Controlling behaviour? Do I take him back?

[Fairylou123123]

3 months ago I got back in touch with a man who I knew 21 years ago. This is a year after my marriage separation. To start with seemed a lovely guy. He gave me flowers, treated me like a princess, cooked me dinner, for on well with my kids and made me feel special. But very early on he started making comments about what clothes I was wearing and my make up. He wanted me to dress up for him all the time and if I didn’t he told me I didn’t turn him on. I told him to stop and he would then sulk and not speak to me the next day. He wouldn’t let me sleep at night, even when he knew I had to be up for work at 6am. He would keep me awake until 3am and if I tried to sleep he would say I didn’t care about him and sulk again. He told my kids that I was boring and no fun to be around but in a jokey tone. But my kids started to copy this behaviour and when I told him it was an issue he did stop. He wanted to spend time with me everyday and if I told him I was going to sleep then he would say I don’t expect to see you online and if he did see me he would accuse me of cheating on him. He overwhelmed me with expensive presents and after only a couple of weeks was telling me I’m his world and he can’t live without me. Has he been love bombing me? I told him I wanted to take things slow but he always took offence and felt like I didn’t care about him. He also started doing and saying things and then telling me he hadn’t said them. Anyway he dumped me a couple of days ago because I told him I don’t like how he talks to me. He has now contacted me today to day he is sorry and he didn’t mean any of it. I told him I’m not interested. Have I don’t the right thing? My kids are upset without him but I feel he is too controlling

I agree with the comments that he was grooming your children to manipulate you - this is what jumped straight out at me when I read your posts. Don't feel guilty that your children might miss him - ensure he can absolutely not make contact with them. He sounds utterly toxic.

You absolutely made the right choice!

Read up on something called a trauma bond - sounds like that would have been the start of it!

Hope you're doing ok. In such little time he managed to do all these things, well done for being strong and showing your kids to not settle xxxx

@Wellies54 I feel sick to my stomach as I can see now that is what he was doing. I think I let a lot of things slide as I had know him as a teenager and I was friends with his sister. Also he told me he had a traumatic past with an ex gf and she used to hurt him a lot

Stop the cycle by ending the relationship for good, otherwise you risk teaching your children through your actions that this dynamic is acceptable / normal and the longer this man is in your life the more likely they will be to experience similar relationships when they are adults.

That’s one of the oldest tricks in the book, blaming an ex for their current behaviour. It attempts to garner sympathy and absolve them of any responsibility for their current actions.

Change the locks in case he has made a copy - you can change just the barrel - info on YouTube - cheap & easy

My STBXH used to deliberately disturb my sleep - it was absolute torture & I still don't sleep well 3 years after leaving him

@youvegottenminuteslynn I have blocked him everywhere and I be checking my sons phone tonight as he has him on Pokémon go. I will also be checking the Xbox as he set it all up and knows the passwords and my sons user name etc. I will be changing everything including my locks. I’m really worried and I definitely won’t be getting back together with him

@Namechangedforthistoday he told me his ex gf used to hit him and once she threw an ash tray at his head. I do wonder now if he was physically abusive to her and she was using self defence

Vey well done on taking the physical steps to get him out of yours and your DC's lives, via the blocking etc; any way he can get in touch them- find it and remove it.

It's indeed highly likely HE was the problem in his former relationship.

@PussGirl sorry to hear you suffered for so long after. This guy blamed me for the lack of sleep. He said I was turning him on too much in bed. If I told him to get sleep he would then start talking about why am o in a mood or what is wrong with me. He would go on and on until 3am. He kept getting up and turning the lights on as well. I missed work the next day as I was so emotionally drained from him

Told me that he wanted me to sleep naked and if I didn’t then he would show off and sulk abs I also noticed the sex was very controlling as well. It was all on his terms. It was only 3 months this relationship but I feel I have really suffered from it. I think it’s a mixture of this and a marriage breakdown

Maybe not right now, but in the very near future, you'll feel empowered you got rid of this awful man.

YOU took control. YOU will have freed yourself.
It's a great feeling!

BLOCK
Report him to any online dating sites so others are warned , v dangerous

Why the hell would you want to take him back? Of course he wouldn't treat you any better.

They always have bad stuff to say about their exes. Mine claimed his first wife used to knock him about. His second girlfriend cheated on him. Then his third girlfriend they just grew apart. She's still his "friend" he never stopped mentioning her and based on his Facebook and his house she was still the love of his life. Gifts she got him everywhere. Photos everywhere. What he failed to tell me is eventually his flirting wit other women led to him having a sexual relationship. His girlfriend found out all about it and confronted the woman and him. He left their house Six months later. He will insist they were already over but they clearly wasn't! As he still shared a bed.

Mine wanted to do sexual things to my feet too! Sometimes I felt like he cared more about my feet than me. He made out he'd never felt that way about anyone's feet. Found out since he has always liked feet as both his exes knew about his fetish.

He just lies his way through everything. I'm a smart switched on girl. No abusive past. Had some silly boyfriends in my early 20s. Never experienced such a messed up, intense selfish person. That's why I got out quite fast. I was strong enough to bring him up on things. Some of his other victims were not so lucky and put up with him for alot longer. One of them now takes antidepressants.

They are very dangerous. At best they will break your heart. At worst they shatter you to a shell of who you were.

Nobody should be saying stuff about your appearance at that stage. It shouldn't at any stage happen. But I understand sometimes a healthy relationship might mean a partner saying what he likes you in best etc. But that doesn't mean they don't like you as you are!

Good luck. Don't be hard on yourself but try your hardest to keep away from him now. If you have wobbles don't be hard on yourself. I have children and he didn't meet them apart from a walk type thing. They just thought he was my friend! X

[quote Fairylou123123]@Wellies54 I feel sick to my stomach as I can see now that is what he was doing. I think I let a lot of things slide as I had know him as a teenager and I was friends with his sister. Also he told me he had a traumatic past with an ex gf and she used to hurt him a lot[/quote]
Yeah. She probably said no to him. Hurt his poor widdle ego.

Glad you've seen sense.

And change those locks, plus any passwords he might even vaguely possibly know.

My STBXH used to deliberately disturb my sleep - it was absolute torture

No, it is a recognised method of torture. I am an insomniac and after a few days of bad sleep, I feel like I am breathing glue. If someone deliberately deprives you of sleep to make you feel that way, they are torturing you. You are then easier to gaslight, you get into trouble at work, it's all to raise your stress levels and control you.

Good on you for getting out and, as pps have said, change that lock.

Bloody hell Fairy thank goodness you have got away from him, he sounds insane!

Stay strong and look after yourself and your children.

You have taken control. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Well done OP, please stay firm on this and do not have him back, he is no good for you or your DC.

Absolutely textbook coercive control, and enough red flags to construct enough bunting for a village fete. Well done for dumping. Do not - repeat not - re-engage.

I'm absolutely open mouthed that after everything you said about him and his abusive behaviour, you end with "Have I done the right thing?" Please do the Freedom Program and work on your boundaries.

I blocked him on everything but he message me on a new account on messenger and told me he wants to send me abs the kids away on holiday in august and he will come on my house and finish decorating it while I’m away to make up for how he has behaved. I blocked him straight away again and if he continues to message me then I will contact the police

Oh, I'm sorry op but it sounds as if he's not giving up without a fight.

You are doing the right thing by blocking and keeping a record of his messages.

He's still in the mindset that you'll take him back. Yes, police if he continues.