Controlling behaviour? Do I take him back?

[Fairylou123123]

3 months ago I got back in touch with a man who I knew 21 years ago. This is a year after my marriage separation. To start with seemed a lovely guy. He gave me flowers, treated me like a princess, cooked me dinner, for on well with my kids and made me feel special. But very early on he started making comments about what clothes I was wearing and my make up. He wanted me to dress up for him all the time and if I didn’t he told me I didn’t turn him on. I told him to stop and he would then sulk and not speak to me the next day. He wouldn’t let me sleep at night, even when he knew I had to be up for work at 6am. He would keep me awake until 3am and if I tried to sleep he would say I didn’t care about him and sulk again. He told my kids that I was boring and no fun to be around but in a jokey tone. But my kids started to copy this behaviour and when I told him it was an issue he did stop. He wanted to spend time with me everyday and if I told him I was going to sleep then he would say I don’t expect to see you online and if he did see me he would accuse me of cheating on him. He overwhelmed me with expensive presents and after only a couple of weeks was telling me I’m his world and he can’t live without me. Has he been love bombing me? I told him I wanted to take things slow but he always took offence and felt like I didn’t care about him. He also started doing and saying things and then telling me he hadn’t said them. Anyway he dumped me a couple of days ago because I told him I don’t like how he talks to me. He has now contacted me today to day he is sorry and he didn’t mean any of it. I told him I’m not interested. Have I don’t the right thing? My kids are upset without him but I feel he is too controlling

No matter how tempting any of his offers are, nothing will be freely given. You've done the right thing blocking him. I can appreciate how someone from the past can mean your guard is lowered, sometimes people are very different in relationships as you have come to see.

@Kabakofte he’s 4 years younger than me. I was friends with his sister in secondary school. So the last time I had seen him I was age 16 and he was age 12. I used to go on holiday with them and on days out etc. Fast forward many years abs he finds me on Facebook dating. I just assumed all would be okay

The reason you have had to ask means that you aren't ready for another relationship. It's obvious to anyone, and the fact you know he had a child he just abandoned.
Give yourself some time on your own, away from relationships for a while.Your separation was pretty recent too.
You have definitely done the right thing, your kids will thank you/ realise when they are older.

@Fairylou123123

I gave him a key to my home right near the end of the relationship as he said for my birthday he wanted to do something nice for me while I was out. He made me think he was going to put my presents in the house and do something special. He never did do any of this though and actually made me cry on my birthday because of his controlling behaviour

Have you checked your house thoroughly for cameras? As he's been in there while you were out.

these abusers all have the same pattern.

Definitely sweep your house and car for cameras and gps devices.

Him mentioning twice coming to your house while you were out set off creepy vibes.

This is quite a scary thread! OP, I think you've exercised enough good sense to save yourself in the nick of time here! Get the locks changed, don't engage with any attempts to re-establish contact, and don't be afraid to escalate to the police if he is persistent. He sounds like a nadty piece of work and potentially dangerous. You've had a narrow escape!

I think there is a way you can check what devices are connected to your WiFi router, so you can see if he has a secret camera inside your house linked to your WiFi and uploading pictures. If you log in as an administrator you could probably see. Change all the passwords to everything while you're at it, just to be safe.

Definitely don't hesitate to call the police if he continues to push boundaries 'come around and decorate while you're in holiday'?! It's insanity.

Are you still in contact with his sister? Does she know he's a weirdo?

@LittlestBoho I have stopped contacting his sister. She’s lovely but I thought it was for the best to cut all ties. She knows about the controlling behaviour but I haven’t told her everything. She doesn’t agree with any of what he has done. I will try get my wifi now. That’s really scary that he could of done that

Have you changed the locks yet? Or can you lock the door from inside tonight?
Just in case he has a spare key.

Deeply disturbed.

Ringing 101 and telling them you are scared of him.
They can put a mark on your house and your mobile number.

If he contacts you again you can then tell him you have been in touch with the police.

That should give him pause for thought and realise you are serious.

Keys in the doors tonight.

@OrchestraOfWankery

Delete, block, and keep him fucked off.

NEVER put up with that behaviour.

100% agree

Op I think that you should give him the x box back. Something tells me that he isn't going to just leave you alone and you need to cut all possible ties with him.

@Motnight he’s messaged me to tell me that he’s putting a cheque through my door to help me pay off my loan 🙈

He's trying to make you indebted to him so he can guilt trip you. Are you going to let him do that?

@youvegottenminuteslynn I’m not accepting anything from him

@thecatsarecrazy When I was 21 I was going out with someone called Steve, he had messed me around for the whole of the relationship. I was working in the office whilst studying and he was 9 years older. He told me he had my 21st present but it never materialised, so I asked him a few times and he said it was locked in his filing cabinet but he had lost the keys. I told another male colleague who took it upon himself to kick the cabinet in, of course there was nothing there. Steve went mad at me, called me a psycho and a nutcase.

Fast forward to me meeting someone else, and he pesters me about him, asks questions, says he is wrong for me, follows me home, drives around the street where I live and just turns up at places.

Weird.

How is he messaging you?

Is he not blocked?

Yes, thought you had blocked him everywhere?

Get rid as quickly as possible
Change the locks
Far too many red flags
He thinks you are desperate
Tell him you have covid-19
Just eradicate him from your life now.

@nimbuscloud I have blocked him everywhere but he’s now messaging me on a different number and created another account on Facebook

I blocked him straight away again and if he continues to message me then I will contact the police

This what you said earlier today. He has since contacted you again with more and more unhinged promises / behaviour. Speak to the police now. I suspect he has form - may well already be known to the police.

[quote Fairylou123123]@nimbuscloud I have blocked him everywhere but he’s now messaging me on a different number and created another account on Facebook[/quote]
Call the police.

Put the cheque to one side (it's evidence) and contact the police. He is harassing you.

Op I agree with others. I am a police officer and I urge you to screenshot the messages, record everything that happens and report to police. Do not give him chances. Do not let him in 'just to talk'. Do not talk to mutual friends. The relationship is very young so hopefully he will get the picture quick and move on but you absolutely have to cut him out completely.

Never ever be hesitant in reporting to police because they will only take it seriously if they know what is going on. Keep a log and copies of everything.