see it differently in the sense that when he has had problems in the past I have always gone above and beyond to support him. He had MH issues a few years back (due to his job) and I helped him loads then. Convinced him to see a GP, talk to others etc. He got put on medication and it has totally changed his life for the better. If he asks me for help he gets it. It feels sometimes like it isn't reciprocated.

I guess my best option would be to end it with him and let him get on with his life......seems clear from everyone's responses on here that I have unrealistic expectations of our relationship and he can do better with someone who hasn't got a fucked up kid.

Is there any possibility your DD has been abused?

@EKGEMS I lock everything in a box and keep the key.

If I didn't she would just be on electronics 24/7 and there would be no consequence to her not attending school. I do get her to engage in work on the days she won't go in.

RE the spitting. She does it to try and get a rise out of me. I don't give her it but she does it.......it usually lasts about 20 mins and then she gets bored.

Could you set your internet router to switch off every night at say 10pm.

@FireWafer

His method would be to ignore a lot of it or shout at her. He attended the parenting classes with me so we are both on the same page when it comes to that. He just doesn't want to deal with it I guess.

I guess I see it differently in the sense that when he has had problems in the past I have always gone above and beyond to support him. He had MH issues a few years back (due to his job) and I helped him loads then. Convinced him to see a GP, talk to others etc. He got put on medication and it has totally changed his life for the better. If he asks me for help he gets it. It feels sometimes like it isn't reciprocated.

I guess my best option would be to end it with him and let him get on with his life......seems clear from everyone's responses on here that I have unrealistic expectations of our relationship and he can do better with someone who hasn't got a fucked up kid.

I think you are being a bit dramatic now, No one has said he would be better off with someone else but surely You can see that You need to get your DD under control? Whatever methods you are using are obviously not working. She is 13 and acting like a toddler and You are bowing down to this behaviour.

@OrchestraOfWankery I don't think so. As weird as her behaviour is we are quite close. She talks to me about everything from drugs, to sex, to periods. When she is "normal" she is great and we get along amazingly. She just flicks into another person sometimes and thats when the problems arise. She is getting better at self regulating....at one point she couldn't even tell me she was hungry and would then have a melt down. I got to the point where I could recognise the signs of her slipping and its usually that she is hungry, bored, tired or something has happened to upset her. She will tell me now. She is a clever girl, well above her peers. Just this emotional stuff is exhausting and I have hounded the local services to try and get help to no avail.

I don't understand why he's not living with you? When we met, DH had a flat. He moved in with me and DS while the lease waited to expire. That way, we were only paying one (tangible) set of utilities, sky, etc. You say he's been around ages and he has a father/child relationship with your two DC. This doesn't sound consistent.

I'd be more concerned that you were pregnant and he's choosing to live elsewhere until a lease expires, rather than why he's not helping you with your DD.

Ah, ok. That's good she opens up to you. I would honestly leave your DP out of this for now, he is only adding to your frustrations.

I would want DP to move in solely because he is the parent of your baby.

Can you throw out electronics?
Or let her go hell for leather, and if she doesn't attend school, will have to face consequences from there?
Do you think she may have other issues? Bipolar, autism?
I'd be seeking a diagnosis.

Try using the PlayStation as a reward for going to school. Explain to her your going to get in real trouble if she keeps not going, and that if she goes to school in the day when she comes home she can play on the device until dinner time, then if she does her homework she can maybe have her phone or whatever else it is she’s wanting, to watch videos on YouTube or whatever for half an hour before bed? State this will only happen if she goes to school, and that if she doesn’t you need to p
Sell the devices to cover the fines you can receive for kids not going to school.

I know it’s not ideal using things as bribes but, if it works it works!

You sound very stressed could your dr sign you off for a couple of weeks? To really try crack this situation before the baby comes.

I don’t think your fella is in the wrong to be honest, it’s awkward and the last thing he prob wants to do it get between a teenage daughter and her mum, if she doesn’t listen to you she’s not going to listen to him.

Good luck xx

Op this isn't your dd or her behaviour fault. I'm sorry other pps are blaming a 13yp are they for real? I'm so sorry although you are in control of all of this only you can change it in a way only you know. Its not your daughters fault. She will try and push her luck in anyway she can and its how you respond to her will create whatever happens next. From my experience of being a single mum to 4 during teenage years especially it doesn't work taking computer electronics or anything else away from them. Although what did work is unplugging the WiFi and removing the wire so no Internet after 9pm. To take back what you give is teaching them manipulation imo. You need to set strong boundaries as when your baby comes along you will need a peaceful environment and your dp isn't a good choice as he isn't their for you. If I was you I would set times and boundaries as your dd may be going through a tough time as she isn't sleeping either. You can do this op you are the boss of your family you need to toughen up and don't blame your daughter as she may start to resent you when your baby is born. Good luck op

I have honestly tried everything to get her help and end up hitting dead ends. Its been going on for the past 4 + years. No one will help me, or she acts completely normal in front of them so they think I am making it up. I have taken family and friends to appointments to say "we have seen her when she looses it and she isn't normal" but no one takes the slightest bit of notice. I have tried recording her. I have kept diaries. I am on private waiting lists now because I am so desperate for help.
We can go weeks and weeks with normal behaviour- especially when the stress of school is removed and the BOOM she will lose it.

I have one child who would literally walk across broken glass for me and another who wouldn't care if I got run over by a bus.

Shes having another tantrum now because she has found an old phone and was playing on it (i think it must be an old one of my mums) so I took it from her. We are back to the spitting. stamping and general todler behaviour.

Aside from helping with housework and cooking, I'm not quite sure what you think DP could do to help with DD?

Could she have a personality disorder? If she is refusing to sleep and spitting at you I can see why DP would be at a loss with how to help.

What would you like him to do for DD? It doesn't sound like an issue he can resolve.

@Tomyoneandonly if I didn't remove the devices I would have no hope of getting her into school, she would be on them 24/7. If I just let her get on with it ok she doesn't get an education but actually I am the one who gets in trouble. there are no consequences for her. She has work books etc she can get on with during the day and sometimes she will engage but today she is on a path of destruction.

How old is your other child and how are they being affected by her behaviour? Do they get on well?

I want to know how the other child is coping too. Also what happened four years ago to create such a change in your daughter?

@MoxFulder sometimes its just nice to have some support. I end up doing everything. I have to run a home, work full time and deal with DD whilst being knackered from being pregnant. I guess if someone was carrying my baby I wouldn't want them to be going through this amount of stress and would do my best to help them.

I should add that DD is extremely excited to be a big sister so I don't think she is doing this in reaction to me being pregnant. Right now she's acting like she needs to be sectioned.

other child is 15. He gets annoyed by her behaviour and frustrated but when she goes to my sisters house I make time for him and we are very close. He is a very chilled kid so manages really well and school support him as they are aware of dds behaviour. He helps out around the house etc. He is a very easy child to parent. I get the odd teenage grunt but he does as he is told.
They can get on well but she also likes to wind him up, mess with his stuff......again, tries to get a reaction out of him and sometimes he snaps a wollops her!

Why don't you make a GP appointment for today, OP, given the way she's acting? You are going to end up in hospital yourself at this rate.

Would your sister have her for a week?

@FireWafer

I have honestly tried everything to get her help and end up hitting dead ends. Its been going on for the past 4 + years. No one will help me, or she acts completely normal in front of them so they think I am making it up. I have taken family and friends to appointments to say "we have seen her when she looses it and she isn't normal" but no one takes the slightest bit of notice. I have tried recording her. I have kept diaries. I am on private waiting lists now because I am so desperate for help. We can go weeks and weeks with normal behaviour- especially when the stress of school is removed and the BOOM she will lose it.

I have one child who would literally walk across broken glass for me and another who wouldn't care if I got run over by a bus.

Shes having another tantrum now because she has found an old phone and was playing on it (i think it must be an old one of my mums) so I took it from her. We are back to the spitting. stamping and general todler behaviour.

The fact that your DD can control her behaviour in front of others sounds incredibly manipulative.

Record her tantrums and appalling behaviour and present this to professionals as evidence. They cannot ignore recordings.

Like many of the other posters, I don't really think you have a DP problem, more of DD problem and as she reserves her poor behaviour for certain people and it doesn't manifest in front of everyone sounds as though she is doing this to manipulate you.

To be honest it sounds like you could probably cure most of her 'behavioural' issues if you just sold the X box.

On a practical note you could ring the nhs national centre for gaming disorders (also internet addiction) as they work with 13-25 year olds and families

To request a referral form or if you would like further information about the gaming clinic, please email [email protected]t or call 020 7381 77222

I think it's common for girls to be able to mask their emotions and behaviour at school then melt down when they are at home.

The fact that she can go for weeks/months without a melt down would concern me. What triggers the end of the calm period?

This all sounds pretty dysfunctional. Your DP is sort of irrelevant.
He's given you the preview and that is that he doesn't want to live with you and doesn't want to actively parent YOUR kids.
Moving him in, having a baby and expecting him to take on a paternal role in your children's lives will be the death knell for your relationship.
You should be working out how you'll do this alone.