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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling behaviour? Do I take him back?

110 replies

Fairylou123123 · 05/05/2021 23:29

3 months ago I got back in touch with a man who I knew 21 years ago. This is a year after my marriage separation. To start with seemed a lovely guy. He gave me flowers, treated me like a princess, cooked me dinner, for on well with my kids and made me feel special. But very early on he started making comments about what clothes I was wearing and my make up. He wanted me to dress up for him all the time and if I didn’t he told me I didn’t turn him on. I told him to stop and he would then sulk and not speak to me the next day. He wouldn’t let me sleep at night, even when he knew I had to be up for work at 6am. He would keep me awake until 3am and if I tried to sleep he would say I didn’t care about him and sulk again. He told my kids that I was boring and no fun to be around but in a jokey tone. But my kids started to copy this behaviour and when I told him it was an issue he did stop. He wanted to spend time with me everyday and if I told him I was going to sleep then he would say I don’t expect to see you online and if he did see me he would accuse me of cheating on him. He overwhelmed me with expensive presents and after only a couple of weeks was telling me I’m his world and he can’t live without me. Has he been love bombing me? I told him I wanted to take things slow but he always took offence and felt like I didn’t care about him. He also started doing and saying things and then telling me he hadn’t said them. Anyway he dumped me a couple of days ago because I told him I don’t like how he talks to me. He has now contacted me today to day he is sorry and he didn’t mean any of it. I told him I’m not interested. Have I don’t the right thing? My kids are upset without him but I feel he is too controlling

OP posts:
flashylamp · 05/05/2021 23:30

I told him I’m not interested. Have I don’t the right thing?

YES

Well done OP. You have been strong and done the right thing here

drum123 · 05/05/2021 23:32

You've done right thing, no question. Don't take him back, ever. Your kids will get over it. Stay strong!

user1927462849194729 · 05/05/2021 23:33

Yes. You have done the right thing.

Do not under any circumstances get back into a relationship with this man.

IdblowJonSnow · 05/05/2021 23:33

Bloody hell OP. This guy sounds like an absolute nutter! Don't let someone like this be in your kids lives!

Cantdoitallperfectly · 05/05/2021 23:36

100% yes. Don’t look back.

Monr0e · 05/05/2021 23:37

How long were you with him before he met your kids? I doubt very much they are missing him if you only met him 3 months ago.

And, no. He sounds horrific. How can any part if you be considering having a relationship with him

OrchestraOfWankery · 05/05/2021 23:37

Delete, block, and keep him fucked off.

NEVER put up with that behaviour.

Original poster
Fairylou123123 · 05/05/2021 23:39

Thanks everyone, I just wanted to have my mind put to rest that I’ve made the right choice. My ex husband has been struggling financially and could only afford to get a couple of gifts for our son on his birthday. He got him a new Xbox controller and a headset. Without asking me, the new guy got my son the new Xbox console so he didn’t have to share with his sister. This really upset my ex and I felt so bad as I didn’t know he was buying this for him

OP posts:
SittingAround1 · 05/05/2021 23:40

You've done the right thing. Stay far away from him.

Original poster
Fairylou123123 · 05/05/2021 23:40

I should never of let him meet my kids so early on. I made the choice as I knew him really well growing up and I was best friends with his sister. So I felt he was a good guy. I didn’t realise he would be like this. I’ve made a terrible mistake

OP posts:
NotNowFGS · 05/05/2021 23:44

Just read this to my 17 year old. She said "Break up with him!" after the first sentence or two. A blind man on a galloping horse could see that he's a wrong 'un. Get rid before something truly terrible happens. And google FKA Twigs - she had the same bother with Shia Lebouf.

Ruminating2020 · 05/05/2021 23:45

Well done fore realising what sort of person he is before he could do any serious damage.
You have absolutely done the right thing.
Don't beat yourself up for making a mistake. You got out in time.

Original poster
Fairylou123123 · 05/05/2021 23:49

Thank you. I will read up on it. Just feeling so down after my marriage breakdown and now this. I was with my ex husband for 18 years. I think I need to take some time out for now and just concentrate on my kids

OP posts:
notthemum · 05/05/2021 23:50

Sorry to hear this OP. I'm sure that having a bit of attention is great for a while. It may suit the kids too, but he is a controlling knob. He wants to keep you locked away unless it's for his amusement. He doesn't respect you and he sulks. At some point his 'jokes' with the kids will turn into complete unpleasantness . Your children do not need to hear that. They deserve far more consideration and care from a father type figure.
And as for you, you have shown that you are a strong, independent woman. You don't need him and you definitely deserve and can do much better.
You know that you did the right thing.
Take care of you and the family and don't let idiots like him bring you down. 💐

pog100 · 05/05/2021 23:50

You will have made a terrible mistake if you continue with him at all. You have realised, quite quickly that his behaviour is totally unacceptable and that he has a horrible character. The only mistake you made was letting him into your childrens' lives before you were certain of a permanent relationship but you can explain to the kids. You are in control.

Lampan · 05/05/2021 23:51

God. I read your OP with horror. There is nothing good about him at all. Not letting you sleep?? Wtf??
You absolutely did the right thing, stick to your guns as it sounds as though he might not give up easily. In future run a mile from anyone who starts with the grand gestures and love bombing so early on.

Original poster
Fairylou123123 · 05/05/2021 23:51

Thank you all for the kind messages xx

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 06/05/2021 00:01

Take time to date, as a parent it's important that you vet men before you invite then into your home. It sounds very much like he love-bombed you. Too much, too soon is a bad sign, as for telling you what to wear? Anyone should be dumped from a great height at the suggestion of that. I hope he doesn't have keys to your door, this guy could prove to be harder to get rid of than you think.

Original poster
Fairylou123123 · 06/05/2021 00:17

He did have a key to my door @Opentooffers but has given it back. I must admit i am a little worried he may have made a copy of the key

OP posts:
Namechangedforthistoday · 06/05/2021 00:28

@Fairylou123123 change the locks if you can for peace of mind

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 06/05/2021 00:34

Take some time out not just for the kids but you too. You were married a long time it's time to find out what you like to do. If your DC are youngish that might be indoor activities for now but if they are older try some groups, running, knitting, walking, gym, archaeology to get some independence and 'you' back.

It's easy to fall back into the idea of needing a partner if you've had one for so long but after a while you'll get used to being on your own and might actually prefer living life on your own terms. Sounds like you've made a great start.

nimbuscloud · 06/05/2021 00:34

Your poor children. What were you thinking?

RantyAnty · 06/05/2021 00:48

He sounds batshit abusive.

Delete and block for good.

Had a friend who made the mistake of marrying someone she went to school with but hadn't seen him in 15 years. Huge mistake. He turned out to be a violent drug addict. She told me she realised that just because she knew him all those years ago, didn't mean she knew him now. He is a stranger .

Topseyt · 06/05/2021 00:55

You've absolutely done the right thing.

He is an arse, and not someone you want to either share your house with or have any influence on your children.

Get your locks changed tomorrow. Take a day off work to organise it if needed. For now try to put something heavy behind the door to stop him opening it if he does try, and call the police if he does because he sounds possibly the type.

ILoveMondayMornings · 06/05/2021 01:11

You tube the name of the lock - there will be a video of how to do this. It's generally really easy.

I'm not going to go on and on but don't let your kids meet a guy so early again... but well done for binning the controlling weirdo off.